buterkup Posted March 22, 2013 Author Share Posted March 22, 2013 Funny you say that, cause he has thrown up how I won't move in together about 20 times since this started being a problem. or says things like "just let me move in here and things will be much easier". He seems to really be dead set on living together. And he sent me a text today saying we need to just get married. He can be pushy. But I won't be pushed. I think his financial situation is overwhelming to him and he thinks moving in with someone will ease that burden. He keeps saying how it is easier with two people. But I am curious about how the "promise you won't break up with me over this" is manipulation. It doesn't feel right and I can't promise that, but can you shed some light on the manipulating factor. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
buterkup Posted March 22, 2013 Author Share Posted March 22, 2013 Maybe my question is... is it ridiculous of me to be this ticked off at him over this situation. He would NEVER be ok with me living with a woman and her boyfriend, unless I had no other choice. Yes, he claims he didn't know. But he should have looked more into this scenario before jumping in. He saw something shiny and ran. So now he is stuck. He took the lease after I just told him I would do my best. But honestly I am just ticked off at the total complication of my life, the double standard, and the fact that he can't just stand up to this roommate and tell the roommate he wasn't aware that this apartment came with a couple so some negotiating needs done. The girl still lives with her mother, but "stays" with her boyfriend. So he would rather me adjust than deal with the roommate. he did talk to the roommate but I know by boyfriend. he doesn't like confrontation so he just avoids it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
journeynow Posted March 22, 2013 Share Posted March 22, 2013 getting too old to waste time. I am 37. I was married for 16 years. this is my second relationship. He has changed some, but I don't know if he can do enough. been working on it for about a year now. just get tired of trying and waiting for trust to build enough. buterkup, it's unclear (and might be part of the whole picture), if you have been dating him seven years, are 37 now, and were married for 16 years, did you start seeing him while you were married? Or did you marry very young, at 14? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
buterkup Posted March 22, 2013 Author Share Posted March 22, 2013 buterkup, it's unclear (and might be part of the whole picture), if you have been dating him seven years, are 37 now, and were married for 16 years, did you start seeing him while you were married? Or did you marry very young, at 14? Actually all are true! sorry I seem to combine them out of habit. I was married for 12, dated my husband for 4 years before marriage. I did marry young. and I did start seeing this man while i was married. That is a whole different set of issues all by itself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
journeynow Posted March 22, 2013 Share Posted March 22, 2013 Ok. Thanks for clarifying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
buterkup Posted March 28, 2013 Author Share Posted March 28, 2013 is it wrong of me to set that boundary? I honestly feel that I no longer want this relationship if he moves in. I am not up for that challenge. my friends tell me this is setting my own personal boundaries and is not wrong. but he says it is wrong knowing he is stuck in a lease. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pl3asehelp Posted March 28, 2013 Share Posted March 28, 2013 It's never wrong to set your own boundaries and live by them. Otherwise you're just pushed through life by others stronger than you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
buterkup Posted March 28, 2013 Author Share Posted March 28, 2013 he uses excuses like " i've put up with this" or "i did this for you". Or "do you remember doing this", whenever I set a boundary he seems to totally push against it. All I can say to that is, those were your choices. He doesn't seem to have boundaries at all really. I did, lost them when we got together, now I am struggling to get some back! But he seems make it difficult when a boundary is set. it is almost as if he challenges it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pl3asehelp Posted March 28, 2013 Share Posted March 28, 2013 he uses excuses like " i've put up with this" or "i did this for you". Or "do you remember doing this", whenever I set a boundary he seems to totally push against it. All I can say to that is, those were your choices. He doesn't seem to have boundaries at all really. I did, lost them when we got together, now I am struggling to get some back! But he seems make it difficult when a boundary is set. it is almost as if he challenges it? Sounds like he neither respects you or sees you as an equal. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeatherB Posted March 28, 2013 Share Posted March 28, 2013 Where he lives is not part of your personal boundaries. You're entitled to state your opinion, but that's it. If you issue an ultimatum over this, I think you will regret it. He'll move anyway and you'll have to break up with him because you said you would (which I bet you don't do) or you'll eat your words and he'll take you that bit less seriously. You say he makes bad decisions. Well the best cure is to let him deal with the consequences. That's a way better deterrent than threats. You just have to trust that he's at least as smart as you are, just as capable of learning, and that he can figure it all out on his own. I mean, if you really do think he's stupid and in need of a keeper or babysitter, why be with him? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nutbrownhare Posted March 29, 2013 Share Posted March 29, 2013 If he lives in a small run-down flat in a bad neighbourhood and can't afford anything better, it's understandable that he's jumped at the chance of finding a better place to share. He's also asked to live with you, and you've declined. It's not pleasant living in an area where there's a constant threat of crime and you don't feel safe in your own home. I'm not understanding why you think it doesn't make sense. His initial plans were NOT to live with another woman, but a colleague. Actually, this is probably more likely to be successful than if he moved in with a proven friend - because each is more likely to be considerate towards the other because of that professional distance. Eight months is enough time to know whether it really, totally wouldn't work. Also, he will not be 'living with another woman', just sharing the same living space; this is not at all the same thing. And she's heavily pregnant, on the point of having a kid. Do you really suspect that he would be trying to have some liaison with her? Really? To be honest, it sounds as though the issues you have around this are more about control than about his welfare or the good of the relationship as a whole. You have expressed that 'he seemed to rush into something so important without forethought', but this doesn't affect you directly, does it? And actually it's not your place to decide what he should and shouldn't do. If he were moving in with a woman where there was a likelihood of a relationship, your concerns would be understandable - but he isn't. When you ask if you should be the 'understanding girlfriend', it is actually very clear that you are not. If you tried to pretend you were, your true feelings would come out one way or another. And even if you were ' understanding', and this scenario does turn into a mess, it's still his responsibility to get himself out of it. Just because it wasn't what he intended also doesn't necessarily mean that it'll be a mess, either. You should be asking if this is a relationship you should be in at all... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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