My boyfriend(30) looks up his ex on facebook almost everyday

[FaFaFa]

I have been with my boyfriend for almost a year now. I have insecurities and trust issues from past stuff which I'm in therapy for, but I will admit that I am a snooper - it's wrong I know and I'm working on it!

My issue here is that my boyfriend went out with a girl for a year and a half and they broke up about two and a half years ago. I asked questions about they're relationship which I shouldn't have but I think knowing about it has fed my insecurities. She treated him quite badly and he had enough of being controlled and treated terribly and broke up with her. She had a very young son from a previous one night stand and he had grown very attached to this child, like a son to him so he was very hurt and upset for months after they split. He told me that he only really got over it a few months before we got together.

I am guilty of bringing her up in conversation a bit. And I've found through my snooping that he looks her up on facebook almost everyday. A few months ago I told him I knew this and obviously it turned into an argument. He was really angry and upset, he blamed me for it saying that bringing her up reminds him of the whole thing and the child that he lost. He seemed so upset about the kid that it could be the reason why he does it. He told me that he would never ever want to get back together with her and that looking at her page is how he dealt with it before and how he will deal with it now.

When I look up this subject the Internet tells me: he's not over her! Dump his ass! Etc etc. but I can't help thinking that's not always the answer because everyone deals with their past differently. I would love some advice here on what you all think.

He treats me very well, he has a lot of respect for me, we are friends and the sexual chemistry is great. He has told me before that I've got all the best traits of his exes and none of the bad ones (not in a comparison way!) and that makes me special to him. We live together, he often says I love you and tells me how happy he is with me (except for when we argue haha)! He says he can see us getting married one day and talks about kids and tells me his 'timeline' and what kind of wedding he would like...

He rarely brings up his exes - we only speak of them when I ask about them. He never calls me by an exes name. He says that he just wants a happy life. Everything else in our relationship seems pretty perfect apart from this issue which he doesn't see as a problem.

I think I need to let him deal with this ex girlfriends facebook page thing his own way but I can't help it getting to me!! He unfriended her on facebook a few months ago when i asked him to, but a couple of months after, he refriended her because he said that it was weird. he didnt want her to think he was weak - they have a few mutual friends and may bump into each other. When we had been dating a couple of months i saw a conversation that they had on FB while we were seeing each other. it was all innocent - him asking about the kid etc. but when i asked him about the last time he spoke to her he lied and said he hadnt in about a year.. i confronted him then and he said it was because he knew how jealous i was and didnt want to stir things up. He admitted that he shouldn't have lied and it was the wrong way to deal with it, but he didn't want to fight over it.

hes quite competitive and i notice that he tries to show people that he can do better than they thought he could or if they didnt believe in him. it could be a thing that he does to prove to himself that hes doing better than her but i dont know.

What do you all think? Thanks

[mhowe]

I think this is all in your head and if you don't stop bringing her up, you will lose him.

She is part of his past --- and you snooping and bringing her up is making her part of his present.

[OldGuy65]

Agreed, mhowe.

 

I couldn't let go of the past and it cost me the girl I had wanted for 25 years. It's probably irreparable now.

 

She would tell me 'why can't you be happy that you won and have me now?'. I would agree, and then just still compulsively dwell on the past.

 

It took losing her because of that to open my eyes.

 

Please, let it go. Find a way. You are so great that he is with you now, not her! You have no competition!

[chai714]

Spying has never resolved any real issues in relationships. The issues lie beyond the acts of deception. In this case, you're the one being deceiving via hacking his computer.

 

If him merely looking at his exes facebook is the worst problem you have, consider yourself blessed.

[PaintWithLight]

Why are you clocking his activity? i think this situation speaks volumes about you, rather than him. What internet advice gave you the idea that you should "dump him"? If anything, I think he is showing remarkable constraint. I would have been gone by now. You are not even his wife. What makes you think you can dictate his actions regarding who he innocently stays in touch with?

[goodheartlady]

Yes, you should work on your own insecurities as opposed to spying on your partner.

 

My policy is to never ask about past relationships. The past is the past, and they only add to your drama and insecurities.

[hotnspicychikn]

You are feeding your own insecurities by snooping and it will not only destroy your relationship but eat at your soul. I am completely over my ex-husband but still occasionally look at his facebook page 2 1/2 years after we split up. It simply is out of curiosity, that is all.

[meoww]

I check up on my exes sometimes and I have absolutely zero romantic feelings for them. I just want to make sure I'm doing better, as petty as that sounds. Sometimes I'm genuinely curious about their lives. Sometimes I just do out of habit.

 

There are many reasons he could be doing this. It doesn't necessarily mean he has feelings for her but if he is doing it every day I would honestly see it as a red flag. If he keeps doing it daily for the next couple of months, something is definitely up. It's just not healthy.

[FaFaFa]

Thanks for your answers. I do know how wrong the snooping is. But I feel like I need to know when this will end ... Like meoww said, it could be a red flag if he is thinking of her daily. He may not have feelings romantically for her but he has to be feeling/thinking something! I will not bring her (or the others) up again and see how that goes.

[marywilliam]

I had the same problem 3 years back and it had ruined my relationship.So I want to suggest you to enjoy your life with him rather than thinking about your stupid past.

