Ms Darcy Posted February 13, 2013 Share Posted February 13, 2013 I told him MULTIPLE times before we hung out that I would not be having sex with him That's not the point. The point is that you have poor boundaries. Shouting about your boundaries doesn't mean much if you are not acting in a way that reinforces it. (Not going to his house would be one way.) Now if he had jumped on you and raped you no one would blame you. But there are a series of choices you could have made to make yourself safer. It's common sense really. No wonder you are having so much trouble with men. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chickydoodle Posted February 13, 2013 Share Posted February 13, 2013 The point is that you have poor boundaries I think it is more that some women assume men think in the same way as us. So many men are really NOT looking for a cerebral connection. We are continuosly reminded in disappointing ways, of how they are still primarily controlled by their ccks... Some men are just a lot more skilled and less clumsy at disguising their intentions...... Amanda if you want to offload him just tell him you are not physically attracted to him and there is no hope of there ever being a physical connection. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amandacast57 Posted February 13, 2013 Author Share Posted February 13, 2013 Well, I continued to ignore him yesterday. He texted me at 5pm saying "Hey babe. How is your day?". Then at 10:45pm he said "Good talk. Night". Then this morning he said "Seriously, I see you on Facebook yet you aren't responding. Must be slammed at work". So finally I said "This won't work. I'm not sure how you don't think your behavior is off putting but I don't see this moving any further". He responded with 4 separate messages saying "Ok", "I don't either. Bye", "Go back to all the other losers you seem to date. That worked well", and "I should have just ignored you. Lol. Good thing for me is I don't have to message girls. Buh bye". I didn't say anything so I'm hoping that that is all I will hear from him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Solo Pilot Posted February 13, 2013 Share Posted February 13, 2013 Don't worry. Not all guys are jerks. Of course with you being beautiful I'm guessing you attract lots of guys so you just need to be careful and learn how to screen the good ones from the bad ones. I hope this guy didn't hurt your self esteem. He just said those means things because your rejected him and hurt his ego. And what an ego it is lol. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amandacast57 Posted February 13, 2013 Author Share Posted February 13, 2013 Don't worry. Not all guys are jerks. Of course with you being beautiful I'm guessing you attract lots of guys so you just need to be careful and learn how to screen the good ones from the bad ones. I hope this guy didn't hurt your self esteem. He just said those means things because your rejected him and hurt his ego. And what an ego it is lol. He didn't hurt my self-esteem. I was not at all attracted to him or "attached". He was very good looking but that was about it! I just hope I don't continue to get anymore messages. I blocked him on Facebook too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
calichick007 Posted February 13, 2013 Share Posted February 13, 2013 Geez, what a nut! Did your mutual friends not know he was crazy? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amandacast57 Posted February 13, 2013 Author Share Posted February 13, 2013 Geez, what a nut! Did your mutual friends not know he was crazy? If they did, no one warned me! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted February 13, 2013 Share Posted February 13, 2013 I told him MULTIPLE times before we hung out that I would not be having sex with him I think if you had to tell him multiple times then that is a red flag. If you felt comfortable going to his house because you knew him from before then it should only take one direct sentence "I'd love to come by and hang out but just so there's no misunderstanding, I'm not comfortable getting intimate with you yet". If the response was any different from "sure, that's cool" then you don't go. If you continued to emphasize it after he said something like "that's cool" then something's not right. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amandacast57 Posted February 13, 2013 Author Share Posted February 13, 2013 I think if you had to tell him multiple times then that is a red flag. If you felt comfortable going to his house because you knew him from before then it should only take one direct sentence "I'd love to come by and hang out but just so there's no misunderstanding, I'm not comfortable getting intimate with you yet". If the response was any different from "sure, that's cool" then you don't go. If you continued to emphasize it after he said something like "that's cool" then something's not right. It wasn't like that. When we were talking/getting to know each other, I would tell him that I wasn't the girl that slept with someone the first time they met me. He would come back and say he was the same way. It wasn't like I kept saying "I won't sleep with you", "I won't sleep with you", "I won't sleep with you". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Coily Posted February 13, 2013 Share Posted February 13, 2013 It wasn't like that. When we were talking/getting to know each other, I would tell him that I wasn't the girl that slept with someone the first time they met me. He would come back and say he was the same way. It wasn't like I kept saying "I won't sleep with you", "I won't sleep with you", "I won't sleep with you". He took it as a challenge. You need to quit being polite with this guy and just go silent. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted February 13, 2013 Share Posted February 13, 2013 It wasn't like that. When we were talking/getting to know each other, I would tell him that I wasn't the girl that slept with someone the first time they met me. He would come back and say he was the same way. It wasn't like I kept saying "I won't sleep with you", "I won't sleep with you", "I won't sleep with you". My only issue is why you had to say it that way or say it again and again. I'd put it in a more positive way (which I used to do) such as "I enjoy taking things slowly" but without harping on it. In one short relationship I had I harped on it because we were having sleepovers but without going "all the way" which he was fine with. What annoyed him was the third time during one date where I explained that I wouldn't be. He was right to be annoyed - why should he be subjected to my need to be defensive about my values? