Seraphim Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 Well, yes I am a parent and ,yes ,I will be specific. Would I be providing cell phones ,car insurance ,and cars for people who are 18 and 21 Hell no! I cannot think of a bigger way of making kids into lazy and self entitled spoiled human beings. At 18 and 21 you are plenty darned old enough to get a job and pay your own bills. And I also believe parents are entitled to the money that they themselves earned. At 18 your parents are no longer responsible for you. If they choose to be that's nice. A lot of young people now are very spoiled and self entitled. They've had instant gratification since they were in diapers and now they just expected it. That is just setting them up for a sad sorry life. When you go out into the big bad world nobody cares about what you want or what you think you are entitled to. As a parent it is your job to make them self-sufficient and independent. You cannot do that with providing them with everything. If they don't become independent and self-sufficient then you have failed as a parent. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lavenderdove Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 I don't think it is a mid-life crisis. I think it is the two children approaching adulthood and the father showing that if you are going to stay in a child-like state of financial dependency on them, then you will live by their rules. I frankly think it is sad to associate religion with money like that and that they shouldn't do it. But I also feel that if you are over 18, it is time to leave the nest and start supporting yourself, and if you're still in the nest, you owe it to your parents to try to please them rather than thumb your nose at them. You shouldn't take with one hand and slap them with the other. And they shouldn't give with one hand and slap you with the other either. But one thing that is very clear is that they are making it clear they don't intend to support you any longer with you just doing your own thing and not attending church. So attend church with them, but meanwhile start making plans to move out and find a way to support yourself. If you're in school, that might mean a part time job and living in a house with 8 other students in order to get cheap rent. So you need to decide which is worse, going to church on Sundays, or moving out and working a job to support yourself. Pick whichever one suits you better and don't turn this into a contest of wills because that accomplishes nothing at all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lavenderdove Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 >>My father also told my brother that he is done living for his kids, and wants to focus on himself now. btw, i think that is very telling... i think deep down, he resents still having to spend money on you two now that you are over 18. And what he REALLY wants to have happen is for you to move out and support yourselves. Perhaps your mother is not fully on board with that and feels they are obligated to support you thru college, so he spends a lot of time fuming because he is still having to support you and spend money and effort on you when he wants to save money for retirement or do his own thing now that you are no longer kids. So he may be choosing something where he KNOWS it will piss you off and hopes you will pack your things and move out so that he doesn't have to fight with your mother over still spending money on you even though you are over 18. I would say the best alternative here is to find a way to support yourself and move out. He will calm down when you are out of the house and no longer in his face and spending his money while acting as if you have the right to thumb your noses at him on religion. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 I agree, a lot of kids now treat their parents like they're indentured servants. That I find pretty sad. And I think that father is just putting an end to his indentured servitude. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iamkaylee Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 I agree this is about wanting the kids to step up and start taking responsibility for themselves. You could remove "go to church on Sundays" and replace it with household chores, grades, work, etc and the argumemt would still be the same. This isn't about religion although that particular aspect seems to have touched off the powderkeg. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blueidealist24 Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 I don't think it's right that he's basically forcing you go to church, but since he did buy all those things for you I think the best decision is to go. I think your life would be a lot worse if he took those things away, right? Your brother would sure have a hard time getting to his job. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bulletproof Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 I agree this is about wanting the kids to step up and start taking responsibility for themselves. You could remove "go to church on Sundays" and replace it with household chores, grades, work, etc and the argumemt would still be the same. This isn't about religion although that particular aspect seems to have touched off the powderkeg. Right, except it's practical and reasonable to ask a family member to take out the garbage- it's a whole other thing entirely to ask them to change his/her beliefs and morality in order to keep cell phone service. Again, I think at 18 and 21 they should be paying for their own phones, etc., anyway. And these parents should be ashamed that they are coercing their children to join them at church by basically bribing them. That can't possibly be in line with whatever their religious beliefs are. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 I agree it is not a good way to go about it. As a parent though it is not easy to raise someone a certain way and then have them throw it all away. It is hard to take and that is probably where the father is at. However these kids should be paying their own way with these luxuries. I mean holy smokes I paid for my own way to work at 16 with the money I made from my job. I had to pay for my own bus pass and plunk my butt on the bus and go there. That is what happens when you give kids too many luxuries. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iamkaylee Posted January 22, 2013 Share Posted January 22, 2013 Right, except it's practical and reasonable to ask a family member to take out the garbage- it's a whole other thing entirely to ask them to change his/her beliefs and morality in order to keep cell phone service. I don't see that they're being asked to change their morality and beliefs. In fact, see it as these kids are trying to find their own way and their own beliefs while the parents are still fighting to have the kids recognize and adhere to their traditional family beliefs and values. These kids were brought up to go to church on Sunday just like their parents were. That's what I read in the original post anyway. So, this isn't some new or sudden thing dad just came up with. I also don't think there's going to be any seeing eye to eye on this between the parents and kids for a while. Again, I'll say this isn't about church or religion. Substitute "always make your bed as soon as you get up" and you can have the exact same battle if the kids think it's foolish. It's not about church beliefs and no one is asking them to change anything there or trying to force them to do that. It's about the kids' physical presence in a building and nothing more. Like kids don't tune out school teachers or lectures all the time? They couldn't do this in church too? I'm sure they've been doing it for years just like I tuned out all my highschool teachers. LOL. The difference is, under 18 you have to go. At 18, you don't WANT to go, so you think you shouldn't HAVE to go any more even when you still live at home. I don't agree with the way the parents are going about this but I don't agree with the OP's approach either. It's fine to not agree with the church (OP's words) but she needs to tell her father that and why. If he can't agree to compromise with her on it, she's got a couple of choices, go anyway and tune out, get a job that requires her to work Sundays or simply give up the luxuries and not go because it is his house and his rules. The rules and requirements don't just go away because the kids turn the magic age of 18. I'm sorry but I really don't see anything wrong with respecting someone else's beliefs even if I do disagree with them and that I think is part of the problem the OP is having. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moontiger Posted January 22, 2013 Share Posted January 22, 2013 Save up for your own car and phone. Go out and find a job that works with your class schedule. Save every penny. Do not buy new clothing or go out to eat, if you get money for you birthday or Christmas, save it. You will need a few thousand dollars. Plus money for insurance. Check out the kelly blue book website, click the green button "What should I pay for a used car?" Then click "I'd like to browse local listings." You can then search by type and price range. Also, look into getting a very basic phone with a very basic phone plan. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bulletproof Posted January 23, 2013 Share Posted January 23, 2013 Respect goes both ways. I think in this case he needs to respect his children's beliefs as well. Since he is not doing that, and threatening them with the withdrawal of financial support, I think they should support themselves. I'm not saying he can't withdraw his financial support- he's allowed to do whatever he likes with his own money- but I think it's very sad that he believes that's a good way to convince someone to go to church. And I think it's disrespectful at best, and hypocritical at worst, for his kids to just go to church and tune out the sermon. They are adults now, they have their own opinions, and it sounds like in order to live by those opinions, they need to pay their own way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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