Cope and Hope Posted January 28, 2013 Share Posted January 28, 2013 Cope---- Ive thought about his position.....and curious how I would have felt in his shoes---and then realized, I would never put myself in that position. I would never just go over to my BF's house out of desire to see him and surprise him.....unless we had plans I wouldnt just drop by. So I would never get that reaction from him, as I would never put myself or him in that situation to begin with. Plus it was 3am....logical thinking skills do come into play here....desire to see GF and surprise her...she doesnt like surprises or people coming by without plans first...I didnt confirm, and its 3am and she has been asleep for 2 hours...does this seem like a good idea. All points go to NO does NOT seem like a good idea. Again, still thinking of things from your angle only. This is going to be the last input I put in this thread here since I'm not trying to turn this into a whole debate because, like I mentioned, I understand why and how you could be upset from it. Not judging you, to each their own. Just because YOU would never put yourself in that position doesn't mean he wouldn't nor does it mean nobody else would. Obviously a lot of people on this thread alone disagree with you on your sort of reaction. Again, it's your house and it's your life so if you've told him not to do something like that and you're mad that's fine. However, to say that all logical points go to it's a bad idea and he shouldn't have done it is off. With my ex whom I was with for 3 years I can distinctly recall 2 times when I had stopped by unannounced. Once, I stopped by late in the AM coming home from a party and stopped by her place. She was asleep, I had woken her up, and even though I had planned on just knocking out on the couch because I was too tired to drive home she asked me to come to bed anyways and we just snuggled up, slept the day away, I made her breakfast the next morning, and we went wine tasting the next morning unexpectedly. Bad outcome? No. The other time I stopped by coming home from visiting my brother. She had asked me to come over the day before to go watch a movie but I couldn't as I was busy with family. On the way home I stopped by late, probably around 1 A.M or so, and she was up crying. Unfortunately she was still up because her grandpa had passed away. I comforted her all night until she was able to fall asleep and then I passed out too. Point is, surprises aren't always a bad thing. It's just your view of the guy. You're seeing him as a bother when he stops by and if it really is for you then it is, whatever. I know sometimes when I'm studying or am excited to do something for myself I don't want to be disturbed either. Just need to be able to look on the flipside. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HDC80 Posted January 28, 2013 Author Share Posted January 28, 2013 PL3.... So you're saying no one else on Earth would be okay having to CALL OR TXT and get a RESPONSE that its okay to come over??? Come on! You cant tell me that everyone on Earth is okay with people randomly stopping by whenever they please I can think of many people who complain about this very thing in their lives.....on TV, in articles.... Im unsure why I have to adjust to someone having free reign of my HOME unless they LIVE there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HDC80 Posted January 28, 2013 Author Share Posted January 28, 2013 Does it make a difference if I had an appointment in the morning and had to be up at 830am? Yes he knew about the appointment So we couldnt have slept in and then gone wine tasting..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pl3asehelp Posted January 28, 2013 Share Posted January 28, 2013 PL3.... So you're saying no one else on Earth would be okay having to CALL OR TXT and get a RESPONSE that its okay to come over??? Come on! You cant tell me that everyone on Earth is okay with people randomly stopping by whenever they please I can think of many people who complain about this very thing in their lives.....on TV, in articles.... Im unsure why I have to adjust to someone having free reign of my HOME unless they LIVE there. Might be one or two people out there, but I think most would find this downton abbey formal, uncool, cold, and unwelcoming. The way I look at it is - if he randomly comes over and you're busy with something, that's his problem. It doesn't have to turn into some emergency inconvenience to you. Another thing you can do is just tell him you're busy and the he leaves, same end result as if he had he called or texted. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
agent1607307371 Posted January 28, 2013 Share Posted January 28, 2013 Honelslty, I agree with you in that if he knows your boundaries he needs to respect them (though the key is a bit of a mixed message) but I think you are both making too big a deal out of it. Your house, your rules. He obviously agreed to them at some point. I would apologise for being so unwelcoming, but stand firm on your boundaries. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HDC80 Posted January 28, 2013 Author Share Posted January 28, 2013 PL3....but to avoid all of that... coming over and it being his problem....or his deciding to leave----wouldnt it be just as easy to CHECK FIRST to not drive the 40 minutes to my place, only to just turn around? Also...its rude if you have a guest to just keep doing as you're doing like they're not there....so if I was in the middle of something I would need to stop. Im not looking for a few days notice----he could txt me at 730 and say he was in the area....and if I got it would then say sure come on by....or no Im in the middle of something sorry! Im having a hard time grasping that this is SO formal that its like dance cards, and gentleman calling cards. The irony....is most of my friends dont like unexpected visitors to their places either----further telling me that only finding a few people who would be okay with this to be rather outlandish. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HDC80 Posted January 28, 2013 Author Share Posted January 28, 2013 I told him its not that I didnt want to have him around----its that he didnt use good logical thinking skills and wasnt respectful. He just kept saying that he had never had a reaction like that to just showing up. I just kept saying well....Im not everyone. Its not like I was in bed with someone else, or nervous about getting caught doing something I shouldnt. I was in bed....in my comfy pants and tank top----totally passed out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doc Blaze Posted January 28, 2013 Share Posted January 28, 2013 He isnt your friend..maybe thats were alot of people dont agree...you dont have to agree your rules are your rules..thats just were a lot of people would be like yeah its late but w/e if my gf showed up i would porbably be like yeah what the hell are you doing here but would quickyl get over it... im not saying your wrong..im just saying where you stand firm..a lot of people would give in Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EssexMan Posted January 28, 2013 Share Posted January 28, 2013 You cant tell me that everyone on Earth is okay with people randomly stopping by whenever they please Of course not, but this isn't "people randomly stopping by whenever they please", it's your boyfriend doing it, once...if it's that big a deal I am afraid you are not quite as flexible as you are saying. Flexibility does not just mean booking a trip at short notice, it also means putting up with stuff that is less than optimal for you, within reason. All the other examples of your behaviour you have given are of pretty normal, reasonable flexibility. So why not on this issue? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pl3asehelp Posted January 28, 2013 Share Posted January 28, 2013 It's formal of you to think that if you're in the middle of something and your guy comes over you need to stop or you're being rude. If you're not interested in changing your attitude and don't see the potential disservice it's doing to you I don't think you really need any more advice. He's not going to forget what happened or do it again, I can promise you that. He may very well likely bolt on you after this, but if you're ok with that because you value these rules more than a SO, then that would be in your favor - very logical. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HDC80 Posted January 28, 2013 Author Share Posted January 28, 2013 For me when someone has a clear idea of what my boundary is and then ignores it.....I make it pretty clear it wasnt okay, and will NOT be okay in the future. Its one of those make it clear its unacceptable and not to happen again. There will be future instances where we do different things than one another on a Friday night.... It should be pretty clear now that if there are no set plans, and its 3am...showing up is not going to go well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HDC80 Posted January 28, 2013 Author Share Posted January 28, 2013 I dont think that its okay for someone to do something that Im uncomfortable with and just let them get away with it. That is how you get walked all over There are boundaries for a reason. If he had some boundary that I crossed, I would anticpate the same flame from him about it. Its not about valuing boundaries over an SO, but an SO realizing and respecting those boundaries. If he bolts after this, then he has little back bone and is insecure. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
camus154 Posted January 28, 2013 Share Posted January 28, 2013 I dont think that its okay for someone to do something that Im uncomfortable with and just let them get away with it. Let him "get away with it"? This is the language you use to describe this situation? Look, your boyfriend wanted to stay with you one night instead of going home. He was caught off guard by your reaction, and now apparently your only concern in this situation is driving home the point that he was rude, disrespectful, and that he shouldn't "get away with" ignoring your wishes. You two are most definitely not existing in the same relationship. If he bolts after this, I think it's more because he's realizing this rather than because he's insecure. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HDC80 Posted January 28, 2013 Author Share Posted January 28, 2013 How else do you let someone know to not do something again? If I didnt react that way he would have thought it was an acceptable thing to do...which it isnt. Thats great that he wanted to stay with me....but he was thinking about HIMSELF.....he didnt consider that it would wake me up....that Id been asleep for 2 hours...that it might SCARE me....and that he didnt confirm he was coming over----stepping on another boundary I have set. I dont believe that being with someone implies that they can do as they please and as they want....I certainly dont. There are times Id like to see him, or join in on what he is doing....but I dont let that overried my respect for him, or his boundaries. So why is it okay if he does? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pl3asehelp Posted January 28, 2013 Share Posted January 28, 2013 If he bolts after this, then he has little back bone and is insecure. I disagree - I think the opposite in fact. The only guy that would be ok with the level of formality and rules you expect them to follow would be a guy with no mind of his own who really doesn't think they can do any better for themselves. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HDC80 Posted January 28, 2013 Author Share Posted January 28, 2013 Pl3... So I should bend what I find acceptable to accommodate what he find acceptable, and compromise my beliefs on space and respect so I dont hurt his feelings? that doesnt sound like being a strong woman in my book. It also doesnt sound like Id be respecting myself. I respect his boundaries.....why shouldnt he respect mine? Mine are simple---dont show up un announced. Thats pretty much it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EssexMan Posted January 28, 2013 Share Posted January 28, 2013 So why is it okay if he does? There are grades and shades of not-okay. He made a mistake. He probably didn't realise how not-okay crossing this particular boundary would be for you. The interesting question is why it is such a sacrosanct boundary (to the point that you actually feel it necessary to explicitly state that your roommate is "allowed" to come and go as they please, when nobody in the world would expect otherwise!!!). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pl3asehelp Posted January 28, 2013 Share Posted January 28, 2013 Pl3... So I should bend what I find acceptable to accommodate what he find acceptable, and compromise my beliefs on space and respect so I dont hurt his feelings? that doesnt sound like being a strong woman in my book. It also doesnt sound like Id be respecting myself. I respect his boundaries.....why shouldnt he respect mine? Mine are simple---dont show up un announced. Thats pretty much it. Relationships are all about compromise if your priority is making one work/last. You're entitled to your boundaries, just as men are entitled to find you to be an unpleasant partner and break up with you because of those boundaries. I agree it's simple. You decide what's important to you and what you tolerate and do not, just as well all do, but there are always consequences to those choices. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ParisPaulette Posted January 28, 2013 Share Posted January 28, 2013 The problem is by giving him a set of keys without a set of clearly defined rules you set this up as a bit of problem, because you both assumed certain things. Him, that he could indeed drop by any time since you had given him keys to the place and you, by assuming he'd always let you know when he was coming over. Add into the mix the fact he was likely hoping for some romance that night plus you reminding him of an ex plus you being annoyed that he didn't stop to think about what he was doing before he did it and you get...a misunderstanding that generates a fight. These things do happen. The key now is to sit him down and fully communicate and work out whether or not he should have keys. And in the future, don't just assume he'll know not to do that. Sorry, but many times people don't think and you are always safer to communicate what your boundaries are than just to presume someone else will know what they are. Something along the lines of, "I'm giving you these keys now, so you can let yourself out after we've been together. Please don't just show up and let yourself in, in the middle of the night though or you might get yourself laid out with the bat I keep by my bed," would have gone a long way to avoiding the whole fight in the first place. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted January 28, 2013 Share Posted January 28, 2013 I am not clear why you posted this thread when you have been so adamant from the beginning that you are right and dismiss anything anyone says that doesn't fit in with how you reacted. Did you just want validation of your position? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LoveSoDeep Posted January 28, 2013 Share Posted January 28, 2013 There are grades and shades of not-okay. He made a mistake. He probably didn't realise how not-okay crossing this particular boundary would be for you. The interesting question is why it is such a sacrosanct boundary (to the point that you actually feel it necessary to explicitly state that your roommate is "allowed" to come and go as they please, when nobody in the world would expect otherwise!!!). I think she's reacting this way b/c people are attacking her. Bottom line it isn't the end of the world but it's important to her. She has made the choice to make this clear to him and she's prepared to deal with the consequences.... For the record I must be the only other person onthe planet who agrees and thinks he should have let her know first. Did anyone lse pick up that he drove 40 minutes? Who drives 40 minutes without checking first...I'd be confused too. Yes, maybe he's trying to be romanic and he wants to see her that's all lovely but I think she made it clear to him proir to this incident that she doesn't operate that way and he took a chance in disregarding that hoping she'd just be happy to see him...that's a big rist to take at 3am. I'm sure they can work through this everyone ganging up on her is just going to make her feel more defensive about it which isn;t a good place for her to be.....so guys please everyone is different let her just be different. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted January 28, 2013 Share Posted January 28, 2013 People are entitled to do whatever they want - and be different. I just don't see the point of asking people their opinions when it is clear nothing that anyone says is going to make any difference. My perspective is that the OP has this and other issues with her boyfriend in which she never seems to want to compromise that I just don't see how the relationship can last unless she becomes much less rigid. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted January 28, 2013 Share Posted January 28, 2013 I would have jumped sky high if someone was entering my house at 3 am unexpected. I don't care who it is. If he was checking with her if she was going home at let's say midnight I would assume midnight to one would be a reasonable time for stopping by - she'd be expecting him and no confirmation needed. But 3 am he should have called her to see if she was up. I would be in bed by then and it would scare the jeepers out of me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Realitynut Posted January 28, 2013 Share Posted January 28, 2013 I would have jumped sky high if someone was entering my house at 3 am unexpected. I don't care who it is. If he was checking with her if she was going home at let's say midnight I would assume midnight to one would be a reasonable time for stopping by - she'd be expecting him and no confirmation needed. But 3 am he should have called her to see if she was up. I would be in bed by then and it would scare the jeepers out of me. I would have jumped sky high in anticipation!!! lol And i wouldn't have cared who he was!!! lol ALL...and i mean ALL my bf's have stopped in unanounced at sometime in their life...i never cared...ever. But with FRIENDS...yes...i would want a heads up....cuz i'm usually sitting around naked.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
willpower123 Posted January 29, 2013 Share Posted January 29, 2013 OP, I feel you are more pissed about him not responding to your text than him showing up at 3AM. OR I feel you don't love this person much. Just my opinion. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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