What helps you stick with NC?

[Strung_Out00]

What helps me stick with no contact? I know that I have nothing to gain by being in touch with her. It sucks treating someone who you once lived with as a stranger, but at this point, I wouldn't even know what to say.

 

Aside from exchanging pleasantries, what is there really to talk about? "I miss you?" "Thanks for breaking my heart?"

[kz91]

Think of how far you've come and is it REALLY worth it?

[bittersweet871]

Pick a friend or maybe a few, every time there is something that you would have text you ex, like something funny you saw that you want to share....text that friend instead.

Worked for me and it helps reconnect with established friendships.

 

Until those friends stop responding. Shallow friendships will doom you. I just get on ENA,, or I play a game, something to distract me. It's not easy, but imagine how you would feel if you contacted them and they never responded.

[Reflective82]

I contacted in the beginning and was just given harsh truths back, told that he had mind his made up and I needed to move on, or ignored. After that you don't want to break NC again. Plus after a while once you've done it you feel embarassed to break it, incase they are like GOD YOU'RE STILL NOT OVER ME?

[John John]

You guys are all right, and I have used all the tips you have mentioned at some point or other. Right now, my main distractions are work, school, the gym, friends, and chatting up other girls on dating sights lol.

 

But I do have my lonely moments, particularly when I'm trying to fall asleep at night. The one thing that someone told me on this board that makes me question NC (considering that I still currently would like another shot with my ex) is that NC actually makes you look weak. Like, if you're able to stay in friendly contact with your ex and even hang out from time to time without mentioning the relationship, it shows strength and composure, and you keep the lines of communication open. The only thing about this that worries me is that, if my ex were seeing someone new, I know I wouldn't be able to take it.

 

And as someone else already said on here...if they wanted you back, they would find a way. And in my last text to the ex before we started the current 5 weeks of NC, I told her to get in touch with me if she wanted to try again. So she knows where I stand.

 

And here's the thing...I dont mind if that text/phone call never comes because she isn't interested. That's fine. What does worry me is that if she IS interested in possibly getting back together, but never reaches out because, in her own words "I worry that I'll come around, and by that point, you will have moved on, and it kills me to think about that." I guess at that point I've moved on, and I wouldn't care, but still...

 

Ugh...as you can see, despite distractions, this has been pretty much the only thing on my mind lol

[John John]

I contacted in the beginning and was just given harsh truths back, told that he had mind his made up and I needed to move on, or ignored. After that you don't want to break NC again. Plus after a while once you've done it you feel embarassed to break it, incase they are like GOD YOU'RE STILL NOT OVER ME?

 

Yeah I know. Technically, I've never broken NC because we had to maitain light contact until she moved out 5 weeks ago (couldn't really do NC until she moved out). And I guess I still have hope, since she said several times "I'm not necessarily closing the door on us forever" and "I dont know how I'll feel in a few weeks/months." I know these are just breadcrumbs and/or her hedging her bets...but it (unfortunately) gives me hope, and I'm trying to move past it and just consider us over for good.

[sportsguy9981]

When I think about my ex with somebody else, its hard to contact her.. especially since she cheated on me and left me for the guy. Why would I want to be on her string now? It hurts so much, even 4 1/2 months later, that I just cant talk to her.

[John John]

Yeah sportsguy, I can imagine. She didnt leave me for anyone else, but she did break my heart (just as your ex broke yours). For some sick reason, I still love her, and in my mind, even though I now know the part that played in our breakup, I still believe that our problems could have been fixed. And that's what sometimes makes it hard for me to keep NC, but I've done it for 5 weeks so far!

[hellomolly123]

What has helped me stick to NC is the knowledge that if I reach out to him, or even look at his social media presence (or that of his friends), I will 100 percent end up feeling like absolute sh*t afterward. The last time I had contact with him (via mutual friends and social media, and a brief email exchange), I thought I was okay at the time. A day later, I was feeling like it was the day after the breakup, and those feelings lingered for a solid week before I started to feel remotely better. It was hellish and I have no desire to go through that again. I figure this process is absolutely hard enough without making it harder on myself. And, I also know that based on how we broke up (me wanting to stay together, him being unsure about us, not wanting a future with me, etc.) that it doesn't matter what I do or say, HE is the one who needs to want a relationship. If he ever does, he knows how to reach me. If he doesn't, I don't want anything to do with him right now.

