Steve75 Posted February 6, 2013 Share Posted February 6, 2013 i agree with the majority here, you are her second choice, she has liked this guy before you and has been waiting for him to make a sign, meantime she has likely only been dating around to distract her from her feelings for the other guy. sticking around will have you lose your self-respect, so you move on too. I personally have no clue how people multi-date, i can't do it either, and i don't wanna date someone who is seeing 2-3 people at the same time, you never feel like you have their full attention. But no one is supposed to know that the person they are going out with is dating multiple people. Usually that information is confidential. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steve75 Posted February 6, 2013 Share Posted February 6, 2013 I don't think most men can multi-date because since we are expected to pay unless a guy is making a very nice salary, I don't see how he can date 4 or 5 woman at one time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsallgrand Posted February 6, 2013 Share Posted February 6, 2013 Nicely done. Don't worry. There's a nice woman out there for ya. Kudos for walking away with grace. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
llw11 Posted February 6, 2013 Share Posted February 6, 2013 Nexting her was the best thing. Sharing women is never fun; but she goes get points for being up front about it. She likely would have dragged it on for a loooonnggg time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
llw11 Posted February 6, 2013 Share Posted February 6, 2013 I don't think most men can multi-date because since we are expected to pay unless a guy is making a very nice salary, I don't see how he can date 4 or 5 woman at one time. That's why you do things like "coffee" dates or going for walks, etc. No sense in investing in a first date. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steve75 Posted February 6, 2013 Share Posted February 6, 2013 That's why you do things like "coffee" dates or going for walks, etc. No sense in investing in a first date. But coffee and walks normally happen on date 1. If you have 3 woman liking you then you have to pay for dinner for 3 woman which is well over a $100 followed by more dates. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EssexMan Posted February 6, 2013 Share Posted February 6, 2013 But coffee and walks normally happen on date 1. If you have 3 woman liking you then you have to pay for dinner for 3 woman which is well over a $100 followed by more dates. Heh, I must move, dinner for one woman (and myself) is getting close to $!00 here. But seriously, if dating three is a problem in that way, why not just pick the most promising? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pippy longstocking Posted February 6, 2013 Share Posted February 6, 2013 It was a good reply back ...you have walked with dignity ...well done x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Capricorn3 Posted February 6, 2013 Share Posted February 6, 2013 My immediate impression was that you are her second choice. So, if choice #1 doesn't work, you are her back-up plan. That's just nasty. You did the right thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steve75 Posted February 6, 2013 Share Posted February 6, 2013 Heh, I must move, dinner for one woman (and myself) is getting close to $!00 here. But seriously, if dating three is a problem in that way, why not just pick the most promising? For one woman it can be anywhere from $40 to $60. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted February 6, 2013 Share Posted February 6, 2013 I think the real flag is that you are making it clear to women that you are tired of dating. That could come accross as desperate and/or frustrated and isn't attractive. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Solo Pilot Posted February 6, 2013 Share Posted February 6, 2013 Yah and don't give up doing the online dating thingy. As you know it's soooo much harder for men on those websites, but I still think it's a great and powerful resource to use when trying to meet people that you wouldn't normally run accross in your normal circles. That being said the cliche of it takes time is very true. It took me over 9 months to find the 'one'. You can't give up or get jaded either. Someone much smarter than me once said 'you only fail when you give up'. One thing I know is you have to be at peace with yourself if you never find someone. In another words, can you be happy the rest of your life if your always single? If the answer is no than that can be a problem... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steve75 Posted February 6, 2013 Share Posted February 6, 2013 Yah and don't give up doing the online dating thingy. As you know it's soooo much harder for men on those websites, but I still think it's a great and powerful resource to use when trying to meet people that you wouldn't normally run accross in your normal circles. That being said the cliche of it takes time is very true. It took me over 9 months to find the 'one'. You can't give up or get jaded either. Someone much smarter than me once said 'you only fail when you give up'. One thing I know is you have to be at peace with yourself if you never find someone. In another words, can you be happy the rest of your life if your always single? If the answer is no than that can be a problem... This little fact that online dating is harder for men "Plenty of ugly woman have profiles saying what they want" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Not a rookie Posted February 6, 2013 Share Posted February 6, 2013 This little fact that online dating is harder for men "Plenty of ugly woman have profiles saying what they want" Equally you have the male weirdos. Must read: link removed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LonelyPast Posted February 7, 2013 Author Share Posted February 7, 2013 Equally you have the male weirdos. Must read: link removed Are you serious!? That article may as well have been titled "How to be a conceited ***** and avoid commitment from men." An excerpt for those who can't be bothered to click the link: "Around this time two years ago, I created an online dating profile. Why? I was becoming curmudgeonly, and lazy. I had a busy social life, a job I liked, smart friends, and a general aversion to committed relationships—and no incentive to clear the way for dudes. I wasn’t opposed to dating, but I had exhausted the friends of friends category. Getting set up ended only in awkwardness. Men in bars got the stink eye. Then my friend Priscilla—an attractive, normal, and well-socialized young woman—signed up for OkCupid. She advised me that online dating probably wasn’t the path to a relationship, but it would get me out of my dating rut. “It’ll make you stop being such a judgmental *****,” was how she put it. “You’ll have to be nice to people.”" She then goes on to talk about how online dating is actually a wonderful opportunity for entitled women like herself to be even *****ier and more heartless since the web provides them a layer of safety from the natural repercussions of their impoliteness. I'm sorry, but I don't have the slightest bit of sympathy for her, women like her, or their laundry lists of insulting complaints. I don't meet any of her red flag criteria, but I get the feeling she'd find a way to be rude to my face anyway and then have a "let's go make fun of the guys we've dated this week" session over drinks with her girlfriends. I hope she's not your role model, unless you're looking forward to dying alone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EssexMan Posted February 7, 2013 Share Posted February 7, 2013 Are you serious!? That article may as well have been titled "How to be a conceited ***** and avoid commitment from men." Just read it. Mildly amusing and perceptive in bits, but seriously crass. "Read some books by women. See some films made by directors of color." FFS! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
onelittleladybug Posted February 7, 2013 Share Posted February 7, 2013 I didnt read the article, only the list but I have to confess her list is my list and has been for years. Everything on it is a major turn off for me on a dating profile, except the white artist preference which I would not have noticed. OP did I read correctly that you have been on 2 dates with her? Sounds like she has known the other guy a lot longer. I think it was very honest of her to tell you about this and I honestly think your reply was almost rude. If I got a response like this "I think its common courtesy to only date 1 person at a time" after laying my cards on the table like that, I would experience it like criticism, I would take it as you were saying I didnt have common courtesy. So if I was in her shoes and the other guy didnt work for me and I was feeling like I wanted to focus on only one person, I would not contact you when I otherwise may have. Nothing wrong with the choice you made, I would have chosen the same. Just didnt like that line you dropped, to me it made you sound a bit bitter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blueidealist24 Posted February 7, 2013 Share Posted February 7, 2013 Who cares if he was slightly rude or bitter-sounding? I think she was slightly rude by asking him to be her backup plan, even though she didn't use those exact words. If I was the girl and I wanted to pursue the other guy I would have told the OP that I just wanted to be friends and "let" him go find someone else who actually wants him.. not try to keep him dangling on a string. I wouldn't have even mentioned there was another guy, just that I wasn't feeling a relationship with the OP. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rosasnyder811 Posted February 7, 2013 Share Posted February 7, 2013 If you are okay with dating---and from her message, it seems you are---then go for it. Here we go with negative people chiming in already. DATING is not a RELATIONSHIP. Dating several people is NOT wrong, it is actually NORMAL. Somehow society lately has tried to convince us that this is wrong. You date so you CAN make a decision. The choice is yours. You have the chance to be the better man. Can you do that? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
