Is it all roses for the Dumper with the new person?

[secondchance67]

I agree 100% with this ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

 

Cut your losses, dust yourself off (and your self esteem and pride while you are at it) and chalk this up to a learning experience....a horrible and painful one, but a learning experience none the less.

 

Read your very own sig to yourself over and over.....let go of this and heal....seek shelter from the hurt hurricane you are exposing yourself to over and over.

 

At some point, all you will be, all your thoughts - your actions - everything you do will be about this one intolerable breakup that has forever hurt you, and how you just could not shake it....it will taint everything, and you wont really be living, but more merely exsisting in spite of it all.

I am guilty of it myself - holding onto this pain is a way of staying "emotionally connected" to her and the relationship.. it takes guts and bravery to step away and leave it in your past.

 

Do you have it in you?

 

I think you do.......but YOU have to think you do for your life to turn around......

[Slimpee]

Yeah, it's definitely hard, dude. And it will continue to be hard, but with time, the pain will dissipate and you'll look back and be proud of how far you've come.

 

Also, as bad as it hurts, remember that YOU control your reactions and YOU choose how to respond. You can wallow in self-pity or you can acknowledge that it hurts, allow yourself to feel the pain, but remain cognizant that you WILL move on and be stronger for it...

[Edmund Exley]

She lied, and cheated. Thats about as "wrong fit" as it gets.

 

As for the taking time to heal, sure it does, but constantly focusing on her sex life with the new guy is doing nothing to help that along. In fact, your delaying the ability to even start the healing process.

[FreeFallFeelin]

OMG ... Forgiveness? That is the craziest thing I HAVE EVER HEARD! We should find out where she lives and burn her at the stake.

 

There are really two tracks going on here. 1. Viewing the person 2. View Viewing the self within the context of the situation

 

 

I get all everything you wrote, and do agree. However, I think the mandate to "always be positive" falls short of acknowledging the full scope of human emotion. And timing is everything.

 

Being betrayed is terrible, and one of the sickest feelings ever, is to be in love with someone you know has done you wrong and to not be able to untangle those very strong emotions of love in crises and extreme anger. Early on in the healing process the tendency is to keep the ex on a pedestal, and a person must fight to degrade the "perfect" status of the ex. Telling someone to wish their ex well, whilst they are still shattered from betrayal is like giving a first grader an algebra problem to solve - it makes them feel like they're stupid or missing something when they can't work it out. It's the same with healing advice. Giving someone the ultimate Ghandi-esque advice may ring true and clear for people that aren't trying to crawl out from the pits of hell, but for those that are still in it, I think it requires a more commiserative "I know how you feel" approach. The high-level understanding will only come in time as things have settled. Until then, high-reaching mind sets are generally unattainable for those still trying to find their footing.

 

For so many months, when I first came to ENA, I could not even bare to read advice such as "let go with love", "wish your ex happiness", "stop thinking about it". It almost seemed like those people were telling me that I was an idiot for being so wrecked, though I now know that they were only trying to sum up the essence of what the end-all-be-all mind state is. But it was way too early for me to be hearing that advice put forth so nakedly. There was no connection between where I was (shattered) and where they were saying I needed to be (at peace and/or indifferent). I have sensed that it may be the same for Sportsguy.

 

Ms. Darcy, I may have come off pretty snarky with my quote-response to your post, but it was only that internal rage of mine, still fighting to find peace and indifference, that still gets ruffled when the healing experience is summed up in terse phrases, scoffing at the thought of wishing any cheating ex well. So for that I apologize. I have always appreciated your advice and obviously, you are a very wise cookie ;-)

 

Carry on.

[Ms Darcy]

I think time and the right mindset, remembering the red flags, will help me and thats the only thing that will bring me to that other perspective. Also the thoughts of knowing I deserve someone that actually wouldnt do this and that would be in my life and I wouldnt have to talk her into being with me rings true, and I know those type of people exist in this world, holding onto that hope will also help me.

 

Food for thought.

 

There are people, people on this forum even, who get into patterns of relationships. Some keep getting abused by partners, some keep getting cheated on by partners ... different partners. Does anyone ever deserve to be treated that way. Not once, not ever. Nope. But sometimes, it takes it happening two or three times for the person to say ... hmm ... I have some internal issues to deal with that are blocking my happiness.

