Is this controlling behavior?

[JSHRN]

After a 4 month relationship, my ex broke up with me a month ago and decided to go back to her husband. She's been saying she's "desperate" to maintain a friendship with me (which is going to be next to impossible for me because I'm so bitter). I've tried to block her number so she can't text me but unfortunately the phone company can't figure out why she's still able to text me. Apparently she's been working on her marriage and trying to fix herself, but she recently sent me a text to basically bash me. She has a problem with alcohol - not an alcoholic - but whenever she drank (2-3 beers) it would immediately go to her head and she would begin talking about ex-boyfriends. I would respectfully ask her not to but she still would - incessantly - almost as if she wasn't hearing me. Eventually, I told her that she couldn't handle alcohol, that it was a detriment to our relationship, and respectfully asked her not to drink. Whenever she went out with her friends she would ultimately get herself into a predicament with another guy that she sometimes had difficulty getting out of (she was a big flirt). After the fact she always said she was disappointed and disgusted with her behaviors, but then would do it again the next time she went out with her friends. I told her if our relationship was going to continue she needed to make better decisions and not the poor choices that she had been making. With that, she stopped going out. (I never said she couldn't go out).

 

A lot of her clothes she wore were revealing (tight jeans without underwear); tight fitting, low cut tops. She has an incredible body and obviously likes to show it off, but sometimes I thought her manner of dress was inappropriate. She once went to a strip club with her girlfriend and wore a tight min-skirt and form fitting halter top, then couldn't figure out while all the guys were acting like pigs and hitting on her. I said it was because of the way she dressed. Since we broke up, she's been saying that she didn't wear a lot of her clothes when she was around me because I "wouldn't approve".

 

She has said that I was "controlling" and the "dominant one" in the bedroom and she always felt submissive to me. She now says I "always had to be in control". In fact, we were both aggressive in our activities and took turns being the dominant one. She said she never felt comfortable being naked in front of me because I "made her feel insecure about her body". But she still managed to be naked with me.

 

She began to agree that she did have a problem with alcohol and wondered where she could seek treatment. I got her involved in AA meetings. Now she says I even had to have control of that!

 

She has said I was "controlling" and felt like she couldn't do anything without my advice or approval. She said since I "complained" about her drinking - she stopped. She said I "complained" about her going out - so she stopped. She said I "complained" about the way she dressed - so she wore "more conservative clothes" around me that I "would approve of.

 

I always thought I was being helpful. I never forced anything on her. She ultimately made her own decisions but she says "always felt pressured to please me". I never tried or wanted to control her - I simply wanted her to make better choices (that she herself was disgusted about her behaviors).

 

Does any of this sound like I was controlling?

[Edmund Exley]

Its not controlling, however you expected her to live by your choices (no alcohol, revelaing clothing etc) and after a while it wasn't working for her. People only stop addictions when they want it for them, not for someone else.

[Cognitive_Canine]

You knew that she drank, was a big flirt, and dressed revealing before you started dating her, right?

[Edmund Exley]

I think we explained to you in your previous thread that this is not a stable person you were with. Seems like you attempted the Knight in Shining Armor role, it didn't work.

 

Put her behind you for good.

[DN]

There is a difference between 'controlling' and 'setting boundaries'.

 

People are free to do, wear, drink, eat and otherwise behave, as they wish, within the law, but that doesn't mean that other people have to approve or accept it, whether that be employees, friends or, as in your case, partners. If you try to force changes by, for example, withholding money, or affection, or sex, or by throwing hissy-fits, sulking and so on, that is controlling.

 

But there is nothing wrong with setting a boundary and saying ' if you cross that boundary, that is entirely your choice and you are free to do that, but it will mean the end of our relationship because I have the right not to be with someone who does that" (what ever 'that' is)

[JSHRN]

You knew that she drank, was a big flirt, and dressed revealing before you started dating her, right?

