Brokenheart99 Posted September 10, 2013 Share Posted September 10, 2013 i find that so many activities that i do or even friends and people i talk to, they are just not as fun or i do not enjoy myself as much as i used to with my ex. i went bowling a few nights ago with some friends, and while it was nice and fun, i just had so much more fun with my ex. just a lotta small things like that. even simple things like talking on the phone. with him, i wanted to talk on the phone, i wanted to go grocery shopping, or had a ton of fun even just laughing throughout a bad movie. i just dont feel the same level of fun or interest with anything else yet, and ive made it a point to try and enjoy myself and explore new activities and people. we had so much goofy random fun together, it feels like nothing is as fun after him or to the same degree. i still have a decent time most of the time, but its not the same. how long did that last for most people? when did things truly start becoming enjoyable again? is this normal? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LovesMusic Posted September 10, 2013 Share Posted September 10, 2013 It's been almost two years and things still don't feel as fun. I have been extremely busy with fixing myself, however. When I do have fun, I find myself wishing I could share that experience with my ex but, again, I keep myself extremely busy doing things for myself I should have been doing a long time ago. How long have you been broken up? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rocknrolla Posted September 10, 2013 Share Posted September 10, 2013 I think it is perfectly normal, and good on ya for getting out there, I couldn't do it it at first. It's been 14 months since b/u for me, it took me a very long time to go back to doing things I used to with her. I can't say exactly how long buy probably close to a year for me to even begin to honestly TRY and truly enjoy things again without her. keep in mind though I went through severe clinical depression because of the b/u for a long time which i still am getting over. Even now some things are hard, like I went camping two weekends ago, we did that together and were suppose to the weekend we broke up. But like you, I sucked it up and did it, it was still hard but I still enjoyed it. You sound like you have a much more solid head on your shoulders then I did, so it "should" pass by quicker for you. But there is no time limit, I find the more I do the less it hurts the next time and therefore speeds up the process. So the fact you haven't seemed to stop says your on the right path! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kittykat12 Posted September 10, 2013 Share Posted September 10, 2013 It is slowly starting to happen for me, and it has been nearly 7 months. But I am the same , I dont have interest in the same things like I used to. I used to love going shopping and cooking - now there doesnt seem to be a point , as it is just me , stupid but true Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beingawesome Posted September 10, 2013 Share Posted September 10, 2013 It might help if you try not to compare the experiences or if you pick up new activities that are meant to be enjoyed alone. For me, after my breakup I started doing yoga, which is a very personal practice. I'd never tried it before, so there was no connection to my old life with my ex. And since it's not a group activity, I don't think about what it would be like if my ex was there. There's nothing his company could add, since I'm so focused on my own progress. I've been doing it for almost 2 months now, but I knew I loved it right at the first class. I didn't think about my ex for an hour, and even afterwards I didn't want the negative thoughts to ruin my 'high'. The satisfaction I get from yoga is different from how I feel when I'm in a relationship, but just as strong, in my opinion. If you can find something you're passionate about, the energy that's released during heartbreak can be great inspiration. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brokenheart99 Posted September 10, 2013 Author Share Posted September 10, 2013 this isn't our first break up, but this one is the real one i guess. its been 2.5 months since we broke up. some moments i have fun and enjoy myself, but even then i find myself wishing my ex could be here to share it with or its just never the same kind of fun. it just feels like a distraction sometimes. the other day i took my nephew and nieces to the playground, i could barely bring myself to smile, even though they are the cutest kids. i was so down, i wish i could have shared it with my ex, because all i remembered is how great with kids he was and his ridiculously funny zombie chase he did with kids. i know the missing is normal, i expect that. i just wish things would feel fun again. it feels like they never will. thats what the hardest part is, because with him, i had fun and memories like ive never had before. it sucks because so many days i feel like i will just drag through life, i try not to, and sure happiness is a choice partly, but man it sure doesn't feel like that..i just never get that same 'excitement' again.