Edmund Exley Posted March 19, 2013 Share Posted March 19, 2013 I have told him how much it upsets me when he calls me this stuff but he just says ''if you didn't do it I wouldn't have to say it'' etc. He's very dominant and i'm naturally really unconfrontational and peaceful so it's not easy to stand up to him. Actually he isnt dominant at all. He is very insecure so he wants you to feel bad about yourself. Nothing you do deserves to be called names for. Do yourself a favor, lose this clown and find a man who actually knows how to treat a human being. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Edmund Exley Posted March 19, 2013 Share Posted March 19, 2013 The story I told you, she is my step daughter and her real father is exactly like your boyfriend. My wife told me he would use the same excuses to treat her the way your being treated - trust issues for the jealousy, and its your fault I have to call you names for the name calling. My wife lived like that for 14 long years because she wanted to avoid conflict for the kids. It ruined her self-esteem and we are slowly rebuilding it. It is why we are adamant not to let our daughter allow anyone to treat her this way. Do yourself a favor, leave while your self-esteem is still intact. When my wife left, she said her ex cried like a 5 year old and begged her not to go. Big tough guy, huh Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatwasThen Posted March 19, 2013 Share Posted March 19, 2013 Listen, love. Break up with this boy before you get yourself any further involved with him. If you stay then you enable him to be the insecure, jealous and abusive person he's become. What does your own parents say about the way he treats you? If you stay any longer, if you try to change him up by "disobeying" him or trying to shock him out of his ways, I'm seriously afraid that he will escalate his emotional and verbal abuse to the physical. Google "Cycle of abuse" and see what I'm talking about. The very first thing an abuser will do is verbally try to make you feel that he's the only one that would have you and then try to isolate you from friends and family so that you don't have anyone telling you what a dysfunctional creep he is. Don't stay until you're own self-esteem has been whittled away one abusive attack at a time. This isn't innocous stuff he's laying on you. Heed all the red flags. You're far too intelligent and worthy to stay with someone like him. KNOW that and get yourself out now. There is someone else out there who is meant to be your life partner. Don't stick around for an abusiver filler who will tear you down. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
calichick007 Posted March 19, 2013 Share Posted March 19, 2013 You won't answer whether he is physically abusive, but this: anyway he went to work without a goodbye and this evening it'll probably be much worse. ... is what made me ask. I hope that you find the strength to walk away from this relationship. This is not what love looks like, and you deserve so much better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
miss1993 Posted March 19, 2013 Author Share Posted March 19, 2013 Thanks everyone, taking on board this Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Edmund Exley Posted March 19, 2013 Share Posted March 19, 2013 ThatWasThen is spot on about how the abuse cycle works Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatwasThen Posted March 19, 2013 Share Posted March 19, 2013 Edmund is also spot on in what he's posted as well: Seriously do take all that's been said in your thread on board... and don't forget to read about abusive behaviour. Educate yourself so you don't start wondering if it's all your fault. You already are doing that by asking in this thread if you were right or wrong. Of course you were'nt wrong to get a ride with someone on a cold dark and rainy night that was totally innocent and good. Your current choice of partner is the only place where you're wrong. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Edmund Exley Posted March 19, 2013 Share Posted March 19, 2013 link removed I bet you can find a lot of your boyfriend in this wheel Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatwasThen Posted March 19, 2013 Share Posted March 19, 2013 ..... You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Edmund Exley again. ..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Edmund Exley Posted March 19, 2013 Share Posted March 19, 2013 Thanks for the effort Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
miss1993 Posted March 19, 2013 Author Share Posted March 19, 2013 Things just came to a head a bit. He called on his break from work and said that he understands if I felt it was justified me getting a ride home instead of the train, but he wanted to know if I thought I was right not to ask permission first. I think he was expecting me to say ''no I'm sorry I should have asked'' but I was confident and said I don't feel I had done anything wrong and shouldn't have to ask his permission. He accused me of trying to ''compete'' by bringing up him dropping girls home from work but I was only trying to show that it's unfair to have double standards. He said ''I know it's unfair but that's just how I am''. Anyway he said ''fine, you did that now watch what I do'' and he hung the phone up. This threatening kind of behaviour is typical of him...he says if someone does something to him he'll do something worse, it's the kind of philosophy I hate but the kind of one which he lives by. I know you must all think I'm ridiculous for putting up with this but it really is harder to walk away from than it seems. And the calm before/after the storm when he's the most gentle, loving person makes me forget about the bad times too. I text him after he hung up on me and told him that he's being silly and unfair and his trust issues will end up killing our relationship. No reply but like I said it will get worse later and I have to try not to give in to the temptation of saying sorry just so that it stops the conflict. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhowe Posted March 19, 2013 Share Posted March 19, 2013 The calm before/after storm is all part of the abuse cycle. Retaliatory behavior from someone who "loves" you....you may need to re-examine your definition of love. You did nothing "to" him --- you got a safe, responsible ride home. I have to say....what relationship? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
calichick007 Posted March 19, 2013 Share Posted March 19, 2013 Do any of your friends or family know how poorly he treats you? Does he have an issue with you spending time/communicating with your family without him present, too? I'd imagine the reason he doesn't want you hanging out with your friends alone is because he's afraid you'll be honest about your relationship and they will (rightfully) encourage you to leave him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted March 19, 2013 Share Posted March 19, 2013 I agree with the others and while it's nice to be honest this wasn't about honesty- you chose to share information that was only relevant because of the issues your boyfriend has - if he'd been reasonable about your accepting a lift from a male friend then you wouldn't have felt the need to tell him to avoid him finding out later -because if he had it would have been no big deal or he would have been really happy you got a lift. Be careful about distinguishing between "I told him because I'm an honest person" and "I told him as fast as I could so that in case he found out later or a different way he wouldn't be even more upset with me". When you view it as the latter you see how unhealthy his behavior is. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatwasThen Posted March 19, 2013 Share Posted March 19, 2013 This is a very bad thing to hear you say, Miss. When one loves themselves and has good self-worth and respect, it may be hard to leave (because you think it's love) but you leave anyway because to stay with someone who abuses you, is to enable them to abuse you which in turns mean you don't love yourself enough and that you think you don't deserve to be treated with love and respect. If you do anything. I suggest you go to your school councellor and tell them you'd like a few sessions with your schools psychologist and tell him whats been going on that your codependency is causing you to be afraid to leave an abuser. Then tell your parents that you've found yourself in love with an abuser and will they help you disengage from him. People leave people they love everyday when it's not in their best interests to stay. Think of the spouses of alchoholics, drug abusers and those that have been the victims of infidelity. They're gone away from people they love and are working towards finding someone who will respect them and love them without the abuse. They leave because they love and respect themselves enough to not settle for such a horrible "love" as the one you describe. You obviously have NOT read any links to abusive partnerships have you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
metrogirl Posted March 19, 2013 Share Posted March 19, 2013 Anyway he said ''fine, you did that now watch what I do'' and he hung the phone up. This threatening kind of behaviour is typical of him Scary..... Would you care to guess at how many of us here were/are victims of an abusive man such as yours? This is why so many of us here have been able to tell you exactly how things will proceed because we've been where you are. Some may still be in your situation unsure if they are ready or able to leave, others such as myself flew that crazy coop a long time ago. My sanity and well being were far too important. There's literally millions of men out there, many of them don't treat women this way. Just a thought. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatwasThen Posted March 19, 2013 Share Posted March 19, 2013 I have been happily married for more years then the Op has been born however: Before I married my hubby, I went out with a man that came close to maintaining me in a relationship like the op's. I loved myself enough to be wary of the red flags of trying to control me and isolate me from my friends... It became very clear the type of man he was and when he nearly hit me for looking at another mans ass in tight jeans... that very night i told him to never contact me again wherein I had to get my brother involved to tell him to stop trying to get back with me becuase it wasn't going to happen. After coming to terms with the ending and healing and knowing without a doubt that I deserved more than what I was being given... I met a wonderful, loving man who treats me as his equal in love and life. Op>.... get OUT now before you find it harder and harder as he brainwashes you into being addicted to the "calms" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Edmund Exley Posted March 19, 2013 Share Posted March 19, 2013 Things just came to a head a bit. He