 

No. I knew that she drank. But when I met her, and when we first began dating she was quiet and demure. I didn't know she was a flirt until the first few times she went out with her friends and she "made a poor choice". She would always tell me after the fact the fact that she was disgusted by her behaviors but was working on herself. Unfortunately, I always gave her the benefit of the doubt. When the "poor choice behaviors continued I took issue with it and basically said it had to stop.

 

I didn't know she dressed revealing until she told me that she didn't dress the same around me as she did when she went out. Well, that spoke volumes to me. I didn't have a problem with how she dressed just where she went out when she was dressed like this (strip clubs) - and she would "complain" about how "men were pigs". There were times when I said she was "asking for it". She took offense to that comment and said "why can't a woman look nice and why can't men behave themselves"? When she would go out she would always text or call me and asked if I was ok with it. After a while all I would say is "can you behave"? She would say "I want to, but alcohol makes me do things I wouldn't normally do". Eventually her behaviors settled down and she began making better choices. But by that time I was hurt and my walls were up. I didn't know why she continued these behaviors if she was "disgusted" with herself. And I never thought I was controlling.

 

It's been 34 days since she broke up with me and I find this is getting harder and harder to deal with, not easier. My anxiety and depression are worsening and I don't feel the meds I'm on now because of this are helping. I don't have any friends outside of work. I don't go out except to eat. I've isolated myself because I don't want to be around people. I've lost interest in so much lately and I'm scared where my life is going. I've thought of hurting myself. I just want the pain to be over. I feel so lost and alone. When does the pain end? This woman destroyed me. The old me is gone.

[Tetsuo_Shima]

Okay I stopped reading after this part "my ex broke up with me a month ago and decided to go back to her husband." yeah that should have been a huge red flag. She's not stable and apparently already taken. Drop this one and move on. There's better fish in the sea.

[JSHRN]

 

If you try to force changes by, for example, withholding money, or affection, or sex, or by throwing hissy-fits, sulking and so on, that is controlling.

 

I didn't force anything on her. But I did make it known that I wasn't pleased with some of her choices (especially when it was reinforced by the fact her behaviors "disgusted" her). Does my displeasure make it controlling her? I was merely trying to help her make better choices in her life.

[DN]

I didn't force anything on her. But I did make it known that I wasn't pleased with some of her choices (especially when it was reinforced by the fact her behaviors "disgusted" her). Does my displeasure make it controlling her? I was merely trying to help her make better choices in her life.

It's not for you to make 'better' choices for her. She's an adult and gets to make her own. You are responsible for your choices, including whether you want to be with her if she makes the choices of which you disapprove.

[JSHRN]

Okay I stopped reading after this part "my ex broke up with me a month ago and decided to go back to her husband." yeah that should have been a huge red flag. She's not stable and apparently already taken.

 

She was separated when we began dating. Shortly after, she said she was never going back to her husband. She repeatedly told me that over the course of the relationship because she was getting divorced and wanted to be with me. I honestly thought this was a mutual relationship, but based on all the comments I've received she does seem to be unstable. Even so, I miss her like her crazy.

[JSHRN]

It's not for you to make 'better' choices for her.

 

Perhaps my statement was taken out of context. After she made several poor choices and was disgusted by her behaviors she realized she needed to get a better handle on this aspect of her life and asked me if I would help it her it because she felt "helpless to stop". Did I misinterpret this as a cry for help or should I have realized these behaviors were her way of getting attention outside of our relationship?

[DN]

Perhaps my statement was taken out of context. After she made several poor choices and was disgusted by her behaviors she realized she needed to get a better handle on this aspect of her life and asked me if I would help it her it because she felt "helpless to stop". Did I misinterpret this as a cry for help or should I have realized these behaviors were her way of getting attention outside of our relationship?

The best way would have been to suggest professionsal help - you cannot successfully be a partner and a mental health or life counselor.

[agent1607307371]

Honestly, if she won't stop contacting you, change your number.

 

From what you've posted here, it does sound like you were controlling, but it also sounds like she had problems of her own anyway.

[bulletproof]

There were times when I said she was "asking for it".

 

 

After a while all I would say is "can you behave"?

