Is this strange?

[lostnscared]

Well the whole thing stooped to such a level so I think it is ok that he asked that. Guys will respect you as much as you respect yourself.

 

 

I don't feel like I was necessarily disrespecting myself by asking to see what his penis looked like, because at the time I WANTED sex with him but wanted to make sure he was the "right" size(sorry but being honest). I was drunk when I asked for the pic, but prior to that I never really thought that wanting to see a penis and know how big a man was, is not being respectful of yourself. If you know what you want and go after it, that is knowing yourself and being direct. At the time I just wanted to have sex with him, and preferred that he had a good size penis, so I wanted to see it to confirm.

 

Being drunk probably accelerated me going ahead and asking him. That being said when I saw the pic it didn't arouse me or make me excited as I imagined it would be(the size was great but it was not as glamorous as I thought it would be seeing a penis on my phone) then i remembered that I never was a fan of seeing penises on pictures and even on porn. And I felt disgust and deleted it. I did not feel degraded by it, but rather felt like he was degrading himself by sending such a vulnerable pic to someone who for all he knows could show it to her friends or send it on the net. But I was thinking of myself (I guess) because I would NEVER send a vulnerable picture of myself to someone I was dating or even in a relationship with. I just wouldn't put myself in that position. So when I brought it up to him over the weekend, I was trying to explain this to him(I didn't include the part about me not liking the pic) and when he still wanted me to have it, it just made me think that either he doesn't understand how vulnerable that kind of pic is or be he was just wanting to be pervy still(which I didn't necessarily mind but I was not interested in seeing a pic of his penis again).

 

And of course the other reason it might of rubbed me wrong is that when I initially asked for the pic all I wanted was sex, but now I want "more" and felt like now he's the one being all sexual. thankfully he has never asked me to send him a naked pic or even hinted at it, and if he would have I would have said no(which is what I really had expected him to say in the beginning).

 

But I don't get this whole I'm not respecting myself because I was honest and asked for something that I thought I wanted to see? Is it really degrading to want to see how big a penis is and how it looks if you are planning to have sex with someone with no strings attached? I can see if you actually want something "more" but at the time I didn't.

[pl3asehelp]

You asked him to do it and now you're questioning if it's strange? I don't get it.

[lostnscared]

You asked him to do it and now you're questioning if it's strange? I don't get it.

 

I don't think people are understanding my thread. Maybe there were too many details. But I do NOT find it strange when he sent me the pic the FIRST time. What I FOUND strange--is after I had talk with him about it(WEEKS later) letting him know I deleted it, and why I deleted it--that he wanted me to have ANOTHER picture of it AGAIN, and when I said "NO" he reacted as if he really wanted me to have it and his voice sounded weird when I said I didn't want another one and would rather have a picture of him smiling(which he still has not sent me). That is what I FOUND strange.

 

Does that make sense?

[HeatherB]

Good lordy lord. This does not need to be such a big deal. You got drunk and made a mistake. Move past it.

 

He doesn't get where you are coming from about the penis picture. He doesn't find it particularly shameful for you to have it. You don't want it. So what? There's nothing wrong with him wanting you to have the picture. Just say no. Problem solved.

 

Nobody got degraded here. You can totally salvage the dating relationship if you want to. Or not. But I don't think getting all moralistic in either direction helps anyone.

[lostnscared]

Good lordy lord. This does not need to be such a big deal. You got drunk and made a mistake. Move past it.

 

He doesn't get where you are coming from about the penis picture. He doesn't find it particularly shameful for you to have it. You don't want it. So what? There's nothing wrong with him wanting you to have the picture. Just say no. Problem solved.

 

Nobody got degraded here. You can totally salvage the dating relationship if you want to. Or not. But I don't think getting all moralistic in either direction helps anyone.

 

Thank you... Honestly that is all I wanted to know--if it was strange that he wanted me to have it so badly. The consensus here is that it's not. So I guess the question I need to ask myself is why did I find it strange? They say to trust your instincts--and my instincts told me that it was weird. But I guess I'm just being prudish or maybe I'm having second thoughts about sex with him? I don't know. I've talked to friends about this and none of them found it strange either, so it's just me... I just need to figure out WHY I found it strange.

