My mom is having an affair, and I can't tell anybody

[DN]

"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing" ~ Edmund Burke.

[pl3asehelp]

So you think your brother is better of living a lie? He's going to learn this is how marriages work and this is how families behave and wreak this same havoc on a woman and kids someday. Much better to just tell your mom she has 1 day to tell your dad before you do. If she tells you he already knows, tell her she won't mind if you you confirm that with him then.

 

I've read all these replies and have not seen one justification for continuing this lie. It's not going to help your brother to remain in this lie, it's going to hurt him long term and since you have an opportunity to do something to stop that right now, if you don't take it, you are also responsible. And I remember being a 15 year old guy. I would have wanted to know. I also would have felt hugely betrayed by you if I knew that you knew and didn't say anything and probably have trouble trusting you again. It's not up to you to decide who gets to know the truth. Everyone deserves to know the truth.

[iamkaylee]

This is exactly why affairs are so wrong and destructive to children. No matter what the OP does, she has a huge burden to bear that should NEVER have been put on her. It's a complete no-win situation for her.

 

Speak up to her dad and she betrays her mother and possibly is unjustly blamed for destroying the family. She'll have that guilt to carry for a long time to come.

 

Speak up to her mother and mom may want her to keep it a secret from dad. Talk about divided loyalties and again, the guilt and betrayal she has to carry around.

 

Say nothing and turn a blind eye, she still has the same weight of guilt, betrayal, secrecy and divided loyalties on her that is NOT hers and shouldn't have been dumped on her by a parent's selfish choices.

 

Speak up and possibly find out that dad knows what's going on and he's OK with it so long as it's discreet. That does happen. People have open marriages or ignore affairs for whatever reason all the time. Nice way to really screw up a child's outlook on marriage, commitment, fidelity and honesty.

 

OP, think carefully about what is right for you to do. No matter what you decide, you have to live with the after effects of that decision. Choose what's in line with your own moral values. If you feel you should speak up, then do so. But do not make your decision based on what might happen as a result of your silence or speaking out. Your mother already made the decision she was willing to break up your family when she chose to engage in an affair. Don't take responsibility for that. That's on her and her alone, as is the fallout from that decision.

[meczam]

I'd start by telling mom you know about the affair.

 

See what she says.

 

Maybe she'll say "your dad and I agreed to an open marriage years ago, it works, and it's best for everyone that we stay together for the good of the kids until you're older". At which point you could discuss it with Dad who will probably shrug and say "yeah it was the best solution we could come up with". Maybe he's got someone on the side too.

 

It's dysfunctional but it's no worse than most relationships out there for one reason or another.

 

Or, she may deny which totally rules out the above possibilities. At which point you can say "Keep denying and I'm going right to dad, I was hoping you'd at least be honest with ME". You could also consider blackmailing her for more allowance to keep you quiet. Just kidding on that last part. Mostly.

 

You can't perpetuate the lie.

 

Besides if they divorce it doesn't mean your brother will have to switch schools. He might be no worse off than he is now, maybe better. You can't know.

[tiredofvampires]

But I am shielding my brother. I have to- he has gone through so much in the past few years, between our parents and switching schools multiple times because of bullying.

 

This is what the OP said about her brother and the state of mind he is in, and what is at stake. The main, immediate risk to him is not some distant adult concept of relationships. It's the relationship he has right now to himself and his immediate world, as a child, as he struggles to cope.

 

However much it affects young people's views of relationships to see dishonesty, disloyalty, and a bad marriage modeled to them, it's too late to model a good marriage to these kids. They will have to grow to find their own values. It sounds to me as though the OP has some strong values already -- loyalty, honesty, and careful judgment. At least one of her parents (her dad) has instilled these, it seems (and, some kids grow up with strong ethics even amidst the worst situations, because they have an internal compass that works). And she is using what she has learned. Children can also learn from their parents' bad marriages (or bad parenting) what they don't want to have or be. The fact that Mom is having an affair here is really icing on the cake. It's not the cause of the ruination of the marriage, and it doesn't appear to be something that will destroy the marriage in and of itself. There is a chance that it will if the OP starts threatening her mom with ultimatums, destroying whatever might have been left of her relationship with her mom, then forcing everyone to confront the lie (which is in plain sight) that has been this marriage for over a decade. Why is that her responsibility?

