Showing up at my house.....and I wasnt happy about it and he got pissed

[Elaine Marley]

Hi, OP, just wanted to say that I understand how you feel as I am one of the four other ppl on the planet who is very protective of my space and HATE people coming by unannounced. I was also raised similarly as you, so I definitely understand. (I think my parents are too rigid though.)

 

I hope you guys work it out as it does seem like he didn't understand why that is important to you and took offense because he thought you didn't want to see him when it really was the situation. But, really, 3am? When you are in bed and not expecting him?! I would have been terrified if I were home alone and heard the door open and footsteps coming to the bedroom door!

[jenny_mcs]

I think you are entitled to your boundaries, even if most people don't understand them. I think you could have handled the situation much better, though. I read a couple of your older posts. When you first introduced your bf to your parents, they didn't like the way he held his fork. Therefore, they didn't pay any attention to what he had to say, or what kind of person he was. He did something "wrong" and that was all they focused on. This seems like a similar situation. Obviously your bf didn't know what a huge deal it was to show up unannounced.

 

But instead of looking past it (at the moment) and seeing what was behind it- maybe he missed you, maybe he thought it wold be sweet, maybe he just really wanted to sleep & wake up with you- you focused solely on this "wrong" thing he did. I think you could have been kinder and a bit accommodating to him that night, and then the next morning let him know that you really don't like him showing up unannounced and ask him to please text or call if he's coming over.

 

Stop solely focusing on this rule he broke and try to see that the intent behind it was a good one.

[DN]

This is the sort of thing I was talking about but it is also added to wanting specifc time apart and, most importantly, residual feelings for an ex. Taken all round, there is a huge imbalance in this relationship.

[Realitynut]

This is the sort of thing I was talking about but it is also added to wanting specifc time apart and, most importantly, residual feelings for an ex. Taken all round, there is a huge imbalance in this relationship.

 

 

I agree with you DN......*gasp* lol

[lavenderdove]

Never give someone a key to your place unless you are willing to also give them open access. I have never given anyone a key to my place unless I lived with them and we both lived there full time. The reason for that is just such cases as this, where there are misunderstandings as to how much open access he should have to you and your place.

 

I can understand if you were upset being startled and scared at 3 am and he was certainly not thinking to wander in drunk at 3 am when he hasn't told you he was coming. However, you DID give him a key and many BF/GFs take that as an open invitation to show up anytime and use your place as if it were a second home.

 

And the argument spiraled out of control as many drunken arguments do. but i do think it is telling that he goes from discussing a key to talking about his ex-GF. I think possibly you got too serious with him too soon and he isn't over his ex yet.

 

In future if you like control of your place and don't want a BF wandering in and out, don't give him a key. That way he does have to call first before coming over.

[HDC80]

Pl3----I dont think having boundaries makes someone unpleasant. I think being mean, inconsiderate, lacking in care for the other person, being sour....those are things that would make someone unpleasant to deal with.

Having a clear cut definition of call and get a confirmation before you just show up....seems like a pretty small and very simple thing to accommodate.

 

Paris----the boundaries were VERY clearly spelled out when the keys were given. I didnt just hand him keys without a conversation. That would be foolish and then SHAME on me for assuming he would 'just know'. When I gave him the keys I said...this is so if Im not home when you get here when we have plans, you can let youself in. When you leave in the morning you can lock the door behind you....or if you're leaving after Im gone, you can lock up.

He has never once just shown up without prior plans and confirmation-----he knows how I am about people just dropping by as we have discussed it----and Ive told him how irritating I find that to be, and how much I dont like surprises like that.

 

So trust me....he had a very clear conversation and definition for what those keys were to be used for.

 

Lovesodeep----it wasnt a 40 minute drive (thats how far he lives from me)----he was 20 minutes to his house, and 20 minutes to mine. So same ride to his bed or to mine. Puzzling me further.

 

DN---trust me I compromise REGULARLY. Its a very simple thing to do----go here or here...oh you want to do that instead...cool....oh you were going to come over but now you're tired and want to stay home? No worries...you want this for dinner now you want that....awesome. You wanted to go away but you got called into work....no worries. etc etc etc.

 

Abitbroken----precisely. If it had been midnight....or jeeze even 130am and he called to say he was on his way....it would have been fine. Even if I had fallen asleep in the time it took for him to come over, I would have known he was going to be coming in. Hilarious----that HAS happened before!

 

Willpower----its the fact that he didnt think that 3am after id been in bed for 2 hours was a big deal....I think that is rude, and woulnt do that to anyone....ever. Thus I dont expect anyone would do that to me. He knew where I was out, and when I headed home and thus how long until I would be home...He also knows Im not one to hang out after going out and stay up-----

I could care less if he responds or doesnt respond to my text. Im not a jealous or insecure person. I was happy he was out having fun with his friends.

 

Laven----they key was given for convenience----so that when he leaves at 5am for work I dont have to get out of bed to lock the door behind him. So that if we're meeting after I have plans elsewhere, and he arrives prior to me that he doesnt have to sit awkwardly in his car. So that when Ive had an early flight, he could remain in bed rather than get up and leave when I did.

