Ex won't talk to me at all

[Brokenheart99]

im so sad, i dont know how people do it. it seems unbearable. mainly because i have no one to talk to any family or friends to turn to. my ex and i are pretty different, religion and culture. we were together 3 yrs, long distance but frequent visits, but we were fantastically compatible. just our differences made it hard. anyways we broke up like 8 months ago, and got back together 3 months ago.

 

i really thought we turned a new leaf this time around, everything was going great. much better relationship. 4 days ago, we hit a bump and idk if religion got in the way or what, but we got in a minor spat that turned bad fast. he wanted to do something religiously that kinda meant the end of us for good and i got upset that he wouldn't sacrifice it(I know...stupid of me). so i said some mean things, then we both cried cuz it seemed like we were breaking up but didnt want to.

 

he said he just felt hopeless in the relationship bc all the odds were against us. that he loves me, wants to be with me, will be with me, but that everything seemed so heavy and hopeless with our differences in culture/religion and my family. i understand his concerns but i told him we could still try bc i would rather be with him. we left the convo shaky and he just said he would try feeling hopeful. the next morn, i had kinda told him about a guy i had dated a few times, that i was going to hang out with him(mainly because i was stupid and wanted to make him feel jealous about losing me and i was bored, i know..terrible idea).

 

i felt bad and texted him saying i wouldnt go on that lunch with teh guy because i love him and i will always choose him only. and then i said i love u, and he said i love u back. He said he felt torn. and an hr and a half later, he messaged me saying 'i cant do this, us..I can't.' and since then he has turned his phone off on me and gone completely no contact on me. wont respond to any texts/emails/calls, nothing.

 

i guess this is his way of saying its over for good and he just wants to move on. because maybe keeping contact will make him feel bad and come back to the relationship. But he has never once ignored me like this, never. Even when we have broken up he has always been a friend bc he knows how hard my life is.

 

we went thru more than most couples do in 3 yrs, and i have been there emotionally, financially and in every way possible for him. to end it like this without even saying goodbye or giving me a proper conversation, i mean really? could it really be that? im just in disbelief still because its SO unlike him and i just cant believe he would do this to his best friend, gf, and someone who has been there for him SO much when no one else has.

 

is there any hope? will he ever talk to me? i just dont know what to do at this point...other than just wait and try to do all the stupid post break up things that ppl tell u to do that dont really help anyway. im beyond lonely and sad at this point. its not even just the break up, but given all the bad stuff in my life going on, i dont know how much more i can take.

[Brokenheart99]

I don't mean to be needy or annoying, but I could really use some advice or someone. it feels impossible being this alone with no support or family to go to.

[mhowe]

There is nothing you can do. Clearly being in touch with you is too painful. So he.has cut.all contact and you should.respect his.position.

[Brokenheart99]

Idk if I can respect his position bc I feel like if he wanted to go nc he should at least say goodbye and tell me that like an adult. So I can't respect it but unfortunately you are right, there is nothing I can do so I have to just abide by it.

 

While I understand there is nothing I can do, I just wanna know what happened and if it sounds like there is any hope? It feels like a full 180 so I'm just floored.

[mhowe]

You played games with trying to make him jealous and it blew up in your face. BTW, if someone doesn't want to talk to you, they are not required to notify you that they don't want to talk to you...they just stop.

[ThatwasThen]

Even when we have broken up he has always been a friend bc he knows how hard my life is.

When a couple break up and then get back together and then break up again, that's natures way of telling you that you're NOT with your LIFEpartner so might as well bite the bullet, go through the pain of withdrawl of this person no longer being in your life and then eventually, getting to the stage of indifference to one another. The stage of indifference is quickest reached when there is ZERO contact never mind this LC or NC.

