Brokenheart99 Posted August 28, 2013 Share Posted August 28, 2013 Is it just me or do all the stories of our exes that we paint out seem to be so awful. Of them giving up, trying, not being there emotionally, not enough attention, Etc etc..it almost makes you wonder how and why they can find love in the future with traits like that? Or is it just the relationship with us that brought that out? How can they be so different with someone else? If someone is selfish, don't they continue to be throughout their other relationships? If so, could it be assumed that they will be unhappy or "searching" until they change? Idk if I'm making sense here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted August 28, 2013 Share Posted August 28, 2013 Well, of course it runs the gamut. Some of us are those awful exes to somebody. In the case of my exH, he will not ever really be happy, but he did find a woman who is comfortable bossing him around and he has continued to pursue jobs that keep him out of her house. Hmmm, coincidence? Don't care, not mine to solve. In the case of my ex-" hubbah hubbah I wish we fell in love and oh my goodness maybe we did and we are so WRONG for each other... " I see him as so happy when we are (were) together and so conflicted that we are over and yet I know he is happy in the company of his now gf and I know that he would have derailed me. He is a deeply damaged soul and I dont know if he ever will be at peace. Not everyone is looking to go out into the world with a smile. Some are looking to escape from it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tinkie9901 Posted August 28, 2013 Share Posted August 28, 2013 You also need to consider if they are happy being selfish. Just because we can see where their behaviour falls short doesn't mean they think there is anything wrong with that behaviour. My ex husband was a serial cheater, and he is happy to be that way. And there will always be women willing to settle for that rather than be alone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
markie6 Posted August 28, 2013 Share Posted August 28, 2013 For most people here (disregarding the obvious bad ex's .. cheaters, abusers and the like) the ex's are not evil so and so's , they deserve to be happy as much as we do, if they decide they will be happier without us then who are we to judge Many of us at one time or another are forced to face our own selfishness, we want ourselves to be happy , but we aren't too keen if our happiness means we must keep somebody with us and make them unhappy. Sooner or later we have to accept that we are often the cause of their unhappiness and they decide they want something / somebody else. Of course if it's all handled in a mature and painless manner it doesn't need to be as nasty as it often feels. Years and years ago an ex pointed all this out to me , why she was unhappy, gave me a good explanation why things weren't working and asked me whether I wanted her to be happy and wanted the best for her. I agreed with her about it all. Now if all ex's handled the breakup properly, gave consideration to the feelings of the person they are leaving it would often take a lot less getting over. Sadly most dumpers and dumpees handle it all badly We want them to be happy ... and often they want us to be happy too. Just we cannot be happy together, just incompatible. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soloman9 Posted August 28, 2013 Share Posted August 28, 2013 I agree with markie6. Too often on this website people go on about "oh I know they'll be doing the same in the next relationship" or "she'll be a mug and putting up with his crap" etc. Quite frankly, it's probably not like that. Sometimes people aren't compatible and sometimes one person in the relationship invests more than the other. The next person they move onto may really challenge and inspire them, and they may behave completely differently. I know I have behaved differently with guys when I thought I was completely in charge and then like a different person when the guy respected himself etc. I would advise to stop dwelling on this sort of thinking and concentrate on yourself, your exs future relationships do not effect your life and you will never know what's going on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mbee Posted August 28, 2013 Share Posted August 28, 2013 Questions like this are hard to answer because people are not generic. I've dumped guys and did not think I was a bad person who needed to change to be happy. I think everybody needs to change and improve constantly but that's to improve your overall happiness. My ex cheated on me and is a completely different person now. Is he happy? Well last time we spoke, which was over 2 weeks ago, he was complaining about how depressed and unhappy he is. 6 months after being together I found out that he had cheated on a girlfriend before me and did some terrible things like hooking up with another woman who was unhappily married. He told me he changed and went to therapy and seemed remorseful. To be honest, I think he is very unhappy with cheating and he knows it's wrong. Then, he went ahead and did it to me, also with a married woman. He seemed fine for a few months, but again, last time we talked, he told me he was deeply depressed with his life. Here's the thing. I still love my ex and always will, BUT it really is his life. You need to