zep Posted February 11, 2013 Share Posted February 11, 2013 Also, I have to ask, has he already quietly dissapeared? Is he currently calling you, texting you, checking in? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Javabear Posted February 11, 2013 Author Share Posted February 11, 2013 Well, if I was losing faith before it's certainly all gone now. Thanks for the harsh dose of reality. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PaintWithLight Posted February 11, 2013 Share Posted February 11, 2013 Your ex broke your heart once with the breakup. You will break your own heart many times with the false hope. ^^^This. I hope you really just find some peace and acceptance that this relationship is over. It would be heartbreaking to craft a 6-month campaign to lure him back only to break up again. I truly believe that 99% of breakups are for valid reasons. It is very rare to overcome those issues and reconnect. There is an element of fantasy involved in your thinking. He is not just a guy you want to reconnect with, he is the guy you want to share the rest of you life with. This shows a very basic disconnect between expectations. He: goodbye, it has been nice. You: How dare you, you are going to be with me for the rest of my life. I honestly think if he could read of your plan, he would not be flattered but rather disturbed at your inability to accept his decision. Your future happiness is out there, why not look forward instead of backwards? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenny_mcs Posted February 11, 2013 Share Posted February 11, 2013 I hope you really just find some peace and acceptance that this relationship is over. Agree with the above. Javabear, I'm sorry this has been so painful for you. But your time and emotional energy is *so* much better spent at this point in really trying to accept that it is over. Your letter was so sad, and as another poster noted, certainly did not sound like the happy, confident letter from a young woman who is moving forward and excited about life. In your posts you talk a lot about growing up and maturing. One of the most valuable lessons you can learn as a young adult is how to gracefully accept when things don't work out the way you wanted them to. Good luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Javabear Posted February 12, 2013 Author Share Posted February 12, 2013 I understand that my relationship is over. This is not about trying to resurrect something that is dead and gone. This is about starting over. But I understand the sentiments expressed here about acceptance and moving on. I get it. Holding on to hope is painful, but what about having confidence is what was? Yes, that relationship ended for many reasons, but the reasons are not ones that can't be fixed. I know without a doubt that I have learned and that I can do better. I could just as easily apply what I've learned from this relationship to a new one and be successful. But why not apply it to a new relationship with the old person? If it's a brand new relationship, what's the difference? I'm not hanging on to something that's gone. In fact, I don't even WANT that old relationship back because clearly it didn't work. But that person, the boy I grew up loving and continue to love still... that sweet guy who up until very recently loved me more than anything else... he's still there. Maybe his love isn't, but he is. Yes, I'm young. Yes, I have my entire life ahead of me to meet people and fall in love. Yes, my time is probably better spent forgetting him and getting on with life. But love isn't so black and white. It's not a yes or no kind of situation. It is fluid and takes many forms. My aunt told me that I was too young to know what love was and that my relationship wasn't real love. And while I respect her opinion, she's been through at least 30 boyfriends in the last 56 years and never truly opens her heart to anyone. She admitted to never once feeling the kind of heartbreak I have gone through when splitting with any of her exes. My three year relationship lasted twice as long as both of her marriages. And yet she has the ability to tell me I don't know what love is because I'm 22 and suffering from my first real heartbreak? I believe that my ability to heal, forgive and still have love for my ex not only represents my emotional maturity but my understanding of what it means to love someone. There are hundreds of posters on this board who insist that a lover who has wronged them should be stricken from the record, forgotten about like yesterday's news and never thought of again. That, to me, shows much less maturity than my plan of self-improvement and a fresh start. But I don't need to defend myself. I truly do appreciate all of the advice I've been given here in the last four months. It is so helpful to learn from those who are older and wiser and have experienced more than I have. I know I still have a lot to learn, and if I'm wrong, if this all turns out to be a colossal waste of my time and I really don't know what love is all about... then I will learn from those mistakes too. Maybe I'm just being stubborn, or maybe I'm just able to look past all the bad stuff that's happened and still see the good left there. Either way, I appreciate the advice, both negative and positive. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shane Falco Posted February 12, 2013 Share Posted February 12, 2013 I'm not going to tell you that your mission is foolhardy. If you feel the need to do this, then you are going to do it no matter what. But that letter is a no-go in every way shape or form. Way too long, way too much recollection of the past, way too negative, way too emotional, way too needy. I think letters in general are a good idea as far as getting your words out of your mind and on to a piece of paper/computer screen but they should be treated like a diary and kept to yourself. Writing a letter is therapeutic -- sending that letter is tragedy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
