Seraphim Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 He is not discussing it because he already knows what you are going to say. That is why someone does not want to discuss anything. It is like beating a dead horse. If he felt he was going to be met half way he would have spoken already. He would just be given crap again if he said anything so why bother. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 I would still fully anticpate going to the grocery store to get my own food, and him his. etc.Seriously? That isn't a marriage - that would be roommates (presumably 'with benefits') Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doc Blaze Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 you love your rules dont you.... this is sad that you dont see a huge difference between friendship and your bf you also talk about marriage...but then you talk about keeping things separate....marriage is unity... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HDC80 Posted January 31, 2013 Author Share Posted January 31, 2013 Its not that I love rules....I dont have many in my life other than dont show up unannounced. I tend to live by logic....what makes the most sense? I dont see a need to combine bank accounts....he makes a living, I make a living.....we would have shared expenses (hence the 3rd account)----he is free to do with his money as he wishes...Im free to do with mine as I please----many less fights. It also sets things up so that if something were to happen----its less messy and likely neither person will end up in a bad situation. I also believe keeping separate accounts keeps each person honest----and more responsible...than just seeing a lump sum of both combined. Marriage is unity in as much unity as you want. Some people want their accounts and investments combined----Im just not one of those people. Ive worked hard for my earnings, and my investments....he has worked hard for his----I dont feel that what is his is mine----nor that he should feel whats mine is his. I wouldnt want him to stand to lose all that if something went sour, nor would ever feel entitled to it-----same for someone feeling that way about my assests. Why is it sad I dont see much difference.....its a friendship at its basic level----just a close friend you sleep with. How many people do you hear speak about their spouse being their BEST FRIEND..... Its the same idea----only rather than it just a friend-----you sleep with the person. Why is that so wrong? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HDC80 Posted January 31, 2013 Author Share Posted January 31, 2013 Victoria---if he doesnt want to talk about it but has more to say....that is completely on him----if he wont talk about what is on his mind, the topic is dead. Im not going to pry it out of him. Thats just not my style. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
calichick007 Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 If you were married, you'd insist that your husband go to the store and buy his own food? I presume his groceries would have to come out of his paycheck, and your groceries out of yours? Would your meals have to be prepared separately as well? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 Many people set up bank accounts as you suggest - but shopping separately for your own food!! That is what seems so bizarre to me. Would you cook and eat it separately? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
camus154 Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 Why is it sad I dont see much difference.....its a friendship at its basic level----just a close friend you sleep with. How many people do you hear speak about their spouse being their BEST FRIEND..... Its the same idea----only rather than it just a friend-----you sleep with the person. Why is that so wrong? It's not wrong. It's just not the norm. And of course that's ok, but it will probably lead to much frustration both on your part and on the part of your romantic partners. Are you at least aware of that? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 I think he needs to know exactly how you feel about romantic relationships and marriage - just a best friend you sleep with - because it sounds like he might not know and your beliefs, standards and boundaries, in my opinion are very unusual. (And I wouldn't treat a best friend like a guest in my house if she/he regularly came over -I would want that person to have a different comfort level with my space/things than a guest). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 Why is it sad I dont see much difference.....its a friendship at its basic level----just a close friend you sleep with. How many people do you hear speak about their spouse being their BEST FRIEND..... Its the same idea----only rather than it just a friend-----you sleep with the person. Why is that so wrong? Personally if my husband rolled up to me and said I was just a friend he slept with I would tell him to stick it up his ... I better mean more than just a friend. I do not sleep with my friends. My husband is far more than a "friend". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doc Blaze Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 idk to me my gf is much more than just a friend i sleep with..but thats my opinion Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HDC80 Posted January 31, 2013 Author Share Posted January 31, 2013 caliChick----yeah....why wouldnt we get our own food? He buys his breakfast and lunches at work....I bring mine with me. The way we do it now----sometimes he brings dinner home, sometimes I cook-----sometimes I hit the grocery on my way home, sometimes he brings over an item we need for a meal. We dont cook seperately now (though if cooking in my house I do....he says its weird to cook in someone elses kitchen)---- So my feeling is if we lived together----it would likely have the same flow it does now. Sometimes we even eat on our own----he gets what he wants, I make something..... DN----you might find it odd, but we actually had a pretty good conversation about it a few weeks ago when I needed to run and grab my food for the week. He said yeah it made total sense, and it isnt any different than how we do things now. Batya---he does. This isnt some hidden secret that I keep from people----when I start dating someone Im pretty frank about my views and beliefs so that they can decide if they want to be involved in something like this or not. I explain that I only get into relationships with people to build for a future-----if they dont see one, dont waste my time (or theirs)....explain I DO NOT want children....and that there will have to be a pre-nup should it ever get to a stage of marriage. How is one supposd to treat someone that regularly comes over? He can go into the fridge, or the cabinets to grab food if he wants....he regularly has control of the TV for shows he likes and sports. He keeps stuff at my place too (toothbrush, hair gel, body wash)---he has his own towel.... Someone please explain how a spouse (or BF) is more than a friend----- Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HDC80 Posted January 31, 2013 Author Share Posted January 31, 2013 This is why I said....people refer to the person they're marrying or are married to as their BEST FRIEND.... Im really trying to figure out how someone being your BEST FRIEND......is one thing.....but a spouse is something else....to me really the only difference is SLEEPING TOGETHER Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 This is why I said....people refer to the person they're marrying or are married to as their BEST FRIEND.... Im really trying to figure out how someone being your BEST FRIEND......is one thing.....but a spouse is something else....to me really the only difference is SLEEPING TOGETHER No, it is NOT the only difference. Do you bear children for your friends? Do you tell your friends the deepest darkest places of you? Your goals and hopes and dreams? Do you sacrifice some of those goals sometimes for your "friends?" I know I don't. I think you and this man have ENTIRELY different ideas about what it is to live together and or be married. You need to find someone with exactly your own view who wants very few interactions with the other person. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EssexMan Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 Im really trying to figure out how someone being your BEST FRIEND......is one thing.....but a spouse is something else....to me really the only difference is SLEEPING TOGETHER Do you think, then, that there is any difference between a spouse (or life partner, if unmarried) and a friend with benefits? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 This is why I said....people refer to the person they're marrying or are married to as their BEST FRIEND.... Im really trying to figure out how someone being your BEST FRIEND......is one thing.....but a spouse is something else....to me really the only difference is SLEEPING TOGETHER You're entitled to your views but I've actually never heard anyone express marriage or a committed relationship as limited as you do. Many people consider their spouse their best friend -but that doesn't narrow the relationship -it's one factor of many -and it expands the commitment as opposed to narrowing it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 This is why I said....people refer to the person they're marrying or are married to as their BEST FRIEND.... Im really trying to figure out how someone being your BEST FRIEND......is one thing.....but a spouse is something else....to me really the only difference is SLEEPING TOGETHER A spouse is someone whose interests and well-being you put on the same level or even higher than yours A spouse is someone who you go to sleep with, forever grateful that you love them, they love you and that you are sharing your lives together A spouse is someone for whom you would unhesitatingly sacrifice your life A spouse is someone with whom you can share a home , that you can still have solitude and 'me time' without having to be alone in the house. A spouse is someone that you are glad to see after having been apart for a few hours, or days, or weeks. A spouse is someone that you can very often know what they are thinking without either of you speaking. A spouse is someone with whom you can wake up without worrying about night-breath, rumpled hair and that they need a shower. A spouse is someone with whom you don't have to pretend. A spouse is someone whom the thought of losing is almost too much to bear A spouse is someone with whom you share romantic love. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 AMEN!..... The way I see it, if someone feels that way about a basic friend they have a few screws loose. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeatherB Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 Ummm. To me, everyone, including the OP, is basically getting at the same thing about friendship and marriage. And the therapists and marriage experts would agree with you. The OP is very very sensitive about whether or not someone enters her home without confirmation that it is okay. Particularly after she's gone to sleep. It's a really big deal to her. If that idiosyncrasy turns off her boyfriends to the extent that they break up, that's her problem, right? It seems to me she is okay with taking that risk. This topic is that important to her. And she is comfortable with the quirky way she expresses herself. She has not asked how she should change. So I'm not clear about what we are trying to accomplish at this point. If someone would let me know, I'd be grateful. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EssexMan Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 She has not asked how she should change. So I'm not clear about what we are trying to accomplish at this point. If someone would let me know, I'd be grateful. The OP asked in her very first post in this thread "Am I totally being a brat here?". Presumably she doesn't want to be a brat, so yeah, she was asking if she should change, and if so how. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HDC80 Posted January 31, 2013 Author Share Posted January 31, 2013 Victoria----I dont plan or want to have children...so bearing or not bearing them weighs little on my relationship. Its also why I bring that up pretty early as to not waist a guys time if he REALLY wants kids. My friends and I are pretty close....I do speak to them about the depths of who I am....as they do with me as well. Same with goals and hopes and dreams. As for sacrifice those for a friend....nope I certainly dont do that, and know they dont do that for me. I also dont think that being with someone means they should sacrifice on my behalf...or mine on theirs either. Its not that I want few interactions with someone----is it really that STRANGE to want time for onesself....alone? Essexman----to answer your question....absolutely. to me a FWB is less than a friend----its just the person you call when you want to hook up---that you're also friends with....you dont look to involve this person in your day to day life----you dont look to spend weekends together, or go out to dinner....they're there when you or they want...and not when you dont. I view a relationship as a close friendship in which you want the person there....spend weekends with etc.....but you also sleep with them. I dont need our funds to be comingled to feel that its a more important relationship. I dont need us to buy our groceries together to feel that way either. I also wouldnt want them to not experience things due to me (sacrifice)----if he got a job opportunity....in another state, or country..and would need to move....Id encourage him to do so to not feel or have what-if's in life. Maybe Im just more independent than most----or used to doing things on my own----but I dont need someone holding my hand through every bit of life. Im content to go to the doctors alone-----or if moving....packing and moving my crap (or hiring a mover to do so) than to rely on someone to help me or assist me in doing so...or take care of it for me. DN----you mention about morning breath and hair all crazy----- Im pretty careful to not have that happen with any BF Ive ever had----Ill get up a few minutes early to use mouthwash and comb my hair, then return to bed. Always have. I dont think my current BF has seen me without make up----other than when we go to the beach (when I have a serious tan and makeup isnt really needed but even then at LEAST mascara!) The other items you list----Ive never felt that way about anyone....ever....dont imagine I ever would....Im just not that co-dependent. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeatherB Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 Ah, so we are giving anti-brat advice. Why isn't it getting through? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EssexMan Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 I view a relationship as a close friendship in which you want the person there....spend weekends with etc.....but you also sleep with them. Okay, I've never been married, but I think one key difference between a friendship and even a BF/GF relationship is that there is a level of obligation in the latter that is not present in the first. I'd like to take a three- or four-week trip abroad in the fairly near future when I can get some logistics sorted. I feel under no obligation to ask my very best friends whether that's okay with them. But I think it would be pretty disrespectful of me not to ask my gf: is it okay with you if I go away for that long? And would you like to come with me, for at least some of it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HDC80 Posted January 31, 2013 Author Share Posted January 31, 2013 Essex....guess thats a difference between you and I. If my BF wanted to take a 4 week trip abroad....I wouldnt feel he was under any obligation to tell me about it or involve me in it. Its his life, and his dime.....its also not something he needs to ask me if its okay! He is a grown adult, he doesnt need permission. If he asked me if I wanted to join him for some of it----that would be up to him if he wanted to extend that invitation---and if he did so, I would then consider it and have to look at cost.... I wouldnt look for him to pay my way, nor accept him to do so just to have me join him. Reversed....if it was me going on a 4 week trip like that----- Just as I wouldnt feel obligated to invite my friends----i wouldnt feel obligated to invite my BF or run it by him for his permission to go. I would probably ask if he wanted to join for some of it....and let him know what my trip was going to look like---and let him figure out if he could afford it....or be able to even take the time off of work. I just dont base major life decisions on anyone...and dont expect them to do so for me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HDC80 Posted January 31, 2013 Author Share Posted January 31, 2013 Heather B.... The conclusion Ive come to by reading and participating in this thread.... People here are okay having open doors They are fine with someone showing up at 3am even if they didnt confirm they would be coming over Personal space isnt something one should want or need If you're with someone you have to share everything and if you dont that is wrong. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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