Something to keep me motivated

[zentoCC]

I've got a few spare moments moments at lunch today.

I've started my new job. I think I'm doing ok. I need to get my head round that I'm stepping up it is hard and I'm going to find it hard at times and that's ok. My new boss is really nice. I think he'll be fair and supportive. I'm happy, the days are going really quickly.

 

I'm going to visit my friend this weekend. I'm not ready at all. I've decided to drive as its half the price and quicker. I'm a little nervous about driving that far I. The dark and getting lost. But I think it will be good for my driving confidence.

 

Something I always do and I know I shouldn't is, I think, I've developed a crush on my housemate, the one I kissed. I'll call him A. I ended up going out with him last night and staying up late so now I'm tired and haven't packed for the weekend.

I'm further procrastinating by picking my housemate up from the airport tonight. Basically I'm an idiot.

I've taken Monday off though so the plan is to get stuff done and relax that day. Also I think since I'm busy and using a bit of self control, I can avoid A for a few days and get some perspective. At the moment I really just want to sleep with him and I'm struggling to get it out my head.

[zentoCC]

My Nan's back in hospital. My uncle didn't tell us we found out because my Mum decided to go round because he wouldn't answer the phone.

I've noticed some people when there upset like to get angry and rant. I do this sometimes but my normal reaction is to retreat and be sad and people arguing makes me want to do that more.

[Silverbirch]

So much happening in your life right now CC! Congrats about your Job and glad to hear it is going well for you.

 

Well, I hope however you decide to take your relationship with your housemate that you have a lot of fun.

 

Sorry to hear about your Nan. Hope she gets well soon.

[zentoCC]

I doubt anything will happen, I'm just going to enjoy having a crush and try not to act too weird.

 

I had a weird dream last night where I got back with T. I felt like I'd been tricked into it. I was really worried about what my parents would think ( they don't like T). My housemate J is trying to get me to date my housemate D, who I have no interest in at all. It can be a bit annoying at times but everyone says he likes me. I went out with T since he liked me and it turned out bad I would like to find someone who I like. Besides D wants none of the same things from life as me, in some cases what I want makes him made e.g wanting kids. That alone means I'll never go out with him.

 

Feel better after that.

[Silverbirch]

Well sounds like you will have plenty to choose from so I don't think you should bother with him either.

[zentoCC]

Plenty to choose from where did you get that impression from?

[Silverbirch]

Well I got the impression that at least 2 of your housemates interested, and if they are, there are bound to be others!

[zentoCC]

A isn't interested we were both just drunk.

[zentoCC]

I wrote this on Saturday night, I had no internet so I saved it onto my iPod.

 

I just watched Anna Karina. It made me think of T because in some ways he's quite like her husband. I felt guilty for a second but then remembered other traits and quickly got past it. It made me think about love and relationships. In someways I do think that marrying for love is silly but in this day and age it's probably the only way to do it. Kids have always been more important to me than a husband but really you need on to have the other. I really do wish life was more simple. We have so much choice and yet it's hard to get anywhere with it.

Out here, it all makes you feel a bit lonely. Relaxing though, if only I didn't care about that other stuff. I could concentrate on me and actually get things done.

[zentoCC]

Friday night I got really drunk, kissed A and threw up everywhere. He was mumbling about house dynamics so I sent him a message the next night (I couldn't get him alone) and he didn't reply. It's getting a bit awkward between us but he's going to Mexico next week for a fortnight so we get a break. I think I'm just gonna avoid him for a while, it's easy enough to do.

In other news my housemates have chinchillas! They're so cute and fluffy!

 

My new jobs going well, I'm starting to settle in a bit and get more work which makes me happier. I'm not sure it's the right kind of job for me. It's very bitty and it's hard to remember everything I have to write it all down because I don't have a great memory. It's great pay and closer to the job I do want so I'm going to stick with it for at least six months.

I'm still finding it hard to balance everything but I think I'm getting a bit better, bit at a time.

[Silverbirch]

Hi CC. Sounds like overall, you are doing really well!

