Showing up at my house.....and I wasnt happy about it and he got pissed

[becomingkate]

I was not suggesting you end the relationship (although I do think you are incompatible). I am suggesting he probably will if you continue like this. I have rarely seen anyone so rigid and uncompromising over an issue and, contrary to what you claim, this does seem to be your general attitude.

 

I feel sorry for you because I think you will end up very lonely.

 

Yikes. This seems a little harsh!

[DN]

Yikes. This seems a little harsh!

What would be harsh would be to find oneself lonely because of all of this. Some people have a need to be right in a relationship no matter how damaging that insistence becomes. What I was trying to do was warn that that could easily happen but is seems to be futile.

[HDC80]

DN----its a matter of boundaries being set and respected.

 

If I let things slide, then how will my boundaries be respected?

 

I dont think that sets up for a lonely life, but one where whoever Im with respects me enough to know what I say means something, and I will stand by it.

 

Unsure if it makes a difference but I fully expect the same response if I overstepped boundaries that someone else had....I would anticpate them reacting the same way and holding their ground.

[pl3asehelp]

DN----its a matter of boundaries being set and respected.

 

If I let things slide, then how will my boundaries be respected?

 

I dont think that sets up for a lonely life, but one where whoever Im with respects me enough to know what I say means something, and I will stand by it.

 

Unsure if it makes a difference but I fully expect the same response if I overstepped boundaries that someone else had....I would anticpate them reacting the same way and holding their ground.

 

Sounds like your boundaries are very important to you. For me, I really have never had any kind of need for any rigid boundaries between myself and a SO and I feel much closer that way. If she does something that bothers me, I bring it up and deal with it then rather than trying to prevent things by having some set of rules people need to follow when they interact with me. If I were your guy I would interpret your actions as your boundaries and rules are more important than me and our relationship and be gone.

[Doc Blaze]

Thats where you see wrong..you see everyone seeing it from your point of view but not theirs...you think that you are 100 percent correct...and under your boundaries you are..but what about his boundaries..nothing is wrong with boundaries but i believe your approach and reactions could be better

[camus154]

Here's what common sense says: get your key back. I know you're thinking that logically you should be able to hand them over and spell out a list of rules that he should be able to follow, but sometimes common sense is better than logic. You can't really enforce your boundaries about how precious your space is while allowing him to hang out in your apartment when you leave or when he arrives at your place before you do. And if that means having to get up and walk 10 feet in the mornings that he stays over, so be it.

[becomingkate]

What would be harsh would be to find oneself lonely because of all of this. Some people have a need to be right in a relationship no matter how damaging that insistence becomes. What I was trying to do was warn that that could easily happen but is seems to be futile.

 

Then that is her problem, but telling someone that you feel sorry for them isn't helpful. The OP might have to learn how to communicate, but the topic is about whether she has a right to be upset about her bf coming into the house unannounced at 3 am.

 

She might be rigid in her opinions, but that usually changes as a person learns and grows through life experience.

 

OP, I believe you have a valid reason to be upset and I hope you're able to explain your stance in a way that brings understanding.

[superfan]

OP, I can completely understand where you are coming from. You went to bed not expecting to see him at all that night and he comes in at 3 in the morning???

 

NOT OK.

 

I have been attacked in the past and I have PTSD because of it. Something like that would really make me panic and freak out (and even if I hadn't had that experience, ANYBODY coming into my home unexpectedly at that time of night would be scary).

 

I would seriously wonder at the logic in his brain that made him think 'yeah this is a good idea'.

 

It's not about the fact that he is her boyfriend, or even about the fact that he has a key - being her boyfriend does not necessarily entitled him to an all access pass to her home at all hours of the night, nor does the fact the he has a key give him that right. I have a key to my parent's house, but I would never ever dream of showing up and wandering into their bedroom at 3 in the morning.

 

Not to mention the fact that something like that might have seriously freaked out your room mate who likely had no idea he might just wander in.

