Freaking out... Help me not to mess things more!!!

[rippedinsides]

When you are in control of your thoughts and actions you reward yourself with little victories like this one today.

Each day IS a stepping stone in to the next...and so on.

 

You gain control when you don't respond to his actions.

You are learning that you CAN control your own actions. You can't, won't and are not responsible for his. Nor should you care!

 

The mind is your most powerful asset. Use it! Because whatever you put your mind to doing can become reality.

 

That's true. Today I feel a tiny bit less inclined to contact him than I did yesterday.

[Edmund Exley]

However, what he doesn't know is that I've reached a stage where I've had enough. Maybe he will realize it when he doesn't hear from me for many days. I'm not doing this to try to get him back. I'm doing this to try to get ME back.

 

 

ripped - the one thing you need to come to grips with is this man is not going to have an epiphany and cry and beg for a second chance. I mean no insult here, but he is using you and you need to believe that. If he does come back acting as if his tail is between his legs, it will only be so that he can begin using you again and you will be right beck where you started.

[rippedinsides]

Thinking of what I will do if/when he comes back...that has been my undoing many times. Something's snapped inside me. I can't define it. I don't know if I will ever take him back even if he does come back and even if he really does make up for all of the pain. Sometimes I wonder if anything can make the pain go away. Maybe someday along the line I can think of what I will do if he ever comes back. But for now, I'm concentrating on trying to calm down and not have panic attacks, as I've been having of late. I'm just trying to calm down and heal a bit for now. I agree that he has used me, and if I allow him to, he will probably continue using me always. One of my friends told me that though it's been 6 years and that's a long time, I need to think of the future. Do I really want to ruin the rest of my life just because I've been a doormat for the past 6 years? I don't think I do. It's hard to believe that the man who looked into my eyes and told me he will always be true to me, would turn out like this. I remember him when he never took advantage of me, didn't manipulate me or use me. I miss the man I fell in love with

[mhowe]

I don't think there is a time when he DID NOT manipulate/use you. He has known all along that he wasn't going to commit -- and as you say - he gets you to do his work and socializes. He was willing to use you as long as you allowed it. Now you won't.

 

You are still wayyyy to focused on "if" he comes back. He won't. He will push, and give you bs. But if you call him on the bs (like using his sister/bf as example) - he KNOWS how he has behaved...because you have stayed. You REALLY leaving changes everything. As it should.

[rippedinsides]

I just checked my blocked call logs and he has called me 5 times today!!! The software I use on my phone records the calls that it disconnects. It also has an option to send specific numbers to voicemail, but I chose not to do that because I don't want to hear anymore nonsense. So I set it to send a busy tone when he calls and to disconnect it. I just looked, out of curiosity, to see whether there were any blocked calls and there were FIVE!!! And this is after me telling him NOT to call me!!! So much for respecting my request!!! Well, he can keep trying but I'm not going to respond. I've successfully completed 2 days of NC, which is the longest I've done so far. I've set 90 days of NC as my target...to begin with.

[rippedinsides]

He got in touch with me from a different number today to ask me to help him out with an upcoming assignment of his. I just told him straight off that I'm not going to do it anymore. It felt good to tell him off. But I'm feeling very b*tchy after being mean Guess it's going to take some getting used to

[vesper]

Do you want to get back together with him or move on, what is the objective ?

[mhowe]

He got in touch with me from a different number today to ask me to help him out with an upcoming assignment of his. I just told him straight off that I'm not going to do it anymore. It felt good to tell him off. But I'm feeling very b*tchy after being mean Guess it's going to take some getting used to

 

standing up for yourself is not being mean.

Not being a doormat is not being mean.

Refusing to allow yourself to be used is not being mean.

 

Please, he uses another number to get thru to you -- not to ask how you are -- but to ask you to do his work for him. Are you seeing this?

[stickman]

It's great that you are taking control! Good for you. Another victory!

 

You deserve to be happy. Why should anyone be in a relationship that does NOT make them happy?

 

When you next learn to do things for yourself and to make yourseft happy, only then can you be in a relationship with another person that does the same thing.

It's difficult at first...but keep on the same path. Also, You are learning a lot about yourself in the process right now.

[rippedinsides]

Not again!!!!

 

So today he replied to my e-mail that I sent a week ago. He said that after I told him last night that I wouldn't do his assignments, he thought over it and he accepted that he was asking too much of me. I found out from the hospital that he has asked for a reduction in assignments, only to what he can handle, so that he won't put anymore on my shoulders.

 

This evening, he sent me flowers - red roses. And a note with it that he was sorry for the way he treated me. No words of love or anything. Just a sorry. He's never done anything like this in the past 6 years.