called on his break from work and said that he understands if I felt it was justified me getting a ride home instead of the train, but he wanted to know if I thought I was right not to ask permission first. I think he was expecting me to say ''no I'm sorry I should have asked'' but I was confident and said I don't feel I had done anything wrong and shouldn't have to ask his permission. He accused me of trying to ''compete'' by bringing up him dropping girls home from work but I was only trying to show that it's unfair to have double standards. He said ''I know it's unfair but that's just how I am''. In other words "Shut up and deal with it" Anyway he said ''fine, you did that now watch what I do'' and he hung the phone up. This threatening kind of behaviour is typical of him...he says if someone does something to him he'll do something worse, it's the kind of philosophy I hate but the kind of one which he lives by. I know you must all think I'm ridiculous for putting up with this but it really is harder to walk away from than it seems. And the calm before/after the storm when he's the most gentle, loving person makes me forget about the bad times too. Its called the Honeymoon Phase of Abuse. Read this one - link removed I text him after he hung up on me and told him that he's being silly and unfair and his trust issues will end up killing our relationship. No reply but like I said it will get worse later and I have to try not to give in to the temptation of saying sorry just so that it stops the conflict. You handed the power you took by putting your foot down right back to him by trying to reason with him. Big mistake. You wasted your time telling him he was wrong. You panicked because he threatened "to see what he does". Thats what children do when adults warn them about bad behaviour. They test the warning to see if its sincere. You showed him it wasnt. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Edmund Exley Posted March 19, 2013 Share Posted March 19, 2013 You need to understand too that he may not be conciously aware he is an abuser. In his mind, this is how a relationship works. Also, he is aware he has trust issues, and uses them as an excuse rather than fixes them which tells me he has no intent on changing anything. Again, please leave this guy while you still have the shred of self-esteem you showed by looking for advice here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rosasnyder811 Posted March 19, 2013 Share Posted March 19, 2013 He sounds controlling, and he has no right to tell you who you can or cannot hang out with- male or female. Period. Especially if he is doing the same thing himself. He's a hypocrite. Let him continue with his childish behavior and find someone that suits your maturity. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superfan Posted March 19, 2013 Share Posted March 19, 2013 I second what everybody else here has said: Get out of this relationship and do it now before the mental and emotional abuse (and this IS abuse) becomes physical abuse. And it will because as others have said: this is a cycle. My best friend was married to a man and the abuse pattern was the same. It started out that he treated her very well. He was always telling her how much he cared, how much she meant to him, etc. Eventually he began expressing "concern" for her hanging out with her friends (like me and my other good friend) because we were single at the time and she was not and therefore we were "bad influences". He began to limit the amount of time she was "allowed" to see us. By this point she was living with him. He began to say things to her about her actions, about the clothes she wore, the makeup she put on. I was about to graduate high school (my friend is 6 years older than me) and I invited her to a graduation party I was having. She had married him by this point and had to inform me that she wasn't sure she would be "allowed" to come, because there would be "other guys there" (note: I invited him too). These "other guys" were my age - around 18 and my friend at the time was 25. Eventually he "allowed" her to come, but she wasn't "allowed" to wear shorts or a skirt or swim in my pool in case the other guys looked at her. It was July. This eventually lead to physical abuse and she left him finally when it went too far but it took years for her to rebuild the self esteem that he tore down systematically and piece by piece. You do not have to "ask" permission to do anything, and having "trust issues" does not excuse that kind of controlling behavior. It just doesn't. My husband does NOT like me walking home at night, so if I a male friend offered me a ride instead of me having to take public transport he would be thrilled that I got home safely and warmly. Why? Because he cares about ME - my safety and my well being. His own insecurities should not be taking precedence over your own safety. The fact that they are, says it all. You need to leave him. It WILL get worse. Don't ASK him if you can go visit your friend - it's none of his business. Isolating you from friends and family is something abusers do in order to increase their control over the person being abused. Eventually that person feels like they have nobody they can go to for help and therefore cannot escape their situation. He is afraid that your friends will see what is going on and tell you to get out. They would be right. LEAVE HIM. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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