[OuchMyBrain]

Sheer terror, the fact that I'm not ready to face whatever crap she may deal me, and she's capable of dealing out a ton of crap, especially if she feels threatened. I need to work on me like I'm some kinda emotional Batman before I'm ready to face that again. Unfortunately in my case, it's an inevitability that I see her again. My therapist recently pointed me in the direction I need to grow, after months of slow, torturous work.

 

If you can avoid her, at any cost, do so. Your soul will thank you for it!

 

 

I completely agree with the above.

 

NC comes in stages. Initially you'll be upset/angry enough to force yourself to have some dignity and respect, and stand up for yourself by ignoring texts. You will think about them every day, and fight the urge to text. It doesn't just go away, but you are dead set on not replying.

 

Then a month will go by, and you will feel a sense of accomplishment, and then when they text you after that, your anger/hurt will often turn to fear of actually GETTING in contact with them. Will they be super nice? will they let you down and hurt you yet again? You don't want to find out. That is a great place to be, in that place where you realize you're only human, you're not a superhero, and don't have to have this "maybe i'll be the bigger person and try to fix things" mentality. You don't have to be their friend, you don't owe them anything, you just have to protect yourself.

 

I honestly started off NC thinking that if I felt better after a certain amount of months, I would contact my ex. When that time came, I was amazed at how time had passed (even though it still seemed like forever), and didn't want to mess up my progress. I still today know my weaknesses, and have a healthy fear of going down the same road. You need a healthy fear to keep you away for good. It's for YOUR good.

[John John]

Ouchmybrain, I understand exactly what you are saying. And you're totally right, I don't want to slow down (or completely undo) my progress either.

 

But how about if I were to get to point where I felt I was completely over my ex, and just wanted to get in touch to maybe explore the possibility of trying again, or just being friends. What would you say to that?

 

I don't think I'll be completely over her for another few months (at the earliest), but I sometimes wonder if I want to cut her out completely over the long term.

[Reflective82]

MCJD- you won't be over her in another few months. And the fact you're even still thinking of getting in contact shows this. I also don't believe you want to be genuine friends, you want to do that to grow to get back together. Again, shows you're not ready. I was in your situation about six months ago, now at 7 months in I don't WANT to contact him, but I'm still not over the hurt. I'd say you're looking at 8-9 months AT LEAST. x

[John John]

MCJD- you won't be over her in another few months. And the fact you're even still thinking of getting in contact shows this. I also don't believe you want to be genuine friends, you want to do that to grow to get back together. Again, shows you're not ready. I was in your situation about six months ago, now at 7 months in I don't WANT to contact him, but I'm still not over the hurt. I'd say you're looking at 8-9 months AT LEAST. x

 

I understand what you're saying, but how do you know I won't be over her in a few months? And yes, of course right now, I'm not over her and I don't want to be genuine friends. I currently still do want her back.

 

But when I say break NC, I don't mean doing a complete 180 and start hanging out with her everyday - I'm talking 2 minute phone convos here and there (light and friendly, just keeping in touch) and MAYBE a fun meet up (like bowling or something) after I get through a few convos, if I feel up to it.

 

My fear of doing NC indefinitely in my personal situation is that I want to keep the lines of communication at least somewhat open. I know my ex still loves me as a person (she said so several times after the break up), and I think (though not entirely sure, this is just me knowing her and how she is) there are still some "in love" feelings left too. But she also said a few times after the break up (before NC) that she was afraid to reach out to me because she was the one who hurt me, but that didn't mean she didnt want to be in touch. But given this and the fact that I know she feels very guilty about hurting me (and by extension, my family), I worry that if she ever has a change or heart or wants to at least explore the notion, she won't contact me. And that's where I guess I feel that LC comes in.

 

What is your opinion about contacting her in late March for her birthday? By then, it would have been 4.5 months since the breakup, and 2.5 months of NC.

[Reflective82]

that's really harsh to say that, I don't know what I would do in that situation. I can see why you still have hope if she says that

[Reflective82]

I just don't think you will. I don't think it's that normal to be completely over someone you loved as deeply as you say you loved her in that little time. And as you say, you want to keep the lines of communication open- so you aren't. When you are over them you aren't actually bothered about contact with them, you don't want it.

 

I think mayve a short birthday text could be ok, but then don't reply to her message back.

 

I think she does need to be the one to start the communication and not you....I personally don't buy her notion of feeling too guilty to contact, I think that is her ego talking and still wanting the comfort of you being there and trying. Pride goes out the window when you really want someone, we both know that!!