 

Her brother knows this relationship is ruined and right now, he is THE most vulnerable person, and has the MOST to lose by a possible show-down and broken home. That is not an opinion, it is a fact, based on the relative maturity of the various parties and what the OP has presented of their personalities. So the OP is right to see the emphasis being here. What if a divorce is precipitated, and his mom gets custody, so his dad will only have visitation rights? Then his male role model and possibly his closer parent will be taken from him, right as he's crossing that threshold into young adulthood. As a child who is still struggling emotionally, being a teenager (worst years of your life) with many upheavals, this loss is quite a bit more concerning than whether one day he may be jaded about relationships. We don't know him or how he will react to women in the future, but one thing is for sure is that a boy who has heard his parents at eachother's throats, switched schools many times due to being bullied, and faces a life living with the woman who broke them up if a divorce is precipitated (and it'll be a nasty, ugly court case she might win if she has a good lawyer), how is that going to benefit him?

 

Kids need to know the truth, but not until they are maturationally and situationally ready, and from what the OP is telling us -- he is not. This is not really about moral principles in the abstract so much as the individuals involved and what is best for each.

 

And what if Dad has known (secretly) about this secret? And tried to spare his children the extra drama? How will that be doing him any favors? And how will his son view his father, as a male role model, if he doesn't want a divorce even with that, until the children are out of the house? Will that help his son view men in a positive light, or himself as a man in the making? He is too young to really understand and assimilate all the dynamics and nuances, to have that insight.

 

So the problem with us giving advice based on how others would feel, based on how we would feel, is that we are not the players in this scene with their mental orientations, and furthermore, none of us can predict how the dominoes will fall if this secret is revealed.

 

I'm very much against threats, such as telling Mom to fess up OR ELSE. Creating more enemies and wedges is not going to heal anyone or anything, and creating such adversarial fuel to the fire should not be the cross this OP has to bear.

 

It is possible this couple should have divorced long ago, in the interests of the children. It's possible their intentions were in the right place, but their decision was wrong. This is a good example of how families are torn apart even when they technically stay together. But the infidelity is peripheral at this point. And their decision was their decision. It came with risks, and this was one. Both parents will have to own that. So they will ultimately have to live with it and what their marriage has turned into, when that day of reckoning does come on its own.

[tiredofvampires]

One other note about telling Mom.

 

I would not disagree with just telling her, in private, that you know. Just so she's aware that someone knows, and isn't being fooled by the lies.

 

My problem with that is that she will double-up on her secrecy, and watching her step. And that will make it harder for Dad to find out naturally and organically (if he doesn't already know or suspect).

 

So all in all, I don't think it would serve any good. It would relieve the OP of some of the bottled up feelings, and show Mom that her lies are a joke. But that's not actually accomplishing anything productive.

[DN]

The issue about your brother is a red herring. You don't know what the outcome will be either way, but what you said in your original post is right - you are betraying your father by not telling him. You say you are close to him, but you are allowing your mother to cheat on him and will continue to allow that. So I can see why you might have difficulty looking him in the face, pretending that all is well and that you care about him, while he is living a lie imposed on him by your mother and allowed to continue by you.

 

I understand you have a horrible dilemma here but this is a situation brought about by the choices your mother has made - if this impacts the family, including your brother, that is her fault not yours. You cannot wish this situation away - it is not your fault it happened but you are responsible for how you deal with it, as hard as that may be

 

It is a terrible position that your mother has put you in - but sometimes in life you have to make hard choices and do what is right. Now you say that it is right to protect your brother - but that is being done at the cost of, to use your own words, betraying your father. Two wrongs never make a right and it cannot be right to allow your mother to betray your father (and her family) in a misguided attempt to avoid your brother being hurt.

 

As I mentioned earlier, it is easy to say that your father should be able to deal with this - but just because he is a man it doesn't make him less vulnerable, less worthy of love or loyalty, than a woman would be if it were her husband cheating on her.

[pl3asehelp]

What's productive is getting you all away from your mother who currently offers none of you anything positive. Your mother caused this mess and OP's brother is HER responsibility. No reason the kid needs to switch schools or be 'put at risk' by the parents splitting up. The parents need to man the f* up and do what they need to do in his best interest even if that means one or the both of them live in tiny apartments so the kid doesn't have to switch schools. No way on earth I'd let this lie continue. There is never a good reason to lie or betray your father like this. Let you mom take her medicine.

