My mom is having an affair, and I can't tell anybody

[Arrianarose]

Hi,

I found out about 3 months ago that my mother is having an affair. My mom and I were taking a long car ride to look at colleges, and I had her phone in my lap, like I always do when we are taking a long drive (she answers the phone while driving and I try to prevent that). My mom asked me to text my dad something, and while I was texting my dad, a text from somebody named "?" came in. She has an iPhone, so it was impossible not to see and read it. It said, "ok baby, love you too." Reading up on the text message thread, I saw more and more intimate texts, including her talking about me and the rest of my family. There were texts like, "Can i call u?" "Not now-everybody's home" and stuff like that. There were also more explicit texts about more sexual acts. I didn't react, and my mom still doesn't know that I know.

It's been almost three months, and she lies to me all the time about it. She'll get a call, clearly from this number "?" and then tell me that it's my dad. She's never home, not that she ever was before, and I know that she's at his house. I know that he is married, and I have my suspicions about who it might be, but I'm not sure, and I really don't care. My parents have never had a good relationship, and they haven't slept in the same bed in 10 years, since my dad lost his million-dollar-a-year job. I know that my mom would have left my dad long ago if it wasn't for me and my brother.

The problem that I'm struggling with is that I really want to confront her, and yet I don't at the same time. I'm 17, and I turn 18 in a month. I'll be in college, and I won't have to worry about it come this August. But my little brother is 15. My first priority has to be him, right? If my parents decide to get a divorce, then, while it will hurt me, I'll be 18. I won't be involved in a custody battle. But my brother, who won't turn 18 for about 2 years, will. I can't do that to him- he has to be my first priority in this. But it's killing me inside to know that I'm betraying my dad, who I have always been extremely close to. Every day I struggle with knowing that my mom is cheating on him, and I feel like a horrible person because I can't tell my daddy if I want to protect my little brother. Is this fair? Should I confront her, or just let it be, and wait it out?

[DN]

Your Dad has a right to know and you are shielding your mother.

[MapleCanuck]

Hey my friend, I'm sorry man.

 

This is a huge burden for you to carry. You're brother deserves to know what a loving relationship looks like. What you and him have grown up with is not healthy and your parents did you two a disservice. With that being said, this is your call.

 

You can send an annoymous letter to her warning her to confess or the evidence will come out. I'd pretend a neighbor wrote it or maybe that guy's wife.

 

Your parents marriage sounds like its already over. Your mom can make up with your dad or divorce. Either way your dad learns the grit and you stay out of it.

 

You can send this letter when your brother turns 18. It's your call. So sorry man.

[MapleCanuck]

Go easy DN. he's a kid. This is a brutal thing to hold in. You can tell he's torn and trying to do the right thing.

[Arrianarose]

@DN

I know my dad has a right to know. That's what makes this so hard. He deserves to know, and my mom has been using him for years. But I am certainly not shielding my mother. We have never been close, and I care about my dad a lot more than my mom. But I am shielding my brother. I have to- he has gone through so much in the past few years, between our parents and switching schools multiple times because of bullying. I don't know if I can't justify hurting him more than he has already been hurt.

~arriana

[abitbroken]

Would you consider going to a counselor personally to talk about your feelings?

 

Why not do something with your mom - make her lunch or share a cup of tea and tell her that something is bothering you. You know that she might be having an affair and it hurts you that she is doing so. That you don't want your brother to know and you don't know if dad knows, but you do. Ask if she were in your shoes, what would she do? Give her a chance to out herself to your dad.

 

I don't think it is your responsibility to have the burden of telling your dad, though he may have figured out for himself.

[BlueKitten]

If doesnt bother you too much and you can be ok with yourself....I would almost advice you not to say anything for your brother's sake. I would just let it all happen naturally with your parents and maybe it is just a phase your mom is going through and she will get out of it.

[tiredofvampires]

You're in a really, REALLY hard bind, hon. I'm so sorry.

 

I think you're thinking with a really good head on your shoulders for a 17-year-old. You're prioritizing who will be hurt the most, and that's a very sensible thing to do when trying to decide between two awful things.

 

What you need to do is determine who will be hurt the most by your silence or disclosure. And while your dad would be very hurt by this knowledge and it must be torture having to keep a secret from the one you are closest to, he is a GROWN MAN, and he will find out eventually. And in the big picture here, this is, in fact, THEIR marriage, not yours. As much as this is your family, this is your father's relationship with your mother, and that is really something between them. So your feelings of betrayal and responsibility, while completely understandable, are not appropriate. You are not betraying your dad by keeping from him knowledge that he could find out some other way, and in fact, perhaps even has a hunch about (people do sense when their spouses are having affairs; also, can you be sure your father is not having one that you don't know about yet? So really, their marriage is their affair, and your job is not to be the police.) So that is how you need to view that, especially in light of the fact that your kid brother is vulnerable and you are smart enough to see that.

