What to say when ex asks how are you?

[rosasnyder811]

I'll say this again: No Contact is stupid, childish, and immature if you want your ex back.

If you happen to get them back from no contact, it will most likely end shortly thereafter, due to the fact that the new relationship was based on playing games.

Communication is key to a successful relationship, and rebuilding a previous one.

[olesun]

I'll say this again: No Contact is stupid, childish, and immature if you want your ex back.

If you happen to get them back from no contact, it will most likely end shortly thereafter, due to the fact that the new relationship was based on playing games.

Communication is key to a successful relationship, and rebuilding a previous one.

 

Thank you.

[chamachama]

I'll say this again: No Contact is stupid, childish, and immature if you want your ex back.

If you happen to get them back from no contact, it will most likely end shortly thereafter, due to the fact that the new relationship was based on playing games.

Communication is key to a successful relationship, and rebuilding a previous one.

 

Tell that the the throngs of poor souls on here that spend countless hours pouring over the perfect message to write their ex's in the hopes that they will get the response that they are looking for only to have their hearts ripped from their chests and stomped into oblivion.

 

Anyone who calls a method of moving on from what many times is tremendous heart wrenching obsessive turmoil where they continuously smash their heads on a wall over and over again "stupid" is extremely misinformed and very immature.

 

You don't go into NC with the hopes of getting your "ex" (after all it IS your EX and not your CURRENT) back. You go NC for yourself in order to heal and lay the foundations of a new better life without your ex by being healthy, meeting new people, trying new things and filling the void with new experiences... and not being a lump on a log obsessing over what you should say to try and persuade your ex that you're not the color that they painted you as. Which more times than none ends up validating to them that you really are that color...and you are doing exactly what they thought you would do...

 

A byproduct SOMETIMES not all the time is that the dumper starts to wonder and question their decisions in their own minds down the road. And sometimes they check in on what they left behind only to find someone who seemingly does not fit neatly into the box they originally placed them in (i.e. lump on log crying whining whimpering obsessed person who didn't take what they said for face value and is exactly the same person they thought they were)when they left... Its NOT a sure method of getting your ex back and should never be considered as such. It is a method of moving on in a healthy way after a BU has been established. Period.

 

There are MANY people who waste YEARS of their lives and become horribly unstable for long periods of time because they chose not to go NC. Your statement is basically the statement of a child who knows absolutely nothing about the dynamics of an emotional breakup.

 

NC is certainly not the only option in many cases. But it has a very clear message and a very useful result more times than none.

[Shane Falco]

Yes. And this is much more useful than being lazy and calling people stupid or childish.

[pl3asehelp]

Agreed. I think putting your dating life on hold in hopes that someone who was in a relationship with you but decided on their own to end it to change their mind is a really, really bad idea destined to fail. The time to work on your relationship is before you break up, not after.

[olesun]

You don't go into NC with the hopes of getting your "ex" (after all it IS your EX and not your CURRENT) back.

 

I agree. NC is for healing.

However, this the "Getting Back Together" forum.

Not the "Healing" forum.

 

There are many people here who need to go into NC so they can calm the hell down and start thinking rationally.

But telling people to play games and ignore their ex is silly. Going strict NC and avoiding the ex is not a strategy that will help them reconcile.

[pl3asehelp]

I agree. NC is for healing.

However, this the "Getting Back Together" forum.

Not the "Healing" forum.

 

There are many people here who need to go into NC so they can calm the hell down and start thinking rationally.

But telling people to play games and ignore their ex is silly. Going strict NC and avoiding the ex is not a strategy that will help them reconcile.

 

I don't think anyone would recommend you try to reconcile after you've broken up. Why didn't you work on whatever your problems were before breaking up? Isn't breaking up the last resort? What happens when you've tried to fix the relationship but one or both of you decided it wasn't possible?

[Shane Falco]

This is the "Getting Back Together" forum.

Not the "Healing" forum.

 

There are many people here who need to go into NC so they can calm the hell down and start thinking rationally.

But telling people to play games and ignore their ex is silly. Going strict NC and avoiding the ex is not a strategy that will help them reconcile.

 

Problem with rosasnyder is that she (I'm assuming she's a she) paints everyone who uses NC with the same brush.

[olesun]

I don't think anyone would recommend you try to reconcile after you've broken up. Why didn't you work on whatever your problems were before breaking up? Isn't breaking up the last resort? What happens when you've tried to fix the relationship but one or both of you decided it wasn't possible?

