What to say when ex asks how are you?

[MasterPo]

I know what the pain you're talking about feels like. Believe me. I'm a successful man. I was mortified that some girl could along and completely devastate my world.

But whether you're going to live WITH her or WITHOUT her, you need to get back on your damn feet.

 

Yeah..pretty much. Got to can the 'woulda..shoulda.. coulda'. I wish you luck.

[force]

Tough one. I'll tell you what though, I text someone I was interested in and obsessed over what to say and you know what, she never responded. You know what that did? It made me obsess over her more. Then 2 days later I get a response and you know what? I was so excited and could only stand to wait an hour to text her back. Then I got no response again. When I met this person I wasn't attracted at all, but she was to me. Then the tables turned when she went from clingy to not that interested, then I became interested then the attraction started to build.

 

So yeah, ignore this one, but if she texts again respond a day later. Or if you insist on responding now, wait a couple days and if she emails back, ignore it Ah games...

[Shane Falco]

Shack, please listen to olesun.

[shackazu]

So, we have just casually continued our email exchange. I can't tell if she is as into it as me though...the past two emails have been me asking a question and her answering, but not really opening up the conversation any more.

 

I know this is focusing on the past and trying to figure out her thoughts but... I do wish that at the time of breakup/during one of our ensuing conversations I had asked what she wanted--I do honestly believe that she truly wanted to stay emotionally close, and I don't understand how one can want to keep that level of closeness with an ex but still break up? Anyway, the difference is now after the two times I "freaked out" and removed her from facebook and went silent for a month (which probably didn't help the rapport between us), I'm not sure if I am getting that vibe anymore from her, or if she is just treating this as politely responding to my emails.

 

But whatever, things take time, and like you guys, Olesun, Shane especially, have said, I need to not be impatient or overanalyze or rush anything. So as long as this line of communication continues I will let it. And then give it a week or so and approach her again, etc. All while seeing this counselor and really working on myself.

[shackazu]

Well, she has stopped replying once I asked a more conversation opening question. Guess she was really just being polite and doesn't even want to be friends anymore.

 

Each time I went NC for a month, or even the times when I pulled back a little thinking she might need space, she became even more distanced from me than before. NC ruined any chance I might have had at reconciliation with her. At this point, I think she is just indifferent towards me, and just doesn't care anymore.

 

I will just have to work on myself for me and me only now.

[Shane Falco]

Well, she has stopped replying once I asked a more conversation opening question. Guess she was really just being polite and doesn't even want to be friends anymore.

 

Each time I went NC for a month, or even the times when I pulled back a little thinking she might need space, she became even more distanced from me than before. NC ruined any chance I might have had at reconciliation with her. At this point, I think she is just indifferent towards me, and just doesn't care anymore.

 

I will just have to work on myself for me and me only now.

 

Dude, you just don't get it. NC wasn't why you aren't together. You aren't together because you haven't done crap in six months to fix the issues on your end and you keep going in circles because of it. And right after olesun specifically told you to stop trying to read the tea leaves and guess what she is thinking, there you go doing it again multiple times in this post. YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT SHE'S THINKING, SO STOP TRYING TO GUESS! Every time you do this you are kicking yourself in the face. So stop. Work on what you are doing and stop trying to get a read on what she is doing. You are a crappy detective -- which is fine, most of us are. Work on you first. Once you do that, then you can make progress with her, or with someone else if you should decide that's the best way to go.

 

One thing you've said over and over is that she told you a few months ago that you could have won her back had you traveled or done this, that or the other. However, what you don't seem to understand (and why I don't think you had a chance in hell) is that you would have needed to act like the confident shack she fell in love with during that window, not the blubbery, overanalyzing, paranoid, emotional mess you've become. You keep trying to blame your shortcomings on the process when in fact it was the way you were acting and thinking that is the issue (and is still the issue).

 

I'm glad you are going to the counselor. That's a great step. I just hope that maybe hearing it out loud will allow the advice to sink in and get you to start the process, because for whatever reason the typed advice of many people on this forum just isn't registering for you.