 

As for the druken conversation----there was no drunken conversation because I know I was sober-----and he probably had 3 or 4 drinks while out. We're not boozers....and that wasnt fuel for the argument.

 

And again Ill explain that with the key it was explained it was not a free pass to come and go as he pleased. That it still meant confirm before coming over....and the key was to help with access and locking up.

 

The same example I give is when you give a neighbor or a friend your spare key...they know when its appropriate to use it---they dont just show up whenever they want...same concept.

 

I also pointed out how its only acceptable for my roommate to come and go as she pleases as she lives there. I dont need to know if/when she is coming home....she doesnt have to tell me anything because she lives there...she pays rent...utilities...signed a lease (Im the landlord)

My BF doesnt pay rent....or utilities, didnt sign a lease.... so its technically not his home.

 

The only person able to come and go as they please with no notice or confirmation needed is someone who LIVES with me....

its pretty simple and clear.

 

I also asked around last night (here at my office as well as my dodgeball team)---they all said they dont like people just dropping by....and it was a complaint many shared...of people just coming by with no notice or call prior...that included friends and BF or GFs....so looks like Im not a rarity.

Im unsure why its being pointed out and said that wanting notice and clear plans proir to someone just showing up at your doorstep is looked upon so negatively.

[Seraphim]

Maybe it is that the both of you are just not compatible. He wants fluid lines and you want very definite lines. That is going to grate eventually and there will be a lot of resentment on both sides. I see so so so often people go out with and or marry people they are just not compatible with and they wonder why it does not work.

[DN]

Once again - I am very curious as to why you posted when all you do is to attempt to refute the points of people who disagree with you and cite those who do. It's as if you really don't want to listen to anybody other than people who validate your position and this has been very true of your other threads.

 

Under those circumstances, these threads become nugatory - they cannot possibly help you. All that will happen is that you will cherry-pick the posts to bolster your position vis-a-vis your boyfriend, as if he is going to be convinced by an imaginary overwhelming force of other people who agree with you.

 

But he won't.

 

What will happen is that these points of friction between you will be death of your relationship and your rigid and uncompromising attitude over issues like this will probably mean you will find it difficult to form any long-lasting relationship.

 

You were critical of your parents over their extreme and rigid reaction to your boyfriend (refusing to meet him again because of a minor breach of dining etiquette) - but it would seem the apple has not fallen far from the tree.

[SapphireNoir10]

Honestly. In life and relationships people need to learn to pick battles sometimes.

 

If you love him, is it a big deal that this happened? It is one instance.

 

You sound very stern and unrelenting talking about 'not allowing' etc.

 

Do you want to be with him? If my boyfriend gave me a key to his house and I showed up and he got angry I'd literally be like 'what the heck??' surely it's good to have a boyfriend who WANTS to see you.

 

I remember the post about your parents too. To be honest like DN said it doesn't sound as if your ways and their ways are very different.

[HDC80]

DN....

they full out denied getting to know someone important to me because of how he holds a fork----that itself is extreme....

 

Im not looking to END my relationship with him because of this. Its not he showed up and didnt follow the 'guidelines' well I now must terminate anything with him due to this. That would be following in similar steps as my parents are treating him.

It would be more acceptable if my parents said they would like to get to know him but would not dine with him due to his fork holding issues (in their eyes)----but they wont even do that....

 

And Im not ridgid in general.....there are very few things that annoy me or have me feel that I need to hold my ground. As Ive said over and over again....Im incredibly flexible in my life in every aspect...work, friends, plans, what we have for dinner.....I dont hold steadfast to much and am very giving to those in my life.

 

I just didnt/dont understand the logic he was using to think coming over at 3am was a good idea...and thus came here to post....seeing if others just have an open door in their relationships and woudl be fine with someone showing up at that hour when it wasnt defined.

 

Seems like people are find with someone showing up unexpectedly at 3am and waking them out of a sound sleep.

Surprised by that.

[SapphireNoir10]

It's the way your acting like it's some sort of battle or fight between you. That he needs to know he's 'not allowed' and 'make it clear'

 

He is your PARTNER not your enemy.

[EssexMan]

My BF doesnt pay rent....or utilities, didnt sign a lease.... so its technically not his home.

 

Whether you want him coming in unannounced or not, this is a curiously legalistic view to take.

[EssexMan]

I just didnt/dont understand the logic he was using to think coming over at 3am was a good idea...

 

Maybe he just acted illogically. It has been known to happen...

[SapphireNoir10]

Why give him a key if you feel this way?

[HDC80]

Why is not allowed such a poor term?

If you didnt want someone doing something----how would you state it?

 

If my BF paid rent, or utilities or signed a lease...then yes he could come and go as he pleased as it would then be his home. If he doesnt do those things, then its not his home...and he would then need to respect the wishes of those who live there.

 

I just dont understand why someone would think it was a good idea to show up at 3am after the other person had gone to bed 2 hours prior.

Even if I wanted to see my BF, I would never just show up like that at his place and wake him, that seems like a rude thing to do!

[HDC80]

Ive explained why he has a set of keys

 

For when he leaves at 5am for work so I dont have to get out of bed to lock the door behind him.