[Arrianarose]

Oh wow- I did not expect this thread to get so many comments! thanks, all of you

 

Yes, I'm a girl- and Arriana's not my real name

 

And I agree that confronting my mother, or in some other way, bringing this out into the open would be best for me in an emotional stance. This is killing me inside and I'm not sure how much longer I can keep it up. If I decide to do what I choose originally, which was not saying anything until my brother turned 18 in about 2 years, I'm probably not going to be able to follow through. I haven't been able to look my mother in the eye since I found out, but she hasn't noticed.

 

If my brother were not involved, I would not have hesitated for a second. I would have confronted my mother, my dad would have been told by my mother, and what happens happens. That would be the healthiest way, for me, to deal with this and I know it. But this is not the situation I find myself in. I just got accepted to a top 20 college over 6 hours away from my house. I know that, as soon as I leave for college, I won't have to worry about how it affects me. I never have to come home again if I want, as I plan on getting a PhD, which gives me the excuse of doing summer semesters. I'm not worried about my parents relationship after I'm not living in the house- it's their lives, and their choices. But my brother would have to suffer through much more. If this came out, my parents would finally get a divorce. It would be messy- there is a lot of money, several properties, etc, to deal with. My brother will get caught in the middle, and if this happened after I leave for college, I would basically be abandoning him to deal with a situation that I started.

 

We both know that our parents' situation and relationship is horrible. I know for a fact that I will always have trouble being in a long term, committed relationship. My biggest fear is being my mother when I grow up and have a family of my own. I'm not sure what my brother's stand on relationships is, but he probably feels the same way.

 

Oh and my brother goes to a private school, which has the option for boarding.

[pl3asehelp]

You are so wrong that this is a situation you would be starting by telling the truth. Your mother is to blame for this and she's probably influenced you negatively already considering you're considering lying like she does.

[DN]

I would basically be abandoning him to deal with a situation that I started.

This is where you are making a basic mistake - your mother started this.

[tiredofvampires]

I would basically be abandoning him to deal with a situation that I started.

 

Well, you did not "start" the problem of the infidelity, nor the marriage falling apart. But I understand what you mean by "started" -- you will be precipitating it going to the next level of destruction. So I think that's a legit line of thinking. I don't think you would be to BLAME for anything that happens here (even if you do spill the beans), as this was not a situation you created. But unfortunately, you have been burdened with something that forces you into a choice that will have consequences, and you're right to think very hard about those as you have been.

 

It takes a lot to ruin a marriage. Your mom didn't even "start" it. THEY started it when they got married with some likely blind spots into their incompatibilities, values-wise, and your dad may have not been carefully enough evaluating your mom's character. Of course, having an affair and lying is scummy. But this is a product of, not the cause of, the bad marriage. And ultimately, this is all water under the bridge and "who started it" before this point is not relevant to the decision YOU are faced with and the impact it will have one way or the other. So in sum, are you to blame, or will you be to blame for anything? No. Will what you do have consequences? Yes. That may sound a bit contradictory, but my point is that either way this goes, you are a party to something much larger than what you have created, and you have to keep bearing that in mind; it is only for you to navigate what is already a storm.

 

Right now, it's a question of what will do the most vs. the least damage. You can somewhat affect this with "damage control." And so I think that just taking one factor in isolation of everything else is wrong. You can't just take the cheating in isolation of the entire family dynamics. Just know that you should bear no guilt for any of this. You are not conspiring, you are not aiding and abetting, because you are not even on your mother's side. You are making choices in the interest of reducing the collateral damage to other family members. Your brother is not a side issue. He is not an afterthought. What becomes of him is not a parenthetical remark. And his welfare is not a red herring.

 

I don't agree with the "tell the truth just because it's the truth and let the chips fall where they may" approach. While you did not CAUSE this and it's NOT your fault, the information you are sitting on could precipitate some very bad fall-out, and I don't think that's something you'll be able to just wash your hands of by saying, "Well, too bad my brother had to suffer the consequences as a bystander, but hey, the blood's on my mom's hands." Fact of the matter is whoever was responsible originally is not going to change the impact this has, going forward, on your brother -- who is not a footnote, as I said.

 

For the brother, it really is irrelevant who started it. It's what this would do to the final part of his teenage years. I'm not sure why that pain would take a back seat to the pain of a spouse cheating. Unless you think getting cheated on is the worst thing that can happen to a human being, period, no exceptions.