loveology Posted February 12, 2013 Share Posted February 12, 2013 I'm going to reply to you, but I doubt that I'm going to have much of an effect. Again, I know I'm going to come accross as harsh but only because I don't want to see you put yourself through this. I understand that my relationship is over. Everything you have written says that you don't actually understand that. You seem to think that it's merely on a hiatus while he "grows up" and realizes that he does need you after all. This is not about trying to resurrect something that is dead and gone. Yes, it is. He left you, he's told you that he doesn't love you anymore and he's interested in another woman. I don't think it gets more "dead and gone" than that. but the reasons are not ones that can't be fixed Despite our greatest hopes, we usually can't "fix" someone falling out of love with us. But why not apply it to a new relationship with the old person? If it's a brand new relationship, what's the difference? Because it can't ever be a brand new relationship with the old person - that's impossible. The fact that you still think it's possible is a sign of your youth and inexperience and/or denial about your situation. Despite all these changes you feel that you have made, you are still you and he is still himself. You can't possibly think that all of your problems will miraculously have disappeared simply because you've been apart for a while and done some self-reflection. I'm not hanging on to something that's gone. In fact, I don't even WANT that old relationship back because clearly it didn't work. But actually you are and you do. Even if you did get back together, you would not have two separate relationships. You have to stop thinking that they will be two separate entities that have nothing to do with each other. Maybe his love isn't, but he is. Yes, he's still alive and breathing but he's told you he doesn't love you, so what difference does it make? I believe that my ability to heal, forgive and still have love for my ex not only represents my emotional maturity but my understanding of what it means to love someone. There are hundreds of posters on this board who insist that a lover who has wronged them should be stricken from the record, forgotten about like yesterday's news and never thought of again. That, to me, shows much less maturity than my plan of self-improvement and a fresh start. No, I'm sorry but your actions do not show emotional maturity or what it means to "love" someone. Emotionally mature people are able to accept that something is broken and have enough self-respect to walk away when their partner makes it clear that things are over. People don't cut exes out because they're emotionally immature, but rather because they have self-awareness enough to know that contact with that person will cause them pain and heartache in the future. They understand that walking away is best for their ex and best for themselves. If he had asked you for forgiveness and for you to take him back, maybe you could make this argument, but he hasn't. You aren't forgiving someone who made a mistake - you are trying save a relationship that isn't there anymore. Your plan isn't about self-improvement, it's about getting your ex back. And even if he did take you back you would not have a fresh start, you would have a second chance at best. I know I still have a lot to learn, and if I'm wrong, if this all turns out to be a colossal waste of my time and I really don't know what love is all about... then I will learn from those mistakes too. I hope so. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Javabear Posted February 12, 2013 Author Share Posted February 12, 2013 Again, thank you for the advice. Perhaps I am too immature to see outside of myself and my own wants. I suppose all of this is just a selfish attempt to prove something. Thank you for taking the time to read an reply... I guess it's time to just squash whatever bit of hope I have left. If enough people are telling me it's a bad idea, maybe it's time I listen. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
calichick007 Posted February 12, 2013 Share Posted February 12, 2013 I won't rehash what has already been said, but here's another vote for "terrible idea." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zep Posted February 12, 2013 Share Posted February 12, 2013 I feel for you Javabear. They say the magic of first love is the ignorance that it can ever end. I think that's where you're at right now. You've loved once, and it hasn't gone away, and so it is really difficult for you to understand where your ex is coming from. You think if you feel this strongly that it must mean something, and it must still be mutual on some level. Well, this is wrong. It doesn't mean anything except you were the dumpee instead of the dumper, and your ex can absolutely 100% have no love for you. Let me to you, you CAN love someone deeply and intensely and then have it just... go. If your ex is telling you he doesn't love you any more, you have to believe him. One day you will be the dumper and understand what it is like to simply want new experiences with new people. Dumper's usually feel a mix of guilt and sadness, but most of all an overwhelming feeling of relief. This is what he wants. He IS happier now. It sucks because it's not what you wanted, but you have got to let go of it. People change SO MUCH in their early 20s. You think your ex is still the same boy, but I can guarantee you he is not. If you let yourself let go of the old memories and the past, you will see that you will become a new person as well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