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LovesMusic Posted September 10, 2013 Share Posted September 10, 2013 I started doing yoga, which is a very personal practice. I've been wanting to try yoga. Do you have any recommendations on where to start? I have a busy schedule but, I would really like to work that in. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beingawesome Posted September 10, 2013 Share Posted September 10, 2013 I've been wanting to try yoga. Do you have any recommendations on where to start? I have a busy schedule but, I would really like to work that in. I would just try to find some classes near you. A lot of people do it at home on their own, by I personally couldn't be motivated by myself. I've started a home practice now, but that's along with 5 classes a week haha. Another great thing about yoga is that it allows you to be around people (yay socialization) without forcing you to have to interact or "be happy". You can focus on yourself but not feel so alone at the same time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LovesMusic Posted September 10, 2013 Share Posted September 10, 2013 i feel like i will just drag through life I don't want to sugar coat things. That's how it's going to feel for a long time, that's how it is for me at least. As I said, it's been nearly two years since my ex and I split and some days I feel like I"m just a zombie going through the motions of life. I find myself driving down the road, to whatever event I jam my schedule with, and I am just staring. The fact of the matter is you are in mourning. It is healthy to express sadness but, do not let it consume you. Let it out, then get going. The only thing that curbs the lack of interest in life is to make yourself busy with things you know are bettering you. Personally, I've found school to be a great distraction. I also have been going to the gym, and being mindful of what I eat. You'd be surprised how much thought can be required from a balanced diet. At the very least, I feel better physically. I do go out with friends and with enough intoxicants I can have a blast. I do not recommend getting 'f-ed up' in your state though. When you can handle it, go all out (responsibly) but, be prepared to confront some covered up feelings. That's why I say to wait until you can handle it. In general, an 'all out' kind of night gets me motivated to stay knuckled down and further fueling the productivity/distraction fire. As for now, stay in touch with your family and reconnect with some friends, they won't want to always hear about how sad you are but, they will be a shoulder to lean on to discuss how your feelings. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LovesMusic Posted September 10, 2013 Share Posted September 10, 2013 I would just try to find some classes near you. A lot of people do it at home on their own, by I personally couldn't be motivated by myself. I've started a home practice now, but that's along with 5 classes a week haha. Another great thing about yoga is that it allows you to be around people (yay socialization) without forcing you to have to interact or "be happy". You can focus on yourself but not feel so alone at the same time. That's funny because I was immediately thinking that I do not want to go to classes because I want it to be personal and just me but, you make a good point. I guess it is a good outlet for socialization without any expectations or obligations. Plus, I don't know how to do yoga properly Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheNewGuy Posted September 10, 2013 Share Posted September 10, 2013 It took me an honest 4 to 5 months to get over it. Cant remember exactly, but once I accepted the fact that she was never coming back and nothing could change that, I started to feel the change shortly after. I really thought it would have taken longer, but in my case reality was a cold hard truth I had no choice but to accept. Anyways I would say a month or so after that, I started having fun again and from there it just happened more and more. It's not something that happened over night and I worked at it when needed. Of course my friends helped too. You have to give the effort to try and have fun or else you never get anywhere. Eventually you'll even annoy your friends when you do go out with them by being so blah. I'd say you just need more time is all. Everyone is different and you'd be surprised what is considered normal when asking such a vast audience. I can assure you though, you are normal. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mbee Posted September 10, 2013 Share Posted September 10, 2013 Everyone is indeed different. For me it's off and on. Sometimes I miss my ex and sometimes I don't. Doing new things is very important, something to not compare your ex too. Or continuing to do things you did without your ex. For me, I went to the dog park more, went on morning walks, traveled, joined interesting meetup groups (permaculture, salsa, etc.). It all depends on you. My ex and I loved watching movies together. Watching a movie is no way near as fun as it used to be with him. But sometimes it is, especially if I rewatch a movie from my childhood, one that I never watched with him and associate old memories with. Also, it does take effort to have fun, especially with friends. I find myself sometimes having MORE fun with my friends depending on what we are doing and the friend. I'm about 5 months post breakup for the record. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