onelittleladybug Posted February 7, 2013 Share Posted February 7, 2013 Who cares if he was slightly rude or bitter-sounding? I think she was slightly rude by asking him to be her backup plan, even though she didn't use those exact words. If I was the girl and I wanted to pursue the other guy I would have told the OP that I just wanted to be friends and "let" him go find someone else who actually wants him.. not try to keep him dangling on a string. I wouldn't have even mentioned there was another guy, just that I wasn't feeling a relationship with the OP. How do you know for sure he was a back up plan? Maybe she was actually more interested in the OP just thought it too early to choose. I honestly think a lot of people find themselves in this situation at some point in their lives, and it doesnt say much about them really - sometimes it really is just bad timing. You can go all your life only dating one person at a time and then one day you find yourself in a situation you have never been in before. How do you deal with it, how do you choose when you dont have enough information to make a good call? I think she did the right thing, she told him exactly her situation completely openly and honestly and let him decide for himself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EssexMan Posted February 7, 2013 Share Posted February 7, 2013 Dating several people is NOT wrong, it is actually NORMAL. Somehow society lately has tried to convince us that this is wrong. I suspect simultaneous multi-person person dating is probably a fairly recent innovation (post-1960s anyway). Which is not to say that it's wrong at all, though personally I prefer not to do it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LonelyPast Posted February 7, 2013 Author Share Posted February 7, 2013 I think it was very honest of her to tell you about this and I honestly think your reply was almost rude. If I got a response like this "I think its common courtesy to only date 1 person at a time" after laying my cards on the table like that, I would experience it like criticism, I would take it as you were saying I didnt have common courtesy. So if I was in her shoes and the other guy didnt work for me and I was feeling like I wanted to focus on only one person, I would not contact you when I otherwise may have. Nothing wrong with the choice you made, I would have chosen the same. Just didnt like that line you dropped, to me it made you sound a bit bitter. I believe we were both honest and laid our cards out, but honesty alone doesn't imply that I have to agree to her terms. If I came off a bit bitter, it's because I am. No sense in sugarcoating it now. I'm not waiting around! If you are okay with dating---and from her message, it seems you are---then go for it. Here we go with negative people chiming in already. DATING is not a RELATIONSHIP. Dating several people is NOT wrong, it is actually NORMAL. Somehow society lately has tried to convince us that this is wrong. You date so you CAN make a decision. I date so I can make a decision about the person I'm dating. The choice is yours. You have the chance to be the better man. Can you do that? Indeed I can... By respecting myself and refusing to be juggled around like that. I suspect simultaneous multi-person person dating is probably a fairly recent innovation (post-1960s anyway). Which is not to say that it's wrong at all, though personally I prefer not to do it. Exactly. The world is a bit more equal now. Women, if they choose, can have their cake and eat it too by dating several men at once. Many of them do. In turn, men, if they choose, can refuse to date women who do so. Many of us are making this choice as well. There's no absolute right or wrong here. That's what freedom and equality are all about: Being allowed to make your own decisions in the big social sandbox of life and bearing the consequences of whatever actions you take. Oftentimes, such women will find themselves resented for their attitudes, and such men will find themselves sitting on the bench while the dating game plays on. That's life today. The game may very well change tomorrow, at which point I'll step up to the plate once more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rosasnyder811 Posted February 7, 2013 Share Posted February 7, 2013 Sounds like you've made the decision already, so why are you asking for advice? Dating is not a relationship, it is dating. As you said, to make a decision about the person. So, she has two people she is trying to decide between. I guess it's your decision whether you want to make her decision easy or difficult. It's not juggling, and it is not disrespectful to yourself if you keep in mind that it is dating, not a relationship. Nor is she evil for doing so---she has made it clear to you, and I respect her candor in this. She cares about you enough to tell you what's up, so keep that in mind. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Not a rookie Posted February 7, 2013 Share Posted February 7, 2013 How old do you think I am? 16? I am my own role model. I have a boyfriend now thank you very much and I don't date men from the internet. There might be some good men on dating sites but most of them are weirdos and players. I also have no fear of being alone. Touche. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
onelittleladybug Posted February 7, 2013 Share Posted February 7, 2013 I believe we were both honest and laid our cards out, but honesty alone doesn't imply that I have to agree to her terms. If I came off a bit bitter, it's because I am. No sense in sugarcoating it now. I'm not waiting around! Never said you have to agree to her terms. I completely understand that you are not comfortable, Im not sure I would be. It sounds like you dont care that you came off as bitter. I just think you are way overreacting, not by deciding not to pursue this further but by how you talk about it here and to her (unless you already were intimate, and then I would understand your reaction better). And that if she was making a mistake she would have to be pretty brave to try to approach you again which IMO is too bad, but you dont seem to be worried about that so then all is good. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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