Showing up at my house.....and I wasnt happy about it and he got pissed

[HDC80]

camus...thats because if someone told me not to come over without confirmation-----I wouldnt go to their house without confirmation from them that it was okay.

Its really THAT simple.

I wouldnt put myself in a position to test their boundaries like that.

 

My space is scared....which is why I ask that people get confirmation before just showing up.

 

Yes my parents requitre 24 hours notice----i dont....someone could be down the street and shoot me a txt and say hey...you around Im in the area....which they do...rather than just popping over....and I usually happily say great, come on over!

 

I NEVER SAID THAT HE WAS DRUNK.

I have said that yes he had a few drinks 2 maybe 3 at most.

 

I also never told him to leave....I said to him...well it would be stupid to leave now and double back and drive home....he chose to leave at that point...even after I said leaving would be dumb.

 

I txted him around 1130.....I txted again around 1230 to say I was heading home (an HOUR passed)---I then texted again at 1am when I got home and went to bed......1am was late....I was going to sleep.

If he had wanted to come over he should have responded that he was going to come over.....or known when I was leaving the bar that it was a 30 min ride home (he knew where I was and how long it takes to drive home from there)

 

At the point when he finished his night....and made his decision----it should have been obvious that he hadnt responded to say he was or was not coming over and that 2 HOURS had passed since he last heard from me.

[mhowe]

You can be right, or you can be happy/harmonious....

 

You choose to be right. And a fine choice it is --- for you.

 

What you seem to be missing is that he is not you. He is him. And therefore does not have the same rigid mindset around unexpected stop bys.

Am fairly certain he will never do it again.

[HDC80]

How can it be happy and harmonious if one persons space and boundaries are NOT being respected.

 

He'll be happy because he will be getting what he wants...while I sacrifice what is important to me?

 

Wait a minute----he isnt sacrificing anything on my behalf.....because I respect his boundaries so he doesnt have to!

[mhowe]

How can it be happy and harmonious if one persons space and boundaries are NOT being respected.

 

He'll be happy because he will be getting what he wants...while I sacrifice what is important to me?

 

Wait a minute----he isnt sacrificing anything on my behalf.....because I respect his boundaries so he doesnt have to!

 

There are none so deaf as those who will not hear.

 

Look, I said you were right. You're clearly not happy.

He is wrong --- and up until last nite, fairly happy. He goofed....he didn't drop a nuclear weapon.

[FrenchFries]

Well to each their own, but you did ask if you were being a brat in your original post. The general consensus seems to be that the answer is yes.

 

Is everything back to normal between the two of you now?

 

I think the guy really likes you, but over time things like this may erode his emotional attachment to you. What would you say is your level of attachment/commitment to him?

[HDC80]

Mhowe.....you're right....Im not happy that when dealing with an ADULT explaining that something doesnt work for me isnt respected....and is just ignored.

 

The comment was made about treating this like a child.....well a child is someone I would expect to need to explain myself more than once, and that they would push boundaries not knowing better.

 

Well that is great the he really likes me.....but if someone crosses my personal boundaries, I should tell them, it shouldnt erode emotional attachment.

 

We arent all delicate flowers.....we shouldnt need to be coddled like that.....if you step on someones toes, they can jump up and tell you that it wasnt okay and not to do it again.

[pl3asehelp]

Mhowe.....you're right....Im not happy that when dealing with an ADULT explaining that something doesnt work for me isnt respected....and is just ignored.

 

The comment was made about treating this like a child.....well a child is someone I would expect to need to explain myself more than once, and that they would push boundaries not knowing better.

 

Well that is great the he really likes me.....but if someone crosses my personal boundaries, I should tell them, it shouldnt erode emotional attachment.

 

We arent all delicate flowers.....we shouldnt need to be coddled like that.....if you step on someones toes, they can jump up and tell you that it wasnt okay and not to do it again.

 

You really don't see this all comes from your bizarre parents and the prison like environment they raised you in? Lighten up or you're going to have the same strange life they had and cause your kids to have no friends and all like you did from all this weirdness.

[HDC80]

Pl3----

My parents didnt allow me to make plans.....when I was a kid.

 

I now make plans all the time whenever and however I desire-----my one request of everyone is that they dont just SHOW UP at my house----that shouldnt lead to an isolated life, or one that i lonely or without people in it. As I regularly have time with others.

I have a good network of friends and an active social life----so this need to know prior hasnt prevented friendships from developing or flourishing.

 

And to your point about kids-----I dont want them, so my non-existent kids wont have to worry as they wont exist!

[camus154]

I highly suggest that you not hand out your keys to the next boyfriend if your boundaries and personal space are so sacred. Problem solved.