 

And I'm not recommending that. NC is an important part of the reconciliation process. What is NOT an important part of the reconciliation process is the

"Go NC and move on with your life. Maybe they'll come back around if you ignore their calls and if you're lucky, they'll get desperate and spill their feelings for you."

That's not how you be the bigger person. That's emotional immaturity. Is this about your ego? Or about someone you love?

 

Asking your question is like asking a doctor why he didn't prescribe some preventative medicine while he's trying to handle a triple bypass.

There's a lot of different answers to this question. Is it relevant? Are we going to ask why someone shot us when the arrow is still in the skin?

 

First you remedy and heal. Then you analyze. Once you've tried all you can, you can ask why. But by then, you'll already know.

 

Problem with rosasnyder is that she (I'm assuming she's a she) paints everyone who uses NC with the same brush.

 

I don't agree with calling anyone stupid. And I certaintly don't think NC doesn't have its place.

But I do think that the idea of telling people to ignore their exes is not constructive in any way.

There's a grey area. Be available. But not too available. Don't wait by the phone. But don't throw the phone out the window.

[Vinny85]

I think I will have to stick with Olesun and Rosa here.

 

I DO agree with everyone that say that NC is a great strategy...... for HEALING. However, this is the 'Getting back together' board and not the 'Healing after BU or divorce' board. On this board people are asking how to get back together, not how to heal.

 

Obviously, as I am painfully learning myself, you cannot successfully get back together without healing first. But that said, healing is just a PART of the full process, not the process itself.

 

I think the point Olesun and Rosa (and I, for now) are trying to make is that 'NC' is presented way to often as 'the' solution, while it's not. It's the first step of a process. People here are looking for guidance during the process of getting their ex back. NC is most probably the best first step in that process, but after the healing, the real deal starts. NC is not going to help you with that.

 

So, in short:

'NC' is an answer to the question to 'How I heal after my BU'. Healing is not a part of getting your ex back, healing is something that has to be done before you can think of getting your ex back. Therefore, it can be appropriate on this board to advise people to heal first, but it's not appropriate to automatically tell people to 'just go into NC' if they ask 'how to get my ex back'. Just like 'pay your electricity bill' is not an answer to 'how do I turn the lights on at home?'. It's just an possible answer to the potential question 'Why can't I turn the lights on at home?'.

[chamachama]

I agree. NC is for healing.

However, this the "Getting Back Together" forum.

Not the "Healing" forum.

 

There are many people here who need to go into NC so they can calm the hell down and start thinking rationally.

But telling people to play games and ignore their ex is silly. Going strict NC and avoiding the ex is not a strategy that will help them reconcile.

 

Well, getting back together lends itself to the NC talks. Lets be honest here lol. The majority of people in the "getting back together" forum are exactly those pour souls who are banging their heads on the wall and are in pain and anguish and obsessing...

 

I agree with the game playing thing. If you make a decision, stick to it and believe in it. Don't question it. It's called conviction. NC helped me realize that there are many things that I simply did not like about my ex along with many things that I did. One of the things that I didn't like was prevalent in her message to me. I chose not to reply. Hey one day I may feel differently as I am curious about a great many things that were left unsaid. But not enough to risk being pulled back into the pride swallowing siege that came during the last days of our relationship and post BU. I like myself too much for that. And because I like myself, I choose to be healthy and without the drama and pain... thanks

[Vinny85]

Well, getting back together lends itself to the NC talks. Lets be honest here lol. The majority of people in the "getting back together" forum are exactly those pour souls who are banging their heads on the wall and are in pain and anguish and obsessing...

 

 

True, but those people should be advised to go to the healing board first. Instead, they are given 'NC' as an answer to their question and therefore a 'solution' for their problem. This will not make them heal, this will make to start them play games. Just the way NC isn't meant to be used.

[olesun]

I applaud you for finding the strength in yourself and becoming strong again. It's a long hard road and so much is learned.

 

But why are you here giving advice to those looking to get their ex back if you haven't done so and have chosen not to pursue it?

Simply because you made the choice, through NC, to stay in NC and move on with your life does not mean that your experience is applicable to the question at hand.

It's like telling people asking about strategies to get through college "Just drop out. Student loans are a pain and I've managed to be very successful without it". Awesome. But not entirely relevant.