 

You know what you want and he knows what you want but nature has run its course and its time to accept that there isn't enough there to keep you together. Relationships of close proximity, of similar religious and cultural dynamics and two people with similar romantic goals are hard enough to keep happy and humming along nicely. You have none of those things going for you at this time and the longer you take to accept that you're better off without one another, the quicker you will find yourself not feeling so distraught.

 

he said he just felt hopeless in the relationship bc all the odds were against us.

Yes and add the distance to that and you have a very good reason why he's doing what he's doing. Silently thank him for being strong enough to maintain silence and thereby giving you the opportunity you need to take in order to heal from this.

 

You're young, you'll meet another guy eventually even though that's the furthest thing you want to even think about at this time, it is the truth. Please make sure that he's close by so that he can nuture the relationship and you're love for him on a consistant basis and that he has the same religious/cultural background as you and that he has the same romantic goals as you.

 

You'll be fine in time, if you're not feeling any better after conciously making an effort to improve your state of mind then don't hesitate to go and see your doctor and tell him whats going on. A mild anti-anxiety won't do you any harm for a short period of time.

 

Feel better soon.

[Brokenheart99]

I get what everyone is saying, I know it's hard, trust me I do, and that is why we only ever break up. But call me stupid all you want but I truly feel in my heart that we are right for each other and in time, the differences will work out, they just don't right now bc we haven't truly tried. Like we haven't lived close together or gotten married to try it. But I know that if both people are willing to work at something, anything can work. And please don't just say, well he's not willing to work at it so get over it. When I say that, I mean that, sure we are different but that doesn't mean we can't work. It will just be harder, I'm not saying that blindly or out of hurt. I have just seen it happen in my family/friends. I know it's possible. I guess I'm just sad that he can't see it that way, and I wish he could.

 

And mhowe, sure he is not required to, but it is just a decent thing to do for someone you love and has been there for you. It's all I meant.

 

I'm so grateful for sites like this. Thank you

[ThatwasThen]

Uhm you don't get married to try and see if you can make it. Goodness, your grief is causing you to stop thinking rationally or logically.

 

Keep lying to yourself about how you should still be together if that's what you need to do at this point but just know that as long as you keep doing that, then it will take you that much longer to heal and be able to function normally again, to get to the blissful stage of indifference to him.

 

He knows you'll keep trying even if he says goodbye outright and gives you this closure you think you need from him (rightful closure will come from YOU... you'll see that in time) so that is likely why he isn't contacting you.

[Brokenheart99]

I guess what I don't get is I understand you all are trying to help and giving me ur honest opinion. I'm not saying we need to get married to see if we can work. I'm saying we break up bc the distance breaks us up and how since we aren't progressing we are regressing. We know we get along and work thru relationship problems perfectly. His family loves me, I love them, everyone acknowledges we are great. So bc distance and differences force us apart and keep us away, marriage will close the distance. In person we never have problems. Please don't prejudge me that I am just in grief, I am educated, smart and relatively logical and this isn't my first rs.

 

But also, it seems unfair that my relationship has been doomed a failure already just bc we are culturally and religiously different. Certainly it makes it tougher but it's doable. It's like any answer I get, is just get over him bc u guys are too different to work. If I were to have reposted this saying, we were religiously and culturally same and lived close, I feel like maybe the answers would have been different such as "give him time, and see if he comes around etc" but it's unfair to just tell me to get over it just bc we are different. This is 2013, everyone is different. I don't mean to be rude, I'm just trying to explain my pov. I really do appreciate all of the feedback.

[Brokenheart99]

I'm sorry for any rudeness, I think my relationship has just been attacked so often bc we are different that perhaps I am sensitive about it some. I don't mean to be rude or fighty, I really do value your advice

[aw4919]

I understand feeling like its meant to be, and how hard it is to have someone who meant so much act like you never existed. I'm going through this as well. And I dont know yet how to accept a future without him. So I've been trying to just accept each moment, and not dwell on the past OR the future. And then each day, as I feel stronger, I try to accept a little more. It doesn't mean that things can't change, it just means that I am not in control of the changes that I wish for, and if I try to force things it will only make me hurt more.

