rosasnyder811 Posted February 1, 2013 Share Posted February 1, 2013 What you're missing is that not every relationship falls into the "marriage" bucket. These two aren't married. They're not engaged. What they are is long distance boyfriend and girlfriend. In this case, he's paying her bills while she threatens a breakup whenever he mentions how it bothers him when she's up till 2 AM talking to another guy. Those are the facts. I think it's better to focus on them instead of turning this into some moral commentary on how easily people get divorced nowadays. You missed my whole point, but okay. Stop paying her bills. The end. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rosasnyder811 Posted February 1, 2013 Share Posted February 1, 2013 Where did you get that she hasn't told him about this? I agree that she could be taking advantage, but let's stick with the facts to help him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
audax Posted February 1, 2013 Author Share Posted February 1, 2013 Where did you get that she hasn't told him about this? I agree that she could be taking advantage, but let's stick with the facts to help him. I dont know alot about her ex. I never actually wanted to dig into her past and end up judging her when I could figure her out by just spending time with her. All I know about her ex is that he is quite well-off, and a "player", which is why she ended things with him. Do you guys suggest I stop talking to her for a while to show that Im really hurt. Ive never disconnected myself from her, for whatever reasons. Thinking it might jolt her back to her senses, though I dont like it if either one of us dictates terms in the relationships. Man I feel old. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pl3asehelp Posted February 1, 2013 Share Posted February 1, 2013 I dont know alot about her ex. I never actually wanted to dig into her past and end up judging her when I could figure her out by just spending time with her. All I know about her ex is that he is quite well-off, and a "player", which is why she ended things with him. Do you guys suggest I stop talking to her for a while to show that Im really hurt. Ive never disconnected myself from her, for whatever reasons. Thinking it might jolt her back to her senses, though I dont like it if either one of us dictates terms in the relationships. Man I feel old. Making her pay her own rent would be a more appropriate and effective jolt to her senses. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SapphireNoir10 Posted February 1, 2013 Share Posted February 1, 2013 Yeah honestly if a guy mate told you all this...what would you tell him? a. to stop paying for her b. her friendship or whatever is inappropriate c. she can't just cut you off and ignore you rather than concentrate on your problems If the balls in her court all you can do is wait till she decides to speak to you again Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lavenderdove Posted February 1, 2013 Share Posted February 1, 2013 Honey, the real issue is she is just thumbing her nose at you to satisfy her desire to have an emotional affair with another man (and maybe a physical one). People just don't have these late night bedroom conversations if all they are are buddies. Emotional affairs are just as destructive as physical ones, in fact they can be more so because she is bonding and building a relationship with someone else and confiding in him rather than you, so she is driving a wedge into a crack in your relationship. It sounds like you are a generous man. But my experience is that sometimes people with the best morals and values just assume someone else has the same good morals and values. They assume their partner would never cheat or lie or take advantage of them for no other reason than it wouldn't occur to themselves to cheat, lie, and take advantage of someone. So those assumptions can make you vulnerable to being taken advantage of by someone who doesn't have the same good character that you do. Let's take an example. If you were living with her or married, would it be acceptable for her to lie in bed with you and talk to another man for a couple hours every night? People just don't do that when they're in a relationship with someone, in fact it is a ridiculous expectation to have those kinds of relationships with other people of the opposite sex while in a committed relationship. if you were objecting to her talking to a male friend for 15 minutes now and again or a half hour once a week rather than these pillow talk calls, then you might be unreasonable, but she has gone way over the line with this guy, and in fact might be having an affair with him and lying to you about it because she can't afford to lose your income and stay in school. So she'll string you along until she is ready to leave and done with school. So i think you need to pay her some surprise visits to see what is going on, or hire a private detective to investigate a bit to see whether she is telling you the truth or not. And even if she is not sleeping with him, she is being disrespectful of your feelings. I'm not sure this woman loves you or she'd be more respectful of you and would be concerned about hurting your feelings or even appearing to be cheating. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rosasnyder811 Posted February 1, 2013 Share Posted February 1, 2013 I would stop paying her bills for her if she is going to play games, yes. However, I would approach her in a non-threatening or accusatory manner, and ask her what it is that you are not giving her that causes her to talk to him. If she can't answer it, then you may have to consider breaking it off. I dont know alot about her ex. I never actually wanted to dig into her past and end up judging her when I could figure her out by just spending time with her. All I know about her ex is that he is quite well-off, and a "player", which is why she ended things with him. Do you guys suggest I stop talking to her for a while to show that Im really hurt. Ive never disconnected myself from her, for whatever reasons. Thinking it might jolt her back to her senses, though I dont like it if either one of us dictates terms in the relationships. Man I feel old. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
camus154 Posted February 1, 2013 Share Posted February 1, 2013 I would stop paying her bills for her if she is going to play games, yes. However, I would approach her in a non-threatening or accusatory manner, and ask her what it is that you are not giving her that causes her to talk to him. If she can't answer it, then you may have to consider breaking it off. What makes you so sure she's chatting with the other guy because her boyfriend isn't giving her something? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
