Dumped and relieved.

[Ms Darcy]

I don't think he can love you in the way you need. If anything it means something if he does love you and tells you he doesn't. It means he wants you to move on.

[laura-j]

ProgProf, just tell him to the sky the universe and all that... but do yourself a favor and stay away. It felt really good to "tell" my ex what was unsaid with out seeing him. How long were you together? The age difference and the cultural difference would be difficult in the best of circumstances but this is too much for anyone. I'm sure he hasn't moved on to anything "serious" but I'm sure he has messed around, to help him feel something. It's all very sad.

 

Ms. Darcy, you are totally right, I'm not going anywhere near him. Now we have to convince our new friend here to do the same.

[progprof]

I've lived in Korea for almost 14 years, so there's no real culture clash. If it were just the age gap, I think I wouldn't be so torn up (I'd be sad, of course): I could understand he's a young man, and needs to do the things young men need to do in order to grow. But yes, it is a part of it. We were together 1.5 years. Not long, compared to my previous relationship (11 years)

 

I wrote him a nice, long, honest letter in my journal. I will never send it.

 

Actually, just posting my honest feelings about going NC (I started it immediately after the breakup), made me feel better. Like I can control my actions. I certainly can't control his! I'm a little worried he may call, because I don't want to go backwards. This of course is in conflict with my yearning for him. I know it hurt him when I rejected his offer of friendship, but I also can't watch friends self-destruct, and I need to heal.

 

I just found two of his personal possessions that slipped behind the sofa, while I was cleaning today. Do I return them? I don't want to throw them out, but I don't want him to think I'm breaking NC and opening the door. I was thinking I could drop them at his workplace, well before he got there. Opinion?

[laura-j]

Unless it is his passport or birth certificate, just put them in a box in the closet and do nothing with them for now. If they are trivial throw them away, as I did with the cookie pan my ex made me desert for valentine's day... two days before he broke up with me. Put the whole thing desert and all in the trash. Wasteful? Yep... but it sure felt good. I'd almost love it if he asked for it back and I'd be all... I threw it away. LOL...If it is something important put it in the box, out of your sight and just leave it there, it is way too soon for you to make any sort of contact with him. IF he calls and asks for it (and only if HE calls...), say you'll drop it off at work, don't say when so he isn't there and go with your plan.

 

I know it is so hard, we have similar timing, my ex and I were together a year and a month or so... Today I had one of those, "oh I should ask ..." moments and was all OH MAN... Ok no I should call another friend. I miss him as a friend as much as anything, but I was also missing that when he was pulling away. It is kind of like a death in a way, they are just suddenly gone... But in both of our cases it was a bit of a lingering illness and we should be thankful that the suffering has ended at this point.

 

And as we all know odds are, at some point, we will end up talking to/seeing/dealing with these men again, on purpose or through happenstance. Very rarely do breakups end and just really end with no further talk or anything ever, in my experience. Hang in there as best as possible. I'm going to bed now, it's late here, but feel free to post a bunch of stuff or PM me and I'll respond when I get up.

[nutbrownhare]

When my ex partner dumped me, I felt devastated by the loss. For about twenty minutes. Then I started feeling my anger towards him, which got rid of any feelings of despair very quickly, and I reflected on what an emotionally abusive relationship it had been.

 

So, in sorting my life out, at least I didn't have any longing for him. It will take me a long time to deal with the fallout - I have absolutely no desire whatsoever to have another relationship, for example, and we split up over a year ago. It will be a long time before I'd trust another guy. So in that sense I'm not unscathed.

 

However, I think it's natural to feel relieved, even if only partly, at the end of a relationship which is draining, hard work and unpleasant. Another thing that made it easier to walk away from that relationship was the knowledge that I'd really given it my all; if it still didn't work, then it wasn't meant to be.

[laura-j]

I'm really glad I found you here. It seems we went through very similar experiences. Thank you so much for sharing with me.

Back atcha darlin!

