Loneliness and Failure with Women

[Blearn]

Yeah, I've acknowledged that certain types of women find dating rough too, though in my experience not in the same degree as men. But I can't fathom my self around the concept of marrying at what I still believe to be a relatively young age eg 30s. If women at this point are looking for somebody to 'settle' for then some females are going to be disappointed when accepting the realization that some men are simply not ready. I'd rather experiment and feel sexually fulfilled before settling down to the banal 'expected' conformity, & potentially disappointing lifestyle of married life.

 

I don't think that makes me a demon.

[Blue Spiral]

I don't think it does either, Blearn.

 

The truth is, women and men tend to accumulate sexual/relationship experience at different rates. And if something happens to make a man non-average in a bad way (height, extreme shyness, whatever), that gap becomes a canyon. The average sixteen-year-old girl probably has more sexual experience than 24-year-old me, way back when. Even now, at (good lord) 34, most college freshman women probably have more relationship experience than I do (I have a grand total of less than a year put together). So, by the time that women are bored with sexual diversity and want to "settle down", we're still waiting for those wild years that we kept hearing about. And women wonder why men keep going for much younger women. "What could they possibly have in common??" Sexual numbers, for one...

[Blearn]

Well said. That's exactly my point.

[Not a rookie]

I think what drives women away is not your looks but your attitude.

[SilverFactory]

I think what drives women away is not your looks but your attitude.

 

I disagree.

 

The whole blame the victim seems to be a common theme here in ENA.. you know, the whole 'is not them, its your attitude' thing.

 

I am sure the OP did not sound the way he does now many years ago. I believe all the rejections from women over the years made him cynical.

 

If I come to ENA and say that I am upset and angry because some one slapped me today are you going to say 'you are an angry person that is why you got slapped'?

 

The OP is not getting rejected because of his attitude. He now has a negative attitude because he has been getting rejected over the past several years.

[Not a rookie]

I disagree.

 

The whole blame the victim seems to be a common theme here in ENA.. you know, the whole 'is not them, its your attitude' thing.

 

I am sure the OP did not sound the way he does now many years ago. I believe all the rejections from women over the years made him cynical.

 

If I come to ENA and say that I am upset and angry because some one slapped me today are you going to say 'you are an angry person that is why you got slapped'?

 

The OP is not getting rejected because of his attitude. He now has a negative attitude because he has been getting rejected over the past several years.

 

My grandfather was 5'3'' as well. He was one of the most charismatic people on this planet. He was admired by many ladies when he was single. He married my grandma who was 5'8''. She was stunningly beautiful. I've met other 5'3'' men who are charming and successful. And all of these men looked "average". Being cynical is not a good way to attract potential partners. It gives off a bitter vibe.

[SilverFactory]

Being cynical is not a good way to attract potential partners. It gives off a bitter vibe.

 

I agree.

 

What I am trying to say is there is a reason for the OP's bitterness and cynical attitude.

[Blue Spiral]

My grandfather was 5'3'' as well. He was one of the most charismatic people on this planet. He was admired by many ladies when he was single. He married my grandma who was 5'8''. She was stunningly beautiful. I've met other 5'3'' men who are charming and successful. And all of these men looked "average". Being cynical is not a good way to attract potential partners. It gives off a bitter vibe.

 

OK, please bear with me, here. Imagine that you're reading a newspaper article about someone from Group X. "Group X" could be any group of people that's considered to be down on their luck, or in a tough situation of some sort. This article spotlights a member of Group X that's really improved his/her life--it's an improbable "pulled himself/herself up by his/her bootstraps" feel-good article. This individual could be someone that used to be on welfare, or a single mom, or anything. And, completely coincidentally, a third party pointed the reporter to this person: a third party that wants to pull government funding that helps Group X, and wants everyone to see that, hey, this guy/gal is just fine without it!

 

Every girl knows a short guy that's really successful with women. Every guy knows an overweight girl that has a great husband. Did the person telling the story actually get involved with this person? Well, no, of course not. And they don't mention that, of all the other "types" like that that they've known, the others weren't nearly as lucky. But if one person out of a hundred somehow managed to overcome their challenges, the other ninety-nine need to shut up and stop complaining, apparently. Because...if one person overcomes something, it means that the "something" isn't a real issue that needs to be addressed?

[Not a rookie]

I am not talking about newspaper articles here but about real people and real encounters. If you or for that matter any other man or woman has such a negative outlook on life, nothing can change their point of view. Please no offense but all your posts have an aura of negativeness and bitterness. Are you happy in that state? Has it brought you things that you wanted? If yes then great. No one said OP should shut up. I was trying to motivate him. If you are really bitter about women I suggest you go find the woman responsible for it. I am not responsible for your misery. Neither are all the women on this board.

