Not fully commited to boyfriend because he's not capable of marriage so soon.

[superfan]

To the OP: I think being in a relationship less than a year is WAY too soon to be bringing up the "marriage timetable conversation" UNLESS the couple in question is maybe older, at a later point in their lives, established and not wanting to waste time. Even then I think it's too soon, but I can see where it might come up a bit more freely in that situation.

 

That said, my husband proposed only 2 years after we had been dating and less than 1 of living together so maybe I am a hypocrite for saying it.

 

As for why marriage is still relevant, well there are lots of reasons.

 

And some of them ARE practical. The reason why my husband and I got married so quickly is one of those practical reasons. He is from Scotland, I am from Canada. I wanted to sponsor him into the country, and it was easier to do that as a spouse than it was a "conjugal partner". We had not been living together long enough to be considered common law (1 more month and we would have but I had to go back to Canada). He would have preferred to wait a few years but we sped up the timetable to make the immigration process easier. We have now been married 3 years.

 

Another reason couples get married is because it automatically guarantees benefits for their spouse if they pass away. Common law partners are entitled to benefits too as far as I know (depending on where you live) but that can sometimes be only if specified in the will so again that can create problems. Marriage makes it simpler.

 

Taxes/joint finances/life insurance, etc. all these things become easier once you are legally married.

 

The more emotional side of things is hard to explain. For some people, making it legally binding makes them feel more secure in the relationship (though as has been pointed out that is a false sense of security as divorce rates are also very high).

 

For some, it is culturally expected of them (in their religion and whatnot).

 

For some, it is a symbol of commitment that they wish to celebrate and share with friends and family.

 

Those reasons are reasons that people choose based on emotion and therefore it makes it harder to explain. If it hadn't been for the VISA and the immigration I would probably still have married my husband but it would have taken a few more years.

 

I would have married him because I love him and I would have wanted to have that commitment recognized by our loved ones and celebrated.

[tattoobunnie]

I'm totally open to having my mind changed. I would love if someone could say something to me that would bring about an epiphany and allow me to understand this whole thing. But...

 

You didn't mention a single benefit to getting married (let's not be silly and bring up taxes, please.)

 

You didn't mention a single reason why marriage is necessary for a couple to make those promises to each other, or to stay together for life.

 

You only mentioned several reasons why you would divorce someone.

 

You kind of inadvertently solidified what I was saying.

 

I had never really known what made it special. I know that it was a life goal of mine to marry and have children. But I never understood it's value and benefit until I reuinted with my husband.

 

When you meet the right guy and you do want marriage, it will make perfect sense to you. Until then, it'll seem like boloney.

[superfan]

I had never really known what made it special. I know that it was a life goal of mine to marry and have children. But I never understood it's value and benefit until I reuinted with my husband.

 

When you meet the right guy and you do want marriage, it will make perfect sense to you. Until then, it'll seem like boloney.

 

Well for some people it will ALWAYS sound like baloney. Not EVERY person is cut out for marriage, just like not every person is cut out for having kids, monogamy, etc.

 

Different lifestyles are what makes the world go round. It is possible for couples to stay together their entire lives and never marry because they don't (and will never) see the value in the institution of marriage. I think that is totally fair if they are both on the same page. If they aren't, then the relationship will likely fall apart, simple as that.

 

It's fine to think marriage is valid and to live that lifestyle, but don't look at somebody who says they don't want to be married or have kids with that knowing "Well someday you will" kind of attitude because it is not only smug, but not always accurate.

[Fudgie]

^ Yes, exactly.

 

I've gotten the line "Well when you're with the RIGHT ONE you'll know". I've been with several people by now and I've always toyed with the idea of marriage but would never budge on the kid issue.

 

I guess none of those people were right for me and nor is my current boyfriend.

 

A man I meet and fall so deeply for that I lose my mind and throw out all of my previously-held ideas, values, and priorities regarding relationships is probably not a man that would be good for me.

 

Bottomline: If you already KNOW that you want to get married, then of course you're going to want to get married when you're in love with a compatible person.

If you already have misgivings, it's not the same.

[EssexMan]

^ Yes, exactly.

[poetryandlyrics]

Expecting a proposal for anything less than a year is risky. I wouldn't advise that. The honeymoon phase typically lasts a few months to two years, depending on the individual. One year and so forth tend to be more common, which I suppose why the 1-3 years for when then engagement starts tend to be successful than less or more than that. For me, personally, I would agree to a 2 year mark. The honeymoon phase for me is done by the first year, and then there's a bit of time to really get to know each other and how to resolve conflict and all without the pretenses of being the best you the honeymoon phase tend to bring out. We each are human, flaws and all. We should know/understand whether/if/how to adapt those flaws to each other, if it's by improvement or compromise.

 

But yeah, as everyone said, there is also risk of marrying at a later term unless the couple is trying to establish yourselves. I'm in a third year relationship, and while a part of me wants it, I want to be a bit more establish than I am currently, and he's the same way. I suppose for those marrying at a later term that ends in a divorce could already have a few problems (but of course, this is not inclusive) such as commitment issues, overlooking the partner's issues in hopes a marriage would make it better, expecting nothing to change, or whatever. Just like the risks for marrying too young in the term would be not knowing the partner well enough, not knowing the flaws, not knowing how/if you could resolve issues with each other, if you could take on and face the world with each other.