[John John]

Thank you Reflective

 

You're 100% right in what you've said. I'm just really struggling with the notion of NC (I've done it for 5 weeks so far though) because I do believe that she still loves me. I saw her in person 2 weeks after she dumped me, and I was leaving, she looked me right in the eyes and said a heartfelt "I love you." She did the same thing 2 weeks later, and I was coy and smiled at her and said "and I know you're still in love with me, you're just too proud to admit it," and she smiled and giggled and said "stop, you're making me nervous!" (Something she would always say over the years when she would be flirty with me). But then again, when she gave her reasons for the breakup, the underlying cause was her losing the "in love" feelings for various reasons I won't get into here.

 

The last phone convo we had the day before she moved out (and the night before NC started), I asked her "you're not willing to give us another shot" and she said "not right now." I then challenged her on her feelings, and she said something to the effect of that she does still love me but "confused" about her feelings for me. I then said I think it's a mistake, but wished her luck and told her to go live her life. She thanked me and said "maybe we can meet up in a few weeks and see how we're doing."

 

So if I had to guess, I believe she still loves me as a person, and I know she's down for hanging out. But as per your point (and everyone else's), I need to get to the point where I am over her and not bothered by being in contact with them.

 

Right now, I think I will send her a nice birthday text in late March, and then go from there.

[Reflective82]

That is so hard for you, and much more hard than my breakup in a way as although you've got a nice ego boost it means you're in limbo. Obviously no one can get inside your head and tell you what she thinks. But even though she is SAYING she still loves you, she broke up with you, and that does mean something. You can't be in insanely in love with someone and everything is perfect and then break up. So look at her ACTIONS and try and ignore the words I think. Talk is cheap, etc etc.

 

Also a lot of the info on here says if you stay in contact they can wean themselves off you until they no longer want you, I haven't been in this situation but it would be pretty awful.

 

If she loves you as a person and the "confused" feeling clears, she'll be back. But if she DOESN'T come back, then she can say she loves you etc till the cows come home, but ultimately she isn't doing anything to change that is she. I also worry that she will struggle with you doing NC and could potentially come back because of that, and then break it off again.

 

I don't have the answers but being a little further along than you (although a different situation) I would say definitely don't contact her because it will feed her ego and make her think she can relax because she has you. Most stories I hear of partners GENUINELY coming back is when they get the feeling the ex is moving on and they realise it's now or never

[John John]

You're totally right. Actions speak louder than words. It's like my parents have said...she left, she moved out...screw what she's saying (even though they too believe she still loves me as a person, at least). The ball is pretty much in her court.

 

But perhaps in late March I will send her a birthday text just to stay in very light contact.

[OuchMyBrain]

The best thing you can do for yourself is not contact her. If you actually have any desire to ever get back with her, NC will benefit you either way- 1) She will miss you and want you back or 2) You will have time to forget her and move on. Either way you win. By you dropping in ever so often with hello texts, just reaffirms that she can do whatever she wants and you are not a man who will stand up for yourself.

 

An article that really helped me was this: link removed

 

I read this during a time where I was obsessed with getting my ex back, but after months of actually applying it, I don't actually want my ex back anymore. Will their actions always hurt me? sure. It will always sting, but it doesn't mean I am willing to ever put myself back in that situation ever again. And sure enough, I saw things play out, just like that article mentioned they would.

 

I also want to tell you, as a female, this girl is leading you on by making statements about still loving you. Sure she loves you, but it hurts more to hear this because she does not choose to be with you. I never understood this concept until I finally stepped away and did NC. Everyone told me the same thing for so long, and I had to learn the hard way. I hope that you don't.

[Strung_Out00]

I totally agree. I now fear bumping into her or seeing her driving through town. Not having her in my life has been so routine and since it's been three months since I finalized moving out and last saw her, I don't know what it would be like now if I did hear from her or run into her in town.

[Robin2904]

For me it's a matter of not looking like a fool. So yes it's pride for me. Unfortunately I've lost so much of my pride along the way with this situation that there isn't even all that much left lol. I guess the fear of looking like an idiot is what has stopped me at times from contacting my ex, even though I have slipped up. Case and point, about a month ago I texted him after calling things quits with us- again- for the millionth time (though we were not officially back together either)- just to say hey, see how he was and it was just awkward and I felt like it was forced and like he didn't really want to be talking to me. Can't say I blame him because I was the one who called things off this time and was probably confusing him by contacting him. It's hard, you get used to someone being there all the time and them not being there just doesn't seem 'right'. Honestly though what holds me back sometimes is me telling myself there is no future there rationally- like FORCING myself to hear that. Which I do know in my brain. There are reasons why we would never work out, all of which I forget when I miss him and want to talk to him.