[laura-j]

Nutbrownhare: Exactly how I feel, I can leave with my head high that I really did give my all. I made lots of mistakes and said the wrong thing, etc. Cause I'm human and all, but I never made him feel unloved, unwanted or uncared for. And that makes me feel a bit better.

[progprof]

You're a real inspiration, laura-j!

 

After my break down this morning, I felt so much better. I was doing fine most of the rest of the day, until late afternoon, when it all started creeping back. That's when I knew it was time to get back to work on myself. I'm reading a lot about fear of abandonment and co-dependency, getting in touch with my needs, and learning about me- my goals, fears, interests, etc. It really is empowering, and healing. When I'm ready to have another relationship, I will be ready and better than ever!

 

Interesting how real growth can come from emotional tragedy. I hope he will have the chance someday, too.

[mhowe]

OP -- I am sure that his "I never loved you" is false. And is the depression talking. Doesn't make it hurt less.

 

With my bf -- the claim of "my feelings for you have changed" rang the same bell. And I later came to find out from him, and understand on my own -- that when the words were said, what he really meant was ..."my feelings about Me (himself) have changed...and I feel nothing, or unworthy".

 

His love for you was not false. But he (your ex) is a "broken" man at this point, and has nothing to bring to the table. Will it always be thus? who knows

Will he try and change...again, who knows. Sadly, doubtful.

 

And you are right to be off the merry-go-round and standing on solid ground. Relief.

 

Continue to heal your heart. You will find love again.

[laura-j]

Thanks progprof, hope you are doing a bit better today. I'm up and down as to be expected. The real issue for me is that we were supposed to be going to this music/film festival in a couple of weeks, together, and I have bought and paid for my whole trip (no refunds) and I think he is still going and staying with other friends. Which seemed to be no problem to him...

 

He is from this town and we were there together last year... so argh. I still want to go, for other reasons, not around him and I have rustled up several friends of friends that would be happy to hang out with me for a while when I'm there. And every time I think of going I feel a little sick, because I probably will run into him or see him at some point. Which will be awkward at best and devastating at worst. But I also have the back up plan that I will leave early if it is too much, my return flight is changeable. I wish he could have at least sucked it up until then.

 

Mhowe, you have always given me such good advice. You are right, he IS totally broken, and it is very sad, and with a little perspective, I can see some of the cracks that were there (on both sides, never 100% one person's fault unless there is abuse) and many times that he didn't treat me like he should because in his words he "hates himself." He is trying to change going to therapy (as am I) and all that, but at this point I can't hope for any sort of reconciliation, it is too hard on me. Life is long and if one day he has his depression under control and comes back, who knows? But I'm certainly not counting on it.

 

I'm not super excited about the idea of dating again, but I will, in time, no rush, because I do want a partner and hiding away will never find me one. All love comes with some sense of risk. Blech.

[laura-j]

Hey Mhowe. Just read through some of your earlier posts. Did you end up staying with your depressed boyfriend? Just curious. (I'm really not looking to reconcile at all at this point...) just curious how that worked out for you, you sounded just like me after we reconciled the first time... nervous it would happen again... and in my case it did.

[northstarangel]

I've definitely been there. I had a similar situation a few years ago. I forced a breakup conversation with a man I loved and felt a huge sense of relief immediately after we were done. It felt like I could suddenly breathe again. A few days later, I convinced myself that I had made a mistake and tried to talk to him about it. He was an absolute jerk to me on the phone. It was awful. But it made me realize that I didn't love him the way I thought I had. I simply missed the person who I had previously spent the most time with. It was the change to my routine that hurt more than the loss of a boyfriend.

[laura-j]

northstarangel: I know what you mean. I feel relieved and sad for missing my best friend, I hope I snap out of that part soon. I really do miss the routine, since this is week one and I'm off work this week, I have no routine at all and it's making me a bit batty.

 

Gotta keep reminding myself that he was REALLY mean about it, and that we did indeed have problems around his depression. And that I don't want that. Cause it can be a struggle not to reach out when you normally would. "I saw this article you'd like" etc.

 

blech.