 

If it is one's belief that the under any circumstance, the worst thing that could happen is someone being cheated on and THAT is what should carry the day, then yes, it makes sense to expose this.

 

If you believe that there could possibly be other even worse things, given certain extenuating considerations that might make adultery a secondary concern, then it makes sense to consider this for its extenuating circumstances.

 

I don't believe that cheating is always and every time the paramount issue in any given complicated problem with families; I don't believe there is only one right way to go about dealing with it. And I don't believe that any situation which is morally improper has single-remedy answers. It's case by case.

 

OP, when you say your brother can board at school, are you suggesting that maybe if your parents divorced, he could finish his high school education living at school? Is this something you think he would handle okay? I tend to think that this is a pretty scarring way to end your childhood, which has already been fragmented. How do you think your brother would feel?

[DN]

I suppose the bottom line is - are you going to be able to maintain the good relationship you have with your father when every time you look at him you are going to feel guilty? Because what usually happens when people feel guilty is that they avoid the person they feel guilty about and eventually the relationship breaks down. Any time he does something for you, or gives you a sign of affection, you will feel that guilt, knowing what you know.

[Arrianarose]

His school is weird- you can board on and off when ever you like. Right now, he's boarding because he's on the basketball team. He didn't board in the fall though, because he was not playing a sport. He could have if he wanted to though. He'll probably stay there in the spring because of baseball. It's on and off- whatever is most convenient at the time. So no, his boarding would not have a detrimental impact on his life- he actually loves boarding so he does not have to be at home.

The reason I bring that up is because my parents getting a divorce would not have to affect his education. He loves his school and he is going to stay at his school no matter what happens.

 

And I don't know @DN. I want to say no, I can't look him in the eye not tell him. But I can. The only reason I can is because I know that, above everything else, he would want me to make sure that my brother is ok. I think, that if my dad was able to make the choice, he would want me to chose my brother every time.

[tiredofvampires]

So he is doing well in his social network, and educationally? Has has friends, and good support? He's well-adjusted? And he's overcome the hurdles of his growing pains, for the most part? You've said that you feel afraid for his welfare, that he would take a divorce badly.

 

How much of that is based on what you know of his coping skills, his emotional nature, where he's at psychologically, his personality and vulnerabilities, the way it would materially impact his life -- and how much of that is just you being a caring big sister with a protective instinct, even if he may be able to adjust well with a divorce?

[DN]

And I don't know @DN. I want to say no, I can't look him in the eye not tell him. But I can. The only reason I can is because I know that, above everything else, he would want me to make sure that my brother is ok. I think, that if my dad was able to make the choice, he would want me to chose my brother every time.

You are assuming that keeping this a secret is in your brother's best interest - don't you think your father is the person who should decide what is in your brother's best interest? If he is as responsible and loving as you say, he will not do anything that will harm him.

 

You should be able to trust your father.

 

But living a lie is in nobody's interest.

[Arrianarose]

@tiredofvampires

I don't know well enough to make that distinction. He's always been fragile emotionally, and I know that he still is. He puts up a good front, but I'm pretty sure that he is still very hurt inside, more by bullying than by my parents. He is horrible at coping with problems that come up in his life, and he's a very young 15 year old (though I could just be thinking that because I am a girl). I don't know if my concerns are based off of the way he feels right now, or the guilt that I've always felt that I haven't been able to protect him better.

[Miss Firecracker]

I hope your brother will not be so traumatized that his grades fall and his whole future is changed. Those last two years of high school are so stressful anyway, even if home life is peaceful.

 

I see absolutely no good coming from it.

[DN]

@tiredofvampires

I don't know well enough to make that distinction. He's always been fragile emotionally, and I know that he still is. He puts up a good front, but I'm pretty sure that he is still very hurt inside, more by bullying than by my parents. He is horrible at coping with problems that come up in his life, and he's a very young 15 year old (though I could just be thinking that because I am a girl). I don't know if my concerns are based off of the way he feels right now, or the guilt that I've always felt that I haven't been able to protect him better.

You should not feel guilty about that - you have done your best by him and that is all that can be reasonably expected of you.

 

I know you believe you are doing the best for him now, but as I said, that is your father's job and it is not really your place to make those decisions.