 

When you are dating someone, that requires them to respect your personal boundaries and to not do anything that they know will make you feel uncomfortable and unsafe. OP, your boyfriend by not acknowledging that what he did was unacceptable will likely only do it again.

 

I would sit down with him one more time and try to get it out in the open (without fighting or blaming) and get it accross to him WHY that bothered you so much. If he shuts down or refuses to talk about it with you, then maybe you should take the key back. If he can't accept that this is a personal boundary that is non negotiable, then maybe you need to remove the temptation permanently.

[DN]

DN----its a matter of boundaries being set and respected.

 

If I let things slide, then how will my boundaries be respected?

 

I dont think that sets up for a lonely life, but one where whoever Im with respects me enough to know what I say means something, and I will stand by it.

 

Unsure if it makes a difference but I fully expect the same response if I overstepped boundaries that someone else had....I would anticpate them reacting the same way and holding their ground.

 

Like I said in a previous thread - it's not so much what you are doing and saying but how you are doing and saying it that is the problem. On at least two occasions you have seriously upset him because of how you acted or reacted and that seems to be an ongoing issue with you. If you are reporting the conversations correctly you are coming accross as rigid and uncompromising as I said, but also in a very aggressive and accusatory way.

 

It's OK to have boundaries, wants and needs but you don't seem to realise the way you are imposing them (and I use that word advisedly) is undermining your relationship.

 

I suspect that previous relationships (particularly the most recent ex) has exacerbated a tendency that was already there to need control over your environment. Your insecurities about your body, the way your ex behaved, and your parents, plus other failed relationships, have made you defensive. Your comment "I am not going to chase after men any more', is reasonable in isolation but taken in context seem to me to show you have an anxiety lest this man hurt you as others have. That is leading you to behave in a way that is fending him off rather than encouraging an interdependent intimacy and feelings of safety with him - instead of regarding him as a partner who is welcome in your life, you are mistaking walls for boundaries and making sure that he will only be given admittance to your world on your terms.

[becomingkate]

Sounds like your boundaries are very important to you. For me, I really have never had any kind of need for any rigid boundaries between myself and a SO and I feel much closer that way. If she does something that bothers me, I bring it up and deal with it then rather than trying to prevent things by having some set of rules people need to follow when they interact with me. If I were your guy I would interpret your actions as your boundaries and rules are more important than me and our relationship and be gone.

 

She did bring it up and tried to discuss it.

 

FWIW OP, my late husband had a key to my place before we moved in together. He had it so that he could get in the security door, but I always knew when he was coming and when he got inside the building, he knocked on my door and waited for me to let him in. He never showed up without telling me, as I am hyper vigilant about my safety and have had issues with stalkers.

[HDC80]

I find it very interesting that my one rule that I ask of people to interact with me is seen as a huge glaring issue with who I am.

 

I really dont have any other rules than general being a good human being---ask before you take....

I havent given some huge list of ways to interact with me other than CONFIRM before you just show up at my door.

That isnt much to ask of anyone, especially since just about everyone has a phone and is capable of calling or txting.

 

To me its not okay to just show up at 3am without prior set plans, or a call to check if still okay.

I dont think that is something to break up with someone over.

I think its common sense, common courtesy.

 

Just because he doesnt have boundaries doesnt mean that no boundaries are okay either.

If he told me every Wednesday ngiht was guys poker night and he didnt want to be distracted and not to call him/txt him, and he wanted to go to bed after....

 

I would not then call or txt him, or show up at his house because I wanted to speak with him or see him. I would respect that boundary....and the reason I wouldnt step on it----is because I respect and care for him and his wishes. If that is what he wants...Im not then going to call or txt him unless its an EMERGENCY with good reason.

Im not going to ask him to go to a show or concert----Im going to take Wednesdays to be reserved unless HE tells me otherwise.

 

camus----its really just simply respecting someones boundaries. That is why Im so bent about this, he just disregarded my boundaries and let his desires be more important.

The 'rules' are simple----dont come into the house if Im not expecting you.