[progprof]

laura-j I know what it's like to not have the routine. I've been on vacation during this whole breakup, as well. But, it does give me the time to work on myself, uncover my issues, deal with things. I think it's good that you're going to the music festival. You have to keep getting out there, and doing the things you love. You have a great plan- meeting friends of friends to hang out with. And, you even have a backup plan! You are so organized and prepared for this. The tension that you might run into him though is natural. I'm avoiding certain areas of Seoul at certain times of the day, in case I should bump into my ex.

 

I think, as you continue to grow and your understanding of the situation grows as well, you'll find that the relief will change to just a quiet acceptance of what was. The sadness will ease, too, as you find new friends and move out into the world again.

 

I'm beginning to just let him go. I'm so tired of having to deal with his leftover crap, and have entered into the anger stage again. The sadness has lifted for now, and I feel energetic, excited, and hungry. I put a lot of my own insecurities to rest last night. For example, he asked that I come spend time with him at his work (a restaurant) from time to time. I blamed myself for not doing it, and beating myself up that I didn't do enough. I was working 12 hour days, but maybe I could squeeze it in somehow? Then, I realized, I was already doing everything else (I do mean everything), why should I have been expected to do MORE? It would have just made him do even less. It was his responsibility to do more, and for whatever reason, he was incapable or unwilling.

 

Anyways, I was up until 2 am writing a very angry, no-holds-barred letter to him in my journal. I was shocked at the angry feelings that were there- especially the sense of betrayal. Reading about the anger stage, I know it is my injured inner self, my emotional core, standing up and reasserting itself. I finally had enough of being the victim, and started to become the fighter. I expect a few setbacks to come, but I don't think they'll be anything nearly as traumatic as what I've already been through. I'll handle things as they come! Right now, I've already overpaid for his problems and mistakes. I don't want to keep paying for them. I've got my own issues to work on!

[laura-j]

I'm so happy that you are doing so well PP. I did a little "retail therapy" today and spent a little time with friends and got to talk to one of my most treasured music icons tonight. (I'm a punk rock girl, that looks like a total prom queen.... hahaha. )... it was good. And HE wasn't there. It was ok.

 

I'm so angry, i have a whole journal entry that just has F*** .... everything that I felt he was about. So angry. I don't know if you know the band Black Keys but they have this song, "all this love of mine, all my precious time, wasted because you don't know what you want" ... keeps going through my head over and over. Exactly perfect. Don't get in a relationship and hurt someone when you are a mess, leave the world be. I took myself out of circulation for a year because I knew it was not going to end well for anyone who crossed my path, and I'm not that girl.

 

I wish you were here and we could get too many cocktails and have a good laugh/cry about how messed up it all is.

[progprof]

The journal is great! I know in a year that I will read it and laugh- both at myself, and him. I don't know if this is healthy, but every time I start to long for him, I fire up that anger, and direct it at something awful he did. I don't want to always angry, but i prefer it to feeling like a passive victim, all sad and broken over that ass.

[progprof]

Isn't it amazing, this roller coaster. All in one day- you're sad, you hate him, you want him back, you blame yourself, you blame him, you forgive you and him, you accept it was what it was... Wow!

 

The good thing is, that over time, it quiets down again and the ride evens out.

[mhowe]

Hey Mhowe. Just read through some of your earlier posts. Did you end up staying with your depressed boyfriend? Just curious. (I'm really not looking to reconcile at all at this point...) just curious how that worked out for you, you sounded just like me after we reconciled the first time... nervous it would happen again... and in my case it did.

 

We got reconciled and made it thru the following fall when his depression comes around. Plans for future --- and this fall, when his depression hit -- my mother became seriously ill and in fact died in Jan. Both of us had nothing to give relationship. We are still together -- but taking time.....for me to heal and grieve...for him to pull out of the cycle....I can't help him right now. Am not worried...we will endure.

[progprof]

Hey, laura-j, I took a page out of your book, and did a little retail therapy myself. It was a bit hard, because we used to go there together. But, I did it! I wanted to prove to myself that I can move on by dealing with being there, and that I can enjoy the things I do without him. I'm a tiny bit raw at the moment, but it was a good afternoon. I was a little nervous I might run into him, though. Luckily I didn't.