search4answers Posted September 10, 2013 Share Posted September 10, 2013 It's been SEVERAL months for me, but I'm coming back around. I lost my sense of humor for a while, never thought anything was fun or sounded fun, and was just not myself. I'm slow to heal, and I recognize this though it took a while to realize it... It's all a progression, but self awareness will make all of the difference in the world. Look at yourself and why you were happy before, why you should be happy now (this is a hard one), and know that you will be happy in the future (again another hard one). You are great and you will be better in the future, I promise. I think people, myself included, lose a sense of oneself when dealing with heartache. Its not an everyday emotion and people will never become callous to it. Thankfully these emotions only show up a few times in life, unlike happiness which is everyday when we are able to recognize it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skippington Posted September 10, 2013 Share Posted September 10, 2013 I agree with the comments about finding new things to do that are personal to you. I try and avoid the things that I really loved doing with my ex until I heal. I highly recommend yoga, personally I also horse ride, volunteer, cycle, started a 12 week gym challenge and am also planning a holiday. I have always found it difficult to be happy on my own, I find myself happiest when invested in someone else, for example, I'd be happier doing an activity with someone, or dedicating time to someone elses happiness. It is a lovely thing, but I think its important to be able to be happy on your own, so your happiness isn't dependant (or always improved) with someone else. This is just my experience mind you, but I found myself increasingly depressed and anxious when dating someone and their focus was off me, because I found it hard to be with myself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brokenheart99 Posted September 10, 2013 Author Share Posted September 10, 2013 Ugh I hope so...it's just most times I find myself thinking of him during things I'm doing cuz I'm like man I wish he was here or it would be more fun with him. What sucks is that we did sooooo much together so creating new hobbies and finding new things is hard, but I'll keep toughing it out. I still can't go shopping yet, last time I tried, I almost cried in the store lol and shopping used to be one of my favorite things to do Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheNewGuy Posted September 11, 2013 Share Posted September 11, 2013 This is why learning to have fun on your own/single is important. It just takes time. I used to rely on my significant others for most of my happiness which was all fine and good until I found myself alone. I know all this sounds obvious, but it's true. Learn to enjoy your own company and don't let someone else dictate your happiness. If nothing else you'll come off less clingy which is a big plus for most guys. I understand the shopping thing. For awhile I had to go to places we never really shopped at lol. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brokenheart99 Posted September 11, 2013 Author Share Posted September 11, 2013 Lol gah yeah, I get in my head too much when I'm alone for too long. Today a guy I met gave me a call, sorta leading up to a date. It was idk..not bad, but just okay I guess. I definitely didnt have as much as fun with my ex as I did with him. I remember my first phone call with my ex, I hesitated so much giving him my number cuz I thought it would be weird on the phone and we wouldn't have anything to talk about and he kept hinting that I should so when we finally talked, it was so easy and fun and we talked for two hours, laughing the whole time =\ idk I know it's negative to think and blah blah but realistically I'm truly beginning to think I won't have the same fun of same level of compatibility with someone else, I guess I'm just starting to accept on settling. I'm just tired lol..tired of the heartbreaks and "search" even tho Im not actively looking. I just wanna get married and get on with life. Hah Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rebellefleur Posted September 11, 2013 Share Posted September 11, 2013 Aw brokenheart, i hope you are doing okay! Hang in there! Your advice has been some of the best i've received lately and i don't want to see you down now! It's so hard to imagine opening up and fitting with someone else and being happy- but i know that once you do, it will all feel right again! Don't worry and don't overthink! I am a chronic overthinker and it gets you nowhere