[pl3asehelp]

I applaud you for finding the strength in yourself and becoming strong again. It's a long hard road and so much is learned.

 

But why are you here giving advice to those looking to get their ex back if you haven't done so and have chosen not to pursue it?

Simply because you made the choice, through NC, to stay in NC and move on with your life does not mean that your experience is applicable to the question at hand.

It's like telling people trying to get through college "Just drop out. Student loans are a pain and I've managed to be very successful without it". Awesome. But not entirely relevant.

 

Advising someone not to do what they want is valid advice. It's particular good advice when it comes from someone who used to have the same goal, but realized that it was a bad idea.

[olesun]

Advising someone not to do what they want is valid advice.

 

Again, this is a broad brush comment. There's a grey area here.

Do I think everyone a week out of a break up should immediately begin contacting their ex and looking to make up?

Obviously not. One look at the thread I've posted and the advice I've given should tell you I think temporary periods of NC are important.

 

But this idea of "move on with your life, you'll be happier with him/her. I am" is irrelevant to the subject at hand and belongs more in the Healing forum than here.

And it doesn't take a literature major to see the obvious bitterness in those posts. Holding on to resentment and bitterness is the fast track to never reconciling.

[Vinny85]

Advising someone not to do what they want is valid advice.

 

Is it? I think there is a big difference between "Should I"-questions and "How to"-questions. It's about respecting someone's autonomy to make their own decisions. Obviously the one asking a "How to"-question decided he wants to do something. Of course, this MIGHT be the wrong decision, but he is not asking that. It can be you don't want to help someone how to do something that might be wrong, just like you would not help someone to set his own house on fire. But in that case, I think it's better to either say: "I am not helping you with this because I don't support it" or say "Please think about it again, because..". Not just simply tell them to do the opposite. "Don't set your house on fire" is no answer to "How do I set my house on fire". Basically, in that case, you risk the person not setting his house on fire, but doing so desperately hoping his house will burn to the ground itself. That will make his life miserable.

[chamachama]

I applaud you for finding the strength in yourself and becoming strong again. It's a long hard road and so much is learned.

 

But why are you here giving advice to those looking to get their ex back if you haven't done so and have chosen not to pursue it?

Simply because you made the choice, through NC, to stay in NC and move on with your life does not mean that your experience is applicable to the question at hand.

It's like telling people asking about strategies to get through college "Just drop out. Student loans are a pain and I've managed to be very successful without it". Awesome. But not entirely relevant.

 

I would like to point out that through NC my ex ended up contacting me. Sorry, but it really is the honest truth and so while NC really is not a method to get back with your ex.... as I mentioned SOMETIMES (like in my case) a byproduct is that they end up re-surfacing down the road. So I would like the jury to note that I chose to not reply only after she took it upon herself to reach out to me.

 

I rest my case...

 

Thank you thank you I'll be here all night! Try the veal!

[pl3asehelp]

Is it? I think there is a big difference between "Should I"-questions and "How to"-questions. It's about respecting someone's autonomy to make their own decisions. Obviously the one asking a "How to"-question decided he wants to do something. Of course, this MIGHT be the wrong decision, but he is not asking that. It can be you don't want to advice something how to do something that might be wrong, just like you would not help someone to set is house on fire. But in that case, I think it's better to either say: "I am not helping you with this because I don't support it" or say "Please think about it again, because..". Not just simply tell them to do the opposite.

 

I don't know if it's any 'better' - seems superfluous to me. I assume people are smart enough to understand when I tell them not to set their house on fire that it's because I don't think it's the best course of action for them. It's just advice - it can be ignored if you don't like the message or the delivery, but that may not be in your best interest - I'd at least be open to all opinions if I were asking for advice, whether I like them or not.

[Vinny85]

I don't know if it's any 'better' - seems superfluous to me. I assume people are smart enough to understand when I tell them not to set their house on fire that it's because I don't think it's the best course of action for them.

 

Perhaps, but it's not the answer to their question. What I mean is, the one who wants to set his own house on fire is desperate. He is not thinking straight, like most people who are asking for advice on this board. Therefore advice to 'Don't set their house on fire' could be seen as an answer to their question. That leads them to do something, which we all know will not make their initial wish come true. In some way you risk giving people false hope. Also telling someone who is desperate to do something, that they shouldn't doesn't really help them (make them feel better).

