What is expected vs what should be done when handling tantrum

[wtm78]

I do agree. The bottom line is that you don't deserve to be screamed at no matter what the cause. If you did something terrible (killed her dog, cheated on her with her sister) she should break up with you. And if she is yelling at you because you forgot to buy milk, she has issues and you should break up.

 

Still, I'm just wondering what causes the outbursts. What was the conversation leading up to it? If you truly don't know, then it sounds like you aren't paying attention to her, and tantrums are her way of "getting your attention." Not that it is a healthy way to communicate. My 2 cents.

 

Actually I have walked away from the relationship for more than half a year ago. But throughout these months I didn't know if I had done the right thing. I don't know if the problem lies on me. Like what some of you said. I don't know if I'm really very difficult to live with. Or if she is a really difficult person. I mean. No matter how bad they may be there were reasons or something about that person that have attracted you to them in the first place. I don't know if marriage is about seeing the good in the partner and accept the bad. I just don't know and really need some advice.

 

 

 

 

 

[AppleJax620]

I believe that every relationship is possible, it CAN be happy. It's just understanding each other. I feel like communication is the problem now. The older generations have stayed married (This is just my theory) together for so long because they didn't have the distractions of TV, internet, and cell phones, they pretty much just had each other, and that meant a lot of communicating. The relationship I am currently in, we have both said that if we get married, we are in it for the long haul. If we fight we will FIX it, neither of us want to be one of those couples that break up because of communication problems, we have to learn to understand others, and their problems, once someone is understood they'll be more calm about things.

[annie24]

Did she physically punch you? You need to leave.

 

Obviously, I don't know you, so I don't know if she's crazy or you're difficult to live with or both or neither. But maybe this just isn't the right relationship for you? If you guys have been having these fights for over a year and its not getting better, throw in the towel and move on. No one deserves to be screamed or yelled at or hit. Get out of there.

[wtm78]

I agree that communication is very important. But I guess it takes two to clap.

 

Maybe we r really not good to be together.

 

I felt so miserable when we fight. Its like a losing battle everyday. I feel like I'm stepping on eggshells. N to be surprise to hear exactly the same sentiments from her.

[pl3asehelp]

Raising your voice and yelling at your partner is wrong. Don't expect anyone to listen to you when you're yelling. I'd argue the opposite - people get divorced because they think they can abuse others and expect that to be ok. Sorry, it's not. You yell and scream at someone, they leave you - pretty simple. It's impossible to be attracted to someone who yells at you unless you've got a fetish. You'll ruin all of your family, friend, and romantic relationships if you expect others to just listen while you yell and see nothing wrong with that.

[Fudgie]

^ Yes.

 

It is not okay to yell. It is not okay to curse out and insult. It is not okay to physically hit or attack.

 

The only time that it's okay to do any of these things is when your partner is attacking you physically and you need to get away, or is going to rape you, or is about to break your stuff in a rage.

 

Just because your partner is being drunk (ie stupid, not physical), being "crazy to live with", or being mean, or you perceive as not listening to you, it's still not okay.

 

If you feel the need to yell, it's time to take a breather.

[Weeb]

I've had outbursts - sometimes yelling and leaving, sometimes just leaving to be by myself (while obviously angry). My boyfriend will get quiet and stop talking to make sure he doesn't say something he doesn't want to. I don't think it's always a dealbreaker. Sometimes people just get stressed out or overwhelmed and things will get to them more than normal, and they aren't able to discuss things calmly at that time. I would suggest leaving the person alone for a bit in that situation.

 

In your case though, it sounds like it happens fairly regularly and the things she says seem extremely manipulative. I would leave.

[HeatherB]

Ask, "What do you want?" When someone is angry at you, they're trying to control you and make you do something. Find out what it is they actually want you to do. And then find out what they really want: the deeper want or need behind the attempt to control people and events. It's easier to care about a person when you no longer feel like you're their problem. It's about uncovering and meeting the needs that prompted the outburst.

 

And if they've gone completely off the deep end, say "You're scaring me right now." Stay calm. It doesn't help to get equally upset. Violence can happen when both people are unhinged. Leave the irate person alone until they are coherent again.

[wtm78]

Ask, "What do you want?" When someone is angry at you, they're trying to control you and make you do something. Find out what it is they actually want you to do. And then find out what they really want: the deeper want or need behind the attempt to control people and events. It's easier to care about a person when you no longer feel like you're their problem. It's about uncovering and meeting the needs that prompted the outburst.

 

asking WHAT DO YOU WANT is gonna be a killer... you mean until now you dont know what i want.. you mean you dont know.. i cant believe it.... etc.....

[wtm78]

My BPDer exW ruined so many vacations that, after a few years, I stopped taking her on expensive trips. The problem is that, although BPDers crave intimacy and closeness, they cannot tolerate it for very long because their egos are so weak. During closeness, a BPDer will feel that your strong personality is controlling and suffocating her. She also may feel that she is disappearing into thin air and no longer is a separate individual from you. It is very frightening. This is why BPDers tend to start the very WORST fights during or immediately after the very BEST of times, e.g., after an intimate evening or wonderful weekend spent together. My exW, for example, generally could last only 2 or 3 days on a vacation without throwing a hissy fit

 

You hit me on this one. She keep saying that she lost herself when she is with me. That she has to change so much for me. When the actual fact I didn't ask her to do anything.

 

Also your post reminded me how she would come into my car and start screaming at me. Yelling "I don't understand why you have got to listen to thus channel". I told her "if you don't like this channel just say you don't like the channel and you want to listen to something else. Why do you have to scream". But she would just continue to be angry leaving me clueless.

 

And those times when she tried to get out of the car when its still moving at a bend. Once a police car was behind me.

 

All these really made me feel very helpless. I feel like I was dating a cat. When she wants you. She will come and purr and wants intimacy. Some days she just want to be alone. This behaviour really make me wonder if she love me or not.

 

Once I was not feeling very good. Dizzy. So I ask if she could come to my workplace and drive me back. Because the carpark policy does not allow overnight parking. And she just ask she say she is meeting her friend and left me to figure it out myself.

 

And this is the fundamental issue between us. I do not know if she is serious about the relationship. And every time I want to talk to her about this. She blow up and threaten to breakup. So did it also happened the last I saw her. And I decided to walk away. It is just too emotionally draining.

[annie24]

Are you going to leave her for good?

 

To me, it's not an issue of "is she serious about you" but rather is this how you want to live your life? Is this the woman you want to be the mother if your children?

 

I disagree with your signature. Unhappiness is not the inability to accept reality. You don't have to deal with this situation and get used to it. You can choose to walk away and find a relationship you would be happier with.

 

About 10 years ago I spent the holidays with my cousin and his wife. She asked him to go out during a blizzard to buy her some over the counter medication. He came back a few hours later, and she threw a full on tantrum shouting that he didn't love her because he bought the travel sized tube instead of the full size. And then she started screaming about divorce with their child in the next room and me sittin right there. I can imagine if he bought her the full size medication that she would have screamed at him for wasting money. In any case, this does not have to be your future. You don't have kids, you're not married. You can walk Away now.