good! My ex was SO goofy and so much fun to be around, but honestly, that is such a common trait once you let yourself open up again. It's hard right now and it's sad and it sucks to lose that connection and the good times with someone, but it's not worth all of the bull crap- just try to focus on that. You WILL feel the happiness and normalcy once again with someone new only it will be BETTER because there will be no dysfunction or ahole actions/attitudes to bring you down. One day it will all make sense, one day you will meet someone that just fits you and makes you feel home. Don't worry if everything isn't feeling right at the moment, it won't and it may be dull for awhile but i know you will find the person who will bring out YOU for who you are and be the most fun you've ever met. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brokenheart99 Posted September 11, 2013 Author Share Posted September 11, 2013 Awe I hope so, thank you rebel I'm so glad I can help u! I hope ur doing better, u sound much better I think after what feels like looking and meeting people forever, and I'm not old yet thankfully, and then finally meeting someone who stands out out of all of them and watch it walk away, it's discouraging I guess. I don't feel like I'm not open, in fact I am myself and open, so much so that people think I'm interested in them when I'm really not as interested as I make it seem. I guess they feel the connection but I just don't. They're nice people, maybe I'm just not there yet emotionally. It always just feels like I'm settling, which isn't terrible. I mean it's not the worst thing in the world and slowly I'm coming to terms with it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dereitis Posted September 11, 2013 Share Posted September 11, 2013 I was in a slump for maybe 2 weeks before I decided to stop letting it effect me outwardly. I have always been pretty outgoing and social so I kept it that way. I have fun. I miss her but I still maintain happiness and enjoy life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mbee Posted September 11, 2013 Share Posted September 11, 2013 Brokenheart... try to not worry so much about finding the next person you'll be with. Seriously. I know how you feel. I really thought my ex was the one. Really and truly, I honestly thought that. With him there was a connection all around. Dating after the breakup was super hard, which is why I recommend not dating until you get over it and kick the ex off the pedestal. I would either have chemistry with a guy and find out they weren't interested or had a girlfriend, or meet really nice guys but there was no chemistry. Ironically, after kicking my ex off the pedestal, I've met a couple of guys who I have instant chemistry with, adore talking to, and am genuinely having an awesome time with. Of course this happens after I accept a job offer half way around the world haha. My point is... you'll meet someone someday. Love is beautiful because it's rare. If you could fall in love with just anyone, then honestly love and committed relationships would be overrated. Meeting someone with a connection takes time, and once you meet that guy, then you'll know. Chill out, seriously. Just learn to be happy by yourself. Kick the ex off the pedestal and be patient with yourself about your own healing. Trust me, that guy will come along when you least expect it, but that will probably happen after you work on tackling finding happiness for yourself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rebellefleur Posted September 11, 2013 Share Posted September 11, 2013 Awe I hope so, thank you rebel I'm so glad I can help u! I hope ur doing better, u sound much better I think after what feels like looking and meeting people forever, and I'm not old yet thankfully, and then finally meeting someone who stands out out of all of them and watch it walk away, it's discouraging I guess. I don't feel like I'm not open, in fact I am myself and open, so much so that people think I'm interested in them when I'm really not as interested as I make it seem. I guess they feel the connection but I just don't. They're nice people, maybe I'm just not there yet emotionally. It always just feels like I'm settling, which isn't terrible. I mean it's not the worst thing in the world and slowly I'm coming to terms with it I can absolutely relate to this and i completely understand where you are coming from! Even though my ex was a complete jerk in disguise, there were things about him that i loved and i'm afraid i won't find with or in anyone else. And that is scary and frustrating. I mean, when i meet or interact with other guys, it's hard for me to see any of that in them or see any potential, sometimes i almost get annoyed and turned off by them. But i think this is just our emotional defense mechanism telling us we aren't healed and we aren't ready for that step. You know what the worst thing is? When i had met my recent ex, i was healing from a second breakup with my first ex. He had come back, we gave it a try and it didn't work. A few months later i met my current ex and i thought he was "cute" but as i got to know him, i was just so turned off by him. He was so immature to me and annoying and eventually i realized that i didn't have feelings for him or want anything to do with him in that way, so we took space from each other because i wasn't ready, and if i stayed around i'd be leading him on and forcing myself to feel something. Four months later, we got in touch again and i think at that point i was ready to love- because i took the risk, gave it a chance to spend time with him, and ended up falling completely in love with him (and so began my journey through hell lol) but it's just funny that a guy a few months before, i totally wasn't into, and then i ended up falling for him more than he ever fell for me just because emotionally, i was finally ready. I think one day it'll just click with someone, we just aren't ready yet. And this totally sucks to go through, but don't let it discourage you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brokenheart99 Posted September 11, 2013 Author Share Posted September 11, 2013 Yeah perhaps, maybe I do need to give it more time. It's funny bc when I met my current ex, I just got over a bad break up. But I still fell so hard for my current ex, bc we clicked that well, we just instantly hit it off. I guess for me, I need to be forced to heal sorta, like I meet someone else and it forces me kinda to get over my past. Otherwise I just dwell on it and stay in the cycle of pain. For the most part, I'm not unhappy being by myself, it just gets lonely after a bit, despite how busy I can keep myself. Sure, I don't need a man to keep me happy, but "being in love" is a different kinda happy, and I've always been happiest in love. That being said, I guess I just need to heal some more and be patient. Things happen when they need to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rebellefleur Posted September 11, 2013 Share Posted September 11, 2013 I absolutely agree with what you mean. I think it definitely helps to meet someone new to kind of push those extra, lingering feelings out. With my first relationship, truthfully, i don't think i was 100% over him until i met someone new. I was like 90% there, then i met my current ex and starting something new, and seeing how different a person could treat you (even though he ended up becoming and acting very similar to my first ex --what is my luck?!) it really pushes those old feelings out. Once you meet someone you really click with. I had a lot of disappointments in between too, as i do now. I met one guy who was really cute and seemed so into me, but he was just too much and it pushed me away fast because i was so far from ready. He was a good guy, just a little obsessive at first and moved way too fast, and i was FAR from ready for that. He found another girl and they seem happy together and they're always going on trips, and i'm not going to lie sometimes i'll look at those pics and be like ugh that could have been me! LOL but i wasn't ready, the timing wasn't right, and it was meant to happen like that for a reason. It's just refreshing to sometimes stop wondering and just believe that everything is for a reason. Our exes came into our life for a reason, they left for a reason, and every thing in between was for a reason. A crappy, painful, stressful reason...but a reason nonetheless lol. I do understand 100% where you are coming from with everything. I am the biggest hopeless romantic and i love being in love. Which is a flaw for me too bc i tend to make someone out to be something they're not. I think that is why i held on to my ex for so long, because i just kept hoping and hoping he would turn into the guy i missed, the guy he used to be, that he would fall in love with me again like the movies. I just couldn't let go of the love that i wanted - even though it was a straight nightmare. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brokenheart99 Posted September 11, 2013 Author Share Posted September 11, 2013 Yeah normally I can't candle guys that go too fast, I get straight freaked out and I back out. Except my ex lol. he was the one that was so different, we both fell fast. There are a couple guys who I met when I wasn't ready and now as I think back on it, I'm like dang I wish I had worked it out with them. Lol. But I think it's easy and pretty normal to think that way when you're alone or life doesnt quite work out the way you wanted to. It's just frustrating bc maybe I haven't kicked him off the pedestal or what, but everything about breaking up with him feels wrong. It just seems so unnatural to break up with someone who was so compatible with you. I guess ppl change tho and maybe I haven't kicked him off the pedestal yet. Yeah I totally get what u mean about wanting him to be the person I want. Sometimes I still think that, that in like 5-10 years, he will change his mind, I know him, but I just don't wanna wait that long. Nobody deserves that much time in my life. Your Time in life is the only thing that's truly yours. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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