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amandacast57 Posted February 13, 2013 Author Share Posted February 13, 2013 My only issue is why you had to say it that way or say it again and again. I'd put it in a more positive way (which I used to do) such as "I enjoy taking things slowly" but without harping on it. In one short relationship I had I harped on it because we were having sleepovers but without going "all the way" which he was fine with. What annoyed him was the third time during one date where I explained that I wouldn't be. He was right to be annoyed - why should he be subjected to my need to be defensive about my values? Like I said, it wasn't like I kept saying I won't sleep with you, I won't sleep with you. We would be talking and would ask what my view was on sex and I would say that I didn't sleep with a guy on the first date and he would say he felt the same way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeartGoesOn Posted February 13, 2013 Share Posted February 13, 2013 Like I said, it wasn't like I kept saying I won't sleep with you, I won't sleep with you. We would be talking and would ask what my view was on sex and I would say that I didn't sleep with a guy on the first date and he would say he felt the same way. Asking what your view on sex was before getting together for the very first time is very telling, and should be taken as a glaring red flag. Either way, I would be more aware of your personal safety, and listen to your intuition when in these situations. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsallgrand Posted February 13, 2013 Share Posted February 13, 2013 I'll be honest. I'm not that shocked. I think maybe you are a little naive. I would have been out of there as soon as he tried to cuddle 'without pants'. And I wouldn't have worried about my life in that situation. There are situations where that is a genuine concern, but I wouldn't have qualified this one as being one where I would worry about 'ending up in a ditch' if I found an excuse and left after his boxers came off. I would have dismissed him as a desperate loser (in my head) and just gotten out of there. And if he showed up to my work or did any other follow up, I'd just block it before it got stupid. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LoveSoDeep Posted February 13, 2013 Share Posted February 13, 2013 OP This is SO much like the guy I just dumped....if you think after hanging out once that he's going to fast ans is a little unstable...RUN! Seriosuly. The guy I was seeing I wouldn;t hang out with him in private for the first couple weeks or it's very possible somethingliek that would have happened to me too (like the boxers incident). He was so insistant right away that I was his gf and even though I didn't go along with it and he seemed okay with it he just got more and more crazy. I'm not saying he's a bad guy....someone will love that amount of affection and attentiuon but if you're already not liking it. Just walk away. Cancel for the weekend and do the slow fade. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amandacast57 Posted February 13, 2013 Author Share Posted February 13, 2013 OP This is SO much like the guy I just dumped....if you think after hanging out once that he's going to fast ans is a little unstable...RUN! Seriosuly. The guy I was seeing I wouldn;t hang out with him in private for the first couple weeks or it's very possible somethingliek that would have happened to me too (like the boxers incident). He was so insistant right away that I was his gf and even though I didn't go along with it and he seemed okay with it he just got more and more crazy. I'm not saying he's a bad guy....someone will love that amount of affection and attentiuon but if you're already not liking it. Just walk away. Cancel for the weekend and do the slow fade. I have already cut all contact. Ya know, say we got to kissing and things moved to fast and I said "Hey, I think we should really slow down" and he agreed and respected what I wanted, then that would be one thing. But he would take his pants off and try to take mine off and I would say "Hey, I'm not comfortable with that". He would apologize but 5 minutes later he was back trying to jump me again. At one point, he was almost dry humping my leg and breathing really heavily and I just kept thinking in my head "ignore him and he will stop". It was right after that that I left. On top of the forceful, sexual attitude, the fact that he texted me crazy things, basically saying I should make time for him, etc. and told me to go back to the losers I dated previously, that just reeks CRAZY!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeatherB Posted February 13, 2013 Share Posted February 13, 2013 Next time, leave after the first unacceptable action. No need for apologies from him, just leave. If you feel the need to repeatedly tell a man that sex will not happen when you meet, that's a sign of a problem. The problem is not that you had to say it. It's that you had to repeat it. I would have canceled the date over that. It's disrespect. Do not stick around for bad behavior to continue. Bad men incorrectly consider your continuing presence as permission. One strike and he's out. No conversation, no excuses, no consideration of his feelings. Just leave. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted February 14, 2013 Share Posted February 14, 2013 It wasn't like that. When we were talking/getting to know each other, I would tell him that I wasn't the girl that slept with someone the first time they met me. He would come back and say he was the same way. It wasn't like I kept saying "I won't sleep with you", "I won't sleep with you", "I won't sleep with you". This is what you wrote earlier: "I told him MULTIPLE times before we hung out that I would not be having sex with him" I am quoting you only because I think you are getting too caught up in rationalizing and that might hurt you the next time this type of situation comes up. If he kept asking you your views on sex before the first date that is a red flag too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goodfoot Posted February 14, 2013 Share Posted February 14, 2013 This is what you wrote earlier: "I told him MULTIPLE times before we hung out that I would not be having sex with him" I am quoting you only because I think you are getting too caught up in rationalizing and that might hurt you the next time this type of situation comes up. If he kept asking you your views on sex before the first date that is a red flag too. Exactly! If neither one of you are interested in sex early on, how does it keep coming up? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Solo Pilot Posted February 14, 2013 Share Posted February 14, 2013 Seriously!!! This thread is still open? She messed up and hopefully is a little more wiser. Let us not beat a dead horse. OP I don't know how young or old you are, but please take our friendly advice and try to be more careful. Just saying that like a big brother would to his lil sister Guys can be very selfish and even dangerous. Just learn how to watch for red flags in a male. I dunno how much dating experience you have but don't worry it takes time to weed out the fools before you find that diamond in the rough! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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