[Purusha]

I don't think that anyone's saying that the situation OP finds himself in is his fault, but many are saying that his attitude isn't going to be helpful in his situation and that's something in himself that he could look at changing. I believe that someone also suggested that he could look at changing his location that's more suited to the sort of lifestyle that he wants to lead, which obviously doesn't blame the op for the situation he's in.

 

Isn't that more helpful than wallowing in his misery and claiming that there's absolutely nothing he could do about his situation? I was under the impression that we were here to help, not to make people see less options and feel worse about their lives.

 

I come from Northern England too, and I haven't recognised the trend that you've laid out in your description, so I can't help but feel that you're selectively viewing your surroundings according to how you feel. It's very easy to do when you're caught up in feeling bad about your life, but it does limit the things that you see around you and create a false bias with which to shape your perception around.

 

Whether you want to hear this or not, whatever people appear to you they are individuals who live their lives in their own way, and your looking down on them in the way that you have been through pigeon holing them into categories will come through in some part of your communication with them in one way or another and will close you off to some potentially great people.

 

It may also protect you from some people you may find awful, but that's the pay off.

 

I know it may seem to you that women are off having a great time sleeping with anyone that they fancy, but I can assure you that this is not the case. I am of a similar age to you and I have female friends who have had 1 or 2 partners before settling down, others were virgins before they married, others slept with the most of their town and beyond - there is huge variety in people's experiences that are as individual as they are. Whatever people have chosen some regret it, other's don't. There is no perfect way with which to lead your life, you can only make choices and if it doesn't suit, choose something else.

 

You will have difficulty trying to obtain the fun that you feel you should've had in your twenties if only because a lot (not all, but a lot) of women your age will be hearing the ticking of the biological clock and won't necessarily be looking for the same thing. So ideally, looking for someone younger than you would be the way to go.

 

Keep in mind that not everyone actually wants children, many women I know don't want to get married, and none believe that the fun should stop after 30, so the first step should be finding out what a lady wants and making sure it's in line with your desires.

 

I was a bit confused by your saying that you have lots of hobbies, but that your social life is dead - are your hobbies mainly solo? I understand that you're not into going out and drinking, but I did wonder whether you could make your hobbies more of a social thing which might expand the people that you meet and help you in this area?

 

The other thing that I'd say is that if your location isn't supporting the sort of lifestyle you're looking for, it's worth looking to see if there's somewhere else that you might like to be that does. People say the only difference is geography, however I've found that attitudes are different in different places, and somewhere that has more things that interest you may offer you more opportunities in meeting new people that you find yourself more suited to.

 

Personally I'm not a big fan of online dating, there are just so many people and so many variants it seems a very difficult place to meet people and if you're in a difficult place in your life in terms of dating, I can see how it would exaggerate this. But if it floats your boat and you find it easier for you than experimenting with what you do in life, more power to you.

 

I don't see that there's any way that you can get away from the fact that you're 5'3, but there are other things you could try that would potentially help you and make it less of an issue.

[allcity]

If any man or woman is constantly failing at dating then, rather than blame an entire gender for your failures, isn't it much healthier to:

 

1. Realise that your biggest problem is most likely you. There are millions of average-looking, short, fat, broke (insert any other so-called 'flaw' that you like) people in the world that are happily married or in relationships. Successful dating takes a great deal of effort and a great deal of luck. You can work on the former and put yourself in situations to try and increase the latter - both are things that YOU'RE in full control of. Just remember that you still might never meet 'the one'. That's just the way of the world. It's easy to blame everyone else for our failures but the reality is that most of the time WE'RE the ones to blame. And even when we're not, we are in control of how we feel about our failures.

 

2. If your life has taught you that the opposite sex are shallow, superficial people that expect perfection and will reject any person that can't measure up to those standards, then has it ever occurred to you that possibly it's YOUR personal tastes and emotional maturity that need looking at? Maybe YOU'RE the one that's only ever attracted to people that are impossible to please and you're not noticing all the wonderful people out there that aren't quite so superficial. Plenty of people spend their life single and unhappy, as they're always attracted to the wrong type. Just ask any of the women that you think are happily dating all the 'jerks' that you envy. I guarantee you that many of them aren't happy with those guys at all. They're often just attracted to their confidence and charisma and, behind closed doors, are very unhappy with the way these guys actually treat them and are wondering why they can't meet a good guy. Don't be so quick to judge how happy and successful you think other people are - often your judgement will be WAY off the mark!

