superfan Posted January 18, 2013 Share Posted January 18, 2013 It's good that you were able to come to some kind of decision as to whether this would be a deal breaker for you or not. I wouldn't judge your decision (as everyone is different when it comes to tattoos). My husband has seven of them. I am not 100% partial to all of them, but I do like them and think they look good on him. He got them before we got together and I got my second one a couple days after I met him. I am planning on getting a third at some point (and I suspect he might get another one someday as well) but I would not get one without at least informing him of what I was going to get. I wouldn't change my mind on it if I really wanted it on my body, but I would definitely bring him in on the decision making process as he also has to look at my body for the rest of his life - it affects him too. I can understand where you are coming from when you say that the tattoo is a turn off. Part of that could also be the shock of it - that she didn't tell you about it or give you any kind of preparation for it. It is likely she did this because she knew you would not be on board with it and wanted to avoid a confrontation - but that does not bode well in terms of relationship skills. Communication is key and if she can make a major decision like this without even a heads up, then I would be worried about other areas as well. As others said, make sure when you talk to her that she knows it is partly because the tattoo itself is a sexual turn off, and partly because she did not consult or even inform you that she was getting it done - that is huge in my opinion. Good luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
becomingkate Posted January 18, 2013 Share Posted January 18, 2013 After a sleepless night and a lot of thinking I have decided that maybe it's time to call things off........ I just can't live the next 50 yeah her, me and Manson..... I never thought things could come to this over a tattoo....... I feel so low right now I have a tattoo, but it is very small and no one can see it unless I want them to. My husband is going to get one soon, but so far has held off because we can't agree on what we would both like. He's never made it seem unreasonable that I would like a say in what he chooses, because basically, his body is mine. My body is his, and any future tattoos that I'd want would go through him as well. I feel for you! I hope things work out okay, but the fact that she didn't run the idea past you is a major red flag. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Level7 Posted January 18, 2013 Author Share Posted January 18, 2013 Well I got home..... We talked..... She left..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Capricorn3 Posted January 18, 2013 Share Posted January 18, 2013 Well I got home..... We talked..... She left..... Care to share any more info/details? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Level7 Posted January 18, 2013 Author Share Posted January 18, 2013 She popped in to see me when I got home, I didn't really know what to say to her so didn't really talk to her much, she then asked if something was up, I said to her that she knew what was up, she then stated that I knew she was planning a new tattoo, I replied yeh but not that.... then she left. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iamkaylee Posted January 18, 2013 Share Posted January 18, 2013 Ouch. Damn. That would tell me all I ever needed to know and I'd start boxing up stuff. Sorry this is happening to you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pippy longstocking Posted January 19, 2013 Share Posted January 19, 2013 This has turned out to be a really sad story ..I am sorry to hear you decided to end things . I have a large tat on my back , I was single when I go it done though . such a shame you both couldn't have had a conversation prior to her going . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Level7 Posted January 19, 2013 Author Share Posted January 19, 2013 After an evening of not talking // txting and little sleep last night I found myself texting her this this morning: "About yesterday, I'm not happy with what you've had done and think you have been silly and inconsiderate but its your body and I respect that. Even though I might be off you at the moment it doesn't change the way I feel about you, I still love you and don't want something like this to come between us..... I hope it's not to late to tell you this." I don't really know what else to do or say, maybe I was wrong to txt her at all..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snny Posted January 19, 2013 Share Posted January 19, 2013 Don't text. Refrain from doing so. Be the bigger, braver, mature person here by asking to see her in person and reopen the discussion. High school students would use texting the way you are (and I know this as a teacher)... so don't stoop to that level. If you are unable to do this, then something is entirely wrong with this relationship. So from your second last post, you tried talking to her... and she runs off? Wow, she sounds very immature. If she can't have an adult conversation with you then she isn't ready to be your wife. What I am concerned about is that she did tell you that she was going to get a tattoo and that you knew. However, you both did not discuss it in full detail and it "surprised" you. You need to know what is going on in your relationship and she needs to be able to open up to you. Unfortunately, lack of communication has boiled down to something you cannot get over and it is permanent. This whole thing could of been avoided if you both sat down and discussed what she was planning to do in full detail before you can give her your full support (or not). You can't just leave things in the dark or your marriage is going to have major issues that will result in a divorce. I'll give you an example about me: I was given a job offer to teach in Japan for one year. I always wanted to got to Japan, had friends over there who were teachers and were LOVING their jobs. One of them was pulling strings to get a school he was working at to interview and hire me. It was taking me over two years to find a full time teaching contract in the states because of the economy and I had little experience. I received the offer a week before the 2011 Tsunami. After the disaster hit, I was given an option to teach in another location in Japan that wasn't affected by the disaster. Prior to the offer... heh... I was just proposed, but was filling out job applications way before I knew my fiance planned to marry me. Because my fiance is not American and he could not follow me to Japan, I needed to have a full discussion about this career plan and how he felt about them. Due of the Tsunami and then the after shock earthquakes that followed, my fiance said that he could not stay engaged and be constantly worried about my safety for a year. A few months later, I got accepted in a full-time teaching contract near our home. I use this story as an example of how couples work decisions out together. It was tempting for me to just pack up, get on a plane and move to a foreign country... but as a fiancee, it was also my duty inform the man I promised to marry about this arrangement and how to work it out. It did not work the way I wanted it to, but at least I got something that better benefited me in the long run. We both plan to visit Japan together sometime in the future. I know you're hurting all over about this and this just really sucks for you. It took me a year to get over a broken engagement, so I know how it is. Truthfully, it's better you see who she really is and how she carries herself before you permanently decide to have her as your life committed partner. You need someone you can fully rely on if you are to marry her, and it's painful that you are now realizing that she can't fulfill that expectation since you have been with her for a long time. However, based on how you've described her attitude and actions, you are better off than being with her. For a stable relationship, you should be with someone who keeps an open communication and is ready to have mature discussions without acting like a pre-madonna who chooses not to have them and do whatever they want. Understanding expectations and following through them are crucial to maintaining healthy relationships. This is not about you controlling her at all; this is about her respecting your expectations and feelings in a relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Level7 Posted January 19, 2013 Author Share Posted January 19, 2013 I know texting is normally not the preferred method to talk but I didn't want her spending all day while at work thinking about it, that on top of the fact the I have to set off to get to the other side of the country for work in the morning means I wouldn't see her again until I get back on Thursday..... Maybe I was wrong to have said anything at all.... I don't really know what I'm doing...... I've never had to go through anything like this before...... I'm broken inside...... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iamkaylee Posted January 19, 2013 Share Posted January 19, 2013 I really hate to say this but I think this goes past even poor communication. I think Snny is right on with your fiance having a prima donna attitude and doing whatever she wants regardless and there's something else going on here too. She told you she was going to get a new tattoo. She knew you weren't exactly thrilled about the idea because of her earlier tats, but that you were trying to be accepting of it. She used telling you about getting another one as an "out". You don't just walk into a shop, look at some flash and decide yeah, that one right there, hop on the table and get inked. Not with something that big you don't. She had to book that time in the shop ahead of time. A back piece that big is going to be a couple hours at least to do and depending on available shop time, the detail, the artist and her pain tolerance, it could take several sessions. They're also not cheap if the artist is any good. She knew what she was going to get done, she booked the time for when she knew you'd be off working, and she knew you wouldn't be happy about her getting this thing. But she wanted it, so she kept her mouth shut, did it anyway and in a very sneaky manner too. She hid this from you hoping that it will just blow over like the other four did, but also knowing that you'd hate it and her justification for this will be "I told you I was getting another tattoo, it's not my fault you didn't ask me about it. You didn't mind the other ones so much." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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