stop worrying about these things. Like a previous poster said, some people are perfectly fine with cheating. That's just their lifestyle and they embrace it. Those people need to be with people who lack enough self-respect to be with a cheater. In terms of someone who didn't cheat or was abusive, that's an answer nobody here can answer. You can get a generic "yes" or "no" answer but what's the point? At a certain point you'll stop wondering and allow fate and time to handle these things for you. This is another person's life and the best you can do is hope for the best, and that that person improves overall, is happy and wish the same for yourself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brokenheart99 Posted August 28, 2013 Author Share Posted August 28, 2013 Yeah that's true, I think it just becomes easier to rest on the fact that their actions and traits will not allow them to be better off. It's easy resting on that crutch. But you all are right, I'm sure someone else will bring out a better side in them, and they will be happy. These emotions processing after a break up are hard and so depressing. I always wonder if I'm cycling through the stages of grief correctly, lol. If be bummed if I found out I was still stuck in bargaining or something Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Live-N-Learn Posted August 28, 2013 Share Posted August 28, 2013 Does it really matter if they are happy or not? How does that effect your healing and growth as a person? Better to just focus on your emotional well being and go and live a full and satisfying life. Time spent thinking about them and if they are ever going to change or are they happy is unproductive. Own your part of the demise of the relationship and become the best person you can be for your next relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lonewing Posted August 28, 2013 Share Posted August 28, 2013 They're already happy... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brokenheart99 Posted August 28, 2013 Author Share Posted August 28, 2013 Yeah thank you, I needed to hear that. I think it's hard because you hear about all these things where people tell u to just focus on ur own healing and growth etc and not worry about him. But how do u just tell ur brain not to? I would love to stop thinking about it and I keep myself as busy as possible but somehow it still creeps up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted August 28, 2013 Share Posted August 28, 2013 I agree with markie6. Too often on this website people go on about "oh I know they'll be doing the same in the next relationship" or "she'll be a mug and putting up with his crap" etc. Quite frankly, it's probably not like that. Sometimes people aren't compatible and sometimes one person in the relationship invests more than the other. The next person they move onto may really challenge and inspire them, and they may behave completely differently. I know I have behaved differently with guys when I thought I was completely in charge and then like a different person when the guy respected himself etc. I would advise to stop dwelling on this sort of thinking and concentrate on yourself, your exs future relationships do not effect your life and you will never know what's going on. Completely agree. Don't dwell on his/her life but do dwell on yours. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Live-N-Learn Posted August 28, 2013 Share Posted August 28, 2013 Yeah thank you, I needed to hear that. I think it's hard because you hear about all these things where people tell u to just focus on ur own healing and growth etc and not worry about him. But how do u just tell ur brain not to? I would love to stop thinking about it and I keep myself as busy as possible but somehow it still creeps up. I don't think you can stop the initial thoughts coming into your brain, but you do have the choice to dwell on it. When they come you should have a battle plan of what you are going to say to yourself to avoid wasting precious time and energy thinking about it. Over time the thoughts will be less and less. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mbee Posted August 28, 2013 Share Posted August 28, 2013 Yeah thank you, I needed to hear that. I think it's hard because you hear about all these things where people tell u to just focus on ur own healing and growth etc and not worry about him. But how do u just tell ur brain not to? I would love to stop thinking about it and I keep myself as busy as possible but somehow it still creeps up. Trust me, many of us know the feeling all too well. Honestly, you can't help it. You will think and obsess about it as long as you do. It's been 4 months and I think about my ex every single day BUT over the last 2 months I've actually focused on me. The first 2 months I was trying to move forward but it felt hazy or fake. The last month or so it's been real and everyday is still hard, but it has started to become easier and I've accepted a future without him in it. Nobody can tell you when this will happen but as long as you keep trying to move forward and know what you need to do, then time will handle the rest. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brokenheart99 Posted August 28, 2013 Author Share Posted August 28, 2013 Yeah I just feel like I do so well for a few days and then all over again I'm in this terrible funk. I think it was just easier resting on the fact that since he had awful qualities with me, so how could he find happiness that way. But what you all say is true. He probably will. There's someone for everyone. It's best I don't dwell, if only I could turn my brain off. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mbee Posted August 28, 2013 Share Posted August 28, 2013 Hey it's okay to think that way. I don't know your situation but seriously, it's normal to feel that way and it may be true. The point is, you just will never know. I'm sure my ex-boyfriend's ex-girlfriends before me hated me because we had a relationship that seemed awesome (lots of traveling, got a dog, etc.). To them it looked like he finally found the woman who made him happy and had changed. Little did they know that he was slowly showing his true colors to me, and it took 2 years for everything to go south. If your ex has a serious problem like lying, cheating, general selfishness, insecurity and major trust issues then I can tell you right now, it will show up in the next relationship. It may take months or years but it will happen. If your ex has some growing up to do, but overall isn't a bad person with lots of issues then he may find happiness but so will you. Trust me, these feelings are normal, especially right after a breakup. I still struggle with them and am looking forward to the day when I just wont care. All you can do is accept whatever comes your way. Also, be careful what you wish for. An ex-ex, I used to hope wouldn't find happiness with someone until he changed. Well that did happen and now I hope, 3 years later, that he'll find the right girl for him. He is dating someone now but there relationship has lots of issues. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brokenheart99 Posted August 28, 2013 Author Share Posted August 28, 2013 It's been two months since we have split, and while I have made a fair amount of progress, I still think about him everyday, slip into these funks every few days, etc etc. I guess it's just I wish I was further along by this point =\ I hope I will get there, I sure am trying to. I think my ex is overall a decent person with a ton of issues, but I know his last three gfs have all said what I said. I think during the relationship, I was just too in love to notice the red flags. And it worked out the same as it did for you. in the beginning, it was all great, but over the years his true colors showed after the newness and honeymoon faded. when the relationship became work and harder than his lazy self was willing to endure, he up and walked. it is what it is. It doesn't matter though, I think holding on to the fact that he will regret is like holding on to the relationship. Bc when he does move on and seems happy, it's like being dumped all over again. Perhaps it's just best to accept that he will be happy, never regret and never thinks about me. I thin it's just frustrating how slowly I feel like I'm healing. I just want the day to come where I stop caring about him and where I stop comparing every guy to him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annia Posted August 29, 2013 Share Posted August 29, 2013 I agree totally with what markie6 said in the first page. I was with my ex "unofficially" for some months. He went to live in another place. Even so we started a relationship. . After a short while of coming here to visit and going back to that place he starts having this weird texts with me about not being able to keep relationships for long and yadda yadda. The day after he breaks up with me by text and barely talks to me again. 5 days after he was in a relationship with another woman. I got really resentful and angry. I was sure he'd do the same to her, that with her he'd be the same and I confess that I even hoped he'd do the same to her and that he realized he couldn't be happy being like that. I wanted him to feel like I was feeling and realize he was crap. Guess what, after a year they're still together, living together and it seems they're very happy together and that he's a wonderful boyfriend now with her. Was it that he changed or that he was compatible with her and not with me? Like markie6 said, sometimes there's the compatibility issue, others there's the timing issue. It's not that this people are evil, it's just that with us it didn't work, or that probably at the time there were maturity differences. They can never change and still have a relationship with someone they're compatible with. Or maybe they find someone and they change. No matter what we shouldn't take it personally and I know that's hard. When you let go you stop thinking about all that stuff and in a more advance forgiveness stage you wish well to this person. Different people have different paths and different ways of living life and we should respect and accept that, even the ones of those who broke our heart. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QWit Posted August 29, 2013 Share Posted August 29, 2013 It shouldn't matter what they are..What matters is how YOU are.. Take them off the pedestal.. Whether they are happy or not, it's their life. Live for yourself.