Update

[Brokenheart99]

Hey all, remember me you can read my original story if you care. But it's been about a month since we split(feels like eternity but hasn't been that long). I've made a ton of mistakes that I wish I can say I will correct in the future, but out of grief and broken hearts, people do a lot of craziness. He cut me off hard when we first split, for two weeks, ignored me all together. Finally I guess he felt terrible for doing as such and called to properly break up. He seemed pretty sad then, we both cried, talked all night etc, said it was really tough for him, etc. we broke up over religion(but now that I think about it, I think that was partly an excuse, he just wasn't as committed to me in the relationship and thinks there are better options for him than me that are easier and more compatible). Either way, I made all the classic mistakes of spamming him, crying, arguing etc, he was nice about it sometimes and then just got annoyed as time went on. Either way, I had to accept the split and we had agreed to remain friends. This was like a week back. I asked him if he really wanted to, he said yes he did even though it's hard bc I've been such a big part of his life for so long.

 

Anyway, the friendship(maybe I didn't give it much of a chance, 3-4 days), but it just seemed like effort on my part. He would respond really delayed or be real short etc, cancel things we had planned without letting me know. So finally, 3 days ago, I got fed up with being treated as such, I wrote him msg saying his behavior was no way to treat a friend and I said sorry if I had been rude. He responded back real short saying, wasnt trying to ignore me, busy day, sorry hope things were good. We haven't talked since.

 

I know everyone will just say move on, etc. and i am, slowly. I guess my thing is, sometimes it's just easier for me to move on with a bit of revenge. i dont mean torching his car etc, just i guess its easier to see him regret and be miserable etc. So honestly at this point, I don't think and obsess about him as much, I'm really proud of that. Ive made a ton of positive changes in my life, even been going on a few dates, which is going well. I think that will give me the last little push I need to get over him. He's had so much control over me for so long, I guess I just want my vengeance, fairness/justice. idk im weird hah. I sound so bad when I say that, but surely most ppl here can understand the feeling. I dont mean any ill on him, i think everything just feels so unfair. Plus, even tho we havent talked much lately, hes been a huge part of my life and my best friend, so i would still love it if we could stay friends at some point. Best revenge is living well, right? We are ldr. So I guess, my question is what would be best? To stay casual friends or cut him off all together? What would be best to make him regret? I'm afraid cutting him off will just make him forget me but I think being friends will just give him all the benefits of me without having to be in a relationship and I'll just have to watch him move on. So I'm stuck. Any thoughts? Please spare the, just who cares, move on, ignore him comments. I am moving in my own break up pattern, I guess I just do it differently. Thanks!

[mhowe]

Then stumble thru the briar patch known as "let's be friends".

 

Seriously, how can you be "friends" with someone you want to have revenge against?

 

I don't wish ill on my friends, but maybe you are different.

[Snow Bird]

It's essential to give each other time with no contact to heal first. After a period of time has passed then you try friendship. There hasn't been enough time passed yet.

[KyleS]

If you want to keep being friends with him, then keep being friends with him.

 

If you want revenge on him, then cease being friends with him (or just don't talk to him again) and forget about him.

 

Revenge won't get you anywhere. You already understand the reasons it was too difficult for him. Unless you feel you can make changes in your life that would make it easier for him so that you can try and get him back, then you'd be best to just understand that this was too much for him.

 

If you are truly best friends with him, you will understand why he had to do it and keep being friends with him, and not wish ill or revenge on him. If you don't feel you can change the things he was having difficulties with, then just accept that he was right to do this. If you feel you can change the things he was having difficulties with, then you can change them and see where it goes later down the line. If you do, just don't take anything for granted or assume you'll definitely get him back; try not to feel like you definitely have to get him back, but just to see him as a possibility among many others.

[stillbelieving]

Breaking up over religion really is just an excuse...& its cruel because he shouldn't have gotten involved with you if he knew it would be a problem. My ex broke up with me listing religion as one of the reasons & I just don't trust that. Its so hard not to want to be friends...I tried staying friends with him...but I'd get so upset when he took long to reply or when he responded in a non-conversational way. I learnt that no contact truly is the best. Even tho u want revenge its cos ur hurting a lot but trust me any type of "revenge" is only gonna make u look bad. I know its so hard but just let it be. If he truly considers u a bestfriend he will make the effort. My ex promised me that no matter what hed always be my bestfriend...& yet he spoke to me like I'm some obsessed fan that he's tryna get rid of, so I just stopped speaking to him. I love him so much & guess if he's happy then he should just live his life even tho I'm not anything to him anymore Goodluck girl.