 

I hope this helps, I know how incredible the pain is when you feel like you were never given a real chance.

[Brokenheart99]

It does, thank you that's what this is, I guess ur right. I just felt it was meant to be and that we could be. I just felt robbed of the chance. It sucks, as many times as I have truly tried to get over him, we never have been able to. We just keep falling back together. But Ty for the words. Each moment will eventually add up, right? I'm so incredibly hurt, idk how to function. I gave up everything to be with him, I feel like I lost everything.

[ThatwasThen]

It doesn't matter what I think or what you think about what I think. The bottom line is that he does not want to take this any further and no matter how unfair you believe it is, if he doesn't want to make it so that the distance is no longer an issue, if he has thrown in the towel so to speak, then that is what is. The facts are that you are in a distance relationship and he does not want to continue it. That is the reality.

 

Understandably, You're not open to accepting that yet so I'm not going to try and convince you anymore.

 

I gave up everything to be with him, I feel like I lost everything.

What did you give up?

[Brokenheart99]

I know reality, he's done. I guess maybe because we've been "done" before and we have fallen back together, maybe that's why I'm having a difficult time accepting whether this will be true. Bc in my heart, I believe we are meant to be. He will just realize that on his own time. Call me stupid, but I think good things are worth the wait and fight. I'm not trying to convince you of that, but just explaining how I see it. But I think bc after him my option will be an arranged marriage, I'm worried that I will regret losing him if I accept the marriage and in a little while he comes around to realizing I am what he wants to fight for. I realize u will say, if it was meant to be, u will be. And why would u wanna wait around for someone like that. Idk. I just love him. Those are my concerns and why I hold on as hard as I do. Maybe it's denial, but those are my valid reasons. It's like what was said above...he is someone I thought I was meant to be with, the love of my life, and no matter how many times I have tried I have never stopped missing or loving him. I'm just sad all the time.

 

I gave up a lot, on my own volition. I'm not bitter doing it, I did it bc I love him and sacrifice is required to make things work. I know it goes both ways. But if I feel like if I go into all of it, I will be be attacked for how silly I was etc. mainly my fam's happiness, they never approved of the rs bc of the culture/religion. They would be sad if I married him. Some other things that are too detailed to mention. When u build a life around someone, and it doesn't work out, it's like not only did the relationship leave, but so did your life. It sucks to restart, but I'm sure it's possible, I'm not too irrational to say otherwise. In my case, my options are greatly limited but I guess there is still a sliver of hope.

[gotexans12]

I know how you feel. A person that once was your everything now just treat you like a stranger. Its a terrible feeling.

[JJ2980]

You seem determined to hold on to the belief that it'll happen for you and him but as soon as you mentioned in your first post that you wanted him to choose you over something religious he wanted to do I thought to myself uh-oh. I'm not sure if you come from a religious background yourself but depending on how serious your bf is about his faith it can be a deal breaker especially if he is doing something that he thinks will please his God. You basically made him choose between you and that. He may love you but the religious obstacle might be too much to overcome. I'm not even really worried about the cultural aspect - my family is so mixed we could be a mini UN - but religion is different.

[Brokenheart99]

I know, you are right, I made him choose, backed him into a corner and he chose religion. Understandably so. I do come from a religious background so I understand his hesitation and backing out. But I realized my mistake, I let my short sighted anger get the best of me at the time. I'm a girl, we are allowed to be crazy irrational sometimes And before when he's brought this religious issue up, I've never made him choose, I think I was just already upset bc we had started arguing already. But I know it was wrong and in my ignored texts to him, I've told him sorry I shouldn't have made him choose and that I won't. I guess that's why I think that this break up is shocking and premature and I'm wondering and hoping some he will get over his stubborn disposition in a little while with some time. You know how stubborn guys can be but I must be fooling myself according to everyone here =\

[itsallgrand]

He sounds tired.