audax Posted February 1, 2013 Author Share Posted February 1, 2013 Thanks for the reply. Atm, I'm just trying to get her to talk and sort this out. I would very much like it if the maturity of the conversation I am having here with new people actually happens with my woman. All she ever said was that none of the conversations are personal and all they do is chit-chat. Initially I felt I would be wrong to start doubting her, but only when I found out that she lied about the number being one of her female friends when it was actually this bloke's that I began to not trust her on this. What I am worried about is I dont want to start looking into her phone bills in order to start trusting her again, I'm not comfortable with invading her personal life to that extent. It would really suck. I want to be able to trust this woman completely. And there is no ways I'm hiring a detective to snoop around. Not happening!! Whether she is being mean or not, I cant do that to any girl, let alone her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rosasnyder811 Posted February 1, 2013 Share Posted February 1, 2013 As I said before, people don't go to others because they are stunningly happy in their relationships. People go to others because those others give them things that their significant other isn't. No "Happy Marriage ever ended in divorce." No "Happy relationship ever ends in cheating." Instances of cheating or breaking up occur when someone isn't happy with the other. What makes you so sure she's chatting with the other guy because her boyfriend isn't giving her something? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pl3asehelp Posted February 1, 2013 Share Posted February 1, 2013 As I said before, people don't go to others because they are stunningly happy in their relationships. People go to others because those others give them things that their significant other isn't. No "Happy Marriage ever ended in divorce." No "Happy relationship ever ends in cheating." Instances of cheating or breaking up occur when someone isn't happy with the other. Preposterous. This woman could be, and looks like, an attention ***** who will never ever be satisfied with any one partner. In that case the fault lies with her. There's nothing he could ever give her to fill the infinite gaping void she has due to her own ignorance of her own human nature. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lavenderdove Posted February 1, 2013 Share Posted February 1, 2013 >>I want to be able to trust this woman completely. Of course you do. Everyone wants to be able to trust their partner completely, but if the person is lying and acting in an untrustworthy way, it is folly to trust them. You're not going to 'improve' her character just by trusting her when she is burning up the phone lines with another man. Trust is something that must be earned, and it is either being built or destroyed by how people act. She is destroying your trust with her actions and you are wise to be suspicious considering she is lying and spending LOTS of time communicating with this man late into the night. You can invest more in this woman and bury your head in the sand because you 'want' to trust her and think it is noble to trust a partner, but if she is not worthy of that trust, you are wasting your time and being taken advantage of. You have to decide which is worse... trusting someone who at worst will eventually break your heart and at best doesn't care if she upsets you, or keeping your wits about you and not ignoring evidence and investigating to get to the bottom of it to see how serious this breach of trust really is. and what are you 'doing' to her by hiring a private detective? She won't even know about it. If she is doing nothing wrong, the detective will report back that she never hooks up with other men. And if she is hooking up with other men, then you NEED to know it to protect yourself, your money, and your health from potential STDs, not to mention protecting your heart. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rosasnyder811 Posted February 1, 2013 Share Posted February 1, 2013 Is it really? Show me an instance where I am wrong. My ex left me because I didn't give her what she needed. She went to her ex. She realized he was a tool, and during that time I took ownership of what I did wrong. I took a long hard look at myself and began working on the things that caused her to gravitate to him. Guess what? Now we are engaged and happy, and I have taken care of those things that pushed her away before. Sorry, but a relationship takes two people to screw up. If she was that happy she wouldn't be going to someone else, period. Did I say it was right? No, I didn't. However, she cannot take full blame in this. It takes two. He needs to look at himself and what he needs to work on, instead of being led in a million different directions here. I'm not going to post in this thread anymore, because I've told you what you need to do. It is really your choice. Follow your heart, whatever it tells you. Make sure you are following your HEART, and not your mind, and not a bunch of negativity, either. Be true to yourself, and really think about what YOU need to do to keep her. And if she is already gone for good (which you don't know for sure, yet), do what you need to do to make sure it never happens again, so in your next relationship you are the best YOU that you can be. Preposterous. This woman could be, and looks like, an attention ***** who will never ever be satisfied with any one partner. In that case the fault lies with her. There's nothing he could ever give her to fill the infinite gaping void she has due to her own ignorance of her own human nature. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pl3asehelp Posted February 1, 2013 Share Posted February 1, 2013 I already gave you an example. Just because your experience was different and you were responsible for your breakup doesn't mean that's always true for everyone else. Modifying how you behave to stay in a relationship with a sick person is not advisable. A relationship does not always take two to screw up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
