olesun Posted February 26, 2013 Share Posted February 26, 2013 if she really wanted to ask how i was doing, she could have contacted me at any point in the past month to ask how my knee surgery went (since she wished me well on it the very last message she sent me back in january when i left her city), or she could have mentioned that in this email, or she could have even used the information in the email that she forwarded to ask me about my next year plans (it was in regards to a job opportunity abroad). Shack, let me introduce you to your ego. Shack's ego? This is shack. Kill this kind of thinking. ASAP. Not everyone is going to react the way you want. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mike80 Posted February 26, 2013 Share Posted February 26, 2013 but anyway, like i said, i'm not interested in playing games. you sure? so all i will do is nicely reply when she initiates contact for the foreseeable future, and stick with my plan to send her a congratulations on thesis/graduation postcard from the middle east when I go there in mid-April (haha, hoping that will at least spark some curiosity in her as it will be out of the blue, like, whoah, you have been where??) brother, not only are you contradicting yourself, youre setting yourself up for more disappointment. This is not a good idea. If you really wanna spark curiosity, dont send her anything. Honestly, I dont think she cares at all whether youre a traveling man or not. So why bother? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shackazu Posted February 26, 2013 Author Share Posted February 26, 2013 ^^ well fair enough on the having expectations--i shouldn't have any for how she should react. but at any rate, i want to send her a graduation/thesis card because i want to, because i think it would make her happy to get one, and because im proud of everything she has accomplished this year. i just thought that sending a postcard from somewhere interesting might be a conversation starter, and would show her that i am off doing interesting things with my life, not moping around (which i am seriously going to try not to do). if people think it's a bad idea, ill just send a normal card. but i thought it was a decent way to get back in touch after a semester... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shane Falco Posted February 26, 2013 Share Posted February 26, 2013 ^^ well fair enough on the having expectations--i shouldn't have any for how she should react. but at any rate, i want to send her a graduation/thesis card because i want to, because i think it would make her happy to get one, and because im proud of everything she has accomplished this year. i just thought that sending a postcard from somewhere interesting might be a conversation starter, and would show her that i am off doing interesting things with my life, not moping around (which i am seriously going to try not to do). if people think it's a bad idea, ill just send a normal card. but i thought it was a decent way to get back in touch after a semester... In the meantime, please work on forgiving yourself. Please. No more moping. It's time for shackazu to evolve. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shackazu Posted February 27, 2013 Author Share Posted February 27, 2013 I want to, believe me. It's just hard because I know that I broke her heart. I can so empathize with how much she must have hurt, coming to a realization that a guy she was head over heels in love with for the first time in her life felt uncertain about a future with her because of her skin color...what is this, the 1950's? It maybe helps a little that I'm half black and this is all about my own insecurities and **** to deal with, but not that much... That's why it seems so hopeless. Like, why on earth would she ever go back to me after having felt that way? Which she herself told me in so many words. And that was when she was still unsure of what she felt for me. Now, as she has said, she doesn't love me anymore and wants someone different. It just seems like there's no way back from this, and it really is all my fault, unlike most breakups where both parties are to blame. Sure, if she had done some stuff differently I might have opened up and given her the explanations at a different time and that might have changed things, but just understanding me won't bring back her feelings for me. She told me that she has forgiven me; I believe that, but just forgiving me doesn't mean she starts to love me again. I had someone unbelievable, and I ruined everything. And it's so damn difficult to forgive myself for that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChewyC Posted February 27, 2013 Share Posted February 27, 2013 Oh I'd hope I'd got here in time to give worthwhile advice but alas! I'll make my point anyway I disagree with anyone who says not to respond. Whether or not there's deeper meaning or if she's just being courteous or whatever, it's just plain rude to not respond to a "how are you?" Imagine if, instead of an email, it was an actual letter, and you two met in person so you could pick it up. If she asked "How are you?" in that situation, you sure as hell wouldn't ignore her would you? There doesn't need to be deep meaning in your response. And this applies to EVERYONE, not just our exes. I still speak to my ex every so often and when she asks "How are you?" I always say that I'm alright, even though I'd love to tell her I love her and miss her and want her back, but it's just not appropriate. When I'm at college, I'd love to tell my lecturer that I don't appreciate being looked down on like a 2nd class citizen, when I worked I'd have loved to have told my boss that I wasn't the only person who would cover everyone's days off, I'd love to have told the cute girl I saw on the train that we should have had a quick romp before going our separate ways, I'd love to tell the fat guy I sat next to on the bus that he stank of BO, etc etc, the list goes on. We withhold things in conversation most times we actually have a conversation I'd be willing to bet. There's nothing wrong with exchanging pleasantries while withholding deeper feelings for the sake of being civil and trying not to seem petty. You'd be withholding the feelings anyway by not responding. Don't take every "how are you" as an invitation to pour your heart out, whether it's your ex or Mr. T asking. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shane Falco Posted February 27, 2013 Share Posted February 27, 2013 Well, you have to. If you don't, you will never get past this stage and you will not be a suitable boyfriend for anyone, be it your ex or another girl. Maybe you should go talk to a psychiatrist or a counselor, get this all out in the open because you are stuck in a funk and you have been for several months. And quite frankly, nothing positive is going to happen for you on that front until you stop living in the past. You screwed up. Everyone screws up. I know what you are going through, I screwed up something great too. But I'm not going to allow my mistake to define my life. And you shouldn't either. Please go talk to someone about this stuff. I think your issues and your refusal to try to learn from them are things that are above our pay grade. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shackazu Posted February 28, 2013 Author Share Posted February 28, 2013 sigh. i didn't really think i left any room for her to reply to my "thanks, im fine--better than italy is with having to deal with berlusconi again, haha-- hope the same for you." but she did reply, deciding on her own to tell me how she is, that she's been hard at work on her thesis, to say she hoped my knee surgery went "really well!!" and to agree with me about berlusconi. on the one hand it's nice hearing from her, but i know that it's nice in the way a cigarette is nice to someone trying to quit... this isn't going to help me in the long run. does she honestly think i'm over her after i waited 5 months for her and showed up after an international flight to spend time with her and beg her back? i know she probably isn't thinking this way that it's tough for me to hear from her. she probably just misses having me around to talk to. i kind of want to say something like, "look, i miss having you around too, but i am nowhere near ready to be your friend yet because i'm still in love with you, and so this is difficult for me. when the day comes when i could honestly be a true friend to you by not wanting anything more than that, i promise i will get back in touch. best of luck with finishing the thesis, i know you will kill it." or is that not a good idea? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
icantsay Posted February 28, 2013 Share Posted February 28, 2013 i kind of want to say something like, "look, i miss having you around too, but i am nowhere near ready to be your friend yet because i'm still in love with you, and so this is difficult for me. when the day comes when i could honestly be a true friend to you by not wanting anything more than that, i promise i will get back in touch. best of luck with finishing the thesis, i know you will kill it." or is that not a good idea? Honestly, if she dumped you, you don't need to to announce that you want to be left alone. It will only come accross as something you are desperately doing to make her regret it.. Trust me, I understand your need to do it - but at this point, it is best to just leave her alone. Now, with that being said: you are posting in getting the back together forum, so I'm guessing you want another chance with her? If she wants you, she really will come back for you. If not, she will probably not write to you again. So, try to assume she will never write to you again. Keep in mind that "letting go is not giving up". Let her come to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shackazu Posted February 28, 2013 Author Share Posted February 28, 2013 interested in your takes rosa and olesun - clearly i want to engage with her as you know, and reestablish emotional closeness, but not just on the "friend" level. but also, i clearly need to do a lot of work on myself regaining self confidence and self-love, and forgiving myself, and i'm not ready to really move forward with her yet--i could use this opportunity to gradually up our level of communication, but i'm worried it would keep me in this holding pattern and prevent me from finding myself again. at the moment i either need to know that she is there for me with commitment, or to not be involved with her at all. the middle ground is too painful. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chamachama Posted February 28, 2013 Share Posted February 28, 2013 Ever seen the movie swingers? The ending rocks..... That's all I will say lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chamachama Posted February 28, 2013 Share Posted February 28, 2013 Btw I'm in the same boat. I'm not sure yet about replying either. Love her and care about her...but I love myself too much to go running to her just because she sent a very glib one liner message to me asking to be friends. I'm done thinking about it. Time to train. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rosasnyder811 Posted February 28, 2013 Share Posted February 28, 2013 Stop playing games. If you want your ex back, reply. Just don't talk about the relationship. This goes for everyone. If you keep waiting forever just as a punishment, you will lose them forever. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shane Falco Posted February 28, 2013 Share Posted February 28, 2013 Stop playing games. If you want your ex back, reply. Just don't talk about the relationship. This goes for everyone. If you keep waiting forever just as a punishment, you will lose them forever. Why do you continue to insist that NC is being used only as a punishment? Talking to your ex when you are depressed/clingy/needy/insecure is basically stabbing yourself in the face for no reason. A lot of people go NC not to punish their ex, but to get themselves under control and stabilized so they can put their best foot forward. You don't seem to understand this concept at all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pl3asehelp Posted February 28, 2013 Share Posted February 28, 2013 Nothing - ignore. Or ask them to stop contacting you if you haven't already. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
olesun Posted February 28, 2013 Share Posted February 28, 2013 Jesus, this forum needs moderation with the "Ignore, NC, FORGET THEM FOREVAR" advice that seems to be spammed in every topic in the "Getting Back Together" board. There's an ENTIRE board dedicated to licking one another's wounds and helping each other move on for good. Why does so much of it end up here? Anyway... interested in your takes rosa and olesun - clearly i want to engage with her as you know, and reestablish emotional closeness, but not just on the "friend" level. but also, i clearly need to do a lot of work on myself regaining self confidence and self-love, and forgiving myself, and i'm not ready to really move forward with her yet--i could use this opportunity to gradually up our level of communication, but i'm worried it would keep me in this holding pattern and prevent me from finding myself again. at the moment i either need to know that she is there for me with commitment, or to not be involved with her at all. the middle ground is too painful. Shane is already giving it to you straight. That aside, you're entirely too concerned about "friend" level. You guys don't live in the same city. You're a travelling man. What do you honestly expect from her? You're almost bordering on forceful. It's like the only communication you want from her is relationship talk or something that explicitly mentions she still wants you. But when you first met, is that how you acted? I would hope not, otherwise, I would have dumped you, too. But of course you didn't! You built a friendship, which blossomed into something else. Girlfriend has a specific word in there that you might want to get used to. Because without the basis of friendly conversation, she will never feel comfortable speaking to you about her emotions for you; should she have any. You're rushing things in your head. It's an easy mistake to make because you've already devoted so much time to it. You feel things should be further along than they are. But you cannot adhere to timelines in this kind of thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chamachama Posted February 28, 2013 Share Posted February 28, 2013 Maybe she should have thought of that when she ignored my two texts a few months ago. And they were at least genuine asking how she was and being sincere. This one is bs. My first instinct was the right one. I deserve better than that. My decision is final regarding that message. Thanks though If she tries being real and genuine maybe she gets a different reaction. If not, then I wish her the very best. She's a wonderful girl and I miss her more than she knows. But I've sacrificed enough pride on her. I'm in a good place. I think that I'll stay here for a while.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shackazu Posted March 1, 2013 Author Share Posted March 1, 2013 Ever seen the movie swingers? The ending rocks..... That's all I will say lol Yeah, except unfortunately Swingers is what happened to me... I came back too late, after not telling her the things I should have been telling her all along, and even back in October she was already beginning to move on. And now she has completely. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chamachama Posted March 1, 2013 Share Posted March 1, 2013 If she has moved on man, then the answer is simple because there is only one answer..... I'm sorry, but be strong and if you made a decision, try not to go back on it. I did that a few times with her and believe me she made me pay for it. Now I'm back to not questioning my decisions. If they are wrong then ill deal with it best I can. My choice was not to reply to her less than warm and inviting message. I'll deal with my decision. I believe in it and I feel it's the right thing to do for me.. Do the right thing for you... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChewyC Posted March 1, 2013 Share Posted March 1, 2013 If she has moved on man, then the answer is simple because there is only one answer..... I'm sorry, but be strong and if you made a decision, try not to go back on it. I did that a few times with her and believe me she made me pay for it. Now I'm back to not questioning my decisions. If they are wrong then ill deal with it best I can. My choice was not to reply to her less than warm and inviting message. I'll deal with my decision. I believe in it and I feel it's the right thing to do for me.. Do the right thing for you... That's all we can really do isn't it? We can ask for all the advice we want on forums like this (and I've asked for a lot) but ultimately we have to make the decisions ourselves and deal with the outcomes ourselves. And if you think something is the right thing to do for you, who are we to tell you otherwise? As you say, you're the one who will be dealing with the consequences (good or bad), not us. Good luck Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shane Falco Posted March 1, 2013 Share Posted March 1, 2013 Yeah, except unfortunately Swingers is what happened to me... I came back too late, after not telling her the things I should have been telling her all along, and even back in October she was already beginning to move on. And now she has completely. You aren't the ex-girlfriend in that movie. You are Mikey. Your girlfriend is the ex-girlfriend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