[zentoCC]

Pfft, I'm acting like a stupid 23 year old. But at least I'm doing it while I'm young and not hurting anyone.

[zentoCC]

Had a good week this week. Wasn't sure at first as one to f the first things I did on Monday was fall in dog muck. It was on my way to work so I had to go and get changed.

 

It got better though, I had fun out on Wednesday and Thursday. We had a pub style quiz at work it was fun. Our team came fourth I think. I won free lunches for a week on the raffle, which was good as I sold most of the tickets. They said I should go into sales but I doubt I'd like it, haha.

 

A's gone for just over two weeks now. I'm not sure if I'll miss him or not yet, guess I'll see. I'm going to have a relaxing weekend and rest and be productive. I haven't done that in a while.

[Silverbirch]

Hi CC! happy New Year! Hope all is well with you!

[zentoCC]

Hi Silver! Happy New Year to you too! All is good with me, hope you're doing well.

 

I've pulled away from here since I got my new job. I've been quiet busy and I'm always complaining I haven't got enough time. I figured this was one of the drains on it so I decided to step back.

 

In big news I'm now dating A. It's a bit weird dating someone you live with, a little part of me thinks I should move out but I love where I live so there's not much incentive.

I don't find out about my job and pay until the end of the month or maybe March so I figure I'll leave it until then. I'm living in a very cheap place as well so I would probably have to pay more.

 

A is so cute. We started hanging out loads when he came back from Mexico and on New Year we ended up in bed together. I was a bit worried at first but then he started talking about dates and holding my hand, so I started to feel better. I'm not sure how serious it is yet but I'm happy for now. Just getting used to each other. It's great getting to come home and cuddle him..... Then getting to go to my own room after so I get some space, haha.

 

I'm loving my new job. I've just come back after after an eleven day Christmas break. So I'm tired but I love the people I work with and the work is better as well. I've been replaced in my old job which I think is good. I don't want to go back, but then again now I'm not sure where I'm going to end up. We're having a massive reshuffle of the company. They've said no redundancies though so at least I'm safe.

 

Basically I'm really happy at the moment.

[Silverbirch]

So good to hear al that CC!

[zentoCC]

So Adam and I are officially a couple. He's really sweet, more than I imagined he would be. He loves to cuddle and he's getting more and more confident and initiating more often which I really like. He says things that make it sound like he wants this to be a long thing not just something to pass a few months. Basically he's amazing and we are well a truly in the honeymoon period.

 

My legs nearly better as well which is awesome. I climbed up a mountain on Saturday and no pain in my leg at all. Adam was really sweet as he's a much better walker than me but he slowed down to walk with me as I was the slowest in the group. We slid down a bank of snow on our bums it was really silly and fun. This random guy walked by and called us big kids.

 

I'm getting a bit worried about my job not about the job itself but the fact they might lower my pay back to what it was. Lots of people are leaving my company, I'm wondering if I should. Every time I get serious about leaving, they pull me back. I might start casually searching it can't hurt.

[zentoCC]

Urgh I hate having a lactose intolerance. I'd been doing great really cutting down and most of my symptoms had gone away. But yesterday we had a cake sale and then Danish pastries were given out as someone was leaving. I'm paying for it today. I guess it was a slower reaction than normal because it's baked goods not straight milk. I need to be more careful and think about what I eat. It doesn't help that my appetite has been small because of my cold. Nearly 100% better though, or I will be after a good nights sleep.

Rant over/

[Silverbirch]

Get well soon!

[zentoCC]

So I know I haven't been posting on here for a while, though I have been ghosting around a bit. I've been busy and I honestly thought I was at the point that I didn't need this place. But there things that are going on in my life that I feel I'm not getting enough support on. I need a safe place that I can just express my feeling without constantly back "It will be OK" because it might not and I feel that saying that invalidates my feelings, and that I'm not being taken seriously.

 

My company is going through redundancy. They are with holding information about what 'pools' need to be reduced at the moment. I strongly suspect that I am in a high risk pool and by that I mean one that there will be a greater number of redundancies in compared to others. This is based on the fact that I am support staff which they have shown through graphs that they want to reduce the most, rumours (of course, least credit given), and from the fact that I haven't got enough work.