confused31681 Posted February 1, 2013 Share Posted February 1, 2013 This isnt love. When its this confusing, this much drama, heartache, stress. WALK AWAY!! Best quote ever. Forget the details, somethings wrong cuz you shouldnt be feeling so torn up. Love doesnt mean you have to take a lot of crap. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted February 1, 2013 Share Posted February 1, 2013 It does not always take two people to break a relationship - sometimes one person can do nothing wrong and be a good partner and the other be abusive, a cheat or whatever. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Michelle23 Posted February 1, 2013 Share Posted February 1, 2013 As I said before, people don't go to others because they are stunningly happy in their relationships. People go to others because those others give them things that their significant other isn't. No "Happy Marriage ever ended in divorce." No "Happy relationship ever ends in cheating." Instances of cheating or breaking up occur when someone isn't happy with the other. that is a load of crap. There are differrnt types of cheaters and some people cheat just because they can! Stop making excuses for her and stop trying to somehow blame him. It is obvios he loves her and hes doing everything he can to make things better. She is being completely unfair to him and bang out of order. He sounds like a really decent honest bloke who does not deserve this.. Most women would cut their own arm off for someone as loyal as him so lets just stick to the facts here! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rosasnyder811 Posted February 1, 2013 Share Posted February 1, 2013 I already gave you an example. Just because your experience was different and you were responsible for your breakup doesn't mean that's always true for everyone else. Modifying how you behave to stay in a relationship with a sick person is not advisable. A relationship does not always take two to screw up. #1: What I said is not just because of my relationship, I used my relationship as an example. It is simple human psychology. People don't leave people if they are truly happy. #2: You are not qualified to determind if she is sick or crazy, nor am I, nor is there really any clear indication that this is the case. #3: Why you are arguing with me about something obvious is beyond me, but as I stated before, if you want to discuss this with me, private message me. Stop sabotaging his thread, please. We are supposed to be helping him, not fighting with him. This behavior is getting absolutely silly. If you choose to respond to me in here, that is your choice, but I will not be responding here again. I just hope the OP makes the right choice based on his heart and his experiences with her, not based on what negativity has pushed him into. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rosasnyder811 Posted February 1, 2013 Share Posted February 1, 2013 that is a load of crap. There are differrnt types of cheaters and some people cheat just because they can!QUOTE] Examples? Private message them to me. Stop sabotaging his thread to attack me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rosasnyder811 Posted February 1, 2013 Share Posted February 1, 2013 It does not always take two people to break a relationship - sometimes one person can do nothing wrong and be a good partner and the other be abusive, a cheat or whatever. Even in that case, if you allow that abuse, you are also wrong. You are wronging yourself by convincing yourself that you should stay with this person. You may not be wronging the other person, but wronging yourself is also cause for a breakup. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
confused31681 Posted February 1, 2013 Share Posted February 1, 2013 And after suspicion or concern, especially if she brushes off how you're telling her how you feel, who cares what her reasons are (as someone is saying its your fault if she's wandering, which is preposterous- adults can relay this through other means) its all downhill. There will be resentment, etc. down the road on each side, gnawing away at what you had. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
camus154 Posted February 1, 2013 Share Posted February 1, 2013 #1: What I said is not just because of my relationship, I used my relationship as an example. It is simple human psychology. People don't leave people if they are truly happy. But that doesn't mean if someone is unhappy it's automatically because their partner isn't giving them something. That's what you seem to keep missing. Ever hear of grass-is-greener syndrome? Sometimes people grow bored. Sometimes the distance sucks and they start looking elsewhere--sometimes subconsciously. Sometimes *&% happens. You seem to be treating the OP's relationship like a 20 year marriage instead of a long distance relationship between boyfriend/girlfriend. I don't understand that, but regardless, you should never ignore reality in favor of idealism. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rosasnyder811 Posted February 1, 2013 Share Posted February 1, 2013 If someone is bored with a relationship, they are not getting something out of it. Excitement. I can't believe people are arguing simple psychology. But that doesn't mean if someone is unhappy it's automatically because their partner isn't giving them something. That's what you seem to keep missing. Ever hear of grass-is-greener syndrome? Sometimes people grow bored. Sometimes the distance sucks and they start looking elsewhere--sometimes subconsciously. Sometimes *&% happens. You seem to be treating the OP's relationship like a 20 year marriage instead of a long distance relationship between boyfriend/girlfriend. I don't understand that, but regardless, you should never ignore reality in favor of idealism. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pl3asehelp Posted February 1, 2013 Share Posted February 1, 2013 I agree with your idea that someone doesn't leave a relationship if they are happy, but your idea that someone's happiness is always solely derived from their partner and it's therefore their partners fault that they are not happy is totally ridiculous and wrong. You don't have to have any special qualification to understand this basic truth. PM to you won't help the OP. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
camus154 Posted February 1, 2013 Share Posted February 1, 2013 If someone is bored with a relationship, they are not getting something out of it. Excitement. I can't believe people are arguing simple psychology. That still doesn't mean it's the fault of their partner. I can't believe you're still not getting that yet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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