What to say when ex asks how are you?

[shackazu]

My ex forwarded me an email from someone who had an old email address of mine that doesn't work anymore. Above the forwarded message she said "How are you? I hope you are well!"

 

1, should i even respond at all?

 

2, i clearly can't be honest and tell her that i love her, miss her, and still feel ****ty and packed with regrets about everything over the past six months, and spend all my time thinking about how things could have gone differently/what i could have done differently. so what, if i reply, just crack a joke about berlusconi being relevant again (we are both euro-politics nerds) and say thanks for forwarding the message?

 

the only reason i would respond is to just not look childish as if i am giving her the silent treatment. there is clearly nothing in her message to give any hope or indication that she wants anything again, so don't worry. im not playing that game.

[Vaglar]

Keep it that way, don't respond. Protect yourself! You don't want to reply and get your hopes up, waiting for a reply that may or may not come. You don't owe her anything.

[HeatherB]

Tell her you're livin the high life with women and blow.

 

No, actually, just don't respond.

 

Leave the past in the past. You broke up for a reason. Nothing could have gone differently, because you two were who you were and you both did your best at the time. And it still wasn't enough. But with a new woman, you can apply what you've learned and actually have it make a difference. That's the way to make that old relationship worthwhile, to let it teach you how you want to be in a fresh relationship.

[Shane Falco]

I would not respond. There's nothing to really respond to. It's not an invitation for anything and you clearly aren't in the state of mind to have a friendly conversation without overthinking and obsessing over it. The fact that you started a thread on here about it wondering if and how you should respond tells me that you aren't ready to respond.

 

You shouldn't worry about looking "childish" because, quite frankly, she's not going to really notice if you don't respond.

 

If you did respond (something I would strongly advise you against doing), a simple "Thanks, I'm fine" would be about all you should say. But I really think it would be a bad idea for you to do even that.

[Maverick44]

I would not respond. There's nothing to really respond to. It's not an invitation for anything and you clearly aren't in the state of mind to have a friendly conversation without overthinking and obsessing over it. The fact that you started a thread on here about it wondering if and how you should respond tells me that you aren't ready to respond.

 

You shouldn't worry about looking "childish" because, quite frankly, she's not going to really notice if you don't respond.

 

If you did respond (something I would strongly advise you against doing), a simple "Thanks, I'm fine" would be about all you should say. But I really think it would be a bad idea for you to do even that.

 

 

Personally, I think you respond with the "Thanks, I'm fine. Hope the same for you."

 

You shouldn't expect a response. It's just courteous, I suppose, though. Just my thoughts.

 

Maverick

[MasterPo]

Confusing isn't it?! I agree, leave her alone and take care of you foremost. However, there is a good chance you are gonna mull this to death and respond, it happens. Chances are it will be great, some comms are gonna take place and you will be deliriously happy. Okay.. maybe just very happy.

 

It's a coin-toss from there, you can develop the conversation and maybe you strike gold - reconciliation. The other side is short-lived happiness, departure on her part after she got whatever it is she wanted or needed, confusion/anger/betrayal and healing setback for you.

 

Again, up to you. I tossed the coin myself and it was very painful to crawl back to a functioning level. At least I knew and sometimes that's a good thing.

 

Good luck.

 

Mpo

[Shane Falco]

Confusing isn't it?! I agree, leave her alone and take care of you foremost. However, there is a good chance you are gonna mull this to death and respond, it happens. Chances are it will be great, some comms are gonna take place and you will be deliriously happy. Okay.. maybe just very happy.

 

It's a coin-toss from there, you can develop the conversation and maybe you strike gold - reconciliation. The other side is short-lived happiness, departure on her part after she got whatever it is she wanted or needed, confusion/anger/betrayal and healing setback for you.

 

Again, up to you. I tossed the coin myself and it was very painful to crawl back to a functioning level. At least I knew and sometimes that's a good thing.

 

Good luck.

 

Mpo

 

He already tried the coin toss though. He traveled to where she lived and hung out with her and got rejected relatively recently. I don't think he needs to have that happen to him again.

[MasterPo]

He already tried the coin toss though. He traveled to where she lived and hung out with her and got rejected relatively recently. I don't think he needs to have that happen to him again.

 

Ahh.. sorry to hear that.