[Brokenheart99]

Thanks for the response. I guess I wouldn't necessarily call it revenge. I think I just want him to regret his decision to break it off with me. I think he's just young and wants to explore his options cuz he thinks he has a better option out there than me. And religion makes it tough so I guess that sealed the deal. I think it just makes me feel better knowing he's regretting, so I guess that's why I would want it. Its just frustrating to see him so happy etc all the time. idk, i guess i wanna see him regret. maybe so i know i meant something real to him, that i affected him. maybe im just still deeply hurt or who knows, maybe this is the anger stage of my grief, heh. I did change some of the things that caused us to break up, but I really think he has to explore his options(maybe date around to realize what we had etc) before he would decide to come back, and that's a big if he would come back. He probably still won't come back despite all that, idk, I guess I'd like to believe he will regret. I can just see how it goes. I have a bday in a few days, we didnt end on bad terms, honestly i will be pretty bummed if he doesnt even say happy bday. Maybe limited contact will be best, I hate burning bridges, I always keep contact with all my exes.

[Brokenheart99]

And yeah I guess ur right stillbelievin, if he wanted to remain friends, he would make the effort, which he hasnt(maybe he hasn't because he thinks I'm mad since the MSG I sent him). Idk. But I guess that's why I wrote what I wrote, bc he didn't seem to be making the effort and I don't want that kinda mistreatment. When we agreed to be friends, I had told him I wasn't gonna make all the effort, and he said he didn't expect me to. And granted its only been a few days, but I haven't heard from him. So actions speak louder huh. I guess I'll try to stay resolved and hold onto this conviction. If he wants to be a part of my life, he will be. Otherwise, I guess I know my answer. It just feels so unfair..heh he gets to break up, give up, take my heart, my best friend, use me etc and then just walk away unscathed. I know this is how break ups go...but it feels so unfair. Maybe that's why I want my revenge of him at least feeling bad. When does it become equal? =\

[Tanzi]

So I guess, my question is what would be best? To stay casual friends or cut him off all together? What would be best to make him regret? I'm afraid cutting him off will just make him forget me but I think being friends will just give him all the benefits of me without having to be in a relationship and I'll just have to watch him move on. So I'm stuck. Any thoughts? Please spare the, just who cares, move on, ignore him comments. I am moving in my own break up pattern, I guess I just do it differently. Thanks!

 

Yep, that is generally what happens when staying in touch with someone who has ended a relationship with you.

 

And if someone can forget you that quickly then evidently they didn't think that much of you in the first place and you are basically flogging a dead horse anyway.

 

Dumpers and dumpees see friends in a different way. He agreed to stay "friends" with you because that is what you asked for and he, undoubtedly, felt a sense of duty to say yes or he didn't want to hurt you any more by saying no. His actions, however, are telling a different story. Whatever his reasons were for agreeing, he (as the dumper) will see "friends" as returning your texts and answering your calls and basically supporting you if you need it ... but from a safe distance. You have to realise that by ending the relationship he has chosen to be APART from you and to create a new life without you. That is going to be impossible to do if you are calling or texting him all the time and asking to meet up .... and from your contact so far you are still showing him that you have certain expectations from him. His actions are of someone who doesn't really want to have this connection with you and although he probably isn't dealing with it in the best way, my guess is he doesn't know how to handle this "friendship" because the level of "friendship" you expect isn't something he can give.

 

The bottom line is he wants time and space AWAY from you and you have no choice but to respect that. There were two of you in this relationship and, unfortunately for you, it isn't all about you. His needs come into it too.

 

It isn't really revenge in the true sense of the word that you are seeking .... he has hurt you and you wish that he could feel that same pain over you too, that is not unusual by any means. For him to know that you are moving on with your life is the only way you can have any possibility in doing that. The benefit to that is:

 

1) you don't have to have contact with him for him to be aware that you are moving on which is, of course, beneficial to you. In fact, NOT having contact with him is a sure way of letting him know that you are moving on with your life; and

 

2) by the time you have moved on to a happier place you will no longer care about what he is feeling and wanting "revenge".

 

So as much as you want to be spared the whole moving on and ignore him comments that is precisely what you need to do. After all, that is what he has asked for.

[Tanzi]

When does it become equal? =\

When you have moved on, or are moving on, too.

[stillbelieving]

I know what u mean, I also want my ex to regret his decision & the weird thing is I somehow feel that he will...not now but maybe in a couple of years or maybe once he's dated someone else. Be confident in who u were in the relationship & take comfort in the fact that @ one point you really did make him happy & u guys have memories that another girl will never experience...so he will think of u again. Its so difficult to just move on, I don't feel like I'll be with another guy ever again but it doesn't bother me anymore. I STILL stalk his fb lol but I've accepted that whatever's gonna happen will. I know I didn't cheat on him & I didn't treat him badly so his reasons for breaking up with me were more about tryna explore better options. So all I can say is that I hope your ex regrets his decision & ex mine does too, surely life doesn't work that way Where someone can just break ur heart, leave u depressed & then go on to live happily after? Can't be that unfair.