[HDC80]

CAM---you say that like there will be a next BF.

[camus154]

CAM---you say that like there will be a next BF.

 

That's because there will be, of course.

[camus154]

Actually, that may be unfair. It's not my place to say what will happen for you in the future.

 

All I can tell you is this, OP. I've burned through several of my own relationships. And speaking for my own contributions for their demises, a large part of my own failure was in needing to be right. I think one of the single biggest mistakes you can make in a relationship is refusing to let go of how you see it long enough to appreciate how the other person sees it. Sometimes, even when you know deep down you're right, it's best to let it go and cut the other person some slack. That will go a long, long way.

[Justnotsure]

I won't take a side on the particular issue, but I do agree that letting go and cutting slack are things that both people need to do in a relationship.

 

What if instead of not wanting to talk about, he came to you and said "You know, I don't really get your rule and I always imagined I'd be able to stop by and see my girlfriend, but I understand where you're coming from and I'm sorry that I didn't text you." Wouldn't that go a long way for you?

 

I think if similarly you were caring and said "you know I don't like people coming to my house, but I get that you really wanted to see me, and didn't realize how scared/upset that I would be." You're not letting him step all over your boundaries -- you're acknowledging that they are there, but not making him a war criminal for crossing them. I don't think his intent was evil, nor is your intent evil to have the boundary there in the first place.

 

Nobody is the bad guy.

[LoveSoDeep]

Wow I missed a lot!

 

Really people I think we've made it clear that some of us agree adn some of us don't. Her rule is her rule and so far her bf seems to just want to forget he ever broke it. Hopefully he's learned his lesson. OP I think you seem ready to forgive and move on if hat's the case I just wonder what will happen if it's not? I do think this is a control issue but it doesn't seem all that critical. i think by trying to make it clear in writing it has come off as much more than it is.

 

If your bf wants to drop it...I say let him and do the same yourself....forgive him for acting a little irrational and try to move forward.

[Realitynut]

Wow I missed a lot!

 

Really people I think we've made it clear that some of us agree adn some of us don't. Her rule is her rule and so far her bf seems to just want to forget he ever broke it. Hopefully he's learned his lesson. OP I think you seem ready to forgive and move on if hat's the case I just wonder what will happen if it's not? I do think this is a control issue but it doesn't seem all that critical. i think by trying to make it clear in writing it has come off as much more than it is.

 

If your bf wants to drop it...I say let him and do the same yourself....forgive him for acting a little irrational and try to move forward.

 

LOL...all sooo funny! He was acting irrational...and now wants to 'drop it'...lol....can you imagine HIM trying to talk to her like WE have...and the reactions he would have got!!!

 

MY goodness....he probably doesn't want to discuss any problems...or boundaries...or rules....because he knows he will NEVER WIN!!! LoL

[Heather Dawn]

I don't get it. At all. Your boyfriend of almost a year is forbidden to come by without express permission? And when he dares to do so, anyway, you treat him like crap and berate him for it? And, on top of it, you had actually invited him over earlier... Plus, the fact that you still consider him a "guest" in your home really indicates the lack of intimacy that must be going on in your relationship.

 

Wow. Poor guy. This speaks to so many more problems than just the issue of him being allowed to come over.

[Heather Dawn]

DN....

they full out denied getting to know someone important to me because of how he holds a fork----that itself is extreme....

 

Oh, man...I didn't realize till now that this was you. Yeah, I'm totally with DN here (which is fairly surprising). I think you're a very difficult person to be with and your boyfriend should be canonized for sticking it out this long.

[calichick007]

A lot of people are attacking you in ways that I don't think are fair.

 

However, I do agree that it seems you may have started the thread in hopes of people telling you that you are correct, rather than to get constructive feedback. You keep repeating over and over and over how you wouldn't have shown up at your bf's house if you knew he'd gone to bed. The problem is that he is not you. When you start expecting other people to behave precisely as you would in XYZ situation, you inherently set yourself up for failure/disappointment. You seem set on casting this as though your way is right/reasonable, while he (and those agree with his position) is wrong/unreasonable/rude, etc. Neither of you are wrong, IMO. If that is a boundary you have, okay. You could have expressed that to him in a calm and rational way and let that be it, rather than lecturing him and trying to convince him that you are right/he is wrong. If he cannot deal with that particular boundary, he can walk and you can cross your fingers that you'll find someone who is okay with it. That's life. Many times there is no right or wrong - just what the individuals in the relationship are willing to deal with and accept.

[Unreasonable]

One thing I definitely agree on is that you are treating him like a child rather than an equal. You also seem completely incapable of viewing and understanding things from a different perspective. Your response to all this is textbook fanaticism. It's reminiscent of someone defending a religious practice and what is considered sin. Absolute black and whites and god help you if you mess up.