 

It all sounds like a lot of work. All relationships take work. But sometimes the work is all it becomes anymore. He might be there.

[Brokenheart99]

i dont know, i guess the hardest thing is the wait, as dumb as it sounds, i feel like we are meant to be together. and so while at the moment, he may feel like we are broken up for good, he may change his mind later and i would regret it my whole life if i just had to marry someone else i didnt like as much because i didnt want to wait for him. i dont just get to wait around for him and date and take the time i need to fully heal. idk, so its like do i trust my gut and hope that he will eventually come around or cut it off entirely and marry someone i know i wont love as much. i wish i knew. i can understand when he says, i feel so torn.

[mhowe]

You keep saying YOU feel like you were meant to be together. But your religions ARE different, and you asked him to choose between something he believed in and you. Then you tried playing the "make him jealous game". Then you apologized for both.

 

In addition, you have broken up several times in the past.

 

Clearly, HE no longer thinks you are meant to be together.

[Brokenheart99]

Idk how ppl do this. I wake up every morning feeling like death. I literally feel dead, the morning is so hard. And every morning, I am weak and call or text him, to which he never replies to anyway. I wonder if he's moved on or if he's still sad. I guess it's hard to get over bc it's unknown. We have broken up before and he was certain then that we were over but we just come back together, bc he's stubborn and it takes time to miss me. It's hard never knowing. Moving on for me, means to move onto an arranged marriage. And if I could know for certain, I guess I would have to do that. But to do that and then 5-6 months from now have him miss me and realize we can work, I'll regret it all my life. It's like there are some loves I feel you just never get over.

[mhowe]

Well, calling and texting.everyday is not.going to make him miss you. And I would assume he.knows that your.religious and cultural differences are known to him...and that you will have an arranged marriage.

 

I think this is the final break up.

[MajinGuu]

Idk how ppl do this.

We just try to survive and bear with the pain.

 

You really really need to stop texting him though, you're making a mistake here. He never replies and he will not miss you if you keep doing this. Stop it completely, make him miss you! Every time you feel weak again come here and post about it, post what you wanted to text him, use this thread to vent!

[Brokenheart99]

Thing is the last time we broke up, it was for 6 months and that was "final" too, knowing that there will be an arranged marriage and everything. He told me 100 times we were never getting back together, and that moving on is my best choice. when he breaks up with me, he truly believes that, that we are done for good and he will never come back. But we still came back together. I guess that's why I'm not sure. Also he has a lot of my stuff, how am I gonna get it back?

 

If u tell me to stop calling/texting him, bc he won't miss me. What's the point of getting him to miss me if this is the final break up and I will never be with him anymore as u say. And if I vented here every time I felt bad and wanted to talk to him, it would be all the time there is only so much ppl can listen and so much leniency and compassion ppl have. After a little bit, ppl lose their patience and expect u to move on. Talking to u guys, makes me feel better for like an hr and then I start feeling despairingly sad again. Ive never been able to get over him, ESP knowing what my future holds.

[iam42]

i am so sorry to hear about your pain! everyone on this site has been brought here because of heartbreak -- you are in good company. you will get compassion, useful advice, encouragement, and even tough love. all of it is designed to help you move and and heal from this failed relationship. you can post as often as you'd like, and people will respond. so no worries there. post as often as you need!

 

the thing is that you cannot change the outcome of this breakup because you want to, sadly. at a certain point you must have sufficient self-love and sufficient regard for your ex to let go and accept that, for now at least, he wants to move his life in a different direction. if you love him, as you say, you must let him -- even though the emotional cost to you is devastating pain. people get to choose, and we must let them...

 

the thing that i have noticed in many of your posts is your anxiety about an arranged marriage. are you clinging to your ex in order to avoid this? is there a way for you to get out of an arranged marriage without your ex in the picture?