So he can lock up if I leave prior to him so he doesnt have to leave at the same time with me

So if he arrives at my house and Im running a few minutes late, he can enter and not have to awkwardly sit in his car.

[DN]

I was not suggesting you end the relationship (although I do think you are incompatible). I am suggesting he probably will if you continue like this. I have rarely seen anyone so rigid and uncompromising over an issue and, contrary to what you claim, this does seem to be your general attitude.

 

I feel sorry for you because I think you will end up very lonely.

[Justnotsure]

OMG -- this subject is the deadest horse I've ever seen.

 

You both have your points of view, and honestly - I don't think either of them is that unreasonable. Just different. So, how it works in relationships is -- he tries to see yours and you try to see his, and you come to a compromise. The endless who is right/who is wrong is not very helpful.

 

I guess the real question is - have you two resolved this?

[Seraphim]

omg -- this subject is the deadest horse i've ever seen.

 

You both have your points of view, and honestly - i don't think either of them is that unreasonable. Just different. So, how it works in relationships is -- he tries to see yours and you try to see his, and you come to a compromise. The endless who is right/who is wrong is not very helpful.

 

I guess the real question is - have you two resolved this?

 

bingo........

[SapphireNoir10]

I agree too. Regardless of what I think it is your decision and your relationship. If it made you uncomfortable it is good you communicated and told him.

 

Now all is said and done I think you should let it go and move on.

 

Have you both made up?

[Doc Blaze]

im waiting to hear the results too...

[DN]

Look at your previous threads about the problems you have with this guy and you (and others) might see what I mean about incompatibility:

 

- if and when you move in together you want two nights off from him a week - specifically two nights as if it is some sort of 'contract'; and you could not see how the way you insisted on it would upset him. You made him feel as if he were the problem rather than you wanting time to do stuff on your own.

 

- you insisted your friends delete your ex from Facebook and were angry when they didn't.

 

- you don't like to be naked in front of him and have other issues about lack of interest in having sex with him and essentially say he isn't as good a lover as your ex (I don't think you told him that but it is indicative of a problem in your current relationship).

 

- you say your ex still 'haunts' you and yet you don't seem to accept that again is something affecting your relationship.

 

- now you have a problem with when he is allowed into your home - this is someone you say you want to live with and marry and yet you are treating him as if he is an outsider.

 

Taken altogether, I think you either need to be more relaxed or leave and attempt to find someone more compatible.

[HDC80]

I attempted to speak to him about it....and he just wants to avoid the topic.

I was able to tell him that it wasnt about wanting HIM there or not wanting him there----but about boundaries of space and that just showing up isnt okay with me.

 

So we havent really fully discussed it...he just wants to let it lie. Guess from here its a wait and see thing.

 

DN---you seem to be taking some liberties with what Ive said in other posts....

 

I never said that I DEMAND 2 nights off a week from him if we live together.

What I DID say was that right now I need some time-----space of my own...that Im not currently getting. And it could be up to 2 nights per week. When I told him this he was upset, but I asked if I had signed up for a yoga clas would he have been upset---to which he said no. Indicating that he is fine if I have something to occupy that open time, but isnt okay with my just having open time of my own----when he gets 5+ HOURS of it per day (so he isnt feeling a crunch of personal time as his life isnt affected)

I said the way things are now----that because he is a guest, I cant just sit in another room while he is over as that is rude....if he and I were living together----his being in one room doing his thing and my being in another doing mine would be acceptable and likely give me the personal space I need to feel that I still have my own space.

 

Im not a co-dependent person....I require and need time alone (yes there are other people who need alone time....some are fine being around someone all the time and like the company...I like the company but also need alone time mixed in...this is not abnormal)....he has that time, every single day from 2pm - 7pm or later.

 

Yes I was angry with my friends for not deleting my ex. They barely had a friendship and remaining friends with someone who was THAT cruel to me, isnt being a good friend. That they're remaining friends with him didnt show that they were very loyal and these very people have asked that I delete people they stopped dating (though was able to reply it had already been done as it was understood that it should be without needing to be asked)

 

The not liking to be naked IS NOT ....repeat IS NOT....something that only exists with my current. I have ALWAYS been like this with anyone Ive slept with.

 

My ex haunts me due to my friends still commenting and speaking about him....oh and the fact that he is having a child just under a year after our break up...with a girl he was with for under 4 months before he got her pregnant----that would mess with just about ANYONE.

 

yes I have an issue with the logical thinking skills, respect and also boundaries that were not respected.

 

Im plenty relaxed...you dont know me and dont know how I am with friends and making plans...and how I operate on a daily basis. Trust me Im chilled out...and easy going.....just dont show up to my house unexpectedly....I dont think that is much to ask for a boundary of friends, family or a BF.

[DN]

OK, well, I hope things work out for you.

[becomingkate]

I did not read the entire thread, but have to say that if my BF showed up at my house, in my bedroom, at 3 am without notifying me first, he'd be lucky if he didn't get shot!

 

It's one thing to show up and ring the bell, it's quite another to just come in unannounced. Add to that she has a roommate, and it's not very courteous to show up after a night of drinking.