[Mike80]

NC is not to be used as a tool to try and get your ex back. Its supposed to assist in completely getting over your ex. That's it. Its not meant to act as a mental game of hide and go seek. NC didn't ruin any chance of reconciliation between you two. Your lack of growth as a person is what did you in.

[shackazu]

look man, i get it. the times i used NC and took her off facebook, i really thought it would help me get over her. and i know that if i had been more confident, i would have acted differently all fall, and that i was the real problem, not the advice i was getting here, because if i had been more confident, then i would have just trusted myself and my own instincts, to stay closer, to start calling her to talk rather than just emails, etc. etc.

 

all i am saying is that now, the effect of these month intervals withut talking seems to be that she has gone farther away and gotten much colder. the last two times she replied to my emails it was just a line or two leaving no real room to continue a conversation. she was just being polite the first time or two. she isn't even interested in conversing with me anymore, so i guess being friends isn't something that she wants anymore. honestly i've never experienced her being this cold and indifferent to me before, ever. And at least when she still seemed like she wanted an emotional connection with me, i knew what to do--engage her and keep the connection alive. now, i have no idea what to do--even if i do all the work on my end, i'm still left with her being indifferent and not really caring one way or the other. it's the way i feel about my old ex--if she had kept in contact and stayed close with me after our breakup, she probably would have kept some feelings alive inside me, and she might have had a chance i would take her back.

 

NC kills the feelings for both people, the dumper even faster, unless your breakup was caused by one person being overly needy. NC is just a hands down wrong and stupid approach if someone has felt uncared for and unappreciated--even if it only happens after a few months of continued communication and an obvious display of still caring about that person. it just shows immaturity and emotional "not solid-ness" as she so told me.

 

Or at the very least, it was a hands down wrong and stupid thing for me to have done in my case. regardless if the real reason why I tried NC at all was my own insecurity---NC just betrayed that insecurity to her where she might not have seen it otherwise, even though yes, my problems were at the root of everything.

[Shane Falco]

You are still scapegoating and blaming other things. That's not going to help you because you are focusing on stuff that, quite frankly, is unimportant. If NC was really the root of all evil, would she have encouraged you to visit her city after you resumed some contact? No. Would she have invited you over to her family's house for a dinner? No. Would she have invited you to hang out more? No. No contact itself didn't hurt you. You not using that time productively hurt you.

 

She's cold to you because you came on hot and heavy when you visited her, which made her uncomfortable. She obviously still likes you as a person, but she's not sure what to say to you right now because she doesn't want to cause another emotional meltdown. Therefore she's cold and passive, because she doesn't want to give you any hope and she doesn't want to be put in an uncomfortable position. She doesn't think you are "emotionally solid" because you were too emotional when she was just looking to have fun with the guy she at one time loved to be around. NC, NIC, LC, etc., has little or nothing to do with it. You could have used any approach and failed with the mindset you possessed and still do possess.

 

I really don't know what to say anymore. Continuing to rehash this stuff doesn't help you at all. It's over. It's time for you to stop the blame game and fix what you can control, which is your mindset.

[shackazu]

I know that she probably still likes me as a person.

 

For the first time in a while, I woke up this morning without that deep, visceral feeling of missing her in my gut. Which is a good thing for me, yes. But what I'm saying is, if we still talked all the time, if we had stayed emotionally very close, I probably wouldn't have woken up feeling fairly normal. I would have woken up thinking about her.

 

I don't know her mind, but I doubt that she wakes up with that deep, visceral feeling of missing me in her gut. She used to, I am sure of it. Probably for a few weeks or a month after breaking up with me. But then I'm sure that she started to move on, helped along by college and work and responsibilities and other worries and the lack of a constant emotional tie to me. Which is why just objectively evaluating the value of pulling back and taking distance from an ex, I honestly want to say that when you have an ex who breaks up with you but is still in love with you, and breaks up mainly for reasons of feeling hurt and unappreciated, and is still unsure of everything, and--crucially--really, really wants to stay incredibly close, the right thing to do would be to keep that intense emotional bond going, to draw that person in closer. Because yes, distancing has and will continue to help me move on and stop being emotionally overwhelmed by everything, but the Catch-22 is that it also helps her do the same, and she just does it faster...