[pl3asehelp]

I don't think people are understanding my thread. Maybe there were too many details. But I do NOT find it strange when he sent me the pic the FIRST time. What I FOUND strange--is after I had talk with him about it(WEEKS later) letting him know I deleted it, and why I deleted it--that he wanted me to have ANOTHER picture of it AGAIN, and when I said "NO" he reacted as if he really wanted me to have it and his voice sounded weird when I said I didn't want another one and would rather have a picture of him smiling(which he still has not sent me). That is what I FOUND strange.

 

Does that make sense?

 

Unless you told him why you deleted it (you didn't tell him, right?) how would he have any idea you've changed your mind about wanting a d*** pic? Asking a guy something like that is certainly leading him on and I'm not surprised he's enthusiastic about keeping things headed in that direction once your opened the flood gates by asking for it the first time. And unless he has his social security number tattoed on the shaft or it's big enough to be next to his face in the pic, I don't see what the risk to him is - not like it's identifying in any way.

[lostnscared]

Unless you told him why you deleted it (you didn't tell him, right?) how would he have any idea you've changed your mind about wanting a d*** pic? Asking a guy something like that is certainly leading him on and I'm not surprised he's enthusiastic about keeping things headed in that direction once your opened the flood gates by asking for it the first time. And unless he has his social security number tattoed on the shaft or it's big enough to be next to his face in the pic, I don't see what the risk to him is - not like it's identifying in any way.

 

I DID tell him why I deleted it. I told him that I realized that it was inappropriate of me to ask for that type of picture, and that I felt that it put him in a vulnerable position and that I didn't want the "picture" to get out and that if he was worried about it getting out I deleted it right away and that I felt bad and guilty for even placing him in a position to where he was sending a "naked" picture over the phone. And he was just like "Oh okay... Well you don't have to feel bad about it. I wanted you to have it. Since you deleted it I can resend you another one too, do you want me to send it to you now? And I was like "No that's okay I'd rather you send me a picture of your face with a smile." And that is when he got weird about it.

 

And yes there are still ways for that type of pic to get out. I've had friends request these types of pics then show them to everyone in sight and tell them this is "so and "so's" penis. I mean is that not somewhat degrading for a man's penis to be discussed amongst friends. Not that I'd do that, but by having that picture on the phone, and living with several people I didn't want anyone to see it, or put him in a risky or vulnerable position.

[pl3asehelp]

I think in this case he's just disappointed things have taken a wrong turn from where they were headed - he thought he was very close to getting laid and after this that would seem like a remote possibility now.

[lostnscared]

I think in this case he's just disappointed things have taken a wrong turn from where they were headed - he thought he was very close to getting laid and after this that would seem like a remote possibility now.

 

We're long distance. I'm in philadelphia he is in Tennessee, even if he would've gotten laid it would have been a while. We were trying to plan for him to come visit this month, but I have children and thought I had a found a nanny to watch them, but the she flaked out. So he knows that it would have been a while before he got laid anyway, not sure why not wanting to see a picture of his penis again would have delayed it(when it was going to be delayed anyway). Beyond that I'm pretty sure he's probably had sex or is sexual with other women(right now) anyway, there are several woman at our previous job that want to have sex with him and we're not in a relationship and I pretty much told him he is free to have sex with any of these girls(I told him this when I was only wanting sex because I didn't want him to think we were exclusive or get attached to me), so I don't see why not getting laid anytime soon by me would hurt him.

 

But thank you. I think it's just me that finds it strange and I'm wondering if it's just because I've never really had this experience before, or reverting back to feeling prudish lol.

[itsallgrand]

I honestly think you are projecting your own feelings on to him.

 

You feel icky about what you did, but justify it to yourself by saying "haven't you ever been drunk and did something stupid?".

 

I never answered that by the way. NO. I have never, ever gotten drunk and texted or phoned a guy I was seeing - but not sleeping with or sexually involved with yet - and initiated sexual talks or asked for a penis pic.

 

Look, if you do that, you set yourself up as the sex girl. The guy is going to keep coming back for more, and he'll think this is how it rolls now. It doesn't matter what you say now, it doesn't matter!

 

I'd scrap the trying to return this to 'give me a nice smile' shot and just leave it alone. Maybe you are sexually incompatible....cause he has no problem with how you are when you are horny/drunk girl texting him...but you do.