 

He screwed up for showing up at 3AM unannounced. No defending him there. He exercised poor judgement and sinned against one of your commandments. And you're handling it exactly like a wrathful God would, on the first offense. You have to put him in his place immediately and harshly, or he's going to forget how important you and your rules are. It doesn't matter what anyone else says, you're right and they're wrong. This is something I strongly recommend re-examining while interacting with adults of roughly equal status.

 

Maybe give a little bit of slack the first time, and politely remind him of your agreements? That's a bit more human. This isn't one of the 'big sins' in a relationship, like infidelity, is it?

 

I would be absolutely MORTIFIED if my parents showed up at my house unannounced. I would let them in though because they are important to me. I would politely ask them to give me notice next time however. I wouldn't consider it a 'problem' though unless it happened regularly.

[femmefatale]

I dont treat him any differently than I do my friends.

 

Wow. This is a problem. He isn't your "friend"--he's more than that. He's your loving partner in a committed relationship. I'm dating a man who is 20 years older than me and has EXTREME boundaries, too. Only wants to see me on the weekends with little flexibility unless he proposed something different, which was fine for a while. It think it's time to cut him loose.

[Loveandlost]

Heres the thing.

 

You invited him over, he didnt think he was going to make it. its 3 am and hes heading home, he was close to your house so he made the choice to surprise you and probably thought it would be cute and earn him bf points to show up since he was invited give you a kiss and cuddle up with you for the night. Instead you started a fight with him.

 

You have boundary issues. You are in a year long relationship where you both are suppose to be starting to merge your lives if you are going to have a future, from your rules and boundaries you sound like you just want to be by yourself.

[Ms Darcy]

How has the relationship been going since the incident?

[Realitynut]

she says he won't talk about it...and just wants to 'go on'...lol...looks like maybe she's done talking about it too!!!

[HDC80]

Heather---no one in my life is able to just show up. Some poeple Ive known for a decade...5 years.....its just my one request. I dont think its a huge one nor difficult to follow. I find it to be polite to reach out/confirm before just showing up at someones door.

When this is told to someone, I anticipate that its heard, and easily followed.

He knows how I feel about this----we have talked about it.....so he knows to confirm....at 3am he didnt confirm....thats just really not okay in my book.

 

I consider my BF a guest in my house as I would anyone who doesnt live there. I offer a drink, I dont just go about my business and they're just there (like I can do with my roommate)----I dont leave them alone in the living room to do whatever....they are there to spend time with me...and thus, that means if they are there, its up to me to be a good 'host' and spend time with that person.

I dont think this is odd either....even with a BF......I think its a kind way to treat someone when they're at your house.

 

CaliChick----you're right he isnt me....and knowing that one has to communicate what they like and dont like so the other person knows. I have done that. He knew that I didnt like people to just show up without confirmation.

 

Unreasonable----I would expect the same from someone to react this way to me if I did something that overstepped their boundaries and upset them. I wouldnt expect them to be kind about it and sit me down and quietly say it wasnt okay....if they had spelled it out before, and I went against their wishes and explained boundaries....I would anticipate they wouldnt find it cute, or sweet...that they would simply hit the *** button and let me have it.

 

Femme---to me the only thing different between a friend and someone Im dating is that Im sleeping with someone Im dating.

I include them in plans (do that with friends) I look to spend time with them (do that with friends), I invite them over (do that with friends), I talk with them (Do that with friends)

So I really dont see a HUGE difference between the two.

 

LoveAndLost---if he really knew me, he wouldnt have thought showing up at 3am without a confirmation would be cute or win him BF points-----he would know that would have him LOSE BF points for disregarding my feelings, space and give the hour---respect for me to sleep.

As for merging lives----that would just be sharing space.

Im incredibly independent-----I dont look for others to help me do anything----I do it all myself. I dont need him to fix the sink, or the dryer, or drive me places or pay for me.

If we were to move in together-----we would split the bills, each paying half.....and if we ever got married there would be 3 bank accounts----his, mine...and ours (for mutually agreed upon expenses such as mortgage, utilities)----

I would still fully anticpate going to the grocery store to get my own food, and him his. etc.

 

As for how its going since the incident....he is definitely more quiet....not as outgoing with me.....but he was the one who chose to want to not talk about it and just move on. If he is still upset or has something to say, its on him to bring it up and make that happen. Im not going to push.

[DN]

I ask you one more time - why did you post your original question on here? What was the point when you completely and stubbornly dismiss anything anyone has to say that doesn't validate your stance?