[Vinny85]

The reasons why my ex broke up with me are (as I read this thread) not really the same as why you are broken up. But one thing is the same I think: We both lost attraction because of our behaviour. For me I did long before the break up but as I read this thread you (just as I) didn't make it any better after the break up.

 

Just to speak for myself: One of the main reasons I was showing (subconciously at the time) VERY unattractive behavior after the BU, and therefore was pushing her away even more, was because I firmly believed the part I bolded in the quote above. Right after the break up, but also during the few weeks before it and at 'judgement day itself' she repeatedly told me exactly the same as you have put in italics: Allthough the relationship was over she hoped we could stay really really incredibly close, but just not as bf/gf anymore. I took the bait straight away and really tried to keep that intense emotional bond going, just like you mention.

 

But, All I saw happening (not even speaking about her rebound relationship of 2 months, she jumped in within a week after our BU) was moving her FURTHER away from me. Up to a point that she started to say things like: "you seem to want it more than me" (dafuq? she used to be the one crying and in fear of losing me, even at the day of the BU) and even more harsh things like "I am keeping you on a distance on purpose" and "I don't care about how you feel about my behavior". She was moving on, really fast. She admitted she was not missing me a SINGLE moment, multiple times. She was not only saying it, she was also showing it. She was doing exactly that what you are so afraid of: Moving on and stop being emotionally overwhelmed by everything, WAY faster than I did. All I was doing was that what you think is so important: trying to keep that emotional bond going.

 

It was all very confusing to me. until I saw the light. Well, initially it was just me 'being done with it' and going into NIC. During that process I was working on myself. This is what happened:

 

 

- first of all: I finally started healing, which was not possible because of my huge emotional dependency before

 

then, in the same time:

 

- In the first two weeks she initiated contact every other day, really trying to just get a response from me. Every time I responded in a nice way, but also just briefly and sometimes even after a day.

 

- After two weeks she called me CRYING, telling me she was afraid to lose me or even have lost me already. Between the lines she was screaming for attention. When I told her that 'if it would be like this, I didn't really feel like continuing our contact" she even literally, in a very desperate voice, screamed out: "Then please tell me, how do you want it?". Can you imagine? The same girl telling me that she didn't care and that I seemed to be wanting to be close way more than she did, now asked me how I wanted it?

 

- The next day she sents me a picture of a drawing she made 3 years ago: A drawing of me with two big hearts

 

- A week later she asks if she could call me. We had a great and fun conversation, when I said I was going to hang up, she told me in almost a begging voice: "But, but... I want to talk a little longer with you!"

 

- Now, two weeks after that (continued the NIC all that time) I just have spend a GREAT evening at her place and even stayed the night (not much happened tho, but honestly, I did not care. We had a GREAT night out). But the best thing: When I arrived at her place, one of the first things she did was hugging me and saying the words I thought I would NEVER hear from her again: "I missed you!". She also told me she was very happy we could spend time together and talk as close friends (definitely on an emotional level that goes way further than 'just friends'). When I left this morning, we both told each other we had a great time and were genuinely happy.

 

Moral of the story: Once I was thinking just like you and I think its totally normal to feel that way. However, that emotional bond you are speaking of was only vanishing instead of remaining. It wasn't until I stopped trying that it actually started to come back. Now, her and me are nowhere close reconcilliation. But, I know that from here on I now freely can spend time with the girl I love (hence, not 'in love with' anymore) and actually have a lot of fun without it being emotional or awkward. But more importantly: The emotional bond we both felt so great about (not talking about codependency here) is definitely coming back. Where this will take us? Only time can tell. I now fully realize that this would never have happened if I did not stop focusing on it so much and making it an issue.

