I'm dying

[Brokenheart99]

I don't care anymore. I'm dying literally. I threw up blood the other day. the doc said i have an internal bleed. I'm sure there are worse things that happen in life. But I'm miserable. Not only did my ex cut me off entirely bc there is no hope for us, I guess in my post break up day 1(few weeks ago), I had no idea what was going on and usually after break ups he has told me to talk to his family bc he knows I have no one. So I did, and I asked them what happened and if he would talk to me and at least say bye. It's different in my culture, families get involved in break ups, I guess it's different in American culture. Apparently I just found out from a mutual friend that he flipped out and was mad that I got his family involved. Before everyone tells me I'm an idiot and deserved it, I didn't know I couldn't talk to his family since he has told me before to and it's different in my culture. Now, he's broken up with me and mad at me and I can't even apologize. I have had break ups before but this one is impossible for me. I can barely function, I feel like I'm going to have an asthma attack all the time. And I just wanna give it all up to be with him. Call me crazy or grief stricken or no dignity. I just can't get a grip. I have no one. I'm so alone in this. No family or friends to turn o in this. There is one therapist in this small town and I went to her and she is terrible. She just berated me forever telling me I need to go to church for my sins. It's fine if he wants to break up, I get that. And as much as I don't want to, I'll respect his choice. But omg I wish I could at least talk to him as a friend. He is the only friend I have had for 4 yrs that knows everything. Is that too much to ask of him. To at least just ask him, I won't ever ask for u back or won't ever get back together but I just need a friend. Ugh. This pain is indescribable with words.

[savignon]

Part of the pain is because you don't have your own support network. I'm dubious that a therapist would simply advise church and repenting....is that maybe what you interpreted her to mean? How long have you been living near him and what has made it hard for you to make your own friends/connections? Are you stil in touch with your family? Its hard to be someone's "everything" and often even unhealthy. While I know you feel that strong connection with him, its not wise for him to support you as a 'friend' when you have this history together.

*hugs*

[MajinGuu]

Ok listen you really need to go to the ER please, internal bleedings can be a lot of different things but you need to take care of your own health especially since being physically sick is going to make things even worse for you mentally. And I know you're already miserable.

 

And f your therapist, find another one! Do this!

 

Come on doll you can make it through this, keep us updated on your health and everything else. I want updates ok?

[Brokenheart99]

It's so complicated. There is only one therapist here, she is a counselor though. She told me "what you did wasn't right and you need to make it right in Gods eyes before you can begin healing." I'm not even Christian..

 

It's a tiny town where everyone knows each other and the rs was a secret and telling them is not an option, so I just go on pretending like nothing happened. I went to the doctor when I threw up blood, she thought maybe I was taking ibuprofen a lot or something. I'm a bulimic, for 2 years I have controlled it well, but the pressures get to me and kill me. And even that is a secret bc the doctor is a friend. I hate the situation I am in. There is so much more to it. Mainly stuff I am embarrassed to talk about. I know he has said he is dead set on ending the rs and that if he shuts me out entirely I will figure it out. And that's fine, if he wants to end it. I hate it and I'm sad all the time but the complications of us make my break up impossible. I understand why he is shutting me out bc he wants to break up for good otherwise we never will in his mind. And I swear I will, I just need him as a friend, at least till i stand up on my own. Wean me off or something. I accepted the break up before and he didn't cut me off and we stayed broken up for 6 months. It's literally killing me this way though. Maybe it's best for him, but it's killing me this way. I won't fight the break up, I just need a friend who knows. I can't get a grip. I have been through a lot of break ups and a lot of bad stuff in my life but this break up and the circumstances in this are killing me. How can he do this to me? Ugh. I can't even apologize and explain myself. Aside from being mad at me for talking to his family, we didn't have a bad break up. He cut me off harshly and fast but there was nothing too bad. Everyone is just exhausted of me. I hate my life.

