Something to keep me motivated

[zentoCC]

My manager told me last year that I was really motivated if only he could see me now. I'm getting a bit better the last two days I've actually done some work the past few months I've actually managed to spend days playing spider solitaire or on this site. I spent about 30-60 minutes on it today at work, that's still really bad, when I first started my job I wouldn't have dreamed of doing it but nobody seems to notice what I do or don't do. Regardless of that things need to change.

 

I've been making countless to do lists to make sure things get done its actually helping for the most part but I put fun things on their and I'm not sure if it makes them then a chore or not.

 

I need to get over my ex. I went on an awful date last weekend and I've already decided to give up, I don't have many friends and they're all busy so I'm going to concentrate on making more I gave it a shot a couple of months ago I need to redouble my efforts.

 

I do not need him. I need to take him off his pedestal he gone I need to except that.

 

It's my birthday next week, I want it to be fun but that's up to me.

[zentoCC]

Garrh! I started imagining us getting back together I don't need this! I also started wondering about this fight we had if I'd handled it differently would we have just broke up sooner or would it have help, the problem is this doesn't even matter. The only way I seem to be able to get him out of my head is by thinking of other guys but that's not working because they aren't right for me either plus I think I need to be single now.

 

I'm so lonely. I was lonely before him but I was used to it, accepted it almost like being a virgin but he showed me life without loneliness and with sex and I miss both!

 

The problem is I don't trust easily so it will be a while before anything changes. I've joined a social club, I'm current working up the courage to say I'll go on Sunday, there's a guy I like there but I'm pretty sure he's got a girlfriend, guess he safe to crush on since nothing's going to happen, he might not even go.

 

Work didn't go well I couldn't concentrate then ended wasting the morning I managed to be a little productive in the afternoon but I should have done way more. I managed to mess up getting some work done, I didn't see the email, it turned out ok I think and nobody got angry but I think they have started to notice how useless I am.

 

I haven't done any work on my course now for a while though I can again tomorrow hopefully the problem with the computer is sorted.

 

Just going to relax now until karate and hope tomorrow will be better.

[zentoCC]

Started off down I had a dream about a baby except it could walk and talk straight after it was born. I e wanted a baby since I was 16 sometimes I think it would be great to be a single parent despite the hard work and the looks certain people would me, like for instance my mum. I know I'll wait though I hope I don't miss my window, guess I could go with plan B when I'm older. I've never liked the thought of relying on someone, my ex would offer to do things for me I'd rarely except and when I did I was always to grateful. Yet I never though anything of doing things for him, well I did towards the end but it was mainly the sex that bothered me.

 

I was thinking last night about w I always wanted sex with him, I rarely enjoyed it he mostly hurt me. A few thought popped into my mind; I was obsessed with sex (still am to a certain degree), I wanted the sense of closeness I thought it brought even though I felt like s*** afterwards, I felt like he should be able to use me, by this time most of my self worth had gone.

 

I wasted my first hour of work but manged to work hard to rest of the day I actually got a bit over loaded but I kind of like and part of me knows it my own fault. I forgot to phone up after work so I couldn't study will put a reminder on my phone so I don't forget tomorrow.

 

I haven't done anything off my list this week and my social plans have fallen through, it's bringing me down but at least I'll have time to study now. My friends back on Saturday I'm sure she'll tell me how great her life is I'm not sure if I want to hear it. I hope she's started to look for a job if we want to live together she needs one but lately I'm thinking she's probably going to bail on me like she does 75% of the time, I'm not even sure why I agreed to it in the first place though it is a bit of a bummer living with my parents. One day I'll get away just have to be patient I guess.

I may go visit my friend when my parents are away I hate it when my sister brings her boyfriend over they take over the whole house and I end up feeling like an intruder in my own home!

 

I watched a movie and did some sowing it made me glad I'm single because I can be away from my phone and not worry about missing a call or that he won't just doesn't even factor in anymore.

 

I wish I had a close friend.

[zentoCC]

Another dream this time ex sex or nearly it got dark and the light would work then I found out he had new family members and a new posh bathroom. I told him I needed to go he didn't seem bothered. I told him I could stay if he wanted again not bothered, seems accurate. I hate dreaming of him.

[zentoCC]

I had a good day at work got quite a bit done pretty much caught up, I also have found a group of people for a cluster on the project I'm working on fingers crossed it could succeed. I think it helps having people around me because as soon as I got home my mood went bad and I started to think about him. He's unblocked me on Facebook, that worries me it's his birthday on Monday and mine's on Thursday. I don't know if hell contact me if I don't contact him on his then he has no reason to contact me on mine, right? I'm not sure if it's worry or hope though.