 

3. If you're not fitting in with people where you live and you don't feel any connection to the culture, attitudes etc around you, then you're got two choices. First look at yourself and figure out whether you're just a bit too unrealistic and superior in your attitudes and whether maybe there's anything YOU can do to fit in better and be happier where you are, without compromising your beliefs and integrity. And if there isn't anything you can do, then look at moving somewhere else where you might be happier. Just always bear in mind that (like someone else said here) wherever you go, there you are.

 

4. Realise that flirting, attracting the opposite sex and being successful at seduction, dating or whatever else is a skill. And some skills aren't natural for some people, so they might need to be developed. If you're no good at attracting people, then instead of hating those people for not finding you attractive and hating the people that they DO desire, then just work on improving your own dating skills. If you got a new job and your boss asked you to do something you didn't know how to do, you wouldn't tell them "No" and then hate the people that DID know how to do it. You'd start learning or you'd be out of a job. Life and dating are no different.

 

The world doesn't owe any of us love, happiness or a successful relationship. It's up to US to go out there and get those things if that's what we want. And never forget that some people will never have the first or third things on that list, as that's just how the world works sometimes. The second thing on that list is fully in your control, though, regardless of whether you're in a relationship.

[SilverFactory]

I have to say - this is a fantastic post!

[Ms Darcy]

I find this similar to finding a job. I have a friend who spent four years searching for a job as an archivist in the government before she finally got it. It was hard work and she had to spend a lot of time on it. But she never blamed anyone for not having a job.

 

Sometimes you just have to keep plugging away.

[Blue Spiral]

I am not talking about newspaper articles here but about real people and real encounters.

 

Wow, I had no idea.

 

If you or for that matter any other man or woman has such a negative outlook on life, nothing can change their point of view. Please no offense but all your posts have an aura of negativeness and bitterness. Are you happy in that state? Has it brought you things that you wanted?

 

Being negative hasn't done that, no, and neither did being positive. The thing is, I wouldn't expect either to have an effect one way or the other. My main goal is to be honest. In some situations, that will mean being positive, and in other situations, it will mean being negative.

[Blearn]

I think at 31 I'm at a cross roads in which I have to acknowledge a few things.

Firstly, so far I've pretty much failed at achieving my dreams from being a child. I'm not asking for the world to feel for me because the universe doesn't revolve around me. But working hard and utilizing a talent I believe I have has only gravitated me so far toward where I'd like to be. I was a very driven kid with 2 particular dreams that to this day I've never allowed to decrease in intensity. I wanted to become a relatively successful musician. I say relatively because I was never too bothered about dreaming of a mainstream music scene accepting me; especially considering when so many of my musical inspirations were deemed to exist as underground acts and no where near the mainstream radar. Relative success to me sounded like having thousands of followers - enough to tour, play some festivals and release music regularly, maybe even making a few modest quid.

 

Secondly I really wanted to be successful with women. I wasn't hoping to emulate Hugh Hefner, but I wanted to enjoy success with women, their company, friendship, a sex life and all the enjoyments of succeeding with the opposite sex. At 31 I've barely known more than 10 women in my life and only enjoyed 1 year long relationship. Despite my talent and drive for music I'm still an obscure unsuccessful music artist, struggling to make inroads into an incredibly corrupt industry.

 

I have very little friends and a poor social life, but the 2 aforementioned factors I believe play key to my unhappiness and frustration.

Thanks everyone.

[Ms Darcy]

You are fortunate that you did have a relationship. Some people have not at your age. Remember past success with women means nothing in the present if you are alone.

[Blearn]

What do you mean?

[Anniemonica]

There has already been some brilliant advice given here, but my take. On this note:

 

. I am my own man and I see myself as an original. I'm not into the typical Northern English vein indie rock image, (attention seeking, local rock star proving tattoos included), and I also hate the generic macho-machismo imagery men & women around my part of the world seem to endorse, and therefore I am probably considered to be different from most.

 

Sometimes when I was growing up, I found the things I most hated sometimes found a place within me and changed internally. Perhaps there's a reason you despise this image. You should do something wild, like give yourself a fake tattoo and flex in the mirror and make fun of those people...or go to a rock concert and observe people. Maybe go to a gym and place yourself on a treadmill near those macho people you despise. Maybe there's a woman that has a streak of this in her out there for you that you would have dismissed earlier. If you actually channel what makes you passionate about "hating" it, maybe there's more behind the story...maybe fate has a plan to provide a yin to your yang.

 

If anything, if you find a chick who despises these things as much as you do, she'll get a kick out of the story of you trying to adapt to it.

[Anniemonica]

I'll look into the aforementioned link. God, I feel like I'm part of a freak show.

 

See, also this. You say you have confidence, which I believe, especially if you write music and perform. But your problem is stepping out of your comfort zone! I am 5'5" and think plenty of short guys are very hot, but I also feel self conscious being taller than them. Try it out!