He hangs out after I leave as it was already a plan in place, he enters early because we already have a plan in place...that isnt confusing....it fits with the boundaries.

As for locking the door in the morning---its not just walking 10 feet....its 3 flights of stairs each way....at 5am....this was to help with that so he could lock the door behind him.

 

Is it that hard to follow instructions.

This would be the same thing if he told me on Tuesdays not to come to his house.....and I just went there and walked in on a Tuesday.....

I would anticpate and expect him to be pissed as Im not respecting his boundaries.

Once someone tells me NOT to do something-----I dont do it....that simple.

 

It wasnt like he was able to come and go as he pleased without making plans and then I just changed it up on him and said no more----

[DN]

Is it that hard to follow instructions.

"Rules'? "Instructions"?

 

This is an example of what I mean. Do you not think it would be more tactful and less aggressive to say "requests"? It may seem like a small difference but the small things count for so much. Break-ups more often occur over small things than over large.

[HDC80]

I just dont see it mattering how its said.

 

If someone handed me keys to their house, and said please dont use them on Friday nights, Sunday afternoons or Tuesday evenings.....

I would look at those as boundaries, instructions and requests.

I would then oblige and wouldnt press that boundary...they obviously told me the 'rules' for a reason.

[camus154]

camus----its really just simply respecting someones boundaries. That is why Im so bent about this, he just disregarded my boundaries and let his desires be more important.

The 'rules' are simple----dont come into the house if Im not expecting you.

He hangs out after I leave as it was already a plan in place, he enters early because we already have a plan in place...that isnt confusing....it fits with the boundaries.

As for locking the door in the morning---its not just walking 10 feet....its 3 flights of stairs each way....at 5am....this was to help with that so he could lock the door behind him.

 

Is it that hard to follow instructions.

 

This is why I think this entire situation is being treated as far more than just respecting your boundaries. You seem to want to focus on what he should do, what he should understand, rather than simply solving this problem in the simplest of ways. Fine, he broke your boundaries by coming in at 3:00 am. We get it, that's a no-no.

 

So now what? Do you want to continue spinning your wheels in frustration because your boyfriend is such an illogical guy who can't follow simple instructions? Or do you want to resolve this and move on? Relationships will not work out if you're more concerned with being "right" in your viewpoint, if that matters more than working it out and moving on. And from how you talk about him and how much you keep reiterating your views about him and why this is such a big deal to you, I think this is exactly what's going to happen.

 

So again, instead of focusing on how he should be able to follow instructions, why don't you handle this at the easiest level? Take back your keys and be done with it.

[HDC80]

I think taking the keys would send the message that I dont believe that he can respect my boundaries and that is more damaging.

 

Its just as simple as here is my line, dont cross it.

 

All he has to do next time is make set plans, or confirm....not just show up.

Should be a simple fix.

 

Taking the keys doesnt allow for him to do the right thing....

[camus154]

I think taking the keys would send the message that I dont believe that he can respect my boundaries and that is more damaging.

 

Taking the keys doesnt allow for him to do the right thing....

 

Then you're confirming that this is more about how he should be able to "do the right thing" than simply taking care of the problem. Now he needs to prove himself to you.

 

The two of you aren't going to work out, I'm sorry to say.

[pl3asehelp]

I think taking the keys would send the message that I dont believe that he can respect my boundaries and that is more damaging.

 

Its just as simple as here is my line, dont cross it.

 

All he has to do next time is make set plans, or confirm....not just show up.

Should be a simple fix.

 

Taking the keys doesnt allow for him to do the right thing....

 

Well, it's not the 'right' thing, it's just the thing you want.

[mhowe]

You can instruct him until the cows come home. You cannot make him feel worse about wanting to be with you.

 

So, whether or not he can follow your instructions going forward remains to be seen. If he has a key and does it again,

I would think your response for the 2nd time this happens will be in even greater disproportion to this one and the relationship will dissolve.

[HDC80]

So if you tell someone not to do something....and then they do it....you just let it fly?