 

We all say NC shouldn't be used as a tool to get your ex back. However, I think there is a risk of telling people to 'NC' or 'Forget about their ex' as an answer to their 'How to'-question that they will take it as a 'tool' and hurt themselves. Even if they don't, it's not going to make them feel better. They came for advice on how to do something, and are told they shouldn't.

 

Also, no offence, but I wonder why people that think one should not reconciliate with their ex post on a board that is basically meant to help people reconcilliate. Just like Olesun says, one can smell the bitterness all over. I think this should be a place of realism and hope, not of bitterness.

 

Another analogy. How would you feel when your pc gets broken and you are really desperate. You call the helpdesk looking for help how to fix it, and instead they tell you to not fix it because it's way more healty to play outside. Ofcourse, they may be right, but that was not what you were specifically calling them for right? If you wanted that advice on what was healthy for you would have called a doctor, not a helpdesk.

[olesun]

I would like to point out that through NC my ex ended up contacting me. Sorry, but it really is the honest truth and so while NC really is not a method to get back with your ex.... as I mentioned SOMETIMES (like in my case) a byproduct is that they end up re-surfacing down the road. So I would like the jury to note that I chose to not reply only after she took it upon herself to reach out to me.

 

I rest my case...

 

What is the case being made?

That by dropping off the face of the planet into indefinite NC you prompted someone that you had a strong emotional connection to check to see if you're still alive?

I think anyone could have told you that.

 

This is irrelevant in terms of reconciliation to me. What's more important to you?

"Winning" by getting your ex to make the first move so that you can stroke your ego and assure yourself that you're emotionally stronger?

Or taking the time to yourself so that you'll be ready to take reconciliation into your own hands, if your ex has not contacted you yet?

There is no wrong answer here. But only one of these is actually important in the process of "Getting Back Together".

 

Also, no offence, but I wonder why people that think one should not reconciliate with their ex post on a board that is basically meant to help people reconcilliate. Just like Olesun says, one can smell the bitterness all over. I think this should be a place of realism and hope, not of bitterness.

 

Another analogy. How would you feel when your pc gets broken and you are really desperate. You call the helpdesk looking for help how to fix it, and instead they tell you to not fix it because it's way more healty to play outside. Ofcourse, they may be right, but that was not what you were specifically calling them for right? If you wanted that advice on what was healthy for you would have called a doctor, not a helpdesk.

 

Vinny made the point.

 

This place needs to be a place of positivity. The self-flagellation, pity parties and "You don't need him anyway, girl. Go find someone who loves you" doesn't really have a place on this forum. We need to whip these guys back into shape so they stand a CHANCE at doing what they want to do. If they decide along the way that they'd like to move on, that's their choice. But that's not the direction they needed to be pointed in at their most hopeless moments. Not on this forum anyway.

[shackazu]

So, we exchanged about 5 emails back and forth, but it was odd. I would send an email that I thought was really a conversation closer, like "Good luck with the thesis I know you will kill it!" to which she replied "Thanks, good luck in (city), get well soon!" And then I sent an old cartoon of Berlusconi that I had posted on her wall a year and a half ago saying, haha just remembered this, and she replied again by saying "Priceless, can you believe he is actually back?!"

 

So far I haven't replied to that because I can't decide if I should or if this conversation at least has played itself out, or even what to say.

 

But as far as the NC and all stories being the same go, I want to throw in my two cents, because I misread things from the beginning, and if I hadn't, things would be different now.

 

In her breakup messages to me, she started out by naming small things that annoyed her (and under the surface, I could tell that she felt unappreciated by me) but her messages evolved into saying things like she couldn't handle figuring us out in her head with all her stress and responsibilities, that before she wanted me to fight for her but that it wasn't the case anymore, that she didn't love me the way I deserved... Well, very obviously it was sugarcoating her true meaning, I don't think YOU love ME the way I deserve. Unfortunately, my insecurities (derived from a prior ex who just decided she didn't like me anymore and stopped talking to me cold) was that she was always going to change, to lose interest in me. And so that anxiety overrode me seeing the obvious.