 

If people want a marriage too early, they tend to be more impulsive and/or passionate, which is another indication of a possible divorce.

 

I'd say to cool it a bit and enjoy the ride for now. But how old is this couple? If they're in their early to mid 20s, it's no big deal for that time table. He might want to establish himself. She can even ask him what the ideal is like to show it's the right time to marry. Is it more stability in financial, a better career, better communication in the relationship, etc? Of course, the deal is, both of them have to be completely open to each other without getting reactive for that discussion if he goes like "I don't like the way we argue," because it's a time for listening, understanding.

[Stay_home]

Why the rush?

[LikeWater]

It could be people are just focusing on the OP's questions, staying on topic, instead of being afraid of discussions. If that's the case, there wouldn't be a lot of replies to all kinds of topics here in the first place. If you wanna debate, just start a new thread. It may be fun to take over someone else's thread, but would the OP appreciate it?.

 

I'm not looking for a debate. I was asking genuine questions.

 

Look, I'm an opinionated guy and I think far too many people rush into marriage, end up regretting it, and end up getting a divorce. I think it's a problem. So I'm just trying to figure this all out. And it's related to the OP's questions.

 

People can answer the OP's questions and mine, as tvnerdgirl did.

 

If the OP comes back (for some reason I doubt she'll even be back) and wants me to leave her thread, I'll promptly do so. Until then...

[HeatherB]

This is just my observation, but I've found that 27 is the magic age for guys. Younger than 27, and it's not wise to expect him to be thinking seriously about marriage. Older than that, and marriage starts to become a more realistic topic of conversation. (Obviously this is not scientific and there are plenty of 19 year olds etc who want marriage blah blah blah.)

 

There's a very real difference between a forever committed serious relationship and marriage. I didn't get it until I got married. I used to be a big fan of the Celtic hand fasting tradition where you basically take one year contracts to be together and then recommit each year. I even thought all couples would be better off if they could live separately.

 

But marriage is just...different...than I assumed it would be. It's not better. It's definitely less free. But it feels a lot more solid. Even though we don't have kids, I feel like I'm a part of a new family. We are a unit now. We're grown up. We're official in a way that everyone recognizes. There's more time to resolve problems. I can stomp out of the room, but I can't just say the hell with it and disappear. I'm a wife now, and it's changed me. The rest of my life is more mapped out than it was before.

[Ms Darcy]

Heather there is a study that shows that for men with a college education 26 is the time they start thinking of marriage so you are on target.

 

Likewater ... I was not trying to convince you of the benefits of marriage. You seem like you already have your stance on it.

 

My argument is that divorce is not necessarily bad. There are many valid reasons for it.

 

Also the divorce rate happens to be lower for not too young couples who are financially stable and have college educations ... which is interesting.

[Not a rookie]

What do you think of some women who are like this?

 

OR also, why should she be serious with him if he mentions "Another 5-9 years" when his friend asks when he wants to marry her?

 

I think that is perfectly okay.

Each to its own, if a guy tells me he will need another 5-9 years, he won't be able to reach me when he gets home. I would dump him asap.

Having said that, I never had a guy say something like that to me. I think a woman can sense if a man wants to get married to her or not.

The man will let you know. No need to pressure a guy or push him to commit, that won't work.

[Not a rookie]

Before I post my opinion on marriage, just want to say that I don't want to change your mind about the concept marriage or convince you of anything.

Some people are better off living their whole lives as singles. Maybe this is also the best for you.

Marriage is a relationship like any other. Both sides have to be actively in it for it to be successful.

Most marriage fail cause one side or both sides stop working on themselves or their marriage.

I've been married once and I thought it was great. Too bad it did not work. I will probably get married again this late fall.

I don't know I am sort of old-fashioned, I still believe in love.

You cannot protect your heart by staying single or non-committal. Life will throw curveballs at you.

[LikeWater]

Some people are better off living their whole lives as singles. Maybe this is also the best for you.

 

See, but when you say things like this, I have to assume that you don't understand where I'm coming from in the slightest.

[erzerum7]

This is because there is no-fault divorce and no punishment for adultery. There was a time when marriage a social contract, where adultery was a very serious offense (a capital offense in most societies, actually), and where divorce was almost impossible to get, and could only be gotten for the most serious causes: adultery, abuse, crimes, etc.

 

I'm not sure that the current system is better. With no social, economic, or legal pressure against divorce, there's no disincentive to divorcing.

 

On the other hand, given the rise of birth control and women freely having sex before marriage, a lot of men no longer have the incentive of getting married so they can enjoy sexual relations with a woman they fancy.

 

Nowadays, most people are getting married so their relationship has a more solid footing in society and before the law and so they can have kids without suffering social opprobium. But not to worry, that too will change and soon we'll be like the Swedes who usually have their kids outside of wedlock.

[Not a rookie]

See, but when you say things like this, I have to assume that you don't understand where I'm coming from in the slightest.

 

I would love to discuss this topic further with you but last night I decided that I won't discuss certain topics anymore whether it be online or offline. No offense, nothing personal. As far as this board is concerned, I am only going to respond to urgent questions posted by members in need. Wish you all the best.

[EssexMan]

But not to worry, that too will change and soon we'll be like the Swedes who usually have their kids outside of wedlock.

 

It's not just the "hyper-liberal" Scandinavians - about half of kids in Britain are born outside of marriage now, too.