Marriage + Kids + Long Distance = Dead Friendship?

[Double J]

My closest friend -- whom I selected to be the best man at my wedding next year -- and I met close to 10 years ago in our first semester of college.

 

The first two years of the friendship were truly its golden years. Once we got into relationships, began working full time, and found ourselves at different colleges -- I graduated from the two-year college at which we met a year or so before he did -- we grew apart and seemed to correspond more frequently via phone and MSN Messenger.

 

From then on, the friendship has had an "ebb and flow" to it. In 2008, his wife emigrated to the U.S. from Nicaragua, and they had their daughter the following year.

 

From 2011 through the better part of 2012, we grew close once again -- almost as close as we'd been the first two years of the friendship. Unfortunately, if I had to describe our friendship over the last 8 or so months, I'd say the word "tumultuous" comes to mind. Up until 2011, my friend and I had mostly been "basketball buddies" and we agreed it'd be nice to take our friendship to a whole new level by going on double dates with our partners (plus his daughter).

 

The meetings felt rather awkward. My friend, who loves to tell jokes and act silly when I'm alone with him, was a lot more subdued while in the presence of his wife and kid. The fact his wife's first language is Spanish and she hardly speaks English (my fiancee and I speak Spanish but prefer to speak in English) at times made for even more awkwardness when talking to one another.

 

The takeaway here is that this "let's all go out in a group" experiment failed miserably. My friend got into the habit of declining my invitations to do things that single friends without kids typically do together (shoot pool, watch a movie, etc.) By the same token, I wasn't always inclined to go with him and his family to family-friendly haunts (water parks, local zoo, etc.). It got to the point where my friend would put a lot of pressure on me to follow through when I so much as hinted I would go with him and his family anywhere; if I told him I couldn't make it, even if my excuse was perfectly legitimate, all hell would break loose. (He once hung up in my face after I told him I couldn't meet him at the park to play. My reason: My fiancee wasn't feeling well. He didn't care.) It seemed as though the last thing he wanted to do in this world was upset his wife or disappoint her in any way.

 

My friend and I later agreed that we should have left things as they were. We realized that we were no longer the two 18-year-olds who met in college almost a decade earlier. We were now at different life stages, and we just couldn't seem to reconcile them.

 

The situation reached a fever pitch in March. My phone calls went unreturned, my friend never bothered to wish me a Happy Birthday (he later admitted he did this on purpose because he was upset), and he seemed to be doing everything he could to avoid meeting me face to face. Over the last couple of months, the only times he's expressed interest in seeing me has been when he's needed something (e.g. a teammate for 2-on-2 with coworkers at the park, someone to pick him up when he leaves his car at the shop, a baseball fan like me to go with him and his family to the baseball game so I could guide them around the ballpark and answer their questions). In other words, any meetings of late have had strings attached.

 

We had a 3-hour conversation in March in which we both vented our frustrations. At the start of that conversation, I sensed he was rather hostile and that we wouldn't be getting out of that restaurant with our friendship intact. Somehow our friendship survived -- likely because I had made him my best man a year earlier and I sold him on how much it would mean to me if he honored his commitment to stand with me at the alter.

 

Not surprisingly, our friendship has remained rocky since. Phone calls and face-to-face encounters have been few and far between this year. As if that weren't enough, my friend was offered a job within his company that has forced him to relocate to a city that's 5 hours away.

 

I've heard and read that long distance can be a bane to friendships. I understand that my friend has a full plate (new job, new city, having to support a wife and kid), but it'd be nice to get a call from him once in a while. I'd especially like to know how things are going for him in his new city. I've already sent him various text/Facebook messages since he moved, but all I've gotten in return is his "liking" some of the Facebook posts.

 

Do you think this friendship has run its course? In your experience, can long distance relationships survive if one person isn't doing his or her part?

 

I feel that if he doesn't throw me a bone once in a while, I'll grow tired of the routine rather quickly. (I'm already reaching out to other friends: Just this weekend I met up with another college friend for lunch.) Yes, family comes before everything else, but I'm starting to feel that he's just too wrapped up in family life to have any semblance of a social life.

 

Thanks for reading this long post and I look forward to reading your replies.

[RedDress]

If there is one thing that you can count on in life - it's change. It sounds like the two of you did not navigate change in your friendship very well.

 

In my experience, it's perfectly normal when someone gets married and has kids, for their focus to shift elsewhere and for them to want to do more "family friendly" things. I think it's fabulous that you tried to go on "double dates"... but did you guys really try that hard? It seems that he and his wife tried to keep that alive by continuing to invite you to things - but you kinda rejected that. I have to wonder... is it your fiancee who felt "awkward" with all of this and didn't really want to hang with them? This is the impression that I am getting and would also possibly explain why they wouldn't care if your fiancee was "feeling ill"...

 

With a wife who barely speaks english (which means she probably feels pretty isolated) and a young child to take care of - I'm not surprised that he didn't want to leave his wife at home to do too many "single" things.

 

I think you need to consider where you want the relationship to go from here. He is not interested in "single" things. He is a family guy. Are you prepared to embrace his family? If not, the relationship is pretty much dead. If you are willing to accommodate this, maybe you should make a gesture to invite them all to dinner next time he/you are in town.

 

It's ok to have "single" friends (that aren't him) and other "family" friends (who is him). Friends aren't like lovers - you can have many that meet different needs. But if your expectation is that you can be drinking buddies like in college? That's unrealistic and not what he wants.

 

PS: In my own life and experience, I also have friends and family members who are completely French. While I prefer to speak English, while they are around, I also always make a point to have a side-conversation or two with them in French - even if the rest of the evening is in English. It makes them feel welcome and included. Or sometimes we speak "Franglais" (one person speaks in English, the other answers in French). If you are all fluent, this shouldn't be a problem. Maybe you guys can introduce some "Spanglish" into your get togethers.

[Double J]

I didn't expect him to only go with me to play basketball and shoot pool. Friendships are about compromise. I expected for us to do a little of both, but I think he felt as though he could get away with dictating when and where we saw one another--simply because he has a kid and I don't.

 

I realize change is inevitable in life. I can't expect him to be the same guy I met in college 10 years ago. But it would be nice for him to put in a little more time and effort. One-sided friendships never last, and unless he begins to call/message me a little more, it is me who will cease trying to keep in touch.

[Double J]

: any other replies?