[lerenard]

He broke up with her because he was sick of being controlled and treated badly. You are doing the same now, so if you keep on going you will be left just like she was.

But with her he at least had a little one to be attached to, while with you he doesn't have that.

There is a very good saying - curiosity killed the cat, and it also killed tons of great relationships. Stop while you still can.

[FaFaFa]

I am ashamed of my snooping. I'm trying to make a conscious effort to stop.ive stopped bringing up his past this past week.. I realise fully what I'm doing is quite controlling. I want to trust him fully - it's very hard for me.. And I can't trust my gut instincts right now as I suffer from anxiety, the while fact that he looks at her page daily and sometimes her friends pages doesn't seem to be of major concern to people here. It's my insecurities, but I would like to know if you think HIS activities are worth worrying over??

[Greatone99]

It's nothing to worry about. I look at my ex's page from time to time, just to see what's going on. I would never get back together with her.

[Thorshammer]

I guess i am in the minority, but i wouldnt want my a gf looking at her ex every other day. That would be a problem. I am content to believe that their are some shoes to fill to make me fall considering that my ex was the first true love i felt, but i dont check my ex's page now, nor would i if i was in a relationship. If anything, the girl i dated after the break up made me forget about her, but... i will say, i did check my ex's page when i was with this new girl because i was happy with my current woman, i was curious to what my ex was up to, and i knew anything i read would not bother me. But.. every other day? I have a few ex gfs on my facebook page, i sometimes forget they are even there. And for him to delete her and add her... thats odd to me. A simple, "it was a request from my current gf" would not have made it "weird". I deleted every single girl that sent me a pic comment on myspace for a gf, and i am stubborn like a mule.

 

There is no request that is out of bounds when it comes to a relationship (imo, as though its not too restrictive and illogical). And behavior like this would personally set me off.

 

I would stop snooping because its unattractive. I will say this bluntly, you will look ugly the more you snoop, it screams insecurity and weakness. Its like saying, "i dont have much validation to my worth, so i am snooping around to prove to myself that he feels the same- because he HAS to be seeking someone better than me".

 

Just let things be, he knows you know.. there is nothing else you can do at this point. Just focus on yourself, stop the show of insecurity, and pay attention to attractive traits- also, to get a little off topic, try to focus away from him. Learn to spend time by yourself, have fun with friends, create some distance between you both, eliminate a bit of the influence he has in your life from time to time, maybe that wont trigger the insecurity you constantly feel.

[FaFaFa]

Thanks Thorshammer for your reply! My boyfriend has become my best friend (same for him) in the last year, he enjoys spending his time with me too... I want to support him on one hand as he has said it is something he needs to do and he really doesn't see it as being an issue. He's a smart guy. He is adamant that it doesn't affect our relationship except when I make it a problem by getting angry about it. I dunno....

[lerenard]

just think about it like this - yes, he can look at her page everyday, but he looks at YOUR face everyday, he sleeps near YOU, YOU are the one he kisses, and so on.

I almost ruined my very special relationship because of my jealousy as well. past is past. you are the one he spends his NOW with. so stop doing his present unbearable and enjoy your time together.

[FaFaFa]

just think about it like this - yes, he can look at her page everyday, but he looks at YOUR face everyday, he sleeps near YOU, YOU are the one he kisses, and so on.

 

This is true and I really try to focus on all the good things and hope that in time, this too shall pass

[betterthan]

There has been a lot of great advice here, but I would also like to point out that there are TWO people that he "broke up" with.

You have to understand that when a break up involves children it is immensely different. He may actually be looking in on the child as well.

My ex has a son that I met when he was 2.5 and we broke up when he was 7. I miss him all the time and worry about how he is doing.... it is separate from how I feel about my ex.

[FaFaFa]

There has been a lot of great advice here, but I would also like to point out that there are TWO people that he "broke up" with.

You have to understand that when a break up involves children it is immensely different. He may actually be looking in on the child as well.

My ex has a son that I met when he was 2.5 and we broke up when he was 7. I miss him all the time and worry about how he is doing.... it is separate from how I feel about my ex.

 

Thank you betterthan, good point. My last relationship lasted nearly 8 years. Now I know you can't compare dogs with children but I had two big dogs who I loved like my babies. It wasn't the best relationship and I took a lot of solace in my non judgemental babies! I had to leave them behind and I haven't seen them in over a year but I still well up when I think of them. I am right now. I really can understand if this is the case for his looking her up. I just have a hard time trusting that it is that alone. It's getting easier - just a long process for me...

[meoww]

If he looks at her page every single day, or several times a week, my guess is that other issues will start surfacing in the relationship, if they aren't already. Part of your insecurity may be due to feeling like he isn't as invested in the relationship as you are. Rarely do these things happen in isolation.

 

I think that you have begun snooping to try to figure out where you stand. I think there are other ways of figuring that out without resorting to snooping. I wouldn't completely dismiss your insecurity and intuition that something is wrong just because you are already in the relationship and are attached to the idea of being with this person.

 

Sometimes people get insecure and possessive because they want to push their partner away. There might be part of you that is genuinely afraid of intimacy. Not just gettting hurt, but scared of connecting to a person on that level.