Ladies: When guys are unpredictable and unavailable, do you desire them more?

[Double J]

My fiancee and I started dating 9 years ago. We've been engaged for a little more than a year, and she's been sleeping over at my place for about the same length of time.

 

Like every other mature couple, we've encountered some bumps in the road. We normally see each other every day, including weekends. Ever since she started sleeping at my house, we've been fighting more, the sex has been less frequent and more ho hum, and the relationship as a whole has been dragged down by routine, predictability, and utter complacency.

 

I realize that it's partly my fault. I tend to nitpick about things like:

- my fiancee taking 3 hours at the mall instead of 1 like she said she would

- my fiancee falling asleep early at night while we're watching a show or movie

- my fiancee sometimes seeming less affectionate

 

Last year I tried a little experiment that injected loads of excitement into my relationship -- at least until we got stuck in a routine again. I started making myself look busy and put a little distance between us:

 

- I didn't answer the phone each and every time she called

- I had her sleep at her own house a few times a week

- I took her out to different places (new restaurants, etc.)

- I gave her a small gift when she least expected it

 

The end result? We started having sex 3-4 times a week, we had interesting conversations where we each had plenty to talk about, she treated me better and put more time and effort into the relationship (to dress up for our dates, etc.)

 

When I sensed this month that our relationship was getting stale yet again, I tried this strategy and it worked like a charm. We're no longer fighting, we're having more engaging discussions, and we make love almost every day.

 

I firmly believe my problem was simple: I was being way too nice, too available, too interested. Women don't like it when guys sweat the small stuff. Women like a hint of drama in the relationship. By putting a little space between us, I allowed her to miss me, and it seemed to spike her interest level. Spending time apart let her wonder what I was doing and when we'd see each other again. Once we saw each other, it seemed easier than ever to get her in bed.

 

So my question to you ladies is: When guys are unpredictable and less available, do you desire them more? We all know how well this works in the world of marketing; tell us a product is unavailable or only available for a limited time and we suddenly want to dash to the store and buy it.

 

Is my "strategy" working because girls want what they can't have? Does distance make the heart grow fonder?

 

Do you think that if your boyfriend/husband were to try this in your relationship/marriage, it would increase your desire for him, both sexually and emotionally?

[Sparklesong]

So what are you going to do after you get married? Send her packing to a motel 4 nights a week?

[Capricorn3]

So my question to you ladies is: When guys are unpredictable and less available, do you desire them more?

I'll probably be the odd one out, but NO, it does not make me desire them more. I'm not into games. I prefer someone who knows what he wants, and doesn't have the need to become "unavailable and unpredictable" so as to get me to desire him more. For me it has the opposite effect and I head for the hills. I prefer things like integrity, honesty and respect. Works every time.

[Natasha24]

Even the best of friends and the best couples can't spend 24/7 together. I'm sure spending so much time together made things a little stale. You need time apart to experience new things, then when we spend time together, you get to share your stories with each other.

 

The other things you listed (giving her a small gift every now and then, taking her to new restaurants, trying new things) are things that must happen in every relationship in order for it to stay fresh and new. I don't think being "less available" made her more attracted to you. Having new experiences to share and having a life OUTSIDE each other is what makes a relationship exciting.

[poetryandlyrics]

You've been sorta living together for a year. First year and so is usually the hardest when you have to figure ou how to live with each other. I think you should figure out how to argue less or better because I agree with the poster above. How is it gonna work when married?

[Double J]

So what are you going to do after you get married? Send her packing to a motel 4 nights a week?

 

It's simple. We'll have time apart when we run errands, spend time with friends, etc. I go to the gym a couple of times a week. She might also go and visit her folks while I pay a visit to mine. It's all about maintaining our separate interests.

[Double J]

I'll probably be the odd one out, but NO, it does not make me desire them more. I'm not into games. I prefer someone who knows what he wants, and doesn't have the need to become "unavailable and unpredictable" so as to get me to desire him more. For me it has the opposite effect and I head for the hills. I prefer things like integrity, honesty and respect. Works every time.

 

So if knowing what he wants means being attached at the hip with you and letting you step all over him, that's OK?

 

I would think you'd prefer someone who keeps you on your toes. Someone who has a life outside the relationship.