 

I asked her in January, when I could have gotten her back. She told me in September/October she still loved me. When I said I had been on the brink of flying back to college to see her, she looked sad and told me that if I had we would probably still be together. What I didn't do wrong was initially staying in contact--that was a good move, to stay close. But when I had the conversation with her in late October (which I probably waited to long to do, as she said during it "you clearly care about me now in a way you didn't before, but i hate that it's taken you this and it breaks my heart," I got too caught up in my own emotional reaction to learning from her that she had had a brief rebound hookup with someone--even though she told me that she ended it because she hated it because he wasn't me. So I began overanalyzing her initiating contact--was she doing it enough? Was she showing enough interest?

 

When in fact, what she had told me was that every time we talked, she was impressed, because I seemed different, but she didn't know if it was for real. So when I pulled back, and became more distant and cold--even when one day I got a message saying "It's homecoming and a bunch of your friends will be back on campus!! Why did you have to go and move to another continent?!" (clearly her expressing that she missed me) I didn't reply the right ways, I didn't show her that I really was different. I thought I was giving her space to think about our conversation--she probably saw it as me being complacent again, not appreciating her enough, not being willing to fight for her.

 

Point being, I had multiple opportunities to swoop in and save the day--I didn't. And now I'm uncertain because it seems like the situation has changed. So just where fighting would have worked in the beginning, maybe it's the wrong move now. Her feelings have clearly changed--I don't know how she could look me in the face on the beachwalk, me having waited five months and come to her country for her, having spilled that I wanted a real future with her, and tell me that she didn't love me, that she wanted something different, someone more "solid" if she were still in love with me. She's not in love with me anymore, or if she is, I can't for the life of me figure out what she is thinking.

 

So I really ****ed the beginning up. Maybe it's too far gone now, maybe not. I can't get the old relationship back anymore, so I need to play this game right going forward. And maybe it will take a long time. Maybe it's not even possible until/if we are ever in the same city. I don't know. Maybe things will change again once she graduates and the pressure is lifted. Maybe NIC is the right choice now, though it was wrong at the start. Maybe expanding conversation is right now, although I told her and was serious that I can't be her friend. Maybe she will take it as actually wanting to be friends--she genuinely does. Which makes everything more confusing for me.

[shackazu]

And to make matters more complicated, I have some things I need to REALLY change. And she's too perceptive to fake it. And I doubt she would come back for good unless those changes do actually take place. And they'll take time. And for the next year at least, no way we will be in the same place, probably not same continent. Best to let things lie? Or maybe try to stay/get close enough that visiting each other "as friends" wouldn't be strange...

[Shane Falco]

Why would someone want to burn their house down in the first place? Not the best analogy I've ever seen. Personally, I think telling people what they want to hear if you don't agree with them is a terrible disservice. However, when I do that, I try to tell them the reasoning for why "they shouldn't burn their house down". Part of "getting back together" involves evolving from the behavior at the end of the previous relationship. NC is essential in that.

 

And yes, ideally everyone will go to the "Healing" section first and deal with those things before coming over here. But that doesn't happen and will never happen. Dumpees want their ex back first and feel that that's the only way to "heal". When that's rarely the case. Therefore you have to get them to the first stage, which often involves NC. You can't win the championship until you have the foundation to qualify for the playoffs. That's what the "NC, move on" advice is meant to do. You seem to think that, using your burning house analogy, that the best answer for someone who wants to do that is give them a blowtorch and a vat of kerosene. I prefer to instruct them on fire safety.

 

I agree with a lot of what olesun says because he recognizes the value of NC has a tool to settle one's emotions. It's part of the process. I don't like what rosa says because she sees things in the same narrow scope that she claims the pro-NC people to have, not to mention she tends to cross the line and insult posters for their differing points of view from time to time.

[pl3asehelp]

I realize that sometimes the best course of action doesn't always make one feel best in the short term and that if feeling better today is going to make you worse off in the end, that it's not worthwhile to pursue that goal. I don't agree either that the purpose of this board is for ex's to reconcile. It's a big forum. I would appreciate anyone giving me advice that they thought was best for me regardless of my own inability to see that - that's actually helpful. I'd rather have a shot at getting the most helpful answer even if I don't like it instead of just hearing what I want to hear and then failing.

 

This is like a person going in to a doctor's office asking for a prescription. Sure, the doctor could ignore his knowledge and experience and just give you what you want, or he could use his knowledge and experience to figure out what the problem is and treat it in the way they think is best, which may or may not be giving you the prescription you asked for when you came in.