[savignon]

I also recommend taking yourself to the hospital for the bleeding and also it sounds like you need some intervention/emotional support ASAP. I'm sorry for your pain. *hugs*

[Brokenheart99]

I function with hope. Deep down inside, I know it's over. But I have to have some tiny amount of stupid hope at reconciliation of whatever to get thru the day. When enuf time passes and I get to the point on my own after going through the motions and break up stages, I give up hope on my own. But all I get is its over, it's never gonna happen, blah blah, there is no hope. I fight it bc I am looking for a tiny shard of hope to keep me going. Like he kept me friends on fb, he hasn't given my stuff back yet or won't even respond to my texts to get my stuff back. Idk I'm sure it's all nothing but I need some hope. It's stupid, it's just how I function.

[agent1607307371]

Why didn't your Dr put you in an ambulance and arrange hospital admission right then and there? Have you gone to hospital?

[MajinGuu]

Trust me I know all about tiny towns, is it possible for you to find a therapist in a different place? Maybe in a town close to where you live? Because the one you have sounds like a complete mess and this is not going to help you.

 

I can't stop thinking that you should go to the hospital, and listen, you need to talk about bulimia and how you're under so much stress lately. Doctors are under the Hippocratic oath, what you tell them is between you and them ONLY so do not be worried please.

[pippy longstocking]

agree with the others about the bleeding .

 

you have said a lot that you just want him as a friend , so I am going to act the diplomat here darling , and believe me we all know this pain you are going through .

 

the simple fact of the matter is , when we get dumped it is because they no longer want to be with us and therefore are not obliged to help us wean ourselves off them ...it doesn't work anyway ..I'm afraid they owe us nothing ... and maybe if you could accept that part , and know that we all usually have this "cold turkey" to deal with , it might reduce your desperate feelings and anxiety to know that , as painful as it is ...this is what a breakup is ..we lose their family , their friendship , their friends , their circle ... its one hell of a loss . love to you , this will get better darling .

 

first and foremost ....you need help medically

[lavenderdove]

OK, first if you are throwing up blood, you need to go to a hospital or a gastroenterologist.

 

And if you don't like the therapist in your town, drive to the next town over, even if it takes you an hour or two to go.

 

I also think if the only reason you are in his town is for him, it is time to make plans to move back to where you have friends, family, the same culture, anything that makes you feel grounded rather than lost.

 

The truth is trying to hang onto someone who has cut you loose is far more painful than taking charge of your life and doing what it takes to heal. He is not your God, so you need to quit granting him that level of power over you. The world is full of caring and decent people and plenty of places for your to go and be and find a happy life. But you have to take that first step and first get yourself physically healthy. Perhaps if you are bulimic, you need to check into an eating disorders program, where they will treat your physical and emotional pain and help you get past this.

[Capricorn3]

I don't care anymore. I'm dying literally. I threw up blood the other day. the doc said i have an internal bleed..

So why aren't you in hospital?? I think any competent doctor would have had you immediately transferred to hospital.

[Brokenheart99]

I just can't see out of this. I went to the doctor, I have another appt with the gastro doc next week. I'm trying to get the medical help I need

 