[markie6]

It's probably a " why aren't you chasing me any more ?" message because she is bored or suddenly curious as to where you have dissapeared to. This is common if you have been chasing but as a single message on it's own, it means next to nothing

 

Ignore and wait and see if another turns up. Don't dream of responding or you will set yourself back, once you realise she knows you're still hooked, you're going to be kicking yourself for being weak

 

This isn't a game , protect yourself from further harm. As to worrying about appearing childish... don't even start to think like that. Protecting yourself from any further damage should never, I repeat never be considered childish

[Mike80]

Gotta agree with everyone else

 

dont respond. Even if she starts blowing up your email, just leave her be. Only talk to her when youre 100% over her. Til then...nada.

[Ne Moe]

I wouldn't respond to something as ambiguous as that. She had to forward the email and probably was being polite rather than saying nothing. So in that instance, I'd say nothing in return.

 

To a genuine "How are you" text or email from an ex, I would go with "I'm great! Good to hear from you. How are you?"

 

An ex you are still interested in doesn't want to hear about how crap you are doing. You want to give off the vibe that life without them is going just fine, thank you very much.

 

[shackazu]

i get all that. i just still feel incredibly incredibly guilty about what happened between us that i know is at the base of everything. the times i have mentioned it here people didn't seem to get the significance, which i think it's strange, because it's about the worst thing i can imagine someone going through. whether she read something from my journal illicitly, or just was so perceptive to have picked up on it, she thought that i did not want a future with her because her skin was the wrong color. when in reality what i had written about to myself concerned my worries about possibly passing on my problems to my own children someday. this is why i just can't treat her like a mean dumper. ever. i just can't. what she felt must have been the worst feeling of hurt and betrayal i can imagine.

 

i ultimately want her back, even though the majority of advice here is to cut her loose forever and forget about her. unfortunately i can't do that. i want to stop hurting of course, but i can't forget her. i have gotten over exes before, this time it's different. these feelings aren't gonna go away.

 

anyway, i know that i could develop converdation with her whenever i choose, because she genuinely wants to be friends and still thinks of me as one of the only people she has ever been closest to in the world. it's just that i am not ready to be just a friend and may never be

[Not a rookie]

Do not respond.

[Ne Moe]

The feelings won't go away if you keep thinking about her and being miserable.

 

Look, most of us on this forum want our exes back. So you're not wrong to want that. But come on, what girl in her right mind is going to find a miserable, mopey guy attractive. Lets say you never met her? Feeling and acting the way you do now, do you think you'd ever have even gotten with her in the first place?

 

If you want your ex back the best way to do it is to be fabulous. Be strong and confident and happy. Nobody is going to date a miserable person. The thing is that part of getting happy and being amazing again, will also mean that you get over her slightly. So when people are telling you to get over her, what they mean is "stop moping around and get your life together".

 

 

Personally, I am not doing NC. But I am only responding to contact initiated by my ex. I'm making him work for it. I've told him I don't want to be his friend. I've told him I don't want to meet up with him unless it's a date with a view to starting dating again. We have lots of mutual friends and I can't avoid him, but I'm damned if he is going to think he left me a wreck.

From his perspective, I am busy and happy. I look great (because I've been eating well and exercising). I am getting on with my life (because I am socialising). I am doing fine without him and am getting over him (because I am not texting and calling and asking for him back). He needn't know I'm scouring websites for answers, that I actively have to fight the urge to contact him to ask him why. He needn't know I'm miserable and broken hearted.

 

All he needs to know is that I am amazing and strong and he'd better get his butt in gear before he loses me forever.

 

Fake it til you make it. That's my motto.

[Shane Falco]

None of this is going to get better for you until you get out of this self-defeating cycle. It doesn't matter what caused the breakup at this point -- she knows where you stand and is not having it. Work on learning from your mistakes, on growing. You moping and crying and refusing to let go isn't going to bring her back to you.

 

You have to get to the point where you don't "need" her. You aren't even close because you refuse to move forward. You haven't worked at all on bettering yourself, on learning from your mistakes and using them as a tool for self-growth. You have complexes about your racial background and you are codependent on this woman. You keep looking back on the past and killing yourself for it. Well, guess what? There's no time machine that can go back and fix this. You can't put Humpty Dumpty together again.

