confused31681 Posted February 1, 2013 Share Posted February 1, 2013 sometimes people have unfair or unrealistic expectations. some people are controlling, demanding, passive aggressive, and hypocritical. Some people dont look at their partners as individuals but some ingredient in their life that should be exactly perfect to and for them, and dont respect or consider their feelings. This is psychology too. no one size fits all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rosasnyder811 Posted February 1, 2013 Share Posted February 1, 2013 That still doesn't mean it's the fault of their partner. I can't believe you're still not getting that yet. I can't believe I'm going around in circles with someone who thinks I don't get it, when they don't get it. There is almost always the fault of both. I said to private message me your response. Stop caring more about your ego and help this person. Private message me your concerns with me, this is not the place for it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rosasnyder811 Posted February 1, 2013 Share Posted February 1, 2013 I agree with your idea that someone doesn't leave a relationship if they are happy, but your idea that someone's happiness is always solely derived from their partner and it's therefore their partners fault that they are not happy is totally ridiculous and wrong. You don't have to have any special qualification to understand this basic truth. PM to you won't help the OP. Where did I say that happiness is derived from the partner? I didn't. Happiness comes from within. Satisfaction with the relationship comes from your partner. If your partner does not have everything you want, you will not be happy with your partner, therefore you eventually look elsewhere. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pl3asehelp Posted February 1, 2013 Share Posted February 1, 2013 Where did I say that happiness is derived from the partner? I didn't. Happiness comes from within. Satisfaction with the relationship comes from your partner. If your partner does not have everything you want, you will not be happy with your partner, therefore you eventually look elsewhere. You said it in your post with the numbered list, number 1. If everything a person wants out of a partner is something unhealthy, sure they look elsewhere, but that doesn't mean it was their partners fault for not providing them with this, it's their own fault for expecting something unhealthy. You know psychology isn't even a science right? It's just some ideas, most of them very old and from a handful of people. Not that psychology would support your notion either though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
audax Posted February 1, 2013 Author Share Posted February 1, 2013 People, please!! I do not want this thread to lead to such arguments. In fact I feel quite good, that so many people actually have given sensible responses. I appreciate each and everyone's reply. Each one's suggestion comes from their experience and what they feel is right. Kindly do not argue. What you people have done is got me thinking more clearer and given me, rational views. That is what I wanted. Thank you for all your responses once again. I owe it to you guys, if not in helping me salvage this mess, but atleast for making me feel better..Thanks! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
confused31681 Posted February 1, 2013 Share Posted February 1, 2013 if i cheat on my gf because i start to feel like she isnt exciting anymore, that she's not as pretty or as wealthy or intelligent as the other woman, that she's just not subserviant enough, does that make it her fault? of course not. maybe its no one's fault- but only if i respectfully end the relationship before i start examining my options and comparing her to them. thats what is just plain wrong. "Psychology" gets thrown around a lot but its no excuse for treating people poorly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Capricorn3 Posted February 1, 2013 Share Posted February 1, 2013 People, please!! I do not want this thread to lead to such arguments. Kindly do not argue! I agree. Mod Note: Please stop with the argumentative posts and focus on the original post and questions, or the thread gets closed. Thanks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
whysoalone Posted February 2, 2013 Share Posted February 2, 2013 I've lurked this post for a little while and thought i'd chime in with my 2 cents! I've actually been in the "other guys" shoes before. The only difference was, his girlfriend (My good friend) was open to her BF about talking to me. We were pretty open about the fact nothing was going to happen, even then her BF was still a bit of a knob about it. I dislike the stereotype that men should only speak to men and women to women, while it still would make me uncomfortable to have my GF talking to other guys I'd be very hypocritical considering a majority of my mates are female. Just stop paying her bills, stop attempting to contact her. She'll either start missing you and need you and end up contacting you quickly or just complain about you to this other guy. Keep yourself busy and just give her space, not texts or phone calls, no bill payments. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EssexMan Posted February 3, 2013 Share Posted February 3, 2013 I dislike the stereotype that men should only speak to men and women to women, while it still would make me uncomfortable to have my GF talking to other guys I'd be very hypocritical considering a majority of my mates are female. Absolutely, but this is not just "talking to guys" in general or even having male friends, it is having one very close male friend to whom she dedicates a huge amount of time, at the expense (in multiple senses) of her boyfriend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted February 3, 2013 Share Posted February 3, 2013 I also agree that men and women can be friends. However, if the OP is paying his gf's rent so she doesn't have to have a job and can focus on her studies..... and she repays him by spending all those hours on the phone WITH ANOTHER MAN, well, she may as well be spitting in his face. blah. find a new girlfriend. and i wouldn't pay for the next one's rent or expenses either. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
audax Posted February 4, 2013 Author Share Posted February 4, 2013 I also agree that men and women can be friends. However, if the OP is paying his gf's rent so she doesn't have to have a job and can focus on her studies..... and she repays him by spending all those hours on the phone WITH ANOTHER MAN, well, she may as well be spitting in his face. blah. find a new girlfriend. and i wouldn't pay for the next one's rent or expenses either. Thank u for all for the responses. Well, no progress yet. She gets very angry and stops picking my calls the moment I ask her questions regarding him. I have no idea why she is being so aggressive if there is actually nothing to hide. I havent been able to get her to talk. Paying her bills is the last thing on my mind currently. Like I mentioned before, I wouldn't want anything in return for that, just helping her out. If I could just get her to talk and get the truth out..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted February 4, 2013 Share Posted February 4, 2013 She gets angry. That's what liars do. You should read the book, "never be lied to again." The fact is, since she is not straight up answering your questions, she's probably lying. I would cut off your financing of her lifestyle and move on to a woman whom you can trust and will be open and honest with you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PaintWithLight Posted February 4, 2013 Share Posted February 4, 2013 How did you stumble upon this information? It is scary that you have to clock her like this. The relationship is over. It could not survive the distance. Someone needs to make the hard decision here and end this officially. This is no way to live. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