I guess I can try another therapist in another town. Break ups are one thing, it's devastating to have no one after to support and give him your everything. I just want it back. No one understands. I have no life after him. I did everything to be with him and he walked away from it all. I feel like I'm never gonna get over this. Everyone tells me to heal and you will see brighter days later. But there are none. With my family situation, I can't. I have to have an arranged marriage, otherwise It will kill my family and I promised them and I will lose them otherwise if I bring another one they don't approve of. But, and this is probably my fault. Please don't yell at me, I feel bad as is. He didn't know either at the time. But he gave me an std. Technically when I marry I should be a virgin. So I can't tell my family I'm not bc my dad was put in the hospital when he thought I wasn't. So if he finds out, he will die. And I can't just lie to my arranged marriage husband and not tell him and just give it to him. And if I tell him before hand, they won't understand and spread rumors. I have talked to my ex about this and he felt bad when he first found out. I just don't know what life I have after this. When I say it's hopeless, I really mean it. I have thought of all the possibilities in my head. And he has just cut me off entirely. And when I ask him, he isn't talking to me. But he's not a bad, malicious person. So sometimes I wonder how he can walk away knowing this? Like does he really mean it? Like I just don't see him doing such an awful thing, but supposedly he is dead set on us being over and never plans on contacting me again. But every time we have broken up, he has always said its over for good. Though he has never cut me off before. So maybe it's true? But he's so fickle and always changes his mind so I wonder if in some time he will change his mind? And I lived in this town bc it was the only way I could be with him. So I'm not ready to let go, bc on the off chance some months later he wants to work it out, we will barely have a relationship if I have to move back home. I'm in this terrible predicament and I just don't see him being that awful of a person to leave me without options. We didn't have a bad break. He loved me and I loved him, he just said it was too hard, with religion and culture/family. I understand his concern, I just knew these lies would come to an end if he decided to pursue things and want to marry me. I feel so miserable without him. It's hard to walk away given my circumstances and how much I have to be with him and the love we shared. And idk, I just hate my other prospects and I'm miserable. I tried spending time with family, and I almost started crying in the store bc everything we did reminds me of him and our memories, from shopping to food to tv. I miss his company, I miss spending time with him. When he left, he took my life with him, literally.

[Brokenheart99]

I can't afford a hospital visit, my insurance isn't active yet so I refused. It was one throw up, which I know is bad, but I made an appt with a gastro next week. The doc said they will probably scope me. I stopped taking the ibuprofen(I have been getting terrible headaches) and so the bleeding stopped

[pippy longstocking]

you have , without any shadow of a doubt gotten yourself in a very emotional situation , just to clarify ...are you saying you are going ahead with the arranged marriage anyway ? whether you get back together or not ..you seem to be implying that , which leaves me wondering why you want to get back with him . Maybe I read it wrong .

[MajinGuu]

Brokenheart where are you? How are things going for you?

[Lilliene]

I dont know which part of thw world u live in but maybe my words will help you. All my life I ve had relationships where people hurt me. I was probably more miserable than you. I had to put up with a lot of . Now at this stage im currently going thru a breakup. But im calmed relaxed. Just tell yourself whatever will be will be and if he is too good for you so r u. No guy is worth it. Its his loss not yours. There r many nicer men out there u ll meet someone. Just relax and think of the guy who se around the corner. This one doesn't even deserve a thought let alone your tears.

[Brokenheart99]

You guys are so sweet, thanks for caring. It's so nice to know strangers care. I couldn't ask for a better support group. Ehugs to everyone.

 

Sorry I've been Mia, been hectic lately. I'll try and update:

I went to the stomach doctor Monday, he said he saw a tiny tear when he put a tube down my throat. He said maybe the vomiting and pills could have caused it. He said he put some medicine on there to stop the bleeding, but doesn't think it will bleed anymore. I haven't thrown up anymore or seen blood anywhere. So I'm hoping.

 

I found another therapist, I haven't seen her yet, my appt is in a couple weeks but I hope it will go well. It is time I take charge of my life. I guess what saddens me is, no guy I've Been with compares with him, so it's just sad bc I feel like any other guy I will be settling for or won't love as much. Idk, I know that's typical after a break up, but it's been 3 yrs..

 

I'm sorry I've been such a mess, it's been a very hard time for me. Sometimes I wonder if everyone truly deserves happiness, I feel like I might not be, like I'm not meant to have happiness. The last five yrs of my life have been hell. I'm still waiting for that silver lining. I just get older and older and my possibilities get slimmer. And it feels like I'll just be alone forever or with someone I don't love as much and feel trapped. Idk which one is worse yet.

 

My ex's family kept it contact with me, they have all been pretty nice and supportive. They don't know why he's not talking to me, they agree with me etc, think he's being an idiot and hope that he will come around, and thats hes been very miserable without me. My ex finally did text me yesterday, after two weeks of hard ignoring. I was Shocked. Basically he said he loved me and he is happy with me, he's sorry for ignoring me but it's the religion thing that is keeping us apart and needed some time to decide if he could damn himself eternally versus just being happy with me temporarily. I can't blame him for the concerns, I would be lying if I said they weren't mine at times. =\ idk what our future holds, or if we even have one, but it was nice to hear what was really going on.