[olesun]

So, we exchanged about 5 emails back and forth, but it was odd. I would send an email that I thought was really a conversation closer, like "Good luck with the thesis I know you will kill it!" to which she replied "Thanks, good luck in (city), get well soon!" And then I sent an old cartoon of Berlusconi that I had posted on her wall a year and a half ago saying, haha just remembered this, and she replied again by saying "Priceless, can you believe he is actually back?!"

 

So far I haven't replied to that because I can't decide if I should or if this conversation at least has played itself out, or even what to say. [/Quote]

 

I'm going to take apart your post piece by piece, because I think your head is a bit mixed up right now.

 

To begin with, this email exchange was a GOOD thing. Shack, you really need to let go of the idea of any conversations you have with her that aren't about your relationship being worthless.

This was constructive. Intimacy is not just sex and love. It's building rapport, building friendship. You are doing that right now. My specific advice would be to let this conversation hang for a bit and maybe in a week or so, send her another email about something you guys loved to talk about. MAYBE spice it up with a slightly ambiguous, flirtatious note at the end and see what she says.

 

 

But as far as the NC and all stories being the same go, I want to throw in my two cents, because I misread things from the beginning, and if I hadn't, things would be different now.

 

In her breakup messages to me, she started out by naming small things that annoyed her (and under the surface, I could tell that she felt unappreciated by me) but her messages evolved into saying things like she couldn't handle figuring us out in her head with all her stress and responsibilities, that before she wanted me to fight for her but that it wasn't the case anymore, that she didn't love me the way I deserved... Well, very obviously it was sugarcoating her true meaning, I don't think YOU love ME the way I deserve. Unfortunately, my insecurities (derived from a prior ex who just decided she didn't like me anymore and stopped talking to me cold) was that she was always going to change, to lose interest in me. And so that anxiety overrode me seeing the obvious.

 

You don't know what she was sugarcoating. You're still trying to spend too much time reading her moves, because you're trying to protect yourself.

And this is not only needy, but it shows weakness. If she reads YOUR moves, do you know what she's going to see? "He's still really beat up over me and it's kind of unattractive."

 

I asked her in January, when I could have gotten her back. She told me in September/October she still loved me. When I said I had been on the brink of flying back to college to see her, she looked sad and told me that if I had we would probably still be together. What I didn't do wrong was initially staying in contact--that was a good move, to stay close. But when I had the conversation with her in late October (which I probably waited to long to do, as she said during it "you clearly care about me now in a way you didn't before, but i hate that it's taken you this and it breaks my heart," I got too caught up in my own emotional reaction to learning from her that she had had a brief rebound hookup with someone--even though she told me that she ended it because she hated it because he wasn't me. So I began overanalyzing her initiating contact--was she doing it enough? Was she showing enough interest?

 

You are going to drive this girl nuts with all of your questions. Do you think this is why she developed feelings for you back then? Because you were asking for a play-by-play of her every emotional state for your own personal records so that you can make sense of everything? Cmon man. You know better.

 

Point being, I had multiple opportunities to swoop in and save the day--I didn't. And now I'm uncertain because it seems like the situation has changed. So just where fighting would have worked in the beginning, maybe it's the wrong move now. Her feelings have clearly changed--I don't know how she could look me in the face on the beachwalk, me having waited five months and come to her country for her, having spilled that I wanted a real future with her, and tell me that she didn't love me, that she wanted something different, someone more "solid" if she were still in love with me. She's not in love with me anymore, or if she is, I can't for the life of me figure out what she is thinking.

 

Do you want her back? Get over it.

 

So I really ****ed the beginning up. Maybe it's too far gone now, maybe not. I can't get the old relationship back anymore, so I need to play this game right going forward. And maybe it will take a long time. Maybe it's not even possible until/if we are ever in the same city. I don't know. Maybe things will change again once she graduates and the pressure is lifted. Maybe NIC is the right choice now, though it was wrong at the start. Maybe expanding conversation is right now, although I told her and was serious that I can't be her friend. Maybe she will take it as actually wanting to be friends--she genuinely does. Which makes everything more confusing for me.

 

Again. Do you want her back? Get over it.

 

You are beating the hell out of yourself about things that don't matter.

They also do not matter to her. But by coming off weak, insecure and generally unattractive, you are going to push her away.

 

You need to concentrate on being Shack. That's all. No one else.

The Shack she fell in love with. Not Bruce Wayne holed up in Wayne Manor silently brooding over the inane details of something that scarred him years ago.

It is NOT attractive and will NOT attract her.