 

A female poster from a few years back would always post about relationship woes ... particularly about guys who would come on strong and then leave suddenly. Kept happening to her. Obviously the first time it was like what?!? After the fourth it was like, OK this is NOT normal guy behavior. Anyway, she came to her own conclusion that she was pretty emotionally unavailable and chose guys who were too.

 

I do not think anyone is perfect in a relationship. I am not. In many ways, I think my bf has taught me a lot about approach and timing for important conversations, for example. Not being perfect doesn't mean I deserve bad things to happen to me. Never does. But it does mean I have things to work on and improve always.

 

If you are not growing you are dying.

 

And it's growth beyond "I'm going to the gym more and eating healthier" - which is important but not what I am referring to here. If you can honestly say prior to the end the relationship was all roses and you got along perfectly then I can tell you that you are going to keep having relationship problems.

 

I think this break up is a good opportunity to work on yourself. Not because you were wrong but because we as humans are imperfect. Growing helps us reach up - ideally for our own selves and sometimes for a new partner.

 

So, who the f- cares about who she's sleeping with or what she's doing. You need to sit down and think about you.

[sportsguy9981]

Im not saying another relationship is the cure, and I agree with you if that's what you're getting at.. but I really don't think that I can be completely over somebody by being alone. I can make alot of progress, and learn from the prior relationship, and learn to be very independent, but I think that finding that other person to confide in once you do those things, really is the best thing in the end.. as I said, once you allow yourself to heal as much as possible first and not just jump into a new relationship. I don't have a lot of friends here, I would ideally like to move but that's not an option quite yet... maybe I need some kind of big change like that to help me get over her, as Ive heard stories of people where it has helped. I think everybody has their own way of healing, and I think time is a big part of each person's story. I didn't say I was perfect in my relationship, and it definitely wasn't all roses before her and I broke up, it was a relationship where she was on a different page then me, she wasn't as invested it was obvious and I always thought she was learn to appreciate me and I always thought she would want the things I wanted since we spent so much time and energy together. I really hate it when people don't look at the whole relationship, they look at just the last few months, well maybe those didn't go exactly as planned, but that's no reason to give up on almost 5 years together...I understand some things are deal breakers, such as having sex with someone else, which I never did, but I think a lot of relationships could be worked out if people would just remember the honeymoon phase more and actually put some effort into the relationship... I think alot of times people think the grass is greener and they end up hurting their ex very much.

[sharky988]

I agree.

 

When I was married I used to think -- a bit smugly I now realize-- that my single friends must be somehow to blame for staying single year after year, breakup after breakup. I realized it was a lot more complicated after I was out there myself and dating again!

 

I wasn't suddenly less "developed" as an individual or less successful personally or professionally than when I had been married and in a working relationship for 20 years -- but when you're out there with new people, you realize how many people just cut and run when the honeymoon phase is over. Or people who are really good at hiding major flaws -- or who actually cheat on you and you have no idea it's going on for a long time! Unfortunately it's human nature to see the best in someone when we're first falling in love -- this is a universal trait and if your partner is very skilled at hiding their flaws or deceptions it can be a long time before you realize exactly who you're involved with.

 

I don't blame dumpees at all -- I think everyone who's putting themselves out there, risking the pain of rejection, is brave and awesome and worthy of so much respect. And yeah, I blame the dumpers for being dumpers and being shallow and lazy and not working things out and causing so much pain to the good people who love them and stick by them. They suck!! Hopefully they'll all get dumped themselves and get hurt badly enough so they STOP doing it someday.

 

You're going to find someone great sportsguy, don't give up! Take some time to heal then get back on the horse. You'll know when you're ready.

[PJA1982]

I read a whole lot of speculation about, lengths of time, honeymoon periods, perfect new boyfriend etc etc.... Truth is you're not dealing with it correctly. This is not abnormal however I hope you read your post back to yourself a year from now and laugh at yourself. I've done that in between the cringes as well. Simply, who cares about the ex and her current standing in life. Also, there is far more to life than sex. Unfortunately. You're feelings related to that are probably some intimacy/attachment/love complex that will fade with time.