 

Even if you were fully grown, out of the house, and your little brother was also an adult and on his own, we could make a good argument for you leaving your parents' mess of a marriage to them to sort out. Even then, it is not for you to have to be responsible. Right now, they are 2 adults making adult choices, and part of that may be to look the other way for the sake of the children.

 

I think you should continue to protect your brother, who is the one who stands the most to lose over something out of his control and choices. This marriage is a trainwreck, and it will end. But why end it now if there is something more to be lost that someone innocent will have to bear? I think your protecting your brother is something your dad would forgive you for, and even be proud of you for, because it shows integrity under very difficult circumstances.

 

Good luck.

[Arrianarose]

I have considered a counselor, but both of the guidance counselors at my school are about 23 years old and have no idea how to handle something like this- they could barely handle my college application process. I have talked to one of my best friends about it, but she can't really offer any professional advice. And I don't have the money on hand to talk to an official therapist, at least until I'm 18 and get my trust fund handed over to me.

I honestly have no idea if my dad knows. The thing with my dad is that he would never do something to hurt me or my brother. So if he suspected, or even knew, he wouldn't talk to me or my brother about it no matter what, if there was a chance that it could hurt us. And this is despite the fact that him and I have less than complimentary conversations about my mother all the time. My dad's a very smart man, and I would guess that he suspects, but I can't say for certain, and I don't want to take that chance.

[tiredofvampires]

I have considered a counselor, but both of the guidance counselors at my school are about 23 years old and have no idea how to handle something like this- they could barely handle my college application process.

 

UGH. There should be some age requirement for that job. Just because this is a tough economy doesn't mean you qualify right out of undergrad for a position like that. You need life experience. At 23, they may be even more immature than you are. That's sad.

 

What you're saying about your dad really does show that even if he doesn't know about this, he'd be on the same page with your choices. This infidelity will come out one way or the other, without your having to do anything, and it's likely that if it came out now, it would just force everyone's hand. Sometimes, you have to sacrifice one "honest" thing for the greater good of the entire situation, and that's what you're doing. Good for you.

[DN]

@DN

I know my dad has a right to know. That's what makes this so hard. He deserves to know, and my mom has been using him for years. But I am certainly not shielding my mother. We have never been close, and I care about my dad a lot more than my mom. But I am shielding my brother. I have to- he has gone through so much in the past few years, between our parents and switching schools multiple times because of bullying. I don't know if I can't justify hurting him more than he has already been hurt.

~arriana

I understand it is hard - moral choices very often are. It is not you that would be hurting your brother but your mother because of the choices she has made. How do you think your father would feel if he found out that you knew and said nothing - how do you think that your brother would feel?

 

I know that people often think that men are tough and don't need their families to back them up - but men hurt just as much as women. In addition to that your mother is putting your father at risk of contracting an STD from this person with whom she is having an affair - which is another reason why he needs to know.

[tiredofvampires]

Clearly, OP, your parents made the choice to stay together for the sake of the children. So for the sake of the children means that they were willing to suffer through a crappy marriage and all that comes with that (including sleeping apart, and what that usually means, which is no sex life together anymore, which leads naturally to affairs). So that was a dual decision.

 

And so endangering your brother, who you have painted a picture of as being emotionally vulnerable now, is not what they have chosen, since they made the children and their protection/welfare the priority in this relationship. I don't know how unstable your brother is, but a rupture at his age, if he is already a little stressed, can cause severe problems in school, drug use, and even suicidality. He may not be that far along, but your concern about his mental health is significant and well-founded in this dilemma.

[Arrianarose]

I'm not concerned about my dad getting an STD through my mom- My parents haven't touched each other in over 10 years, which is probably what lead to this.

 

And yes, @tiredofvampires, that's what I have figured for a long time. They made that decision when I was 12 years old, after I ran away in the middle of the night because they were screaming at each other at 3 in the morning outside of my room. And that's why I think I shouldn't say anything- while it's too late for me to not realize this fact about my mother, I'm pretty sure that my brother does not know.

[DN]

I'm not concerned about my dad getting an STD through my mom- My parents haven't touched each other in over 10 years, which is probably what lead to this.

 

And yes, @tiredofvampires, that's what I have figured for a long time. They made that decision when I was 12 years old, after I ran away in the middle of the night because they were screaming at each other at 3 in the morning outside of my room. And that's why I think I shouldn't say anything- while it's too late for me to not realize this fact about my mother, I'm pretty sure that my brother does not know.

Well, I understand your dilemma, but I feel very sorry for your father. I hope he never finds out that you didn't tell him, I know that if one of my daughters had done that I would feel very let down.