 

These two statements are slightly alarming and do point to your behavior as more controlling than not. Asking if she can "behave" sounds more like something a parent would say to a child, not an adult to a girlfriend.

[JSHRN]

Asking if she can "behave" sounds more like something a parent would say to a child, not an adult to a girlfriend.

 

The reason I said this is because whenever she went out she always got involved in a situation with a guy (giving her phone number, getting a back rub in a strip club, guys buying her drinks) - which I don't consider behaving. I though I was justified in asking her if she could behave.

[Edmund Exley]

The reason I said this is because whenever she went out she always got involved in a situation with a guy (giving her phone number, getting a back rub in a strip club, guys buying her drinks) - which I don't consider behaving. I though I was justified in asking her if she could behave.

 

Theses should have been the times when you ended the relationship. You are putting blame on her, but you made some bad choices here too.

[bulletproof]

The reason I said this is because whenever she went out she always got involved in a situation with a guy (giving her phone number, getting a back rub in a strip club, guys buying her drinks) - which I don't consider behaving. I though I was justified in asking her if she could behave.

 

First of all, she shouldn't have been telling you those things. It's childish and immature that she can't go out and tell people "no." And again, you might have just wanted to ask her why she was continuously getting into these situations if they bothered her so much, and also tell her that you no longer want to hear her complaining about it if she doesn't plan to change it. But asking if she "could behave" just sounds parental to me.

[allcity]

Throughout all the relationships (both bad and good) that I've witnessed, I've always found that...

 

When a man tells his girlfriend that he doesn't like it when she all of sudden starts wearing revealing clothing, getting drunk, dancing with other guys etc, he gets called insecure and controlling and she gets sympathy for being with a guy that's treating her unreasonably and limiting her freedom.

 

But when a woman tells her boyfriend that she doesn't like it when he all of sudden starts working out, flaunting his physique, getting drunk, dancing with other women etc, he again gets called insecure, she again gets sympathy and she also gets credit for trying to help him to grow up and be a better man.

 

Go figure!

[bulletproof]

Throughout all the relationships (both bad and good) that I've witnessed, I've always found that...

 

When a man tells his girlfriend that he doesn't like it when she all of sudden starts wearing revealing clothing, getting drunk, dancing with other guys etc, he gets called insecure and controlling and she gets sympathy for being with a guy that's treating her unreasonably and limiting her freedom.

 

But when a woman tells her boyfriend that she doesn't like it when he all of sudden starts working out, flaunting his physique, getting drunk, dancing with other women etc, he again gets called insecure, she again gets sympathy and she also gets credit for trying to help him to grow up and be a better man.

 

Go figure!

That hasn't been my experience. I think anyone who tries to control others' behavior is fighting a losing battle, male or female.

[allcity]

I think anyone who tries to control others' behavior is fighting a losing battle, male or female.

 

True. But it all depends on what each person considers to be 'controlling' behaviour.

 

Lets say a woman tells her man that she wishes he didn't get drunk every weekend as it's bad for his health and he's a jerk when he's drunk.

 

The man could easily see it as her being a nag and controlling. Or he could see it as her expressing things that she's unhappy about in the relationship, in order for the couple to work though them together to keep their relationship healthy, even-balanced, functional and happy.

 

When you're in a relationship, you're part of a team. And as such, you need to work together to resolve issues that come up if you want that team to stay together. Telling your partner that they're being controlling every time they express their feelings about things you do that they feel are making them unhappy is a pretty selfish and immature thing to do.

 

Whether a person agrees with what their partner says or not, simply telling them that they're being controlling, rather than taking a long hard look at themselves and deciding if their partner may have a point, is a sure fire way to destroy a relationship. Relationships require compromise and a lot of people don't seem to realise that sometimes it's smart to give up certain things today, in order to enjoy even bigger and better things tomorrow.

 

I think it's a big part of why so many relationships and marriages fail, as people expect to be able to have everything they want, without compromise, and they'd rather blame the other person first and break up, instead of realising that both people in a relationship are just as responsible as each other whenever ANY problem comes up.