[Ms Darcy]

"I don't think I can be completely over somebody by being alone." I think that's a very unfortunate and sad point of view to be honest. I personally do not feel like I need a relationship to be complete. I need friendships and familial connections, of course, but not necessarily a relationship. My grandmother was single for over 50 years and happy as a clam. But she lived in a very close community and had four kids.

 

The point I was getting at is you have to look inward. If you don't, you may find yourself in the same patterns (that people like to PM me about) over and over again.

 

And finally, not about you but about "the dumper is at fault" general philosophy. You have people who believe this to be true no matter what the relationship situation. Yes, everybody heals in their own way but I think some people don't heal. Healing is not a given. It's a subconscious shift that results from a conscious and subconscious actions and circumstances. So I would be wary of that philosophy in general because it's a good way to be very bitter and other-blaming for the rest of your life.

 

By the way, I asked my partner to look at your thread. He said: "Man, that guy just needs to stop focusing on women and start focusing on making friends. Relationships come and go, sadly. He sounds very alone." (He has a good way of getting at the point without a lot of words!)

[lancelot873]

I find myself wondering about this question a lot lately. it has been 2 weeks of NC and i am wondering all sorts of things. she broke up, and i feel like messaging her everyday or know how she is doing if she is happy with her decision, if she has fully moved on. so many questions and it is very unbearable

[sportsguy9981]

Ms Darcy, I agree that Im alone and need more friends, that's very true. I also think some people can really be happy without a relationship. I think that takes a very long time though after a long relationship, your grandma was lucky to have a close community to rely on and things keeping her busy in life, a lot of people arent so fortunate. I do however think most people want and need some kind of companionship in time, after they learn to be independent and experience that sort of life for awhile after a breakup. I guess if I had a balanced life I would have my job very important (its not a busy job in fact Im bored all the time at work), and my hobbies important (not much to do here in this small town), and my relationship wouldn't mean so much to me to be fully happy, but I think everybody is in a different situation in life and yes they shouldn't rely on one person for their happiness because like I found out it can be taken away from you at any time, even over the phone. I think I can get mostly happy alone... im not talking I will be miserable without a relationship, and honestly I haven't even dated anybody in 6 months so I haven't made it a priority to just find someone else, I have worked on myself and tried to be independent, but I think a lot of people who don't have many friends or a busy life find themselves struggling to "work" on themselves. I really do believe that I can get a lot better with friendships, I live in a small town without many people however, and its very difficult for me to meet new people here. Im alone a lot and I do suffer, at my age most people , 31, have kids and have significant others here... call it a small town culture if you want but that's what its like here and its hard to find somebody in my situation here. That's a part of my unhappiness and unfullfillness... I work here however and make decent money so I don't want to relocate yet... people ask me have I found somebody else yet and I say no I haven't, so when people ask that sort of thing I do think its normal to feel like once I have somebody else I'll be happy again, but I know that isn't the case and it takes a lot more then just that Im not stupid. My family also lives here so its difficult to move a long ways and leave them behind, but it may come down to that eventually in order to better myself. I don't think friends can really cure all of my unhappiness.. I think the right person will help complete me is all I ment... not totally fulfill me.

I didn't say in all situations that the dumper is the fault, that's not true at all... in my case, the way she broke up with me over the phone and leaved me like that, and the total disgregard for everything about me for the past year, I do believe she didn't put in the effort and therefore is at fault in my situation for it not working out. If I did it the right way, I would have left her, but once again I got too attached to her and I think that's part of who I am, I make that person my 1st priority in life and its wrong to do that if you are with someone who treats you so bad.

[Ms Darcy]

I hear you. I did not say you said that the dumper is always at fault. I said you did not say that ... just suggesting you be wary of that philosophy since it was suggested on the thread.

 

I don't think my grandmother was, lucky perse. She was pretty poor and uneducated and she left a husband who abused her and cheated on her. She was very STRONG and RESILIENT which is very different.

 

It may be that you are single for years. I think it would be great to find a way (mentally ... because it is all about perspective) to be happy.

 

I personally would not make a partner my #1 priority. That can lead to people pleasing and codependency. I am my first priority. Healthy selfishness can be key in long lasting relationships. You can be interdependent with your partner without losing yourself.