 

But what you can do is make sure you don't let this situation continue to defeat you. You suffered a bad break -- we all have, that's why we found this website. But if you don't forgive yourself, if you don't move on, if you don't evolve, if you don't learn, the screwups you made in this situation will continue to mess with you. And because this girl is at the source of these screwups, you have to stay away from her at this point. Not to punish her, not to make her miss you, but to remove the negative energy that the breakup, and whatever mistakes you made, caused.

 

I haven't talked to my ex in five months because she was a reminder of my screw up. It wasn't to punish her, it wasn't to make her miss me, it was so I could figure out why I did what I did and not do it again. It was to forgive myself and reestablish myself as a singular person, not as a dufus who was letting fear be my guide. And I think I've finally gotten to the point where I could talk to her and be content with however things went. I've gone from "needing" her to "wanting" her. My life is good with or without her.

 

That's where you need to get. And to do that, you need to stop the "poor me" crap and the "I screwed up, I'm a bad person" garbage. We all screw up. That's life. You just refuse to move past it. And if you continue to refuse to move past it, things aren't going to get better. And the more you dwell on this and try to change the unchangeable, the longer it will take to have any positives in your love life. You were a mess when you went to see her because you didn't do anything to address these issues. And you'll continue to be a mess until you forgive yourself. I apologize for coming off like a jerk, but damn man. FORGIVE YOURSELF and work on the insecurities that caused your screwup. If you can do that, then maybe down the road contact her. But you aren't anywhere close to where you need to be for that to be an option.

[surfjon]

I get these "breadcrumbs" from my estranged GF, I've told her until she figures her head out, to just leave me be, but she doesn't...

 

I ignore them for the most part.....sometimes I just give a curt "ok" or "yes", but no more......

 

My philosophy right now??? GFTOW!

 

Its shallow I know, but I need it right now.....

 

google it....

[olesun]

Tell her you're livin the high life with women and blow.

 

No, actually, just don't respond.

 

Leave the past in the past. You broke up for a reason. Nothing could have gone differently, because you two were who you were and you both did your best at the time. And it still wasn't enough. But with a new woman, you can apply what you've learned and actually have it make a difference. That's the way to make that old relationship worthwhile, to let it teach you how you want to be in a fresh relationship.

 

What is with this kind of advice on this forum?

This forum is "Getting Back Together".

 

I understand, quite well, that you're attempting to prevent someone from getting hurt.

But this is the kind of post that belongs more in "Healing" as opposed to "Getting Back Together".

[HeatherB]

What is with this kind of advice on this forum?

This forum is "Getting Back Together".

 

I understand, quite well, that you're attempting to prevent someone from getting hurt.

But this is the kind of post that belongs more in "Healing" as opposed to "Getting Back Together".

 

Good points. What do you think he should do?

[olesun]

Good points. What do you think he should do?

 

His initial idea:

 

so what, if i reply, just crack a joke about berlusconi being relevant again (we are both euro-politics nerds) and say thanks for forwarding the message?

 

Was not bad.

 

I've made an entire thread about what needs to be done in efforts to reconcile with your ex.

Personally, I think Shack has been beating himself up about the wrong things and is not allowing himself to actually heal.

He's done a considerable amount of NC already to this point, but is mostly still hanging on fear.

This isn't something NC will fix. I responded to a PM today from someone asking my advice.

I told them a story about an ex from nearly a decade ago. After the breakup, we went nearly 2 years of NC.

She called me out of the blue one day and my heart sunk into my stomach. I was already dating someone else. I rarely, if ever, thought of her.

The fear, the anxiety and everything associated with the break up came right back. No contact will not relinquish the anxiety or fear.

You will simply leave it right where it was and unless you're looking at like a half a decade before speaking again; it will not be resolved.

I think many of you who get deep into NC almost become fugitives from your emotions. But letting go of the fear.

That takes conscious effort.

 

He needs to lower expectations, stop fearing "What will happen if..." and be okay with minor communication like he received.

[matti]

What is with this kind of advice on this forum?

This forum is "Getting Back Together".

 

I understand, quite well, that you're attempting to prevent someone from getting hurt.

But this is the kind of post that belongs more in "Healing" as opposed to "Getting Back Together".

 

I agree. I've probably been guilty of this in the past myself, but after thinking about it, I've changed my stance on the subject.