 

I went to hobbycraft and bought some more cross stitching kits, I'm going to make one for a lovely woman at work who's off ill. I'll put it into a card and get the team to sign it, she only lives around the corner so I can drop it off.

 

I rang up they said phone the college so I did and they phoned Sage and said they'd phone me back, their offices close in 20 minutes so I guess I'll have to phone them tomorrow.

 

I have to friends confirmed for my birthday the 3rd will have to check, I'm looking forward to shopping and eating with my friends.

[zentoCC]

I can't get the fact he's unblocked on Facebook out of my mind. I think I want him to contact me but me being so impatient I'm already thinking of messages I could send him. I tried to see if he's in a relationship it wouldn't show me I don't he would be but he has surprised me before.

 

I went to the hairdressers today I'm now blonde. It's going to take a bit of getting used to.

 

Feel completely demotivated I may just game online for a bit either that or just curl up in bed. I wish I had someone to talk to.

[zentoCC]

My friend came back from her holiday last night so I selfishly used her to talk me out of sending him a message, I had it all typed out and everything. She had a good holiday, though I think she expected more from her potential Long distance boyfriend. She says she's starting to get a bit needy around him I think she's over reacting a bit, every girl wonders if she's pretty enough.

 

Otherwise had a good day studied a bit and tidied my room. I have an exam on the 7th, so I need to concentrate the the next two weeks. I'm going to do an practice exam in minute.

[zentoCC]

So I didn't do the practise exam, I watched a movie instead. The good news is that I did it today and passed.

 

It was his birthday today I got so scared last night that I deleted my Facebook apps. Still went on, on my laptop, though. I nearly had a panic attack when I saw I had a message just my friend making travel plans for Muse.

 

I watched TV and gamed today actually looking forward to go to work, no wonder I have so much leave left!

 

I've decided I want a new laptop mines starting to annoy my the battery hasn't worked in years and it's getting clogged up not sure what to get yet though. I'll have to do some research.

 

Need to ring up about sage tomorrow, I hope I don't forget again.

[zentoCC]

Guess what I forgot to ring, damn it! Try again tomorrow I guess.

 

I looked at his profile about five times, I seriously need to get over him. He's still got all the photos of us together, I deleted mine when I was upset. When I imagine us back together I always picture me being miserable, I think I just want to be with someone but he's the only I have anything to base it on so I picture him.

 

There are advantages to being single though; I've saved so much money and my future is mine. There a loads others but these are my favourite as I'm saving up to buy a place. I do miss cuddling and sex though and being to tell someone everything even if they complained.

 

I worked we'll though the morning not so well in the afternoon. I was thinking about trying to get work on a cruise ship, I noted to before I started my last job but you had to be 21 well I'm going to be 22 on Thursday. I'd need to finish my course first but it might be worth looking into, nothing like a change of scenery to clear your head.

[zentoCC]

I didn't work very hard today but I had fun.

 

I remembered to call! They said they'd replace the software.

 

I need o ask my friend if she's looking for a job. She's been avoiding me lately I'm wondering if our plans going to fall through. Part of me isn't that surprised, I set myself not to be disappointed if she backed out, she's known for being unreliable. I guess I shouldn't jump to conclusions I will ask her on Friday.

 

I feel my life has so much potential I just need to sort some things out first.

 

I've been thinking a bit more positively lately, I feel more in control. I know I'm secure where I am and I'm in a good position to push forward I just need to bid my time a bit longer. I really wish I was more patient though.

[zentoCC]

I've had a busy few days.

 

Thursday was my birthday, I went to work and got lots of happy birthdays which was nice. I went out for a meal in the evening my sister decided she'd rather go out with her friends, she seems to be pulling away from everyone lately.

 

Friday, I went to the Trafford centre with my friends I had lots of fun it was nice seeing them.

 

Saturday, I went to see Muse, it was amazing! I put purple streaks in my hair for it. They played all my favourite songs and they shot fire into the sky it was really cool and warm! I wish their had been a few less tall people though.

 

Today, I work up feeling quite grotty, I was dehydrated and I'd missed dinner the last two days. I finally got up the energy to visit my Nan. I haven't seen her lately so I've been feeling a bit guilty. My uncle was showing my his car he's powering with oxyhydroxide, fairly interesting.