 

I didn't contact him and I don't intend do. I don't know if he really means his "sorry". Besides, I don't know what he claims to be sorry for - treating me like a punching bag, a doormat, or what. And I don't know if the "sorry" is just to try to make me melt to do his assignments. Of course, from what I've heard, he's taken positive steps to cut down to only what he can handle. So I don't think he's trying to get around me to do his assignments.

 

I don't know what he's up to. But never has he given me roses and never has he made a gesture like this. I'm not sure...but I have the vaguest feeling that he is going to try to get back together again. At this point, I'm not ready for it. I'm not ready to be his "friend". Nor am I ready to go back into a relationship where I'll go through the same cycles of pain and suffering. I know how this is heading...this is how our last two breakups ended. The last two times too, I went silent on him. Of course back then it was NC interspersed with LC. And then he started taking the initiative to talk to me and then he told me he was sorry and would I take him back. Later he told me that he was feeling suffocated with problems and arguments. I felt that in a way that I was to blame too, because I used to have the tendency to blow things out of proportion and take off on him if he annoyed me. I brought that under control, though, when he told me how he felt. But the point is, both times that he came back to me, it happened more or less like this...he would get nice to me, tell me he's sorry, and then ask me if we could work on things.

 

A recent conversation that we had before I went NC, in that he told me that things were going fine between us till I asked him to commit. So I don't know if I pushed him to break up because of asking him to commit. But I believe that after 6 years he needs to decide to either let me go or commit to me. So I still stand on that and I don't blame myself. This time I'm not going to make excuses for him either. And I'm not going to take him back. I've had enough. Thanks to all the friends at ENA who've been really supportive, patient and helpful in hammering sense into my head. I'll post here to update on what happens in the days to come.

[rippedinsides]

Do you want to get back together with him or move on, what is the objective ?

 

At this point, I just want to heal - get my self confidence back, and to get out of this depression that I've gotten myself into. There was a point of time I was desperate to get him back. But I learned that my first priority has to be ME. I need to heal and this is what I'm focusing on. I don't know how long it will take my to get over all that I've ALLOWED him to put me through, but probably somewhere in the months/years to come, I would think about what I want to do.

[rippedinsides]

He tried to call me today. I didn't answer. Then sent me a text that he had listened to a recording I made for him many months back (after we had broken up). It was just a short 3 minute song that I wrote. He hadn't listened to it earlier. But he took time out to listen to it today. He texted saying that he listened to it and he liked it and that he was very sorry for not listening to it earlier........I didn't respond. I feel so awful for doing this, but I guess it's time I protected myself. No more allowing myself to get walked over and hurt...

[tjcalif]

You see he is realizing what an ******* he has been to you because your not right there waiting for him. Hes not used to that. If you stay NC you can get your self respect back and show him you don't need him to be happy. Stay strong girl you can turn this around..

[icantsay]

Wow! I admire your strength, and honestly I think you are doing the right thing! You are not only showing him that you are better than that and deserve more respect, but also showing yourself that you can go on without him!

 

Be careful and don't fall for his attempts to reach out - he might just be getting an impulse to contact you and may not mean anything more than curiosity and testing you. Stay strong and don't let him have you whenever he decides. Show him that you deserve respect!!!

 

Stay strong and keep us updated

[rippedinsides]

It's been over a week of NC...I guess around 10 days. It's been really hard to stick to it, especially as he calls me almost every day. Today I had switched off my phone and I had a long sleep after more than a year. For the past year I've just not been able to eat, sleep or do anything that I ought to do. Today it all caught up and I slept for over 12 hours. When I switched my phone on, I got a missed call alert from him. He calls or texts me each day. He tells me he cares for me very much. Before I went NC on him, I told him that I couldn't just be a friend of his and I need to heal. It's been a long fight to stick to NC. There are many cases here where people go NC on someone who just doesn't want to have anything to do with them. But it's hell of a lot more difficult when the man you love breaks up with you, wants to keep in touch with you multiple times a day, and you just have to hold yourself to not respond because you want to heal and don't want to be in a rut all the time. I still have some very horrible days, where I just feel like life itself is painful. There are times when depression washes over me and I spend each day crying. But I've at least been able to stop sending him texts. And I've not answered his calls for over a week. I guess that's some progress. I'm not trying to get revenge. Just want to be able to recover and be the person I was.

[90_hour_sleep]

always wonderful to read about someone who wakes up...or is in the process of waking up. from an outside perspective, it's so obvious what's going on here. rarely that easy for the people involved to have such clarity though. but, it sounds like you've tapped into a bit of that clarity. it only gets easier... the more you reinforce this new way of thinking. whatever you feel right now is absolutely worth it. pain is always worthwhile if you let it happen. very natural...and transformative. i have a feeling you're close to reaching a point where you'll finally be above the fog. you'll see VERY clearly what you've been living with...what you've been tolerating. and subsequently, you'll also see the potential for something so much better for yourself.

 

you'll look back on the suffering someday and be grateful for it.

 

embrace the journey.