[stillbelieving]

I like your advice a-little-blue, definitely something I could use.

[Brokenheart99]

Man stillbelieving, I feel Exactly the same as you!! It's like we have the same exboyfriend. I feel like he will regret his decision, but it won't be for a while till he's dated other women and seen what it's like. We had a great relationship, most of our difficulties came from him, I had some too obv but he contributed a lot to it. So I guess I just rest on the fact that if its meant to be, somehow maybe years down the road, it will. Otherwise I guess it wasnt.

 

Alittleblue, your advice is solid, and I'm trying to hold steadfast to it. I think if he reaches out and contacts me, I will probably be polite and keep limited contact. I feel too mean telling someone I never want to talk to them again. Honestly, I never thought I would get to where I am, I'm really proud of myself. I had a great night tonight, I feel like I'm not so dependent and weepy, I can actually stalk his facebook without crying and getting all panicky. I don't think about him constantly, and I've actually really enjoyed things in life lately. It's only been a month since we split, but I'm pretty proud of my progress. I still have many bad days, mainly when I'm alone and bored. And im sure if i see that he gets a new girlfriend, ill breakdown and be at square one. But I never thought I would have good days again, so I'm pretty happy with my progress. You guys definitely helped, thanks!

[Tanzi]

Brokenheart, you seem to be making great progress but I think it is a shame you still feel compelled to "stalk" your ex on Facebook. You seem pleased that you can stalk him without it causing you any anguish when really your aim should be to stop stalking him altogether. The best way to do that is to delete him from Facebook. It doesn't have to cause any drama. You can disappear quietly but should he follow it up you can politely let him know that it is something you need to do in order for you to move on if you think it will make you feel better to give an explanation (though you shouldn't have to). My ex was upset when I deleted him from Facebook but he understood that I had to do it. Any good person would. Stalking him on Facebook is still keeping you tied to him of sorts and still making him very much a focus in your life. You admitted that you would be back to square on if you were to see that he had a new gf, so why put yourself in that position? Why undo all the hard work that you have put in so far? Deleting him from Facebook isn't going to stop him coming to find you if he should ever want to.

[Brokenheart99]

Idk I guess I never delete anyone from facebook, none of my exes. I just check their page until I'm over it. I hate burning the bridge and losing the contact. But more than that, I guess I want him to be able to see mine, to make it just as hard. Idk I just never have. Maybe if he gets a new gf and I realize it hurts me too much, perhaps then. But I still never have. Eventually I just stop caring and I'm glad I kept the contact.

[Brokenheart99]

Besides, his fb Is open so even if I blocked him, I'm sure I could still look him up. I blocked him off my newsfeed. i think even if i wereto block him, i could unblock him. when we split, I asked him nicely to not try and make me jealous on fb, so I feel like he has upheld that. For some reason I'm weird, I just stalk until I stop caring.

[Tanzi]

Deleting someone from Facebook isn't burning bridges though. There is a difference from burning bridges and helping yourself to move on. He can still contact you if he wanted to ... but I guess we all have our own ways of dealing with things. I, for one, couldn't cope with watching my ex's new life unfold before me. I have to let go as much as possible to create a life that doesn't involve him. He can, and still does, contact me though - though whether that is a good or bad thing is a different matter!

[stillbelieving]

You sound so much like me brokenheart, I also can't delete my ex off fb...I know that if I do I'll still end up looking @ his fb from outside my friend list. I like knowing what's going on. Its not like I look @ his page everyday but I just don't see the need to delete him. A-little-blue's right tho, it does speed up the healing process. I just can't...& if he happens to find someone new & see it on fb I know its gonna hurt but I'm willing to take that risk, @least then I'll know it truly was not meant to be. I don't think there's anything with having hope or believing...so keep the hope alive just don't let it intefere with your life or stop u from living life to the fullest. Keep positive...as my screenname says I'm still believing & won't stop until the day that I feel I need to.