 

As for how I've been feeling; mostly better. It's been nice to see my friends, and it was nice to get some attention from the people I love.

 

I've still been thinking about my ex, he didn't contact me on my birthday which I know is for the best. I've been slowly looking up his Facebook page less and less and still no urge to contact him, which is good. I had a dream about him. where we got back together and everything was alright, I woke up think 'as if' and it actually made me feel better about how I'd been imagining bad things about us getting back together, because it's just not going to happen. I'm not saying I'm suddenly over him or what he did to me but I'm getting there.

 

I asked my friend how the job search was going she said she'd applied for one job though she was willing to do anything, I didn't know how to reply especially as the job she applied to is really in demand. Guess I'm not moving out for a few more months then.

 

My other friend is dating someone new, she finds new guys so easily, I guess it helps that she confident, trying new things socially, and lately has gained loads of confidence. I'm quite jealous even though I'm not ready to date yet.

 

Back at work tomorrow and karate a back on. Yay! I've got my grading next Monday so will have to concentrate extra hard these next two lessons. I'm also trying to plan things out a bit better be more time efficient, struggling so far though.

[zentoCC]

Busy day today I was the only one from the job I'm working on who was in. So I had to try and wade through all the emails and answer the phones.

 

I didn't manage to get through all the emails it would have been impossible, plus this woman kept phoning me about a different job and the manager for that job keeps disappearing without telling anyone which is always handy.

 

I went to karate tonight the Sensei told me I should be ok for my grading next week, I'll be a yellow belt then which is the 7th kyu. I hope I don't mess up but I'm feeling pretty confident.

 

I went for a walk at lunch today for the first time in a while another woman came with us, she was hinting at being invited more often. It's not that we don't like her but we have different interests and it would be nice if she wasn't so imposing.

[zentoCC]

I had a good day today. Lots of fun work and sat out in the sun at lunchtime. This guy I like was there, I didn't really talk to him but it was nice to see him.

 

He caught up to me when I a leaving work to though we got to walk together for about five seconds since I s getting picked up by my Dad, another reason to move out since him and a few other people I know could get the train together.

 

Talking to him has an undercurrent of awkwardness, I can tell he's not completely at ease talking to people (like me!) but we just about manage to hold a conversation. I wish I knew if he had a girlfriend or not though I just want to be friends with him for now sadly I'm stil not completely over my ex. I'm sat here right now wishing I had someone to go out and meet, I'm almost tempted to contact him but I doubt that would help anything probably just make myself feel worse.

 

Well I'm off to do another practise exam then mope about the house wishing my ex had been a better person.

 

Life sucks.

[zentoCC]

It was so hot at karate tonight, the sensei's say my kata is really good. Their was a new boy their today he was standing uncomfortably close to me and it felt to awkward to let him to move over, I tried hinting by moving closer to him but he just stood there!

 

I went outside for lunch again today. The guy I like wasn't there but the creepy one who stares at my breasts was, joy.

 

I called up about my software problem again they directed my to someone else, I got voicemail all day, try again tomorrow.

 

We has a team meeting today, it was in a really stuffy room. One of the directors came and one of the guys nearly fell asleep listening to him, I was starting to feel drowsy but when I saw him nodding off, it made me smile and woke me up watching him.

 

I'd been doing really well at work Monday and Tuesday, but about 11 today I just suddenly couldn't concentrate. I guess I'm doing better though.

 

We've got our appraisals soon I hate them but maybe I can ask about a secondment somewhere he did mention it in our last meeting, I wouldn't mind pushing it especially as I can't see myself progressing in my role.

[zentoCC]

I really need to cry and I have no idea why.

[zentoCC]

I figured it out, bit obvious really. I had decided to go the cinema (my ex works there) I thought I'd go at a time he's least likely to be working because I really want to see this film and there a no other cinemas nearby. I was fine until I looked up times, I was only when I realised I was thinking about seeing him I realised I couldn't handle it and that's why I was so upset. I also found some emails I'd sent him a deleted them in a panic I thought I'd gotten rid of them ages ago. Well I've dropped the idea now and blocked him on Facebook since I also get worried about him contacting me. I started feeling better afterwards and had a fairly nice day. I think I'll visit my Nan again and go get some ice cream with a friend instead.

 

I went to Costco for the firs time today, it was really cool. I bought myself a giant pink fluffy pillow, it's really soft and great to cuddle. I also bought some haggis! I had some in Scotland and it was delicious I doubt this stuff will be as good but fingers crossed.