[lostnscared]

Well TBH I've only been in two other relationships, one at 15, and the other at 17 which lasted 8 years. Around that time it was normal for me and my friends to talk dirty to guys prior to doing sexual activity and I mean I never had a problem before with it effecting how serious the guy got with me, so I did it again (at 25). I think I just need to refresh my game, I honestly have no idea what I am doing anymore when it comes to dating. And all the times where I did sexually text him was when I was very drunk. I haven't drank in 3.5 weeks so maybe I'm just realizing that the whole sexual talk was really tacky? I'm not sure. I also think it could have been me grieving inappropriately(as I lost my mom at the end of November and turned to liquor and to him to mourn it).

 

And I can't really be the "sex" girl when I'm in a different state.

 

But we could be sexually incompatible, because he has already told me that A) he is a freak in bed. B) that he likes when I talk sexual with him. C) He likes talking about his penis and how I make him hard and it makes me uncomfortable honestly. D) I'm scared to have sex with someone else deep down inside because I've only been one other guy to whom I was in a relationship with for 8 years.

 

And yeah I realize now I need to scrap the give me a nice smile shot as well--because he didn't send that pic to me anyway and didn't seem as enthused.

 

But I do still like him and want to give another shot... I just probably will hold off on the sexual talk until I'm more comfortable.

[In the Dark]

He just sounds sexually open.

He's just not afraid to show his private areas to someone who he has feelings for and trusts.

 

Plus it's not like his face is in the pic with the penis so if it somehow gets leaked it would be no big deal.

 

By the sounds of things, he is more go with the flow when it comes to sex which means he isn't going to object to much.

It doesn't seem like he has pressured you in any way besides offering another pic of his wang if you wish to have a pic of it.

 

I don't think this makes him a dirty person.

[itsallgrand]

 

But I do still like him and want to give another shot... I just probably will hold off on the sexual talk until I'm more comfortable.

 

Good idea. Just forget about this stuff for now...

 

are you going to be in the same state again soon?

 

(btw, by "sex girl" I didn't necessarily mean actual intercourse. lol. Just a girl he feels he can turn to and be sexual with!)

[tiredofvampires]

I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your mother, OP.

 

I'd agree with your thought that maybe you're not ready for a relationship.

 

I think all of this is fun and titillating, and even the confusion is a bit fun, even if a bit icky....but this drunk sexting, not knowing whether you just want sex or to be with him, him not being fully available...it's just a mess and frankly, I think you're too confused and have created too confusing a situation for it to be viable.

 

A relationship, if that's what you're looking for, should start when you're not drunkenly sexting (against your own better judgment) someone who you've had mixed intentions with, isn't even there and available, while you vascillate between being horny, being grossed out, and having misgivings about the sexual vibe going on.

 

I just think you should take a break from guys, grieve the passing of your mom, and work on some of your issues so you're more clear what kind of guy you want, and how you'd like to go about a relationship.

[itsallgrand]

^that would be ideal

[lostnscared]

Good idea. Just forget about this stuff for now...

 

are you going to be in the same state again soon?

 

(btw, by "sex girl" I didn't necessarily mean actual intercourse. lol. Just a girl he feels he can turn to and be sexual with!)

 

I don't know if we're going to be in the same state again or not(in terms of living) before I moved we had a talk, and he said he would be open to moving out here especially for love. But that was back in December, but we did arrange for him to come out here to visit for a week once I found a nanny.

 

Yes maybe I am his "sex" girl. I don't know.

[lostnscared]

Your probably right but I do still like him regardless of everything you said I guess I just haven't decided in what capacity. A part of it is the distance. I don't know how much I am willing to try to invest myself with someone who lives so far away. Before I moved I would have probably gotten into a relationship with him and the confusion wasn't as great. It's become more confusing because he is far away, and I go between wanting to be with him sexually, to wanting more than realizing that I don't know if I can do distance or if I should. And it wasn't started with drunk texting. We met through work back in Mid October. And we went to lunch, went on dates, talked on the phone, etc. The sexual talk did not begin until I moved away. Prior to that we didn't engage in that. And I didn't drink either before that. I had lost a lot of weight and didn't want to gain it by drinking or being unhealthy so I wasn't a drinker. When my mom committed suicide in November, my dad started drinking more and so did my brother and the liquor was always there so I drank as well. I haven't touched liquor in 3 weeks and I also haven't "dirty" sexted him either in a while.