 

No one benefits from living a lie, except your mother. She is cheating, will continue to cheat until it is in her benefit to divorce your father at a time best suited to her so she can get whatever she can from him and will probably make it all his fault, still lying by omission about her cheating. She doesn't care a jot about you and your brother - just herself and she will harm your father at some point. Meanwhile, he is being kept in ignorance.

[redswim30]

OP,

 

I would stay out of your parents marriage. They probably have far more information than you do about that state of it and their future plans.

It's a very naive assumption that your father does not either suspect, know or at least have some idea as they have not shared a bed in ten years. They most likely have discussed things at length privately. That is not something people just "do" unless they are gravely unhappy and there is some "arrangement" they have agreed to. Most people would get divorced rather than not even share a room (unless they are elderly). It's entirely possible that they are choosing to "stay married" until both of their children are 18. And until then, they can have other relationships- which is plausible considering they have not slept in the same bed for a decade. Situations happen like this all the time. Maybe I'm wrong, but what I do know is that no good will come of you talking to either of them about this.

 

Here's why: You may alleivate your own feelings, but it will probably make matters worse for them. If they stuck with a bad marriage this long, they are unlikely to get divorced at the moment. The real person who will be hurt is your brother caught in the crossfire that will follow if indeed your father does not know. Or worse, if he does, but they are trying to protect you and your sibling by keeping it a secret.

 

It is entirely possible that your parents have an agreement that you don't know about. If that is not the case, then things will reach a head once both of you kids are adults anyway.

 

Then one of two things will happen- They will choose to divorce Or continue to live out their horrible marriage. But please recognize that either choice is theirs to make. And anything you say is really unlikely to make a diffference in their actions as they are already living in a horrible situation of their own choosing. In my humble opinion, I really do believe that any "conversation" is likely to result in mere anger, frustration, and your brother being hurt more than anyone.

 

Let your parents sort this one out for themselves.

[pl3asehelp]

If dad knows, he would be proud to have his daughter tell him as he'll know he raised a good honest daughter.

[redswim30]

She doesn't care a jot about you and your brother - just herself QUOTE]

 

I think that is a really harsh assesment. Being a bad wife doesn't make you a bad mother or mean that you don't care "a jot" about your children.

 

She is, after all, clearly living in a loveless marriage for her childrens sake. I agree she's making some very poor decisions(if in fact she is "cheating"-which we aren't even sure she is, given the living arrangements) but that doesn't mean she doesn't love her kids. Just sayin. Besides, how do we know he isn't seeing other people ? Just because no one has "caught" him ?

[DN]

She doesn't care a jot about you and your brother - just herself QUOTE]

 

I think that is a really harsh assesment. Being a bad wife doesn't make you a bad mother or mean that you don't care "a jot" about your children.

 

She is, after all, clearly living in a loveless marriage for her childrens sake. I agree she's making some very poor decisions(if in fact she is "cheating"-which we aren't even sure she is, given the living arrangements) but that doesn't mean she doesn't love her kids. Just sayin. Besides, how do we know he isn't seeing other people ? Just because no one has "caught" him ?

People who care don't make decisions that could destroy their family and hurt their children.

 

There is no evidence that he is cheating and it seems grossly unfair to him to insinuate that he might be - let's not assume guilt without reason. How would you like it if I assume you steal from your employer and as evidence cite the fact that you haven't been caught yet?

 

But if he were cheating and his wife wasn't, I wonder if some people would be so lenient and understanding. Why does she deserve some sort of sympathy and he is left to twist in the wind?

[pl3asehelp]

She doesn't care a jot about you and your brother - just herself QUOTE]

 

I think that is a really harsh assesment. Being a bad wife doesn't make you a bad mother or mean that you don't care "a jot" about your children.

 

She is, after all, clearly living in a loveless marriage for her childrens sake. I agree she's making some very poor decisions(if in fact she is "cheating"-which we aren't even sure she is, given the living arrangements) but that doesn't mean she doesn't love her kids. Just sayin. Besides, how do we know he isn't seeing other people ? Just because no one has "caught" him ?

 

Are you familiar with the effects of infidelity on children? They last forever. I don't think any parent who cares about the well-being of their children would subject them to this. It's a form of abuse.

[Miss Firecracker]

Your parents haven't slept together in ten years. Clearly this marriage is a sham. Why wouldn't she have a boyfriend? When it's over, it's over.