[laura-j]

I'm so proud of you! I had a pretty serious set back day today. I'm feeling really raw too, the more of my friends I talk to, they all say "Oh forget him, we'll find you a good one"... Like it is super easy, hasn't even been a week! Yeah... ok... Makes me feel a bit worse.

 

When I got home I ran into neighbors that told me that a favorite restaurant worker in the neighborhood who always greeted me with "Looking ravishing as always" and gave my dog a whole bag of chips had killed himself. I'm so sad about it, not a close friend, but someone who I always saw and always said hi to. Then I start thinking of me ex all depressed and I started to worry. I wanted to call so bad, I did not.

 

How am I going to start a new job next week? I'm a mess.

[progprof]

Hi, laura. I'm sorry to hear you're having a rough day- I know what it feels like (you know we share that).

 

Your friends are trying to be supportive, but it's hard for us to hear them sound so flippant towards what for us is awful pain. Remember the spirit of what they're saying is- "we hope you are feeling better, and we love you. You're a great person, and love will find you again. Just hang in there."

 

You can't control your ex's actions, and you can't save him, either. He has to do that for himself. I know the exact feeling you describe. I'm proud of you for not calling him. That takes a lot of strength and courage to not give in to those types of fears. You are very strong for resisting.

 

You're going to use that strength to start your new job (congratulations!). Besides, they hired you because they think you are competent, responsible, and hard working. The breakup hasn't changed that. That's just part of your value and personality. You can do it.

[lavenderdove]

Dumped and relieved... i love that title and it caught my attention.

 

the truth is relationships don't break up because they are going well, they break up because something is wrong. Sometimes it's a little wrong, and sometimes it has gone REALLY wrong, but the bottom line is they break up due to problems which end up with one or both people being sick of dealing with them and hence relieved when it ends.

 

So it can be very appropriate to feel both sad (at the loss of something that was once important to you) and relieved (that the seemingly neverending problems and conflict are now something you no longer have to deal with).

 

But don't let one negative emotion (sadness or nostalgia) override another positive emotion (relief at the torture ending) just because you feel guilty about something, i.e., that your ex is depressive. As a wise person told me once, good people get cancer and rotten sociopaths get cancer but it doesn't mean you should attribute benevolent qualities to the sociopath just because he got sick. The same thing applies here.

 

Your BF is depressive, but he is also a bit of an arse to look you in the face and tell you he never loved you after all you invested in him. So he's depressive AND he's an insensitive jerk. And you are more than happy to leave the jerk behind as you should be. The fact that he is depressed is his health issue to deal with with his therapist, and not your problem. You can't fix that for him and shouldn't expect yourself to do so.

 

Note that most of your emotion that you feel towards him here is guilt or an inappropriate amount of co-dependency/enabling where you feel you ought to stick around and let him emotionally abuse you because he is depressed. The truth is that is for his therapist to deal with, not you. And it is his choice to punch you in the throat by telling you he never loved you, then blithely trot off to a music festival with other friends. he may not be nearly as depressed as you think he is, possibly just a really selfish guy who pouts a bunch and uses depression as a way to get sympathy and the right to do anything he pleases and get pampered because of it.

 

So, be relieved! You got your ticket out of a bad relationship and don't have to feel the least bit bad about that because it was his choice to kick you to the curb (twice) so you don't have to do it anymore. And if he is depressed, he needs a therapist so don't feel responsible for that.

 

re: your friends telling you to get over it, they are probably equally relieved to see the last of him and sick of watching you be unhappy with him. So in their minds, they see this as very positive and they don't have the emotionally ties to him you do so they are anxious for you to just let go and be happy because they are fully confident you WILL find someone better than him for yourself once you get past this.

 

So what you need to focus on now is that he did kick you to the curb and in a painful way, so you got your get out of jail free card. Nowhere is it written that you have to spend your life nurturing a guy who cruelly told you he never loved you! If he never loved you then good, let him go off and find someone he does love and you can quit being his emotional nanny expected to pamper him and bake him cookies and dry his tears every time he has a bad day or a bad moment. Really, not your job as an adult and a partner.