 

I know that the healthy thing to do is "take a break" from dating while I grieve appropriately. But then again I don't know what appropriate grieving is and TBH he is a friend to me as well, and has distracted me from what happened. I do know what kind of guy I want as well, and if I met a guy out here(in philly) that was what I wanted I still wouldn't get into a relationship with him right away but I would be interested in dating like I am now with this guy. The problem is the distance. And I suspect it's probably somewhat of an issue for him as well. I do know that at this point I don't have an interest in a relationship, but I think I want the benefits of a relationship(sex, intimacy, friendship) without the complications that come with being in a relationship(fighting, sexual incompatibility, sacrifices, compromises, problems, baggage, etc). And that is why I've been bent on not getting into a relationship.

 

But I think my reaction to this situation, is probably like someone said, my own projection and I guess his reaction wasn't strange. lol

[ConservativeM]

. So I guess the question I need to ask myself is why did I find it strange? They say to trust your instincts--and my instincts told me that it was weird. But I guess I'm just being prudish or maybe I'm having second thoughts about sex with him? I don't know. I've talked to friends about this and none of them found it strange either, so it's just me... I just need to figure out WHY I found it strange.

 

 

Whatever you felt is very normal, you have enough reason to think so. it looks strange to me to some extent but can not assure fully. Some time you have to judge based on consequence of events, not just by a single act. Your apology should have been enough indication for him. I do not know his act is just casual or deliberate from his part.

[Batya33]

My suggestion is you date someone who wants to do things in public together while getting to know each other, who values waiting to have sex until you're both more serious about each other and who is not interested in sexting while you're still getting to know each other (later on, if you're serious, well, then there's less room for misunderstanding and if it's fun for you two, go for it). It means waiting longer to be intimate and it means less instant gratification. If you just want casual sex, get a babysitter and find a sex partner to hook up with when it's convenient. But get clear with yourself on what you want.

[lostnscared]

My suggestion is you date someone who wants to do things in public together while getting to know each other, who values waiting to have sex until you're both more serious about each other and who is not interested in sexting while you're still getting to know each other (later on, if you're serious, well, then there's less room for misunderstanding and if it's fun for you two, go for it). It means waiting longer to be intimate and it means less instant gratification. If you just want casual sex, get a babysitter and find a sex partner to hook up with when it's convenient. But get clear with yourself on what you want.

 

It isn't that simple for me. I would like casual sex but not with just anybody. For me it's about being attracted enough to want to have sex with someone. And I don't find that many men sexually attractive. I've only found a few guys sexually attractive over my entire lifespan(lol). And I was in a LTR with one(my ex), and it was one of the reasons I gave this guy a chance, because even though he wasn't necessarily my type whenever he would walk pass me, or even if he was behind me I would feel sexual(if that makes sense). So just hooking up with someone won't happen because I won't have sex with someone I'm not sexually attracted to and whom I don't know. I got to know this guy before opening up with him about sex. We had known each other 2 months before I started talking to him about it, so the "friendship" did not start off sexual at all. And when we went out, it was never sexual, we went to actual public places(restaurants, bars, movie theater, etc) and he never brought it up(sex) at all. I brought it up, when I started drinking too much.

 

Anyway at this point I admit I don't really know what I want--a casual sex partner or a relationship. Both have the pro's and con's, I can't seem to decide which one I want. I know I gave this guy mixed signals because everytime he would reveal his feelings for me I would steer him to someone else or try to tell him not to "feel that way" and I told him several times I wasn't really looking for a relationship. Then obviously once I started to like him I started wanted "more" but not necessarily a relationship. But I've decided I'm going to go NO contact for 30 days to clear my head about what I want(from him and men in general) and then if he is still interested proceed from there, if not then so be it.

 

Thank you for the advice everyone.

[Batya33]

Oh I wasn't saying you should have casual sex or a relationship - you can have neither, you can casually date someone without having sex - with the key to it being that you have a clear idea of your boundaries before you get involved. Obviously you should be flexible too but to be that scattered as you were with this guy isn't good for anyone.