aseeker Posted May 22, 2013 Share Posted May 22, 2013 My ex-boyfriend broke up with me over a month ago, but apparently he hadn't been in love with me/felt the same way for over four months. I grieved for about three weeks straight, worst time of my life, couldn't find any meaning to it anymore. I just knew I wanted him back. But after he talked to me on facebook and basically shot my self-esteem to the ground by being mean and resentful, I decided I couldn't take it anymore and stopped talking to him (we had decided we should be friends). It was hurting too much to having him around and pretending everything was ok. I met a guy a few weeks after my ex broke up with me, and apparently he had been pursuing me for a while now, he just didn't know how to approach me. We connected immediately and I realized pretty soon he liked me but was unsure what to do, so I just ignored it. I loved being friends with him and we were fine like that. When he finally came clean about his feelings, I was already feeling something for him as well. So we started dating but I asked him for us to keep a low profile due to the recent break-up. I explained the situation and he was very understanding. We get along really well, and I do like him a lot. It's not love yet, of course, but I do feel our relationship has potential, not like the one with my ex. This guy actually wants to do something with his life and has goals, and I feel we're on the same page about life in general. At least he's not a momma's boy who spends every waking hour playing video games instead of finding a job. My new boyfriend is in college, like me, and is already working and making a living for himself, etc. But I can't help feeling guilty about "moving on" so fast. I know he's probably a rebound but I don't think that's the problem anymore. I just can't help feeling bad about my ex finding out I'm dating and what he will think of me. Or what our friends will think. Even if he was the one who dumped me, it feels wrong to have moved on so quickly. I don't feel like I love him, but I do care about him and how he'll feel. I don't want him to get hurt, and in a way I even wish he'd be seeing other girls already just so I was sure he doesn't care anymore, and maybe to be able to hate him Everyone says he loves me still and acted like an ****hole to make me forget about him and make things easier for us. But why would he do that? Plus, we would never work out, we're too different and have too many obstacles in our way, obstacles he wasn't willing to overcame anymore. So why do I care? Why is it so hard for me to just admit I'm in love again with a wonderful guy who likes me back? Should I feel guilty? Should I feel like I'm doing something wrong? I don't want my ex to think our relationship didn't mean anything to me, because that's not true. But I do feel I am leaning into a new relationship to fill the emptiness in me. However, I also think it's helping me forget my ex and just be happy. I don't want to jeopardize this good thing because I'm having insecurities, even if being alone seems like the logical choice. So maybe it's a rebound, maybe it's not. But I feel so uncomfortable coming public with this new relationship... It's like I'm cheating on my ex How can I start thinking differently? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
potd2009 Posted May 22, 2013 Share Posted May 22, 2013 I don't think I'm about to say anything that you don't already know, but: your ex dumped you. From that moment forward, he had no claim on your thoughts, emotions, or time. You could have met someone the following hour and you would not have been doing anything wrong. You need to keep reminding yourself both of this and of the fact that you are entitled to happiness. You met someone better for you, who is a higher achiever than your ex, and whom you're starting to like. Don't sabotage the new situation by worrying about the feelings of someone who did not want to be with you and fell out of love with you many months ago. It does sound like you're not quite sure how to define what you feel for your new boyfriend. At one point you say that it's not love yet, and at another point you say you need to admit you've fallen in love again. You also seem very uncertain whether you are rebounding or not. But I do think that time will help you figure these things out. Meanwhile, enjoy the new relationship and see where it leads. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Imtheretoo Posted May 22, 2013 Share Posted May 22, 2013 First of all, I'm quite a bit like you. Despite being out of a relationship recently, I too, feel guilt in pursuing anyone. I know it shouldn't be our problem and in most cases the other person is doing the exact same thing. The only thing with rebounds is that it usually complicates matters if you're not over a previous relationship. But like potd said, your happiness is important, and you simply have to decide if you're able to devote the attention and affection this other man deserves. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aseeker Posted May 24, 2013 Author Share Posted May 24, 2013 Being out of a bad relationship so recently has enabled me to really work in this new one. I've been able to recognize and correct many mistakes I used to make in the old one, really make an effort with this guy, contribute in the give-and-take, letting him know of my feelings and thoughts, respect him, trust him. I try my best and I think I'm doing well because I've already noticed a tremendous difference in my communication ability as well as my partner's maturity and mine. I think we could really work out if we keep this up. We just need some more time Today something happened, which made me cut ties with my ex for good. I no longer feel sympathy for him and probably will feel more and more confident in coming out with this new relationship to everyone. It's still tough, but at least I have a reason not to care now. I don't know anything about him or what he's been up to, purposely so because I'm not a masochist, so it's hard to find faults in him. It's like he's still on his pedestal. I just need to knock him down... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aseeker Posted May 24, 2013 Author Share Posted May 24, 2013 First of all, I'm quite a bit like you. Despite being out of a relationship recently, I too, feel guilt in pursuing anyone. I know it shouldn't be our problem and in most cases the other person is doing the exact same thing. The only thing with rebounds is that it usually complicates matters if you're not over a previous relationship. But like potd said, your happiness is important, and you simply have to decide if you're able to devote the attention and affection this other man deserves. I suppose I am over my ex. Feelings-wise, I never felt truly connected with and I did settle a little. I loved being with him, we were good friends, but there were never enormous sparks between us... I guess I'm just not over the fact that he could have hurt me so much and hate me so much too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
princeslondon Posted May 24, 2013 Share Posted May 24, 2013 Aseeker, if I were you....I'd step away from the new relationship as you are not over your ex or the ex 'relationship'. Its so natural to want to 'right the wrongs' of a past relationship and prove to everyone and mostly yourself...that you have what it takes to make things work.....but you havent had nearly enough time to heal. I'm speaking from experience, me and my ex were both recently out of marriages (like one month) when we got together......things were great for 6 months....we were on a roll on our best behaviour...but it actually ended up being a disaster....the worst relationship I've ever been in because we realised that we just latched onto eachother when we were vulnerable and had never got together in the 'right' way. When you meet someone and fall in love...you shout it from the rooftops....you don't care who hears!!...me and my ex kept things secret for months before we told anyone....always hiding things or playing things down to this person or that person.....it was awful. Be careful x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aseeker Posted May 25, 2013 Author Share Posted May 25, 2013 Maybe I should but I'm in too deep now... I decided to not hide anymore, I'm not doing anything wrong and I might as well enjoy it while it lasts. I want it to last for a long time of course, but I have to be realistic and see the big picture like you presented it. I know I should give it time to heal, but I also realize my previous relationship was not your standard relationship. It was anything but that, really. I just want my ex away from me and I want to forget he even exists. I want to forget what we had because it was so toxic. I can only pretend. I didn't want to resort to that, I wanted us to be on good terms with each other but he didn't let me. He pushed me away so much, I started complying. I started wanting to be away. So I don't think that's love at all. I don't trust him or want him in my life. Yes, the hurt is here and I might need to be alone to heal. But I can't hurt this guy or ask him to put up with yet another whim of mine and give it a time out He's already doing so much for me, and I feel this is a really good thing. We can't really "hide" it very well. When we're together we basically stop caring who's watching. Anyone who's even the slightest bit observant will notice it, it's happened many times. I guess we're not really worried, but we are cautious because it's so "recent". We're doing things slowly, is all. He's well resolved with his past relationships, I guess I'm the one who's still a bit shaky. But I appreciate your advice and I will try my best to watch out for the signs! Thank you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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