[90_hour_sleep]

nothing easy about any of this. your circumstances are difficult. you're in a situation where being alone is the default. it sucks. it does.

 

somewhere here there is an opportunity though. it's probably impossible for it to feel that way right now....but it's there. the opportunity is healing....real healing. it's what happens when you have no escape from yourself. there's wisdom in that. support is great. friends are great. new relationships are great. but if we haven't taken the time to heal...to deal with our hurt...our baggage...then those new connections are only comforting distractions. our pain is still there...waiting for the next trigger. i think that's what ms darcy is getting at in terms of growth. maybe this situation is what you need for your own growth. to get to a place where you can recognize a relationship that is healthy for you. that's where you'll find your happiness. not so Mich in a relationship...but knowing that you've had some self discovery that will allow you to thrive in a new relationship if you choose to be in one.

 

opportunity.

 

i dated someone for six years. she left. i stayed in the apartment we shared in a town of 5000...where the average person was married with two kids by 20. no friends. no connections. it was the worst thing I've ever been through. but it changed my life. i mean...really changed it. growth. it felt forced on me...but im so grateful now. you can fight and fight and fight. but at some point you'll give in to your pain. and if you have a desire to heal at that point...beyond what "feels good"...you will heal.

 

it's a process. i was there 4 years ago....and honestly...i think the bulk of my healing took 3 years. i let go of things along the way. met new people. dated. moved. all steps on the path. and I'm still growing. it's a choice though. and it doesnt always feel good.

 

i think you'll reach that point where you're tired of running around in circles. tired of playing the same thing on repeat in your head. no shame in breaking. in fact...i think it's probably essential.

 

you'll get there.

[sportsguy9981]

90 hour- I agree with what you're saying, it does kind of force you to look into yourself and not rely on those close relationship you once had when you're alone alot and dont have many friends. I still have close relationships with family still living in this town, so those relationships help me a great deal, as well as the people who have offered advice and support on this forum and through facebook, those people help more then I realize. I can now pretty much set my own course, discover where I want to be and what I want to do in my spare time, ideally Id like to meet new people and that may not occur in this town but Im deciding on where to move to in the future and trying to make the best of it here by doing whatever I can.

 

Ms Darcy, I didnt say your grandma was lucky to have got out of her relationship, I ment lucky to have the friendships she relied on, some people dont have a close network of friends like that. Of course she was really strong to get out of an abusive relationship, thats obvious.

[stranger88]

And yeah, I blame the dumpers for being dumpers and being shallow and lazy and not working things out and causing so much pain to the good people who love them and stick by them. They suck!! Hopefully they'll all get dumped themselves and get hurt badly enough so they STOP doing it someday.

 

The one thing I cannot universally understand is how dumpers can do it without any humility sometimes.

 

I'm not referring to a specific relationship, but ive dumped and ive been dumped. When i've dumped someone if it was someone I stayed with for any period of time and got to know well it still killed me, but I often realized it was better for them to be with someone else. And I don't rebound and don't play the field, I let myself heal first.

 

Yet nearly every time ive been the dumpee it never creases to amaze me just how hurtful the other person can be and how they will be rebounding within a week usually.

 

I guess I just don't understand how people can be so cold hearted. Maybe I just get overly attached.

[sharky988]

90 hour- I agree with what you're saying, it does kind of force you to look into yourself and not rely on those close relationship you once had when you're alone alot and dont have many friends. I still have close relationships with family still living in this town, so those relationships help me a great deal, as well as the people who have offered advice and support on this forum and through facebook, those people help more then I realize. I can now pretty much set my own course, discover where I want to be and what I want to do in my spare time, ideally Id like to meet new people and that may not occur in this town but Im deciding on where to move to in the future and trying to make the best of it here by doing whatever I can.

 

Sportsguy, I can really empathize with your situation as I'm stuck in an extremely remote and boring town for the next two years while my son finishes up school here -- and there's absolutely nobody here I'd be interested in dating. I've made friends here, but we're moving as soon as soon as he's done -- for social and career reasons, but also mostly to meet someone.

 

I don't think it's unusual AT ALL to feel incomplete in some ways without a committed romantic relationship in your life. I think most people feel that way, it's human nature. Our society is pretty much built on it -- most people plan their entire lives around having such a relationship and getting married and raising kids, etc.