blueline2013 Posted August 13, 2013 Share Posted August 13, 2013 This is my first post here. I won't go into any sort of backstory about myself except for how it relates to my current situation. Basically, I'm attracted and "in lust" over my sister-and-law. I have been for about 4 years now. It started about 1 year before my wife and I got married. We have a little boy now, he's almost two. Back in 2009, my then fiancee and I miscarried our first child. We were relatively young, and it was a new experience for both of us (and a shock) to have a child. But then to lose it??? I am sure it took a toll on my wife in normal ways. For me it manifested in..odd ways. This is when my SIL was dating her boyfriend of 3 years. I was on her laptop one day and her browser window was up (Side note, my SIL is very attractive, she had just lost a fair amount of weight after going on an exercise program). I was curious, of course, and opened her inbox. I saw an email to her boyfriend when he was away for work. Provocative photos of her. I will leave it at that. I felt weird...It just triggered something in me. Someone I felt comfortable seeing other than my wife. Someone who liked me as a brother and friend, and someone who I honestly have more in common with in terms of hobbies and interests. In my mind she was the object of my lust and affection, and of course her body was adding to that lust. From then on I noticed her more, hung out with her more and more. I became obsessed with just being by her. My wife and I got married a year later. I do admit the night before my wedding looking back and seeing what I had seen online as a big regret, but alas... I am here today no different than I was. Sure the feelings would wax and wane. Every time a guy is interested in her I become very possessive and protective. Almost going beyond the call of BIL and into some semi-awkward territory. I become distant from my wife and child, depressed. When I catch word my SIL has been intimate with a guy (usually a jerk) it makes me almost vomit...as if my own wife has cheated on me! That is about where I am tonight and this past week. I love my wife very much, but I can't tell about this, or any of my friends. I am between jobs and do not have healthcare for myself at the moment, so I can't afford therapy just yet. I do have a job that might be promising, but it's still weeks off. I am afraid I'll be forever depressed with these feelings for my SIL. I do LOVE her, as a brother and as family. I couldn't imagine my life without her, as she could not without me. Where I go beyond is how jealous I am over her, how much I imagine things in my head....ugh, how does one move past this?? I've done some searches on here and it seems not many are afflicted by this same issue (at least not many people have spoken publicly about it) Sincerely, Tired and Confused Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Capricorn3 Posted August 13, 2013 Share Posted August 13, 2013 I think getting involved with your brother's wife would be a HUGE mistake. Messing with FAMILY is never a good idea and will cause life-long grief for all involved. Why would you risk such a thing. Break up their family, break up your own family, your child - that's just way too many people YOU will hurt. Let that be on your conscience. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Realitynut Posted August 13, 2013 Share Posted August 13, 2013 Capricorn, he's NOT wanting to get involved with his SIL. He loves his wife...he's obsessed over his SIL and wants to 'move past it'. He says i do LOVE her, as a brother and family. Where i go beyond is how jealous i am about her." He wants to curb his desire. He has searched on the internet. How it started was he looked at pics of her on the internet...to her then bf. And it's basically become a fantasy/obsession ever since. He wants help in getting OVER it ! Just to make things clear! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pl3asehelp Posted August 13, 2013 Share Posted August 13, 2013 I thinn you love her, not your wife. I don't see how you can force yourself to love someone you don't just because it's what you think you should be doing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Capricorn3 Posted August 13, 2013 Share Posted August 13, 2013 Capricorn, he's NOT wanting to get involved with his SIL. He loves his wife...he's obsessed over his SIL Maybe its just me, but if you claim to love your wife, then surely you should be "obsessed" with HER, and not some other women, least of all your own sister-in-law? Having such a strong attraction and LUST, to the point of obsessive jealousy for another women does not sound like LOVE for his wife (imo). That said, if he wants to avoid this getting any further, then he should start to focus on his OWN marriage and his WIFE and his child, instead of lusting over his sister-in-law. I think spending more quality time and focus on your own family is the way to go. As long as your thoughts dwell on someone else, then you won't "get over" her, because your attention isn't on your own family. And also, if the marriage is in trouble in any way, then go to marriage counseling to help sort it out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hazyillusions Posted August 13, 2013 Share Posted August 13, 2013 I thinn you love her, not your wife. I don't see how you can force yourself to love someone you don't just because it's what you think you should be doing. It sounds more a fantasy and infatuation than love. Hence the jealousy etc. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Firecracker Posted August 13, 2013 Share Posted August 13, 2013 What you have to do is get your head out of the clouds, and do it now. You will realize one day that this is just garbage. And if you ruin your life over this, that is your choice. It is something you can stop. And you don't need therapy. Just do it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blueline2013 Posted August 13, 2013 Author Share Posted August 13, 2013 Capricorn, he's NOT wanting to get involved with his SIL. He loves his wife...he's obsessed over his SIL and wants to 'move past it'. He says i do LOVE her, as a brother and family. Where i go beyond is how jealous i am about her." He wants to curb his desire. He has searched on the internet. How it started was he looked at pics of her on the internet...to her then bf. And it's basically become a fantasy/obsession ever since. He wants help in getting OVER it ! Just to make things clear! Yes she is my wife's sister, which obviously makes things difficult. I am not obsessed to the point of not being able to function. Prior to this month when I was layed off from my state gov't position, I had no trouble performing my duties. It's my home life that is suffering. I've gone weeks without thinking of her, but then she'll come visit or call me up and it gets my mind working again. I dearly love my wife, which is why I am posting here rather than speaking of this to her - this would crush her. I am sure on some level she knows that my flirtation with her sister sometimes seems more than brother/sister, but she must pass it off. I am not trying to fool her or pull the wool over her eyes. I've let these emotions/fantasies plague my mind for far too long. What keeps me coming back is how easy we get along. Granted I am not married to her, so that dynamic is totally different, but at one point we were all living together, we know the most personal things about each other (it's family). My wife can be judgmental and critical more so than I like, which adds to my daily stress. I seek out my SIL to get away from that. At least I know i'm not being looked at as crazy! It's a messed up situation. I won't go into what ifs...what if I met her first? Well probably nothing would have happened! I'm at least smart enough to understand I have a "secret" problem that if left alone it will eventually become a public problem for all to see. I used to have this same lust/fantasy over girls I had crushes on in high school...Man, it's the same damn feeling! Of course then I was always rejected, friend-zoned, what have you. My wife was the first person to think I was "cool" and now we have an adorable daughter. I wouldn't trade any of it in for the world, I just wish these feelings would go away and I can look at my SIL as my SIL and nothing more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
offplanet Posted August 13, 2013 Share Posted August 13, 2013 I suppose this isn't a helpful comment but I don't understand why you married your wife when feeling so strongly about someone else. I guess the 'someone else' wasn't available and maybe never would be, and as you said, your wife was the first one to think you're 'cool' and you might not have realized how much your feeling would escalate. Anyway don't 'seek her out' when your wife is being critical etc as that's only going to add fuel to the fire. Don't seek her out at all, but avoid her as much as possible. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hopefully Posted August 13, 2013 Share Posted August 13, 2013 If she isnt the only person you were attracted to this way then you need to see a therapist. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted August 13, 2013 Share Posted August 13, 2013 This is tantamount to taking a grenade and throwing it in the middle of your family and emotionally slaughtering the whole bunch. You better get a grip on yourself or this will destroy your entire family. This woman is a fantasy in your head and nothing more. Can you imagine the betrayal to your wife with her sister?! I hate to tell you this but people have died for less. You will emotionally kill an entire family,piit siblings and parents against each other, lose your wife, lose your daughter. You will lose your friends too. It's time to pull your head out of wherever it's at. Concentrate on your own family. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
offplanet Posted August 13, 2013 Share Posted August 13, 2013 I don't think he's planning on trying to hook up with her, he wants to know how to get over his obsession. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Iggles Posted August 13, 2013 Share Posted August 13, 2013 You need to limit the amount of time you spend with her. Add emotional distance when she comes around to visit. Stop flirting with her. Be polite but busy yourself with other things -- meeting with your friends, working on your car, etc. And, no matter what -- no more confiding in your sister-in-law when you're upset with your wife!! That creates emotional intimacy. So many affairs start with men confiding in female "friends" about their relationship problems! Over time, they appreciate an "understanding" ear so much that they began the train of thought, "how come my wife can't be more like you?" Which later becomes, "why can't my wife be you?" As for your obsessive thoughts about SIL, you need to avert them to other topics. When you think, "I wonder what she is doing?" Catch yourself, and direct it to something else. It will take time but you've made a habit of indulging in fantasies about the SIL that make you feel good. It's time to stop that. No more indulging these thoughts. When she crosses your mind, immediately think of another chosen topic. link removed blog post is great. The two tips most relevant are: Try to keep in mind that you are probably not really in love with a real person, but rather you are in love with what him/her represents to you. And Work on disassociating the idea of the person you adore from the flesh-and-blood individual. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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