[tiredofvampires]

If I were your dad (assuming he doesn't know about it right now), I would feel that I wish I had known once I find out, but I would not expect you to have to be that one to have informed me. That is not your job, and while we should protect our family members, it is still more my responsibility to protect you and your brother (as my kids) than the other way around. I would feel bad about not knowing, but I may feel even worse that you were put through this, which was not your fault (being put in the middle and having to decide).

 

And again. On the chance he already knows (if he's a smart man as you say, and really, 10 years of not touching, you'd have to be an idiot not to suspect your spouse could be cheating), he may actually prefer that you keep this to yourself (and that he not know the details) if he had a say, rather than a-bombing the family.

[Arrianarose]

Thanks. I made this decision to keep quiet minutes after I found out, but my emotions have been building up and I just wanted to make sure that what I was doing was right for my brother. Despite the fact that I love my father very much and I feel horrible about this entire situation, I think that he would prefer me hurting him than allowing my brother to get hurt. I do think that he will be let down that I did not tell him, but he would understand if I explained that it was to keep my 15 year old brother safe. And I sincerely hope that he never needs to find out, but I doubt that will happen

[tiredofvampires]

I think you've been very wise. I know how painful it is to keep secrets, but you know it's for a good reason, and why you're doing this.

 

Of course, it's natural that your dad would feel some let down if anyone knew and didn't tell him (assuming he doesn't know). But that feeling would fade, with a mature understanding of your being between a rock and a hard place. There ARE no good choices here, and you're just picking the lesser of two evils. If he's a good man (and he sounds like it), he will see this and not hold this against you.

 

You should be at peace with your conscience now, knowing that you made a very deliberate decision for a good reason. So even if it feels horrible, give yourself the peace of not questioning your intuition about this, and for having weighed out the worst case scenarios in either case. Trust that, and that it will work itself out.

 

You can be a support to your dad as a daughter when he's dealing with divorce. I'm sure he'll be grateful to having a loving daughter on his side.

[Arrianarose]

Thanks- this is really the first time I've talked about this, and its incredible how much better I feel now that somebody who isn't also 17 has given me several perspectives

[tiredofvampires]

And some of us aren't even 23, either!

 

(lol, I should add, no offense to my 23-year-old friends here....haha...)

[Amy7680]

I know exactly how you feel. My mom isn't married, but she did start to have an affair with a married man several months ago. I went off on her when I saw the texts. I found out the same way you did. She denied it even though the proof was right there. Honestly, go find a counselor that isn't at your school. Thats' what I did and it helped me tremendously. Just google local counseling services. Call or go there and make an appointment. They'll ask you what's going on and most of them with work with you on payments and that. That is my best advice to you. I know how hard this is. I had to keep it from my sibling as well and it was really tough.

 

I empathize with you so much.

[Ayanokōji]

I've had a similar experience during my youth, I felt like it was not my business to intervene in my parent's relationships so I kept quiet and eventually their relationship ended up in divorce anyway.

[Doofus]

Ordinarily, I think that people should keep their noses out of the relationships of others (except, of course, those who come on here asking for advice ) but, in this case, because you're their child, I kind of think you have to tell. If I were you, I'd confront my mom, and tell her that she needs to tell your dad, and, if she doesn't, you will. Even though your parent's marriage is on the rocks, your dad will still likely feel terribly betrayed if he finds out that you knew and didn't tell him.

I know this is hard; it s***s. But, you sound like you're up to it.

 

Good Luck!

[abitbroken]

At college you will be more likely to find a school counselor.

 

I am not so much worried right now on who gets immediately hurt by the news (dad, brother, etc) but by the long term for you. Will you mature into a man who is distrustful of relationships, marriage and women? I have known people who were in similar situations and sometimes parents knew that their children new and some didn't know and in general they have later trouble with long term relationships, etc.

 

If you ultimately decide to tell your dad, I would not tell him in a "guess what...mom is cheating" sort of way. I would assume he might know and say "something is bothering me dad. I know you and mom might not be as close anymore, but it really hurts me to keep things bottled up inside...I am not trying to hurt you but I don't know what to do..." Maybe the idea that you kids know something is up might result in your parents being more careful or at least being honest. But I think going to mom and making it know that you know might be more apt here. But avoid beind the bearer of bad news if you can. The focus should be more about conveying your feelings.

 

btw, keep your friends out of this. You don't need them telling their folks or their other friend who they confide in about it.

[lady00]

OP is a girl according to the profile, unless I missed something.

[abitbroken]

Okay, maybe I did miss something. WHy did I think the OP was male? Anyway, I think the long term relationships witnessing the marriage her parents have and living with that would still potentially cause trust issues.