9 months post divorce - still feel like [insert profanity of your choice here]

[Hijazi]

Greetings to all,

 

I had posted here about 8 months ago to get some advice post my separation from my wife.

 

Here's a quick summary of what happened, which I will follow up with the current situation:

 

We were together 6 years , married for 2. She was my first love and I was hers, I met her when she was 18, I was 22. Today I am 28. We were a very happy couple for about 5 years and everything went to hell when I lost my job in 2011 and couldn't find anything else but odd jobs for the following 1.5 years or so.

 

Gradually my wife started losing faith and respect for me until it got to the point where she simply decided to give up and walk out on me. I have to highlight that I have never given up on her and have always been there for her for the entire 6 years.

 

Throughout the separation (we are now officially divorced) we kept in touch regularly and met quite often. About once a week to "catch up". My intentions were clear, get her back at any cost. She would not have it, saying she lost all feelings for me and is still bitter about the relationship but she doesn't know about the future.

 

I tried everything in my power to get her back (got a new well paid job, hit the gym , be calmer and more mature, give her space, ignore her, pretend that I'm fine...etc) nothing worked. Then I started dating a girl (this is my third attempt to get a new girl) I know it's not healthy but it's a good distraction. The problem here is I cannot get emotionally attached to any other girl no matter how awesome they are!

 

The ex wife even asked me out on a date as soon as she found out I have a "girlfriend". It was a disaster date, in fact it didn't feel like a date! More like friendly chatter, no flirting whatsoever until I asked what she's up to. She replied she's not ready to get back with me..blablabla. So I get seriously pissed off, leading me on like that and playing with my emotions. I left devastated. Fast forward to today: She has a boyfriend (about a month) which she prides herself in saying she's walking all over him and calls it an "aspirin relationship" so basically using that guy to move on in her words.

 

The last thing that happened is I took her out for her birthday to dinner, over which I told her I still loved her deeply , think about her everyday and it is a huge shame to let it go to waste. I told her I would take it as slow as she wants to rediscover our love ect... She said she wasn't ready and can't offer me that.

 

This is where I took a bold step and told her I can't see her anymore (she bargained and asked me to reconsider, I said no.) So I wished her luck in her new relationship and hoped she would be happy as well as telling her that if she were to contact me again , it would only be to go on a date to see if we can work things out. Otherwise no more contact. I even admitted to her that it's probably the dumbest thing a man can do: telling your ex that the door is still open whenever she wished, but chose to no longer play games and be truthful. This was done 3 days ago, and I don't feel well at all and wonder if I've done the right thing. One thing I know for sure is that at the very least, I can rest with the knowledge that I tried everything I could think of and will have no regrets. She contacts me: great! She doesn't : I know I would have tried everything... Looking for good advice here as I don't know what to do anymore. Nothing helps me move on at all and I still miss her everyday, if I'm left alone the waterworks turn on easily... even after 9 months. Any advice or comments would be greatly appreciated.

 

Thank you all for reading.

 

PS : sorry for the crap writing skills. I don't feel very inspired today.

[Edmund Exley]

Its time to put this relationship behind you. You have to release all hope of a life with her. She is stringing you along and will continue to do so as long as "the door is open". You need that door to be closed for you. That's the only way you can move on.

 

Its sad but sometimes things simply don't work out the way we hoped. That's when we have to put it behind us and see what the next chapter brings.

[Jeffbobo]

Going no contact with her is best. It's mainly for you so that you can focus on yourself and not her. If she throws out her line, don't take the bait otherwise you will be perpetually in this situation for a long while wasting your time. She wants to feel wanted and its an awesome feeling to be wanted by multiple guys for her. Don't give into this crap and give her that satisfaction. Stay the course and keep working on yourself. Use what she has done to you as well as what she continually does as positive fuel for your fire but only initially, since you need to break your bond with her and get to a point where she doesn't matter anymore. Know that you have value, respect yourself especially as well as others and don't be a doormat. Free yourself of any hope of reconciliation with her. I'm 2 years post divorce and have been through a lot of this same crap.

 

I just recently posted here on the things that have worked for me to help move on:

 

 

The "relationship with X" thread is pretty awesome as well, definitely give it a read:

 

[Frederik]

.... We were a very happy couple for about 5 years and everything went to hell when I lost my job in 2011 and couldn't find anything else but odd jobs for the following 1.5 years or so. Gradually my wife started losing faith and respect for me until it got to the point where she simply decided to give up and walk out on me. I have to highlight that I have never given up on her and have always been there for her for the entire 6 years....

 

I believe when you married you said to each other:

 

I, GirlX, take you, Hijazi, to be my lawfully wedded(husband/wife), to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.

 

So much for the "for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer part" part, I guess.

 

I'm sorry Hijazi, but it sounds to me that your wife is still very immature (no surprise for her age and no surprise for today's generation), shallow and childish. When you needed her most, she gave up on you. Now what does this say about you two? And more importantly what does this say about her? If you ever see her again, ask her this.

 

But do me a favor... Don't start immediately dating someone else. It's not fair to that other person and by doing this you'll become the same like your ex-wife. The fact that she's openly bragging about how she is treating him is telling.

 

Like you said: You did everything in your power and left the door open. Nothing wrong with that. If she chooses to enter through them in the next year or so, fine, if not, then move on with your life.

[Hijazi]

Well it has been 9 months... so it doesn't really qualify as immediately. But still I get the point being raised here.

[ABetterLifeAwaits]

Hijazi, I've been through the same heartache. The advice you're getting is good. You cannot continue to be there for her. There must be consequences to her decisions. As hard as it is, move on. Maybe years from now after she continues to blow it in relationships, she will regret being so stupid & immature & look u up. If she does, she would have to beg & let you call the shots. The chances are that she'll never do that so move on dude.

 

Best of luck!!

[Hijazi]

After 2 weeks of full NC, she messaged me saying she is considering giving us another try but that she's confused and needed time to sort her emotions.

 

I said no worries and that she can take her time. Any thoughts?

 

I'm planning to...do nothing! and let her make all the moves.

[KUDSM]

Hijaz

 

Thanks for posting this and sorry to hear of your quarry. I've been separated from my ex since the new year and divorced at the end of May. She had it all planned out as there was someone else and first I knew of any trouble is was done and dusted and over.

 

In my view, you don't go back or give another chance. If you do I think it will set you back for when I believe this will inevitably end again. While you will have feelings inside, I bet you had come a long way in the last 9 months? Why out yourself back at step one?

 

She always knew what she wanted and it sounds to me as though she is not being fully honest with you through the situation. She was gettin the best of both worlds knowing you we're there in the background with your feelings while she started another relationship.

 

You need to protect yourself and only yourself for now. Don't let this pull you back into another abyss you have to start climbing out of. I suggest you cut all contact with her and just focus on your life.

 

I hope you will find the strength to make the correct decision. Good luck