audax Posted February 4, 2013 Author Share Posted February 4, 2013 How did you stumble upon this information? It is scary that you have to clock her like this. The relationship is over. It could not survive the distance. Someone needs to make the hard decision here and end this officially. This is no way to live. U mean the phone calls? My bills went through the roof last two months.. Since the connection was new(family plan), we didn have alot of rollover minutes. She would call him before 9pm too.. So it all added up. That is how I even got to know in the first place. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted February 4, 2013 Share Posted February 4, 2013 Yeah it's time to break up and take her off your plan ASAP. Stop paying her bills. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
capilot Posted February 4, 2013 Share Posted February 4, 2013 1. She ends any call with me well before 11 PM citing reasons of work 2. She is on call with one particular guy, till 2-3 AM. Then he's more important to her than you are. It's just that simple. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lavenderdove Posted February 6, 2013 Share Posted February 6, 2013 >>I havent been able to get her to talk. I'm really sorry... that is classic liar/cheater behavior. She has no defense, so if you try to talk about it she either runs/hides because she wants to avoid it, or else she gets aggressive and goes on the attack to try to scare you into leaving it alone and ignoring it. When my ex-husband started cheating, i would ask him a simple question like where he had been when he disappeared for a large block of time and he'd just start yelling rather than a normal response like 'i was at the store'... he'd instead start screaming and go right for things like 'can't i be allowed a few moments to myself' and 'what does it matter where i was, you don't own me' etc., anything that took the focus off exactly what he was doing and trying to intimidate me into not asking anymore. You keep saying the money doesn't matter to you, but you are missing the point that the money matters a LOT to her because that is how she is surviving right now. So if she already has a new BF (and hasn't told you about it), it is because she is probably waiting until she finishes school and then will move to be with him. Right now she can't afford to break up with you, literally, without dropping out of school. So i think the odds of her being honest with you and telling you what she is doing with him and that she is seeing him now are about zero, because doing so would cut off her source of income while in school. So she sees him, and lies to you and pacifies and bullies you stringing this along until she is in a financial position to leave. Sadly, people do this all the time when they are dependent on one person for income and aren't ready to let that income go yet. So they nurse it along until they're ready, then they leave without even a thank you for your having supported them while they cheated with someone else. So i think what people are trying to tell you is it is looking about 95% sure she is cheating with this guy and intends to eventually leave you based on how she is acting. You need to step up your efforts to determine whether it is true or not. Unless you are willing to support her until her school is done and get dumped then, because it sounds like it is inevitable that will eventually happen. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stuka80 Posted February 7, 2013 Share Posted February 7, 2013 um, open your eyes and stop listening to her lies. there's something going on between her and that guy, if they haven't been messing around already. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stuka80 Posted February 7, 2013 Share Posted February 7, 2013 If someone is bored with a relationship, they are not getting something out of it. Excitement. I can't believe people are arguing simple psychology. the one thing you seem to be ignoring throughout this entire discussion is that if she has a problem with him, why doesn't she communicate it to him instead of going behind his back to search for his replacement already? Why not talk to your partner instead of pull the rug from under him? You dont seem to understand what loyalty in a relationship means and somehow think it's partly the other person's fault that their partner is running around with someone else. Yea it could be 100% his fault or it could be 50/50. The point is not that it could possibly be his fault, it's that she's not even discussing it with him and instead is already most likely cheating on him with another guy. Why not talk to him about the problems or simply break up with him and then go run around with other men? Instead she chose to cheat on him. That's a simple fact and courtesy you should've given to your partner that you can't seem to grasp. And given the fact that he's paying for her spoiled ass to make ends meet and basically gives him the finger whenever he brings up her suspicious behaviour, instead of telling him to be a man, grab his balls and throw the ***** out to the curb, you instead want him to tuck his tail between his legs and beg her to help make things right with him...astounding...Hey OP, preserve your dignity and DEMAND that you and her talk about this issue, and if she's being a little spoilt brat about it, then throw her out of your life, dont let the door hit her on the way out and find yourself a woman who has some class and gratitude for the things you offer. The person i quoted gives horrible advice, i hope you're smarter than that. If you're unhappy about something in a relationship, then talk to your partner to fix it not **** on him by cheating on him with someone else. That shows a tremendous flaw of character but i guess loyalty and integrity of character dont matter to some people. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
huskiesfan Posted February 11, 2013 Share Posted February 11, 2013 I agree with the other posters in this thread. It's highly likely that she is pursuing something with this other guy, but she's also aware that ending things with you will basically end her current lifestyle as she knows it. As far as getting an answer as to what is going on between her and this other guy, I think her combativeness is as good of an answer as you're going to get. She's probably in full blown panic mode and is either trying to stonewall in the hopes that you'll drop the matter, or is using it as a cover for her to try to find another way out of this situation. I say beat her to the punch and end support for her. She cannot have your financial support on one hand and a fling on the other hand, that is disrespectful and deceitful. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
C0NFUSED1 Posted February 11, 2013 Share Posted February 11, 2013 I've been in the OP shoes(actually just made a thread about it as well) and it's not always as innocent as your case. I was ok with ym GF texting the guy, it continued to escalate and then she ended up doing something at a party with him. Things can start innocently as friends and then become an issue for the other persons significant other. A lot of good advice here. I would DEFINITELY stop paying her bills. If she is unwilling to talk to you about something that is clearly a big issue for you after FIVE years then something is wrong. I think you should force her hand and confront her in person and tell her that this is a big issue for you and that you need to figure it out. And go from there. Tough situation sorry OP. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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