[Ayanokōji]

From that behavior pattern she clearly thinks you are too clingy before, some women crave attention and are very clingy and others are the opposite, it is difficult to generalize. But as a guy I really don't like it when girls are constantly unavailable or playing hard to get. Just seems very immature and playing mind games.

[Capricorn3]

So if knowing what he wants means being attached at the hip with you and letting you step all over him, that's OK?

 

I would think you'd prefer someone who keeps you on your toes. Someone who has a life outside the relationship.

Knowing what he wants does NOT mean he has to be attached to the hip. Nor does it mean someone has to walk all over you. I have no idea where you get that from.

 

Why on earth would I need/want "someone to keep me on my toes" ?? You seem to have very strange ideas about how relationships work. I wish you luck.

 

I DO agree with you that having outside interests is always a VERY good idea.

[Double J]

From that behavior pattern she clearly thinks you are too clingy before, some women crave attention and are very clingy and others are the opposite, it is difficult to generalize. But as a guy I really don't like it when girls are constantly unavailable or playing hard to get. Just seems very immature and playing mind games.

 

I'm doing it in moderation, not constantly.

 

The truth of the matter is this: A woman might say she wants a nice guy who showers her with endless affection and attention. But what a woman says she wants and what she truly wants deep down might be completely different. I think most if not all women relish the element of surprise. They seem to want a bit of unpredictability to keep the relationship fresh. Agreeing with everything they say and never standing up for yourself is also a turn-off.

[Double J]

Knowing what he wants does NOT mean he has to be attached to the hip. Nor does it mean someone has to walk all over you. I have no idea where you get that from.

 

Why on earth would I need/want "someone to keep me on my toes" ?? You seem to have very strange ideas about how relationships work. I wish you luck.

 

I DO agree with you that having outside interests is always a VERY good idea.

 

Come on. Are you saying you don't want your guy to be unpredictable? That you always want him to be at your beck and call and agree with everything you say? I'm pretty sure you'd look forward to seeing your guy more if, say, you haven't seen him all day than if you've both been together non-stop for 2 days.

[Capricorn3]

Come on. Are you saying you don't want your guy to be unpredictable? That you always want him to be at your beck and call and agree with everything you say? I'm pretty sure you'd look forward to seeing your guy more if, say, you haven't seen him all day than if you've both been together non-stop for 2 days.

Please don't put words in my mouth. I never said that I expect a guy to be at my beck and call and agree with everything I say, nor did I imply it anywhere. I said a prefer a guy who doesn't play games. I am not the clingy/needy type, nor do I need to be suffocated by a partner. A good balance is all that is necessary - no games required.

[Legato]

OP you doomed yourself in here by using the words "unavailable" and "unpredictable". I know what you were trying to describe but you made a poor choice in adjectives. I believe you mean "mysterious".

 

Not that a woman is going to want to marry a mysterious guy that she doesn't know, but "mysterious" in the sense that the woman doesn't always know exactly what he's up to every second of the day. And to piggyback off that; "exciting". Meaning the man isn't just waking up, going to work, coming home and having dinner, watching tv, then going to bed. Boring. Changing things up and keeping things interesting is always important (like going to new restaurants or surprising her with gifts every now and then).

 

But anyway I believe you're right. Girls don't want some clingy guy that does everything they want and is always all over them. It's attractive to have your own life outside the relationship and to give her her space so she can miss you.

[Trinity11]

Termus is on the money.

Guess its up the the individual. If i date someone who is 'unavailable' I get a bit annoyed, I find them unreliable. But I have dated people who like this kind of stimulation. I dont think it is about playing games though. Its about keeping your own life and your own identity.

[Madman22]

 

Is my "strategy" working because girls want what they can't have? Does distance make the heart grow fonder?

 

Your plan is working because people, both men and women are attracted to people who have their own lives. You showed her that you have a life without her, so she responded to that. As flattering as it is, no-one really likes to be someones world. Its too much pressure to be someones everything. By being in a relationship and showing her that she is not your be all and end all, you have allowed her to have space to be able to think about things OTHER than what makes you happy, such as dressing up for herself, which inturn made you happy. Hope that makes sense.

 

Its a great feeling knowing that someone doesnt NEED you around, but CHOOSES to have you around, and that is what you showed her.