 

I've got my exam tomorrow, wish me luck! Going to do some last minute revision before bed.

[zentoCC]

I passed.

 

I'm going to pamper myself today, I think. It's sunny enough to justify showing off a bit of flesh so I might as well shave my legs, luckily I've gotten way with it so far.

 

I'm feeling optimistic today I'm going to try and keep hold of that feeling as its a nice one to have.

 

I also ordered some corrective googles so I can see a bit better, I've started going swimming with a friend and it's a bit embarrassing following people around the pool wondering if its her or not (more often not).

 

I really have blown my money away this month.

[zentoCC]

I had a nice relaxing weekend.

 

I took my Nan to the woods and we were looking at some squirrels and I gotten bitten by some insects. Two on either side of my knee and one on top, it really brings out the bruise in the middle. I had to wear trousers to work today. Anywho, I brought some ice cream for us to share then showed her how to use my sisters kindle that she wanted to borrow before she bought her own.

 

My phoned me on Sunday, she'd knocked herself off the book and couldn't see it well enough to get back on I ended having to walk my uncle through it. I went swimming in the morning, then sunbathed until I started to burn, then I went indoors and alternated between doing my assignment and playing Tera.

 

Got to go to my grading now, I'll write more later.

[zentoCC]

I'm now a yellow belt.

 

I'm finding I'm more emotional than usual lately. A very nice woman at work has been off with stress she came in for the first time today. My college went to see her and came back crying because she'd developed a studded and looked so I'll, normally I'd just feel uncomfortable but today I also felt like crying. I have such mood swings.

 

I'm starting to get to the point where I'm feeling like trying to meet people again there might be something to do with the group I joined this weekend, if not then ill try and drag my friend out.

[zentoCC]

I had a bit of a panic today and ended up unblocking my ex. I didn't want to talk to him, I more wanted him to talk to me even though the thought of it scares me. He was the only friend I'd made since I left school and now he's gone. Sometimes I wonder if I could win him back but I know I could never trust him or be happy.

 

My friends really annoying me I initiate all our contact. She wanted us to move in together, she needs to find a job first. I asked her how it was going, "I'll take any job at the moment but I'm mainly focusing on microbiology", "I've applied for one job, I've been looking at loads." If you've looked at loads and will take anything then why have you only applied for one job?!? One month she's been looking it took me 5 to get a job and that was applying for 2-3 jobs a week. We were supposed to be.looking at places to live this month, that's not going to happen. I was looking at a flat share site, I may end up going there if she doesn't start showing me she's serious. I should have guessed she'd be like this she back out of over half our groups plans and is late to the rest. I hate how stuck I feel here. I'm going to start looking for a new job as well I can't move to where I want to, and where I want to move to everyone's going off sick with stress. I should probably wait until I've finished my course but at least this way I'll have gotten back into the habit of looking.

 

My manager keeps pressuring me to take more time off, I've told him I might take a week off at the end of July to go to Edinburgh. I haven't had a week off since Christmas my ex used to just take random weeks off and laze about I hate wasting leave like that I need to be doing something. Does going on a singles holiday seem sad? I may not be able to go away otherwise, I'm to scared to go on my own especially since I don't meet people easily. I can see myself crying in my room because I'm lonely. I cried today over not being able to borrow my Mum's car, I need to get a grip.... And my own car.

[zentoCC]

I'm on my phone so excuse any mistakes.

 

I've had a really bad morning, I've been crying and my thoughts have even started to stray to suicide. I ended up messaging my ex, I'mso pathetic, I've deleted Facebook on my phone because I'm not ready for what I started. I might have to face it when I get home. I really wish I knew what was wrong with me.

[zentoCC]

I feel like I'm being pulled in to many different directions yet I feel stuck unable to go anywhere.

[zentoCC]

Excellent.. I booked today off and my friends bailed on me and my mums leaving me notes telling me not to steal the car. Thanks for the trust. No idea what to do now.

[zentoCC]

And the day just keeps getting better. A quick trip to Morrisons to get my dinner and my exes family was there. I don't know if his brother recognised me though my hairs changed quiet a lot. Part of my wanted to actually bump into them and them to ask why we broke up. I wouldn't have told them its not my place besides my ex might have told them anything. I really wish he would acknowledge what he did to me, he's never going to though and I have to find a way to get past that.

 

P.S when I said my friend bailed, she ignored all contact from me... And I'm supposed to move in with her once she gets a job!

[zentoCC]

Just setting up my new laptop.

 

link removed