[CaliforniaGirl2222]

I didn't read the whole thread, however it seems the big issue was that he wasn't invited over your place, when in fact he was:

 

"I replied that I was likely heading home soon and if he wanted to come over to let me know"

 

Sure, he didn't text you back to confirm he was coming, but you DID invite him. You knew he was drinking. He probably didn't respond right away because he was out and maybe in a loud environment? Who knows. I am sure when it was time to go home, he read your text and came over to cuddle up.

 

If my boyfriend was out drinking and I invited him over, I wouldn't be shocked if he came over on his way home. Not at all. Even if it was a couple of hours later. He had a key, you invited him. I am sure he didn't think the offer expired. He's not a friend. he's your boyfriend. I think you really over reacted.

[HDC80]

That message was sent much earlier in the night....and we then vollied back and forth several times about if I was leaving the bar soon....then txted when I was leaving the bar....and then when I got home and said goodnight.

 

There was no lag in his responses....he responded that I was heading home....and when I said goodnight-----still never having said 'yeah Ill be over'....

Not txting when he was leaving to head to his place or mine to say hey...Im heading over now, still cool?

 

He did NOTHING to say he was coming over----I went to bed expecting to be alone for the rest of the night, and wake up alone.....

at 3am I heard my door open, and was startled not knowing what was going on....then heard footsteps and more....still slightly asleep...then my door opened....I still had no idea what was going on...then he spoke.

 

I recognized the voice, but remaind confused....no confirmation, no txts to say he was coming *** was he then doing at my house KNOWING that I dont like people coming over without plans or confirmation. That its a BIG no-no for me.

[Huntress0527]

I think taking the keys would send the message that I dont believe that he can respect my boundaries and that is more damaging.

 

Its just as simple as here is my line, dont cross it.

 

All he has to do next time is make set plans, or confirm....not just show up.

Should be a simple fix.

 

Taking the keys doesnt allow for him to do the right thing....

 

This almost sounds like you're trying to teach a child. He's not a child but your partner. I can understand being upset about being awoken at 3 am. That would scare anybody. I do think you need to let this go. This sounds like you're making a mountain out of a molehill.

[camus154]

So if you tell someone not to do something....and then they do it....you just let it fly?

 

Pay attention to the language you keep using here. Notice how it all revolves around control?

 

You know the one thing you haven't said in this thread? "Thanks for the replies, I can at least sort of see his viewpoint now." The closest you've come to that was when you tried putting yourself in his shoes--only to stop when you realized you'd never be in them to begin with. Kind of defeats the purpose of the exercise, no?

 

Quite frankly I think you're unable to step outside of your own ideology here about what you want and expect and how he should easily respect all of these things, in order to appreciate the fact that he's not you and that he's somewhat confused by a girlfriend who gives him the keys to her apartment but then waxes on about how sacred her space is. This inability to relax a bit and stop focusing so much on how right you are will be the death knell of any relationship you're in.

[DN]

This is from a previous thread talking about your parents and your boyfriend My family is definitely about control.

They have never allowed anyone in------was never able to have friends over to play, was never allowed to hang at my house----they never allowed me to make plans, and thus I never had friends growing up (as a teen people would try, but they would give up quickly when I was never able to do anything after school or on the weekends...and their insane rule that I had to ask 24 hours PRIOR....so randomly being asked to hang out after school was NEVER allowed)Can you not see a pattern developing here?

[CaliforniaGirl2222]

The point is he is your significant other. When he spends the night, you sleep together, right? He has a key to your place. You invited him over a few hours before. You knew he was drinking. And you said he was drunk. You let him drive 40 mins home, DRUNK? That's horrible!!

 

You ask why would he chose to sleep at your place instead of his own? Really? Because you are his GIRLFRIEND! He chose to sleep next to you.

 

When you texted him, it was still somewhat late. It wasn't like you spoke with him in the morning and never heard from him. He was going home. Had a late night and wanted to sleep with his girlfriend. How is that not respecting your space?