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brokenheart99 Posted August 29, 2013 Author Share Posted August 29, 2013 Yeah, you all are completely right. It's just hard to tell your brain to stop thinking about it or holding onto the crutch that somehow he will be unhappy too. But you all are right. Focusing on my healing is the best thing for me. Ugh I hate break ups I'm so thinking twice before I get in another relationship lol. I never wanna go through this again. The good memories and experiences are definitely not worth the pain and hurt and rejection for me in this case Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mbee Posted August 29, 2013 Share Posted August 29, 2013 Yeah, you all are completely right. It's just hard to tell your brain to stop thinking about it or holding onto the crutch that somehow he will be unhappy too. But you all are right. Focusing on my healing is the best thing for me. Ugh I hate break ups I'm so thinking twice before I get in another relationship lol. I never wanna go through this again. The good memories and experiences are definitely not worth the pain and hurt and rejection for me in this case That's all a part of the healing process. I felt that way quite a bit and I'm still not ready for a relationship but I've met some amazing, genuine and loving men over the past couple of months. These are people who clearly care about others and get me excited for when I find the right guy for me. That time may not come for awhile for the both of us and our hearts have to be ready, but one day you'll be ready for love. Just be patient with yourself and know that all this takes time and you never giving up on your own happiness. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted August 29, 2013 Share Posted August 29, 2013 My ex who is happily with someone else maintained, for a long time, like a year? -- a habit of writing me messages suggesting how unhappy he is that he chose to be with someone else. I kept coming to terms that he was happy, and then would have to see all over again that he was unhappy. It was frustrating, until I FINALLY realized that his happiness was really none of my concern. Now I accept him as is, whatever that may be. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brokenheart99 Posted August 29, 2013 Author Share Posted August 29, 2013 Yeah, very true thanks for the encouragement, the road gets so dark sometimes, it's nice knowing I'm going in the right direction though what stage of grief would this be classified as? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted August 29, 2013 Share Posted August 29, 2013 Yeah, very true thanks for the encouragement, the road gets so dark sometimes, it's nice knowing I'm going in the right direction though what stage of grief would this be classified as? the normal stage haha you know, we just all walk down these pathways until we find something new, a new understanding of ourselves, of how we find peace -- of whether we even want peace -- I appreciate the comfort that comes from organizing the stages. I also want to encourage you to just let it be, listen to yourself and find something new, and know that that person smiling at you from the grocery store counter? they are going through it too, and you'd never know. It just is part of the process. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mbee Posted August 29, 2013 Share Posted August 29, 2013 the normal stage haha you know, we just all walk down these pathways until we find something new, a new understanding of ourselves, of how we find peace -- of whether we even want peace -- I appreciate the comfort that comes from organizing the stages. I also want to encourage you to just let it be, listen to yourself and find something new, and know that that person smiling at you from the grocery store counter? they are going through it too, and you'd never know. It just is part of the process. She's correct. This is all just a part of the process. The last month or so I've been trying to really be compassionate and open with others. I'm naturally like this so this wasn't a huge deal for me BUT after the way my ex treated me I went through a dark time where I questioned relationships, love and humanity. When you open your heart and show compassion, you realize that many of your feelings have been felt by many, many people. Not everyone is in your situation but it's encouraging to see many people who have been through it and survived. You also encounter people who didn't survive and are still bitter and this guides you away from making those mistakes, which is keeping your head in the past and allowing yourself to remain focused on a person who ultimately doesn't want to be in your life anymore, rather than opening your heart to new friendships and love. You'll get there! It really is normal, and honestly there's no time line. I'm still deeply hurting and it's been 4 months for me. Things get better though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brokenheart99 Posted August 29, 2013 Author Share Posted August 29, 2013 That's encouraging thank you! I think unfortunately, bc of my job and living situation I am alone too much with our memories and it ruins all my healing. I'm trying so hard to change environments but it's not so easy to just up and change your life. But hopefully soon! I just want to be over him already lol, so I can completely not care. Soon, hopefully break ups suck! dumpers should go to break up prison where they are all forced to watch reruns of Xena the warrior princess >.> Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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