 

Further to this and this is where it gets pooey and complicated. I am on secondment (I'm also a full-time, permanent employee of my company), I am on secondment due to a restructure that has just come into affect when they announced the redundancies. On this secondment I am paid £5000 more than on my original contract. The contract for that secondment expired 31st March, I am still doing the seconded job. I have asked them what is happening they said no secondments are bring looked at until after the redundancy scheme has been closed. I asked about pay, they will not answer the question, therefore I have no idea what I'm getting paid this month. In the new structure I have been put into a 'pool' based on my seconded job, this is a different pool to my original contract. The only conclusion I can bring from this is that they are doing this so if I am made redundant they can base my pay off my original contract, despite the fact I am no longer in that role and it puts me into a different 'pool'.

 

Luckily (I think) I am in the union. I brought it up the rep and he said he can bring it up at the next meeting on the 8th. He told me to think about if I want that to happen because I will not be anonymous due to the uniqueness of my position. That shouldn't affect anything but we all know it can. So that is what I'll spend my four day Easter break contemplating.

 

Management is not taking blame for this at all they are saying it's equally everyone's fault and we should have worked harder. They're also acting like their jobs are a risk, when they aren't, there is nobody to fill there roles and sadly we need them. A lot of people are angry no with them for messing up but for not taking responsibility for it and trying to blame us almost. We had a meeting about it yesterday where they said we should be looking a this as an opportunity, that just doesn't respect the stress and worry people are going through because of this.

 

It is also probably why I'm getting annoyed at A when he says the same things. Even though he's saying then to comfort me it doesn't because it just reflects the lack of respect the company has shown me. He's also in France skiing and I don't want to ruin his holiday so I've basically most of this to myself. Though I did tell him I don't appreciate comments of that sort, I didn't want to potentially start an argument adding more stress while he's away by pushing the point. He's back on Saturday anyway. I'm not very confident on his ability to support me anyhow which doesn't bother me too much as I've always relied on my self I just hope he doesn't expect me to pretend it's not happening all the time. Because it is and I think I'm within reason to let it occupy my head. Even if it it 'only a job' that job not only supports my financially but gives me a sense of purpose, pride, something to do 5 days a week, a social outlet, a way to grow and learn new skills. I'm well aware I could get a new job, it probably wouldn't be to hard and I could probably do it before my redundancy money ran out, but I would definitely have to take a pay cut, my company pay very well compared to others. There is also the company culture aspect my company is very friendly. As somebody who has been bullied through school I still fear meeting new people especially a lot, I worry how they will treat me. Starting a new job this is the main thing that enters my mind. I cannot stop it, I do not let it stop me but it is a genuine fear that I have.

 

I actually feel a bit better voicing that.

[zentoCC]

D day is approaching fast. I will find out if I'm getting made redundant between Friday and Tuesday. I'm not scared of being made redundant or looking for a job. I'm pretty confident I can find one. The thing that's scaring me is starting at a new place and finding out they're not a bunch of geeks like me.

 

A has been really supportive since he's come back from his holiday. Almost overwhelmingly so. I had to ask him for a bit of time to myself. Which he gave me straight away.

I'm not good at maintaining stress so that probably why I didn't start getting worried until last night, that and A has been great at distracting me.

 

On a slightly separate topic. I started birth control about 6 weeks ago and my libido has dropped loads. A finds it harder to get me off and the fact it's been combined with me bleeding 60% of the time and him not lasting as long without condoms. Sex just isn't as good. I'm not sure if stress contributing as well. I'm not sure whether to ask for a different pill or get the implant. I like the convenience but I'm worried about the side effects as it's not as easy to remove. I'm gonna wait until the redundancy period is over before I decide. That will bring me to the point I need more pills anyways.

[Silverbirch]

Good luck with the job CC, and your health.n that amount of bleeding sounds very abnormal, and maybe is making you feel not so well either. Understandable your libido would be much lower.