Batya33 Posted March 17, 2013 Share Posted March 17, 2013 I think an issue is that when a person is smitten they might not be thinking clearly about how often to contact so it doesn't hurt to have some guidelines. You're not really yourself when you're smitten and it might overwhelm the other person. When I was in my 20s -before cell phones, internet even voicemail to some extent it was fine to wait up to a week to contact. I don't think these days the call has to be made the very next day but I would think within a few days of the date. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeatherB Posted March 17, 2013 Share Posted March 17, 2013 Because it implies you are shallow and are trying to get something from her. If you don't know her yet, how can you love her yet? The butterflies and giddiness you feel come from a combination of novelty and super intense lust. Your body is telling you to mix your genes with hers NOW! The drive to procreate has nothing to do with who she really is as a person. If you call that romantic love, instead of just accepting and rolling with your body's natural reaction to a stunning individual, you will come accross as incongruent and even dishonest about your intentions. Romantic love uses your higher brain functions. Until you get to know someone, your positive reaction is just instinct. Intense instinct that feels as compelling as love, but not love. And having a guy tell you he really really really really really wants to jump your bones isn't all that intriguing. Especially if he can't stop repeating himself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JNapier24 Posted March 17, 2013 Share Posted March 17, 2013 Who said anything about love? I said that if you LIKE a girl and tell her that you LIKE her. Also, surely it is wrong to automatically think a guy just wants you for sex if he says he likes you and thinks you are beautiful and would love the chance to get to know you? If so then I really have nothing else to say..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeatherB Posted March 17, 2013 Share Posted March 17, 2013 If it's just like, then he can take me or leave me, right? Liking someone lacks intensity. When you like someone, it's not necessary to announce it or go very far out of your way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JNapier24 Posted March 17, 2013 Share Posted March 17, 2013 I think an issue is that when a person is smitten they might not be thinking clearly about how often to contact so it doesn't hurt to have some guidelines. You're not really yourself when you're smitten and it might overwhelm the other person. When I was in my 20s -before cell phones, internet even voicemail to some extent it was fine to wait up to a week to contact. I don't think these days the call has to be made the very next day but I would think within a few days of the date. Yes just as you said, when you are smitten or you like someone, you may not act yourself, you may even overwhelm the other person. However, rather than running for the hills why can't people just try and see things from the other persons perspective and maybe give them a chance. Maybe the person appearing to "come on too strong" is simply just inexperienced and therefore thinks that rather than coming on too strong, they are showing that they are genuinely interested. Or maybe they have never been made to feel this way before and so act slightly differently. I think there are so many ****s and phonies out there, on both sides, that genuine, upfront, honest, caring people can get misunderstood or misinterpreted and blown off too quickly just because they maybe don't give the "generally accepted weeks buffer zone" before calling after a date or because they tell a girl they like her too early rather than just "playing it cool". When a guy tells a girl he likes her, he doesn't necessarily mean that he is imagining marrying her and spending the rest of their lives together and that he needs to spend every waking moment with her. It is meant as a compliment, well it should be, and should therefore be taken as one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JNapier24 Posted March 17, 2013 Share Posted March 17, 2013 If it's just like, then he can take me or leave me, right? Liking someone lacks intensity. When you like someone, it's not necessary to announce it or go very far out of your way. Look, I am not experienced with this at all but what I do know is you cannot love someone, and I mean truly love someone unless you know them inside out, know everything about them and love them for their uniqueness, love them because of all their little "faults/flaws" not in spite of them. That therefore means that saying you like a girl, early on, means that you would like to/want to, get to know them/get to know them more because you think they may just be worth it. It does not mean "yeah you are alright but I can take it or leave it" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JNapier24 Posted March 17, 2013 Share Posted March 17, 2013 If it's just like, then he can take me or leave me, right? Liking someone lacks intensity. When you like someone, it's not necessary to announce it or go very far out of your way. So basically, with you, you are indifferent about a guy that you are dating until BANG you love him? You never like and then really like because that means nothing...... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsallgrand Posted March 17, 2013 Share Posted March 17, 2013 I think the initial post reflects a fear of being rejected. Sure, if you do nothing, and let a man "do all the chasing", it is "safe" in a certain way. In the way that, you know that the man has an interest. What sort of interest is left to be seen, and whether it is genuine is left to be seen, and whether it is a kind of interest that is healthy (reciprocal) is left to be seen. I think you learn a lot by showing healthy interest in a man. On what he is truly interested in, how invested he is in the idea of a "challenge, chase", and a lot of other things. It's an extremely passive approach to courtship, and wouldn't work for me. That doesn't mean it couldn't work for some people. I simply think equating "letting him do all the work" with interest and/or a relationship being successful, is inaccurate. I wouldn't call it playing games so much, as a fear of putting oneself out there. People get rejected, such is life. I say, bring it on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted March 17, 2013 Share Posted March 17, 2013 But too much contacting from an insecure/needy perspective (because you're infatuated) is kind of selfish - it's far more about getting your needs met than getting to know the other person. And if the insecurity is from the temporary "insanity" of smittendom that's not really about knowing the person. Obviously it's all a matter of degree.I have definitely felt turned off by "too much too soon" - it is uncomfortable, kind of smells is the best way I can put it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeatherB Posted March 17, 2013 Share Posted March 17, 2013 So basically, with you, you are indifferent about a guy that you are dating until BANG you love him? You never like and then really like because that means nothing...... Me personally? You really want to know? It's very complicated. When I look back at my reactions to guys when I was dating... Thumbs up or thumbs down on how he looks and presents himself. Intellectually interested in what he's all about or not? Do I think he might ever like me? Up til here, I really can take him or leave him. Do I feel excited and extra alive when I'm around him? Now I start liking him and become gradually less indifferent. I feel good around him and I want to keep feeling good. Once I start liking him, then I also start the unhealthy stuff: fantasizing about him. Making up stories based on sketchy information I've gathered about him. Making him into someone he's not. Someone perfect for me. I fall for the imaginary version of him. My interest spikes into the realm of the unrealistic. I feel needy and unsure of myself. But I keep this all to myself. Thankfully, before making a complete fool of myself, I come to my senses and pull back. (When I was very young, I didn't know to do this.) Over time, he wins me over and becomes a friend + sexiness, or not. Genuine liking grows. And as liking grows, the potential for love grows. Either something happens to show me he's not the one for me, or the liking gets so big and our destinies are clearly so compatible that it becomes love. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostnscared Posted March 17, 2013 Author Share Posted March 17, 2013 Yes I admit that some of this method does stem from a fear of rejection. But also think it's a way for a woman to weed out men that aren't truly interested in her and also to not get too emotionally invested too soon. As I said, women can be emotional creatures, we can easily find ourselves putting our eggs into one basket and liking a guy far too much than we should for the time period we've known him. For instance how many threads do you see on here, where women are freaking out because they really really liked a guy that they only went on 1-3 dates with or they are freaking out because he stopped texting her EVERY day and/or he isn't responding to her advances on him(her asking for commitment or where they stand, her asking him why he doesn't want sex, etc). When a woman(or a man even) pulls back and relaxes and allows the other person to "court" them(so to speak) it's far more likely that they won't engage in what I describe as clingy behaviors that aren't known to scare another person off. It also protects that particular person from investing in someone who really isn't all that interested. And yes it is a passive approach... But it is, after all, how things USED to be done. So I don't think it's necessarily bad. However, I do think that in some ways, it can backfire depending on the man and the woman even. Not every woman wants to sit back and "wait" and not every man is willing to chase for so long, even if he TRULY is interested. But like you said--it isn't something you could do. And to me as long as one is comfortable with whatever works for them and whatever they are doing IS in fact working for them, then I don't see why they need to become passive. But if your like that OP in the other forum who had a history of coming on strong, or doing too much too soon, then my advice of sitting back and allowing the man to take the lead may be a better approach(especially if you know that you aren't able to keep your emotions in check). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JNapier24 Posted March 17, 2013 Share Posted March 17, 2013 But too much contacting from an insecure/needy perspective (because you're infatuated) is kind of selfish - it's far more about getting your needs met than getting to know the other person. And if the insecurity is from the temporary "insanity" of smittendom that's not really about knowing the person. Obviously it's all a matter of degree.I have definitely felt turned off by "too much too soon" - it is uncomfortable, kind of smells is the best way I can put it. This is sort of getting away from what I was initially getting at. If you read my initial post I said that granted, texting or calling everyday or asking to spend every waking minute with someone is too much, especially early on. What I said was how come, by being upfront and honest right from the start, saying that you like a girl and therefore would like the chance to get to know her, this can scare her off instead of her just giving the guy a chance that maybe just this guy is genuine, this guy cares and yes maybe he is too inexperienced to know that maybe he said he liked the girl too soon but come on its not like he just met someone and said "oh by the way I love you and have for years" Also, contacting someone to try and take them out or meet up for a chat shows that you are actively trying to get to know them, so this point is completely invalid. Also, did I not state earlier that you cannot make someone as being insecure/needy from their initial actions, you can only tell this once you have begun to get to know them. There are many other reasons as to why someone might come on too strong in the beginning so why is it automatic to jump to the needy, clingy person conclusion. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JNapier24 Posted March 17, 2013 Share Posted March 17, 2013 Okay that all sounds pretty normal, so why did you jump on the whole liking thing then? I don't get it. I thing you assumed I said love rather than like Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsallgrand Posted March 17, 2013 Share Posted March 17, 2013 So basically you are trying to antidote against too strong and too emotional behaviors by women in dating early on. See, it wouldn't apply to me personally. Because a)I'm a fairly aggressive personality to begin with, and if that turns a man off, we wouldn't work out long term anyways b)I don't get emotionally attached easily, and it takes me a long time (not worried about putting my eggs in one basket, if anything, worried about not being able to commit before the guy loses patience with me) c) I do understand that it takes balance, and that all people - men and women, but sometimes men in particular - enjoy feeling like they are making choices of their own free will, not feeling pressured or even bullied into a response. that is always a turn off! So I get what you saying, but at the end of the day, a person has to be real (genuine) while remembering, genuine and being real doesn't mean just doing what ever your feelings or personality 'tells you' at any given point. lol. Have to consider that you are interacting with another human being, with their place and feelings and choices all along the way, and let things happen without trying to force them. No matter the personality type though, I think what Batya said is universal, in that all of us can be prone to acting a little unusual when smitten. But that's our responsibility to handle, not someone else's. We can go round and round on the details, but healthy relationships have a lot of the same qualities, regardless of how people arrive there. That's what I try to focus on now. Mutual interest, mutual respect, mutual communication, mutual care. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JNapier24 Posted March 17, 2013 Share Posted March 17, 2013 But if your like that OP in the other forum who had a history of coming on strong, or doing too much too soon, then my advice of sitting back and allowing the man to take the lead may be a better approach(especially if you know that you aren't able to keep your emotions in check). Hmmmm, me being the OP in that other forum?? If so, there is no history of coming on too strong or doing too much too soon. It happened once, my only attempt. And it has put me off forever. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostnscared Posted March 17, 2013 Author Share Posted March 17, 2013 Hmmmm, me being the OP in that other forum?? If so, there is no history of coming on too strong or doing too much too soon. It happened once, my only attempt. And it has put me off forever. I'm not talking about you. I'm talking about a woman in another forum lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeatherB Posted March 17, 2013 Share Posted March 17, 2013 Okay that all sounds pretty normal, so why did you jump on the whole liking thing then? I don't get it. I thing you assumed I said love rather than like I said romantic love. The concept of romantic love. Romantic interest. Romance. I suppose romantic like fits in there as well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JNapier24 Posted March 17, 2013 Share Posted March 17, 2013 I'm not talking about you. I'm talking about a woman in another forum lol Ah, just checking. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JNapier24 Posted March 17, 2013 Share Posted March 17, 2013 I said romantic love. The concept of romantic love. Romantic interest. Romance. I suppose romantic like fits in there as well. Yes but I said, how come a girl can scare off if a guy tells her he likes her. Then you said something along the lines of how can you love someone you have only met or something along those lines..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostnscared Posted March 17, 2013 Author Share Posted March 17, 2013 Yep you get what I'm saying. I have a friend who is like you(more aggressive personality) but unlike you she tends to want to commit to every guy she meets that she really likes and has a habit of coming on far too strong. When she asked me for advice, I just told her to make it a rule that if you've only had 1-3 dates with a guy (if she REALLY wants to) to give him at least 4-5 days before she contacts him again(this gives him time to contact her if he wants, but also gives him enough space so that if he doesn't initiate contact again that at least he knows that she is okay with giving him breathing room but also wants to express that she likes him). By date 4, if she wants to contact him 2x a week then I see nothing wrong with that... But I know that she usually gets frustrated when a guy isn't contacting her everyday EVEN if they've only went on a couple of dates. And I think it's because she doesn't understand that even if she wants to talk to him a lot, she needs to respect that he has his own separate life, they are still getting to know each other and that men need breathing room. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsallgrand Posted March 17, 2013 Share Posted March 17, 2013 ^that makes sense! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted March 17, 2013 Share Posted March 17, 2013 I agree with what you wrote except that I think first impressions are really important and not just in dating situations. I wouldn't necessarily jump to the conclusion that a person who was being too clingy when he first met me must be insecure but I would be turned off just like many people I know. If he explained to me "I'm usually not like this, I'm just really excited about you" that would help but I would still wonder why as an adult he would choose to react to those feelings by overdoing the contacting, etc. I once went out with a guy who called me 6 times the day of our first date to tell me how much he was looking forward to it. I was really tempted to cancel despite not jumping to any conclusions as to why- the "why" didn't really matter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JNapier24 Posted March 17, 2013 Share Posted March 17, 2013 I agree with what you wrote except that I think first impressions are really important and not just in dating situations. I wouldn't necessarily jump to the conclusion that a person who was being too clingy when he first met me must be insecure but I would be turned off just like many people I know. If he explained to me "I'm usually not like this, I'm just really excited about you" that would help but I would still wonder why as an adult he would choose to react to those feelings by overdoing the contacting, etc. I once went out with a guy who called me 6 times the day of our first date to tell me how much he was looking forward to it. I was really tempted to cancel despite not jumping to any conclusions as to why- the "why" didn't really matter. We are referring to completely different situations. Yes phoning you 6 times on the day of your first date would for me, lead to a cancellation. That is utterly ridiculous. I am talking about telling a girl you like her and then because it has been taken to be too soon or you "coming on too strong" it scares her off. Do you continue to chase this girl if you believe her to be worth it or do you give her some time and space or do you give up. Yes first impressions are really important but sometimes they can be misleading like if a guy "comes on too strong", not by contacting a girl 100 times a day, but by telling her he likes her or that he thinks she is beautiful and he would love the chance to get to know her and take her out, then yes it may look like he is needy or a bit of a weirdo but odds are he is just being genuine or he is inexperienced. Even adults can be react to feelings of excitement. It all depends on their level of experience or even just the way they are made to feel by a certain person Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rosephase Posted March 17, 2013 Share Posted March 17, 2013 I think it's really about the type of person you want to be with. I'm an aggressive person. I go after the things I want. And yeah that has lead to a lot of rejection, particularly when I was younger and couldn't tell when people liked me. Now that I have self esteem and know how people work better I don't deal with a lot of rejection. My major long term relationships have all started with me pursuing because that is what I do when I like someone. I am honest about who I am and what I want and if that scares some people off, they aren't the right people for me. If I guy is turned off because I want to have sex with him then he isn't the right guy. If a guy is turned off because I've become really attached to him and it makes him uncomfortable then he isn't the right guy. But like I said I haven't really run into anyone like that past the age of 21 because I started to value myself and my values. as well as stopping this thing where we pretend we don't know if someone likes us. I can tell when someone likes me and to be honest I'm not interested in anyone who isn't excited by me. It just took me awhile to figure out what that looked like and what I wanted. I pursue, that's just who I am. And if I played games I think I would end up with the wrong guy for me. Playing games is just pretending to be someone you aren't. And yeah being insecure and clingy isn't that attractive. But pretending to not be insecure and clingy is just lying about where you are emotionally and psychologically and lying about who you are isn't going to lead to a healthy relationship. Playing games is a waste of time and leads the other person to believe you are different then the way you are. If you don't want to appear available get a life. If you don't want to get to invested to fast, don't lie and pretend to not be invested be honest with the other person about your fears/desires/hopes bla bla bla If you want to find someone who loves YOU, you have to be you. If you want to change who you are, work on that not on pretending to be that person already. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted March 17, 2013 Share Posted March 17, 2013 I don't consider your situation to be one where the guy is chasing or being overwhelming. It depends how he says it, when, in what context. I don't think the guy in your scenario should chase the woman in question. He should continue to contact her and ask her out and see what happens. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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