 

I know of what I speak here. I was married to a guy who constantly used mental 'issues' (depression etc.) as an excuse for being a lazy selfish sod. When I finally couldn't deal with it anymore and insisted he go to a psychiatrist, the shrink basically said, oh, you have a right to be sick of this and he is emotionally immature and selfish and just doesn't want to work or be responsible. i was shocked, but when it came down to it, it was the truth. many GOOD people with depression will still struggle with it and strive to be decent human beings, so please don't give him that 'he's sick ergo he's a saint and i must take care of him' routine. Recognize that ruining your life to nurture an arse (whether he's depressed or not) is not your goal in life nor is it noble.

 

So go make something of yourself and your life! Enjoy yourself and go find someone who treats you right and doesn't drag you down. You have a right to be happy, and his happiness/life is his responsibility, not yours!

[laura-j]

Thanks guys. Everything you both say makes sense. But as we all know it is a roller coaster for sure, and I have to remember it's only been a week. So it is ok to still feel emotional about it a bit. I have started eating again (some) so that is helping too I hope. I can't help but think the things I did wrong too. I wasn't perfect by any stretch. I went on these BCP that made me a total hormonal nightmare, but I realized it and went and got them changed. He knew that, and should have stood by me, because I did woman up and realize what problems I was having and why. And when I saw myself reacting badly to things I immediately went to talk to my ex-therapist to make sure I could tune myself up. To put it mildly I was in "in"... and of course during the break up he told me "never was" ... which is another EFFING LIE!!! It was as if he was just saying the worst things he could to just get out of the room.

 

I think he really is a depressive, not to make excuses for him, my therapist said the way he sucker punched me with the break up was classic depressed person pushing someone away. Not saying I want to go back to him at all, but saying that hearing that has helped me a bit with the feelings of "I could have done something." I don't think he was a saint for sure, he caused me a lot of stress and heartache, but I do realize that when someone is depressed they "flatten" and can't be a good partner to anyone. And hearing about his past relationships, this seems to be a pattern.

 

I am glad I am out for the most part 70/30 at this point, which is good, but there are moments of soul crushing sadness for sure. I really do wish that this music festival wasn't coming up so soon, it's 10 days from my home and my people on his turf, I don't even know 100% if he is going and of course I don't want to ask. I wouldn't go at all, except for the fact that I'm out 2k if I don't. (Plus I had a really good time last year, and part is movies and that's the part I'm going for)... Wish I had some back up going with me though, friends of friends are good... but not the same as FRIENDS... if that makes sense.

 

So I think he is 50/50 Depressed/Arse... and neither of those are good. Trying to focus on the bad times, it's just easier.

[progprof]

Yeah, I had a bit of a rough time last night while lying in bed, wishing he would call or drop by. Wondering if he misses me, if he ever even thinks of me, if I will ever see him again. It took a lot to resist the urge to call him and tell him I love him (I almost regretted going into NC immediately). Same as you, I replayed the mistakes I made. But I realized, no matter what mistakes I made, what he was asking me to support and tolerate just wouldn't work for me. In fact, it was making me depressed, jealous, anxious, stressed, and difficult to live with, and I didn't want to be that person. I also realized part of it was that he was so young, he simply wasn't capable of a mature relationship. So, like your ex, mine is 50/50 immature/arse. I think knowing not everything was their fault, and they're not complete arses, helps us to learn to forgive them, so we can move on.

 

I think acknowledging your mistakes is healthy- you learn about yourself, and can make changes. It might also be your inner critic beating you up a little, but it can be useful.

[progprof]

Today's going to be a hard one, I think. My heart is aching for him. I want him to come through my door, hold me, kiss me, and tell me that he loves me still. Thinking that its so unfair that two people who love each other can't be together. I just spent 5 minutes crying my eyes out.

 

I know it's normal, and that it will pass. It wasn't as intense as it has been in the past. Breakups suck, but there's way out of it, but to go through it