 

Your "strategy" is what every successful relationship has. Every relatioship advice blog/magazine/therapist speak about "keeping the relationship alive." That is exactly what you are doing.

 

Keep up the great work - If she employs a similar attitude, I expect to see a post from you celebrating your 70th wedding anniversary with your great grandchildren and in love more than ever.

 

Keep on keeping on!

[tattoobunnie]

Wow - you are soooo not ready for marriage or fatherhood!

 

I mean, if you're:

 

- taking her out different places (new restaurants, etc.)

- giving her small gifts when she least expected it

 

I would think she would swoon over that. It's call EFFORT.

 

You just have to realize all relationships go through highs, lows, sweet, sour, falling asleep while watching a movie, silence, yammering, etc.

 

Marriage isn't one big party where your SO is there to entertain you - it wasn't you pulling away, or ignoring that made her want to be with you more, it's you making an effort - taking her on dates.

 

And by the time a lady gets a few years older, all douches get overlooked by the awesome, stable guy.

[tattoobunnie]

Come on. Are you saying you don't want your guy to be unpredictable? That you always want him to be at your beck and call and agree with everything you say? I'm pretty sure you'd look forward to seeing your guy more if, say, you haven't seen him all day than if you've both been together non-stop for 2 days.

 

I would never want an unpredictable guy, and this is the same with all my married friends - we only have eyes for reliable and accountable men. And we have had our motley bunch days.

 

Unpredictable men gamble all your money away, and forget to pick you up at a train station, cuz they hopped a plane to go to some bachelor party in Vegas for some guy who's related to his second cousin's buddy.

[Ayanokōji]

I never understood why girls like surprises so much, I like to be prepared and given notice first since I'm a busy guy with a busy schedule. Come at me with a surprise and theres a high chance I won't be available lol...

[Double J]

it wasn't you pulling away, or ignoring that made her want to be with you more, it's you making an effort - taking her on dates.

 

I think it was both. I'm the same way. If my g/f tells me she can't see me tonight, I'll want to see her more tomorrow. As humans, we value the unavailable and that which is difficult to obtain. If you haven't seen your partner for 2 weeks, would you be more interested in seeing him or her than you would if you've seen the person every day for the last month? I would think so.

[tattoobunnie]

I am hot for my hubby all the time. So, no to your question. I guess this is a life lesson you will learn on your own that marriage will teach you. Think of this way, when you two have kids one day, being separated doesn't make you love your kids any more...you already love them all the time.

 

I feel bad for your fiance that you are in fact experimenting on her. She's not a lab rat.

[Double J]

I am hot for my hubby all the time. So, no to your question. I guess this is a life lesson you will learn on your own that marriage will teach you. Think of this way, when you two have kids one day, being separated doesn't make you love your kids any more...you already love them all the time.

 

I feel bad for your fiance that you are in fact experimenting on her. She's not a lab rat.

 

When did it become a crime to try and find ways to spice up a relationship?

 

If spending a little more time apart actually improves the relationship, what's so bad about that?

 

I don't see her complaining. If you ask me, she likes it because it affords her more time to spend time with friends and relatives. Same goes for me.

 

When we get married, I'll make sure that we keep our separate interests. I just think spending all day together isn't healthy

[tattoobunnie]

Whatever you do - do not say you want to spice things up to your lady!!! Say, "let's try something new."

 

Who said you should be together all day? But you do realize, when you marry, you live together - EVERY DAY. Maybe you aren't ready to get married? You seem to lack a level of appreciation with certain intimacy with her. If you can't handle her being tired, or falling asleep with a movie on TV, then wow - I can things burning out real fast.

 

And training and experimenting on her isn't spicing things up. If you want to try new things, try new sex positions, food, traveling. You are actually conditioning her to induce feelings of anxiousness. Maybe you don't hear her complaining cuz you disappear or wait on returning her calls every once in a while. Essentially, you are playing games with her.

[lovinggirl]

Yeah, I agree with Tattoobunnie and Capricorn3. I wouldn't be turned on by a guy like you. Basically you're playing games with her and they're right when they said honesty and integrity is very important. You're not genuine. If I were your gf, I would pack up and leave you for good.