No Contact Worked, and We're Talking Again!

[Boomshine]

First of all, thank you, I appreciate the post. ^.^

 

I'm resisting the urge, because I already know where I stand. We did technically break up back in April, so there was a period shortly after where I already went through the why it happened, can we fix it, etc. with her. That was 8 months ago, too. But I already know what the deal is. She still loves me in that she cares about me. She's not IN love with me though. She obviously still finds me physically attractive since we continued to have sex until December when I moved out (which I consider to be the real breakup, since both she and I decided to do NC after that as opposed to after the breakup in April). I just need the romantic attraction back, which comes from my personality and behavior. I've worked on that immensely, and apparently done a great job with it, considering how responsive and engaged she was for the 30 minutes we were there.

 

Do I think there is a certain point where you need to bring it up? No. I think there's a point where THEY will bring it up. If you continue along as friends, while letting them build attraction for you over time, things have to get to a tipping point. No one can fight feelings forever, and the more they try to fight it, the more they'll subsequently wind up thinking about it. So even if they seem to be the type of person that would try to shove down those feelings and bottle them away, just remember that last sentence. (This is assuming there wasn't some event that caused you to break up, like cheating or a massive argument that ended with being dumped.)

 

If you did something at the end of the relationship which caused him to break up with you like that, then I think after a few hangouts, and you guys have started to get a little more comfortable again, you could apologize for whatever you did wrong. In doing this, try to mention the relationship AS LITTLE AS POSSIBLE. The less you bring it up, the better. Merely apologize for your actions.

 

 

 

No, it's most definitely not a clean state. It's a restart from the beginning. Like Metal Slug 2 (the video game). MS2 is a side-scrolling shooter game. Say you're on Level 1. You start out, get to the first couple baddies, kill them no problem. Then a bit later down the road, a baddie suddenly pops out of nowhere and kills you, but you didn't hit a checkpoint! So when you die, you restart at the beginning of the level, and all the baddies have respawned. It's not a clean slate, because you're down a life now, BUT you have the knowledge now of where that enemy is, so as you progress through the level a second time, you're prepared for it.

 

Same thing here. There is the emotional baggage from before, sure. BUT you don't think about emotional baggage when you're having fun in the here and now. And that's what we did. My big trick was that we didn't meet as estranged lovers! We met as old friends. We had fun, pleasant, engaging conversation (a conversation better than any we had between April and December), I made her laugh, she made me laugh, and that was it. I didn't talk about the relationship, I didn't talk about getting back together, I didn't even reference that we'd ever been together before. And it worked.

 

Am I in the hole? Yes, without a doubt. If her attraction for me was on a scale of 0-100, I'd say I was always at a 90-100 with her for most of the relationship. By the breakup in April, I was probably at around a 60 (And let's say love is at 80), and then by the time things ended last month, I got to around a 40. Well, the month apart obviously helped to some extent, since she went from not wanting to talk to me to having coffee with me, so let's say that bumped me up to around 45, then coffee yesterday showed her my change in personality and behavior, and that gave me like 5 more points. So yes, I'm still in the hole because I WAS at 90-100, but at least I'm around 50 now instead of 40. And if I can continue to build up slowly but surely like this, so it feels natural instead of rushed, I could wind up back at the top of the mountain once again.

 

Also, I mentioned that I changed my appearance quite a bit. I've been working out, so I've lost a bit of weight. I also colored my hair black (and she's only ever seen me with brown hair). I wore new clothes she's never seen before, and borrowed my roommate's cologne, so I had a scent on which she'd never smelled on me before. All of these factors, coupled with my behavior shift, helped her to see me in a new light, as something unexplored, versus more of the same old crap. If I had shown up there, with the same cologne, the same hair, the same T-shirt, jeans, and sneakers, she would have so many associations to the old ways (through my look, and also how I smelled). That, even with a behavior change, could have very well forced her to see me as she did before.

 

But the best part? Me being around DOES erase it. As long as I continue forward, and don't fall into my old ways, which definitely won't happen. I know where I made my mistake, and it's something I'm not going to allow to happen again, regardless of who I'm in a relationship from here out. But yes, as long as I can provide her fun and engaging conversation when we hang out, she won't focus on all the crap from before (which luckily for me isn't that much). And we can continue to move forward, wherever that should take us. ^.^

[Brokebutno1]

Wow what a great read!! I will definitely follow your lead whenever i decide to make contact again, really inspiring stuff, you're like sun tzu or somethin Good luck with it all man and keepus posted!