markie6 Posted March 1, 2013 Share Posted March 1, 2013 Jesus, this forum needs moderation with the "Ignore, NC, FORGET THEM FOREVAR" advice that seems to be spammed in every topic in the "Getting Back Together" board. There's an ENTIRE board dedicated to licking one another's wounds and helping each other move on for good. Why does so much of it end up here? Anyway... Perhaps the reasons are statements like these In 99% of cases, NC is necessary to settle the dust and create a situation where contact from either party is actually meaningful. But that's just the first step in the MUCH longer process of reconciliation. I like a lot of what you have to say , but reading that statement makes me wonder what you would have said to him at BU +1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chamachama Posted March 1, 2013 Share Posted March 1, 2013 Yeah, except unfortunately Swingers is what happened to me... I came back too late, after not telling her the things I should have been telling her all along, and even back in October she was already beginning to move on. And now she has completely. In the last scene of swingers, after all Mikes suffering and post-breakup issues that were hysterical (yet very truth based) throughout the entire movie, Mike receives a call from the chick he clicked with and danced with like a champ the night before. He's all smiles and relaxed and finally just falls into it with her.. At that momen his exgf rings in on the other line after basically disappearing from his life for another man(a horse and buggy driver in NYC if I remember correctly lol!). He asks the chick to hold for a moment and answers it. They greet each other and while she starts to explain to him how she misses him and thinks about him, without even thinking about it he talks over over her and basically shuts her down and switches to the new chick.....from his new life. The best part for me is Mikes face after he realizes that what he just did means basically thst he is finally ready and the pain is finally over.... Guys we all need to get Mikes state of mind... And maybe, just maybe I am at that point. I'm not running to her just because she tugged the back of my shirt. I love her still and wish she would snap out of her little world and realize what she has in me. But I have better things to occupy my mind these days. I'm finally happy.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
olesun Posted March 1, 2013 Share Posted March 1, 2013 Perhaps the reasons are statements like these I like a lot of what you have to say , but reading that statement makes me wonder what you would have said to him at BU +1 That's irrelevant, though, isn't it? Especially since the vast majority of stories on this forum, more so than any other board, start posting by saying "We've gone 2 months of NC already", etc. Believe me, I'm right there with the majority of you vets who understand that these stories are very rarely unique. They almost all follow the same pattern. I have a psychologist friend who constantly jokes with me about how the one thing that drives her nuts in her line of work is that people seem to believe their case is "special". It bothers her because these people should find solace in the fact that their stories are not special. The special cases are the ones that don't have a precedent, and therefore, have unknown outcomes. But to just mindlessly say "Forget about her" is to skip to the lesson that is learned at the END of a long bout of NC. It's like saying "Just win the game" to someone asking about chess advice. Someone who is as distraught as Shack is not going to be able to begin healing when you present him with something as hopeless as that without the real context behind it. It honestly just comes accross as negativity. There is hope. It begins with getting control of yourself. It begins with taking some space to figure out what you truly want. It is followed with attempts at reconciliation when the body and mind are strong enough to handle it. You need to strengthen yourself. But put aside your ego. Reconciliation is something most people do not attempt because it's not easy. That's the reason for the "Forget about them" advice. It's EASIER to just forget about it and move on. But this board isn't about that. It's like asking for advice on how to slice a turkey and having someone tell you to just go eat a hot dog. Perhaps I'm just frustrated because there are a lot of great thinkers on this board handing out canned advice. And some of it reeks of bitterness. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
natalia486 Posted March 1, 2013 Share Posted March 1, 2013 Yes, do not respond. Be strong, and remember why you broke up..that helps me. Good Luck! Pray for strenght Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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