christi11 Posted February 9, 2013 Share Posted February 9, 2013 Hi my name is christi and my boyfriend have been together for 3 years now, and about 6 months ago I found out he was using Gay Roullette and watching gay porn. He was doing it for about 3-4 months behind my back, I found out by going to type in link removed and link removed popped up in the suggested websites. I went through his history on his computer and found that he was on there quite a few times and other gay porn websites. He told me that he masturbated with people on chat roullette and showed people everything that I thought was mine. We had a great relationship, he is loving, caring, kind and just everything I want a person. I've been a great supportive girlfriend, we always talk things through and never really had big issues before this. I love him to death, but I do not trust him. I am scared that he still isnt sure about his sexuality. When I had confronted him about the websites he said the only reason he did it was to figure out who is was, because everyone has always called him gay and he wanted to prove to him self that he wasn't gay. I don't think he is gay, but I definatly think he is curious. I told him if he needed his space to figure out who he was then I would be okay with it. I want him to be honest to him self about who he is. I am scared that one day we will be married with children, and he will decide that he wants to be a with a man or is curious about it again. I have tried to look past the whole situation, but I am scared that he is still doing this stuff behind my back and just deleting his history on his computer. He swears to me that he isn't gay and I am really what he wants and he doesn't want to lose me. But I don't know what to do anymore. Earlier this week I found out he was on it again, but he said he needed advice and was talking to one of our friends about how he thinks we are distant and he showed her the website and told her about the whole gay situation but never went on it and did anything. But I don't know how much of that I believe. I feel like there is still so much I don't know and I don't know what to do. I love him and I want to make things work but I don't know how. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jonnygrunter Posted February 9, 2013 Share Posted February 9, 2013 Sorry to say but I'm pretty sure he's gay. I'm heterosexual & although I'm in touch with my feminine side I have never once considered looking at a gay website. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jordesse Posted February 9, 2013 Share Posted February 9, 2013 This is a really hard situation and I feel for you. I don't know if this will help you but I had a friend who, by all accounts, seemed completely heterosexual. He put on a really good act, even had girlfriends. When he finally came out, we were shocked and asked him why he kept it hidden. His answer was, he hated being gay, didn't want to be gay and thought if he acted straight, he might become straight! He said he just wanted to be normal which broke my heart and made me realise just how bad societal pressure is. I don't know if your boyfriend feels like this or would go to this extreme but it might be something to consider. I really don't know what I'd do if I were in your shoes. I would be upset that he was masturbating with people on the net and would probably consider taking a break from him. He is still visiting the websites and gave a dubious explanation. I think he needs some space to work it out on his own. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WalkingGrace Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 He may not be gay. He may be bisexual. And it is possible to have a faithful relationship with a bisexual person, if they have committed to you. But he does need space to figure out what he wants. Has he been to counselling? That might help him to resolve the conflict in his head and come to a decision either way. I feel your pain. I have been in the exact same situation and it's overwhelming. You need to back off and let him figure this out for himself. P.s how was your sex life? We're there ever any indications that all was not well? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snny Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 I heard that most people on chat roullette are dudes. Even South Park had an episode making a joke about it. I am scared that one day we will be married with children, and he will decide that he wants to be a with a man or is curious about it again. Happened to a co-worker I used to work with. She was working and he was creepin' with guys... and she caught him one day while calling out from work and didn't tell him. She filed for divorce and move in with her sister's family immediately. It was really bad. I say walk away from this guy. Not only is he "insecure" with himself, but he is straight up lying to you. He's got some serious red flags. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ParisPaulette Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 Going onto a gay website once or so to check for a reaction is one thing, but if he keeps returning then sorry but he is being attracted by what he sees there. Worse, it is a form of cheating on you. While looking at porn is one thing that while maybe not everyone's cup of tea is at least still private between your guy and himself. Online sex talk and play with other people though, no that is cheating just as much as if they were in a room together. Whether he's gay or straight or bi isn't as much the issue here as the fact that he's not faithful to you. If you can't trust him and he's cheating then the relationship is already dying since all healthy loving relationships need trust to make them work. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EssexMan Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 He told me that he masturbated with people on chat roullette He was honest with you about that, and that's a good sign. he said the only reason he did it was to figure out who is was, because everyone has always called him gay and he wanted to prove to him self that he wasn't gay. I can very much understand that as a reason for going onto gay sites and looking at gay porn. However, it does seem he has a bit more interest than "just looking". WalkingGrace makes some really good points. He may be bi - which doesn't mean he's 50/50, or that he will be unfaithful. There's a famous scale developed by a guy called Kinsey, you may have heard of it, which ranks people from "totally straight" to "totally gay". In other words, a guy can be something like "90% straight and 10% gay". The bottom line of this is that it may really just be something he needs to explore in his own mind. Counselling may be a good idea, but you and him also need to be able to talk about it honestly. Would you be comfortable with the idea of him being slightly interested in guys, just as an idea in his mind, as long as he didn't cheat, of course? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Firecracker Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 I don't know if he is straight, bisexual, or gay, but I do know he is a cheater. Let him explore, and go enjoy yourself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Realitynut Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 Yep, found out Monday that my youngest boy is gay, or bi, coulda knocked me over with a feather. He's been seeing girls since 8th grade. Has had 2 girlfriends for the last 2 years...non of these youngsters are in a 'serious' relationship. He just turned 21...but looks 14 and very 'cute'...heheh...looks like ME! But anyway, his one gf told me about him being in a relationship with a guy, and this guy had hurt him really bad. Then she showed me his facebook and i guess knew his password and everything...and i saw convo's telling everything. He still denies anything ever happened (it did) and he wants to stay closeted away...so i will respect his wishes. Until he wants to come out on his own, it is not my 'right' to force him. It's taken me days to come to grips with it, and it is heartbreaking. But then again, i am a MOM and not a gf...totally different dynamic...but shocking still the same. As long as you tell him you will be there for him, if he ever needs to talk....my son apparently is ashamed of it all too.... If i had my choice, I'd be hetro too.....but it is not always a CHOICE. Essex....ive read that you once considered yourself gay, then bi, and now straight. I'd be interested in hearing more on how that transpired.....I always thought you either WERE or WERENT....cut and dried....maybe i should read that Kinsey scale. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CaliforniaGirl2222 Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 It really is hard to say, since nobody knows what is going on in his head. I actually was in the same situation years ago with my ex. I had found he went in several gay porn sites and even a gay camming site! When I confronted him, he assured me he wasn't gay-just curious. He was positive he was completely straight. I kept a close eye on him after that. As far as I know, he never went on them again. We stayed together for another two years. Our breakup had nothing to do with that. He has a new girlfriend he has been with for awhile. Also, many females including myself enjoy lesbian porn. I'm in no way shape or form a lesbian or bi. I just appreciate the female body and it turns me on. I personally do know how gut wrenching it is to come accross something like this. Just don't automatically think the worst. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lavenderdove Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 >>I am scared that one day we will be married with children, and he will decide that he wants to be a with a man or is curious about it again. You should worry. Sadly, i know several women who have been left in middle age after the kids turn 18 by a husband who decides he really is more gay than straight. They frequently carried on affairs with men for years while married and the romance with the wife dwindled down to nothing after the kids were born while the man pursued a gay lifestyle on the side. if you have caught him at it once and he said he wasn't gay and was devoted to you, then you caught him at it again, then time to throw in the towel and move on. there are many many gay men who marry because they feel it is expected of them and/or want kids and don't want their family or anyone else to know their preferences, but eventually they grow to accept it and that is when they toss over their wives and start seeing men, but only when they feel strong enough to accept that they are gay and have everyone else know it including their families. Don't sign up for a lifetime of wondering what is going on with him and a very large chance that he will one day come out of the closet and dump you in the process. If he was genuinely straight and devoted to you, he wouldn't be seeking gay chat sites. i'm really sorry, but you do need to let go and let him come to terms with who he is without wrecking your life in the process and dumping you 10 or 20 years down the road. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsallgrand Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 Also, many females including myself enjoy lesbian porn. I'm in no way shape or form a lesbian or bi. I just appreciate the female body and it turns me on. Huh?! I'm not one for labels much, but if females get your motor running, that isn't straight. Call it what you will. But it's not straight. I personally wouldn't stick around in a situation like this where a guy can't even be honest about who he is. So he doesn't even know who he is, or he hasn't accepted it. If you had known walking in that he liked "variety" or if he had said anything to that vein somewhere, you might have something to work with. But this guy is not straight. Hellllloooo. Never underestimate the power of denial. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EssexMan Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 Essex....ive read that you once considered yourself gay, then bi, and now straight. I'd be interested in hearing more on how that transpired... Think of it as a bit like maturing from childhood candy tastes to adult fine dining tastes. Eventually, you get to the point where you don't even like the candy any more, and you wonder "why was I ever so keen on that?". I'm not saying, of course, that being gay is "immature", but I think it was in my case. In retrospect I don't think I was ever wholly gay although I mistakenly self-identified that way. Certainly, I never had a romantic relationship with a guy of the sort I have subsequently had with women; there was never any very long period of being exclusively male-oriented in terms of sexual activity; and looking back on it I can see likely, though at the time completely unconscious, reasons that what I really was looking for in my early 20s was male company and approval. "Being gay" was an easy way to get that. These days, I find men wholly uninteresting sexually. The prospect isn't disgusting as such, it's just that it's about as (un)appealing as having sex with a potato. Will that change again in the future? No idea, and I see no point speculating about it. All the women I've had anything vaguely long-lasting with, from FWBs on upwards, have been aware of this, by the way. ..I always thought you either WERE or WERENT....cut and dried....maybe i should read that Kinsey scale. Far from it...in fact, I've read that relatively few people fall right at the extreme ends of 100% gay or 100% straight, though I imagine it's a pretty controversial area of research. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CaliforniaGirl2222 Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 I am straight as an arrow. Never have been or would be with a woman. Have had no desire. I'm not bisexual. porn is just something to get off too. Just because someone watches a certain type of porngraphy doesn't mean they wish they were partaking in the act. Many straight woman watch lesbian porn, just like a straight male could watch gay porn. it is just not as common. I'm not saying her boyfriend is not gay or bisexual. He very well could be. However, Just because he has watched it doesn't mean he would actually want to do it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsallgrand Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 I am straight as an arrow. Never have been or would be with a woman. Have had no desire. I'm not bisexual. porn is just something to get off too. Just because someone watches a certain type of porngraphy doesn't mean they wish they were partaking in the act. Many straight woman watch lesbian porn, just like a straight male could watch gay porn. it is just not as common. I'm not saying her boyfriend is not gay or bisexual. He very well could be. However, Just because he has watched it doesn't mean he would actually want to do it. Ok, that's just bizarre to me. To me that's just making a distinction between what you choose to live out or not....rather than actual orientation. I'm pretty straight, and never choose a relationship with a woman, but I sure as hell wouldn't call myself "straight as an arrow" when I do enjoy the female form and that turns me on. Not saying you are wrong...it's just seems like a way to avoid having any gay tendencies associated...but why?! "straight as an arrow" to me are those folks who simply don't get turned on by the opposite sex at all. Call me crazy! But that's what I think when someone tells me they are straight. lol. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheEliteLS Posted February 11, 2013 Share Posted February 11, 2013 Lesbian porn is boring for me lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
irishapple Posted February 20, 2013 Share Posted February 20, 2013 Kinsey scale whilst being discredited still holds a lot of sway. The constructs of society are that we must behave to certain norms that are dictated, if your boyfriend is gay/bi/straight once you are sure that he loves you then this looking at porn should not count. Often us men can admire athletes or be sexually attracted to men and there is all shades in between. Sit him down and discuss it and ask him about the gay porn, he is being honest with you which shows that he is somewhat trustworthy if not fully. California girl is correct, just discuss it. Communication is the key to any good relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
irishapple Posted February 20, 2013 Share Posted February 20, 2013 Ok, that's just bizarre to me. To me that's just making a distinction between what you choose to live out or not....rather than actual orientation. I'm pretty straight, and never choose a relationship with a woman, but I sure as hell wouldn't call myself "straight as an arrow" when I do enjoy the female form and that turns me on. Not saying you are wrong...it's just seems like a way to avoid having any gay tendencies associated...but why?! "straight as an arrow" to me are those folks who simply don't get turned on by the opposite sex at all. Call me crazy! But that's what I think when someone tells me they are straight. lol. I would be more worried about your need to judge someone whom has admitted to being comfortable in their sexuality. You felt the need to iterate you were straight . In ancient Greece admiration for the body of the same sex was fully acceptable. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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