 

Majinguu, ur amazing.

[Snow Bird]

I couldn't have said it better myself. Lavenderdove said it all perfectly in the print I bolded. Don't be a broken doll love.

[MajinGuu]

Aw no I'm not, but I was seriously worried about you!

 

I'm happy to know that you went to the doctor and you haven't bled again ever since, I'm also happy that you've found another therapist! I really hope this one will be better than the last one (at least you know this one can't be worse...), keep us updated on this.

 

You're very right that it is actually typical to think that we've lost the most amazing person in the entire universe and that no one will ever possibly compare, yep that is indeed a great cliché! You can't be blamed for thinking this though, a lot of us still think the same thing and it's hard to convince yourself that this is actually not the truth.

 

I hope this will help you and give you a new insight on things.

 

And don't apologize for feeling so bad, it's not like you purposely chose to feel this way. You do deserve happiness though, get rid of the idea that you don't.

I believe that things have been very hard on you but hey, this is not the end doll! And thinking your possibilities get slimmer the older you get is simply not true. Don't think this, your life is everything but over, on your journey you're going to experience a lot of new things, you're going to meet plenty of new people, you're going to feel happiness again... What goes around comes around.

 

You won't be alone forever, why the hell would that happen? I've seen quite a lot of people on this board talk about how convinced they were that their ex was The One, their One true love, and how heartbroken they were about losing them.

Yet one day they eventually met someone new that they never thought could exist, and loved them even more than they thought they could. These things are very real, it does happen. And I don't know about you but it does give me a lot of hope.

 

Like you said, we don't know what the future holds but we can still look up and take care of ourselves in order to make this future brighter for us.

[Brokenheart99]

i had actually read that link, thanks!!! and yeah it makes a ton of sense. what's sad is i actually felt sooo much of that. idk im just old haha, every guy i meet is like this big tool or ugly or boring or weird...its like all the good guys are just married by now or something, and im left with the fugly leftover weirdos. i know, most ppl think that, but its been 3 yrs...my family just wants to see me settled and moved on in life. i cant blame them, i do too.

 

idk the guy that im arranged too, he seems nice i guess. there's just no chemistry, no spark. i feel like its a chore talking to him and he's just so blah. idk, its like i finally got the chance i was hoping to with my ex. finally, after all this time. and now im doubting it myself. i dont mind any of our differences, i really dont, except the religion thing. its so hard to swallow. he texted me again yesterday, after i asked him if we could just have an open talk about religion and see what comes out of it. he said yeah, he was so sorry he has been ignoring me, he feels awful about doing so and said he might not be able to answer all my questions, but that he will try and we should have the talk. said he loves and misses me. idk, i guess i had finally, just barely started picking up the pieces of my life and mentally starting to move on a milimeter at a time and look, just like everyone says...when u finally start moving on..u will hear from ur ex. heh. idk for 3 yrs, ive wanted to be with him, and wanted this chance and now when i finally get it, im doubting it myself. bc at the end of it, interfaith marriages seem so hard. idk if i can damn myself like that. and even if i can, it seems like a nightmare to try and explain how i could turn my back on religion to all my friends/family at home. but its just i love being with him honestly. how i felt about him and his company, i have never felt about being with anyone else, we get along and get each other so well. its just all so hard. its such a hard decision. im just not sure what to do. it would just be so much simpler if we believed the same religions. idk, when u take something away from me and tell me its not possible, i want it so much more. but when i finally get it, i finally start questioning it. i can understand why he wants time to think about it. what's weird is, i know at some point in his life, he will question his religion and probably turn away from it(its just a gut feeling bc i know him so well and my gut feelings about him have always been right), but its just so scary to gamble on the fact that he might not. bleh, idk what to do. i wish moving on had an option of a u-turn just in case i changed my mind. =/