 

Again, the girl that used to grow so cold and distant on me and was moving on at incredible speed, out of the blue told me she had missed me. Not in a romantic way, definitely not, but she missed me. I did not ask her, nor were we having any conversation at that particular moment. She just said it straight away, on her own initiative, being the first thing she said when seeing me.

 

So dude, please. Listen to Shane, listen to Olesun and anyone else telling you this: If you even want a chance at a healthy emotional bond,s top focusing on keeping that bond. Let her be and work on yourself. Improve your own flaws instead of blaming external factors. If that bond was there, it is still there, deep down. But it's not going to come back if you are the one trying to dig it up. It's like a soft jelly substance in your hands: the more you squeeze it, the more will slip away between your fingers.

[shackazu]

I appreciate it, and I know that everyone says that their situation is different, but the times when my ex was saying those things like, "I really miss you," and that she didn't want to lose me as a friend and that she has never been really close to anyone but me was when we were still talking all the time.

 

The times when she pulled away were when I distanced myself a bit and pulled back. She has evidently been perfectly fine not having spoken to me in over a month (besides those few email tidbits), whereas when we still had a close emotional connection was when she almost cried when I said I couldn't be her friend, and when she told me that she missed me.

 

It's like the reverse of what you experienced.

[shackazu]

So... I have twice tried to have conversations with her since that email exchange. Nothing heavy, just light stuff, and she just doesn't really seem interested anymore. She's polite and will reply, but she doesn't put in anything to try and keep the conversation going. I am in a far worse place vis-a-vis her than I was a few months after the breakup when we still talked all the time and she wanted to stay close.

 

I'm glad that I feel less dependent on responses and contact from her, but I honestly think that the whole "don't be friends with your ex" thing I tried to do--telling her that, and then going NC (whether it was for me or as a game, doesn't really matter to the point I am making here), was the worst thing I could possibly have done for my relationship with her. She has lost the interest that she had kept even after breaking up in maintaining a deep emotional connection to me. It just isn't there anymore. I really wish I had never gone "NC"

 

So warning to any future question askers about the merits of NC. It may help you, but it will also kill any remaining feelings your ex has towards you.

[icantsay]

Well, NC shouldn't exactly be considered a strategy for getting exes back either. It is there for YOU.

 

Your ex had two choices:

1. To move on

2. To come back

 

....You really think NC has a big role (if any) in those two choices? The thing is, no matter what you did, the same would probably have happened eventually.

 

We all analyze and over-think what we could have done different. We need to realize that we can't control what the other person decides. They will make the choice, regardless of our actions.

 

Don't beat yourself up. You did everything you could. Remind yourself that you tried. And you are a jewel for doing that. Now it is time to move on and remember that someone out there is waiting to meet you.

[Shane Falco]

We need to realize that we can't control what the other person decides. They will make the choice, regardless of our actions.

 

Bingo. The dumpee has no control over this, no matter how much they want to. The OP still does not grasp this, but he will eventually.

[matti]

I agree. After all, I'm in in a very similar situation. I won't contact my ex-gf, because I'd prefer not to do more damage that I've already done up until this point. I was in NC for a little over a month until some logistical BS happened, which prompted her to contact and notify me, which we were forced to then converse. However, it was her who initiated contact, as you won't catch me dead trying to contact her right now for any reason, regardless of the importance. I'm too focused on self-improvement right now, haha. Call it childish, selfish, etc. However, I could say the same about her for blowing me off as she did

 

You are correct. I was bitter towards my ex. I was definitely going through my "anger" phase when I wrote that. I wasn't really even considering getting my ex-gf back at that point and right now I still don't know how I feel. I've definitely loosened up a bit over the past few weeks. However, you have to remember that this is exactly why I chose to go NC. I knew that I was going to be going through several emotional phases and I definitely didn't want to do anymore damage that had already been done. So, I kept my distance and will continue to do so until I feel my emotions are a bit more on the stable side.

 

Thanks for the honest feedback however. Positive criticism is always welcomed.