[Brokenheart99]

Yeah idk for me keeping him added seems to be helping some, because his life is so different from mine now and the differences I keep seeing just kinda help reinforce that maybe it wouldn't have worked out. I miss who he was and how our relationship used to be and how he used to care. But he's just changed so much, that it almost seems like I don't fit anymore, or at least not to the point where I would feel comfortable. I'm sure if he wanted me in his life, he would find a way to make me fit and I would feel comfortable etc, but again that's a big if and I think that ship has sailed. Perhaps I think this would happen years from now when he's lonely, bored or has lived out some of these experiences that he wants to have but feels like he can't have when he's with me. So oh well, I just so wish I could see the regret honestly. Sadly, I keep telling myself that he will regret, but I don't know the thought that he isn't seems to be creeping in my head. Surprisingly it doesn't cripple me as much anymore. I'm sure he misses our good times and my friendship etc, we were great friends, laughed a lot etc, I helped him a ton, but idk guys have this annoying way of folding things up, not regretting and just accepting what's done is done and moving on. It's so annoying. Hah. I guess the only real thing that bugs me is how unfair it all feels. But hopefully one day that will go away. What's the saying, you have to let something go, if it comes back to you, it was yours to begin with, if it doesn't, it was never yours. So, I'm doubting he will anytime soon or ever but I hope that life isn't as sweet for him without me in it I do check his fb everyday, but that's just me. Always have. I just stalk till I stop caring. Idk why. It's probably not healthy, but sadly just how I function. Mainly, I'm just sad it didn't work out considering how much time, sacrifices were invested in it. That's the hardest thing for me to accept honestly, and that's what keeps me holding on so much.

[snappy5]

The best revenge is living well.

[Brokenheart99]

Very true! Except it would just be nice to see that he actually is being affected by it. I'm guessing he is, maybe he just puts on a better front. Also, his family and I are pretty close, and while he used religion as a great excuse to break up so he still looks like a decent person to them, I know the real truth is he gave up to find something easier/more compatible. Idk I guess I wish they know. Feels unfair. Arghhh lol. Why is it that people who wrong you live this amazing life afterwards? Where is karma when you need it? Haha, who wants karma 5 years later when you don't care anymore anyway =p so unsatisfying

[snappy5]

Very true! Except it would just be nice to see that he actually is being affected by it. I'm guessing he is, maybe he just puts on a better front. Also, his family and I are pretty close, and while he used religion as a great excuse to break up so he still looks like a decent person to them, I know the real truth is he gave up to find something easier/more compatible. Idk I guess I wish they know. Feels unfair. Arghhh lol. Why is it that people who wrong you live this amazing life afterwards? Where is karma when you need it? Haha, who wants karma 5 years later when you don't care anymore anyway =p so unsatisfying

 

You need to grow the **** up and understand your emotions and process them. Getting revenge is idiotic and immature. You don't slap a 5 year old for making a mistake, you explain what happened and ask him not to do it again, and reaffirm your affections for them. Why is this concept hard to apply as an adult? If you want any sort respect for yourself or from them later in time then being a good person and taking the high road is much more memorable than being a crazy vindictive ex. This will also have much larger applications for any social relationship you form.

[nfperception]

You need to grow the **** up and understand your emotions and process them. Getting revenge is idiotic and immature. You don't slap a 5 year old for making a mistake, you explain what happened and ask him not to do it again, and reaffirm your affections for them. Why is this concept hard to apply as an adult? If you want any sort respect for yourself or from them later in time then being a good person and taking the high road is much more memorable than being a crazy vindictive ex. This will also have much larger applications for any social relationship you form.

 

Could you please explain your definition of "taking the high road"?

[snappy5]

Could you please explain your definition of "taking the high road"?

 

It means ending things amicably, accepting their decision, categorically disappearing from their life, and not harboring vindictive feelings.

[nfperception]

You need to grow the **** up and understand your emotions and process them. Getting revenge is idiotic and immature. You don't slap a 5 year old for making a mistake, you explain what happened and ask him not to do it again, and reaffirm your affections for them. Why is this concept hard to apply as an adult? If you want any sort respect for yourself or from them later in time then being a good person and taking the high road is much more memorable than being a crazy vindictive ex. This will also have much larger applications for any social relationship you form.

 

While I agree with this, if you are brash in your response (like what I bolded) sometimes people will do the opposite in retaliation.

 

It means ending things amicably, accepting their decision, categorically disappearing from their life, and not harboring vindictive feelings.

 

Thank you. Have you ever been in a situation where someone wanted to be vindictive towards you while you were taking the high road? Have you ever been in a situation like the O.P.?

[Tanzi]

You need to grow the **** up

 

That is absolutely uncalled for. Totally unnecessary. There isn't a lost soul out there who, when suffering from a broken heart, hasn't wished the same emotional pain on their ex. It is just another emotion to work through which the majority of us will NEVER act on and which the OP has never said she will act on.

 

When my ex-husband left me for another woman he continued to sleep with me. Stupid of me, I know, but my self-confidence and self-esteem were at an all time low. Knowing he still wanted me in that way, helped in some crazy, mixed-up way. Ohhhh how I wished, at the time, his mistress would find out. How I wished I had the guts to tell her ... and to cause her the pain that she had caused me. Does that make me vindictive? Not in the slightest, it just made me human. I NEVER acted on it and once I started moving forwards, I let go of this "emotion" as, no doubt, the OP will too.