If someone is asking how to get their ex-gf/bf back and we automatically point them towards NC as a default/universal stance, we're obviously not offering them the correct "Getting Back Together" advice that they asked for?

 

I know many of us are just looking out for others, However, it's ultimately up to each one of us to determine on our own whether it's worth enduring additional agony in the attempt to reconcile or if it's better to turn towards NC as a means of healing. Who are we to push our opinions on one-another just because reconciliation appears to be bleak from our perspective, based on the relationship/breakup experiences we've had? I've honestly thought about this and realistically, one person is nothing like another. Therefore, what one person's ex-gf/bf may do after a breakup for one specific reason isn't necessarily what another individual's ex is going to to in the same or similar situation. With that said, there really is no universal standard or set of rules. As much as it might seem as if there is no chance of reconciliation in one scenario, there's always the possibility and with that, there is really no way of measuring the odds.

[olesun]

The advice isn't inherently "wrong". In fact, it's quite logical.

Reconciling with an ex is by no means the "easiest" option.

It's far easier to move on, meet someone you have no baggage with and apply what you learned in your previous relationship.

That said; "Move on and forget about them" advice is almost only applicable in situations with abuse, a storied history of cheating or other aggressive behavior from the ex.

No one here can accurately say, without a serious degree of bitterness, that "move on and forget about them" is the best advice for everyone. That's just lazy.

 

No Contact IS a great jumping off point. Honestly, most people could probably save their relationship if they went NC immediately after the breakup. The shock would confuse the ex

and most likely bring them back. But you would have to have far, far more information about the reconciliation process than most people do during a high-emotion situation like a breakup.

In 99% of cases, NC is necessary to settle the dust and create a situation where contact from either party is actually meaningful. But that's just the first step in the MUCH longer process of reconciliation.

[matti]

I didn't mean to make it sound as if I was stating that NC was wrong. I have nothing against NC is used for the correct reasons. I've been NC for a few months now (lost count). I'm not using it with the expectation of reconciling with my ex-gf sometime in the future. I'm more or less using it to take some time to work on my goals as well as improve myself without the pressure or expectations of a significant other. I'm not saying that reconciliation is out of the question as far as the future is concerned. However, I'm not sure what I want at this point and I'm probably going to remain single for a good while, as I figure out the other aspects of my life beforehand.

[olesun]

I didn't mean to make it sound as if I was stating that NC was wrong. I have nothing against NC is used for the correct reasons. I've been NC for a few months now (lost count). I'm not using it with the expectation of reconciling with my ex-gf sometime in the future. I'm more or less using it to take some time to work on my goals as well as improve myself without the pressure or expectations of a significant other. I'm not saying that reconciliation is out of the question as far as the future is concerned. However, I'm not sure what I want at this point and I'm probably going to remain single for a good while, as I figure out the other aspects of my life beforehand.

 

Smart move. I actually agree with everything in your previous post. I just wanted to make it clear that I thought NC has its place.

[rosasnyder811]

If you ever want to have a relationship with her, ignore the posts telling you to play childish games. Just a simple response ---"I'm doing well, thanks. How are you doing?" If you want to keep contact going, give her something to respond to. Don't play the silent treatment game with her if you care.

If you think she's playing games, then call her out on it before you stop talking to her.

[shackazu]

i responded and went with my initial inclination. i said thanks for forwarding, i'm ok, i hope the same for you, and also cracked a comment about berlusconi being back in the picture. unfortunately, i do think she was just being polite rather than forwarding the email and sayign nothing to me. if she really wanted to ask how i was doing, she could have contacted me at any point in the past month to ask how my knee surgery went (since she wished me well on it the very last message she sent me back in january when i left her city), or she could have mentioned that in this email, or she could have even used the information in the email that she forwarded to ask me about my next year plans (it was in regards to a job opportunity abroad).

 

but anyway, like i said, i'm not interested in playing games. clearly i spent 6 months being in fairly close touch and chasing her with two big emotional conversations and then an in person visit and it went nowhere, so i'm not going to keep doing that. she HAS to know how i feel now, even if at one point she thought that i was torn about her. so all i will do is nicely reply when she initiates contact for the foreseeable future, and stick with my plan to send her a congratulations on thesis/graduation postcard from the middle east when I go there in mid-April (haha, hoping that will at least spark some curiosity in her as it will be out of the blue, like, whoah, you have been where??)