loveology Posted February 12, 2013 Share Posted February 12, 2013 I'm glad that you're thinking of not doing this. Zep couldn't be more spot on in her last post. I feel for you, good luck in your healing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Edmund Exley Posted February 12, 2013 Share Posted February 12, 2013 I understand that my relationship is over. This is not about trying to resurrect something that is dead and gone. This is about starting over. But I understand the sentiments expressed here about acceptance and moving on. I get it. Holding on to hope is painful, but what about having confidence is what was? Yes, that relationship ended for many reasons, but the reasons are not ones that can't be fixed. I know without a doubt that I have learned and that I can do better. I could just as easily apply what I've learned from this relationship to a new one and be successful. But why not apply it to a new relationship with the old person? If it's a brand new relationship, what's the difference? The difference is, you are planning to spend 6 months HOPING that he feels the same way, when all signs are that he doesn't. Not everyone sees it as a brand new relationship. Honestly, as much as we like to think that, we cant erase our memories, and old issues will always be in mind. I'm not hanging on to something that's gone. In fact, I don't even WANT that old relationship back because clearly it didn't work. But that person, the boy I grew up loving and continue to love still... that sweet guy who up until very recently loved me more than anything else... he's still there. Maybe his love isn't, but he is. Yes, I'm young. Yes, I have my entire life ahead of me to meet people and fall in love. Yes, my time is probably better spent forgetting him and getting on with life. But love isn't so black and white. It's not a yes or no kind of situation. It is fluid and takes many forms. My aunt told me that I was too young to know what love was and that my relationship wasn't real love. And while I respect her opinion, she's been through at least 30 boyfriends in the last 56 years and never truly opens her heart to anyone. She admitted to never once feeling the kind of heartbreak I have gone through when splitting with any of her exes. My three year relationship lasted twice as long as both of her marriages. And yet she has the ability to tell me I don't know what love is because I'm 22 and suffering from my first real heartbreak? That boy is gone, he is a man now. Everyone changes, and will continue to change through out life, and I mean mentally and emotionally. Just because someone hasn't "felt" your type of heartbreak doesn't mean yours was more real. Actually, it kind of a sad testiment of her that she has had 30 relationships and hasnt felt heartbreak like yours. I believe that my ability to heal, forgive and still have love for my ex not only represents my emotional maturity but my understanding of what it means to love someone. There are hundreds of posters on this board who insist that a lover who has wronged them should be stricken from the record, forgotten about like yesterday's news and never thought of again. That, to me, shows much less maturity than my plan of self-improvement and a fresh start. But I don't need to defend myself. I truly do appreciate all of the advice I've been given here in the last four months. It is so helpful to learn from those who are older and wiser and have experienced more than I have. I know I still have a lot to learn, and if I'm wrong, if this all turns out to be a colossal waste of my time and I really don't know what love is all about... then I will learn from those mistakes too. Maybe I'm just being stubborn, or maybe I'm just able to look past all the bad stuff that's happened and still see the good left there. Either way, I appreciate the advice, both negative and positive. You'renot being stubborn, you're just refusing to accept the reality of he has chosen to move on in life without you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Javabear Posted March 17, 2013 Author Share Posted March 17, 2013 I found out a few days ago that my ex has been dating the new girl for the last couple months. I met with him and told him everything I had been feeling, everything I wanted to get off my chest, and then said that he couldn't contact me anymore unless it was an emergency. My heart is breaking all over again, but I think this was the right decision. I hope someday he realizes what a great thing he gave up on... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mike80 Posted March 18, 2013 Share Posted March 18, 2013 they tried to warn you.....but sometimes you have to find out for yourself. Hopefully now, you can live your life with no regrets. also, this from Loveology was excellent: People don't cut exes out because they're emotionally immature, but rather because they have self-awareness enough to know that contact with that person will cause them pain and heartache in the future. They understand that walking away is best for their ex and best for themselves. and this comes with age and experience. After you've dumped, been dumped, fallen in and fallen out of love, etc....you begin to understand that seldom do these type of situations reverse themselves, and its better to cut your losses rather than sit around waiting and hoping for one human being to change their damn mind. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rambleon Posted March 18, 2013 Share Posted March 18, 2013 I found out a few days ago that my ex has been dating the new girl for the last couple months. I met with him and told him everything I had been feeling, everything I wanted to get off my chest, and then said that he couldn't contact me anymore unless it was an emergency. My heart is breaking all over again, but I think this was the right decision. I hope someday he realizes what a great thing he gave up on... I'm so sorry that your meet-up didn't go better, but I hope you got some closure and get the chance to move on now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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