First time in person with ex

[shackazu]

Well, I am pretty confident that even as I move on and let her go, that I will be doing so still loving her. Ultimately I do want her to be happy, and if she was unhappy with me, then the only way that we could get back together and have a shot at really working out is if we both change and grow and are right for each other at some point in the future (and I wouldn't want her to come back but be unhappy anyway).

 

I guess that we still do have all the time in the world. We are 22 and 21. And part of my desire to rush things is my fear of her having been with other people -- which is clearly something I need to confront myself. I am positive that if I still love her in a year, or two, or three, or however many, that there will be some sort of opportunity to reconnect down the road. And I don't really believe her that she feels nothing for me anymore. I just don't.

 

I think I need to take some time away from these forums and from obsessing though. I will check back in two months from now, or if I have urges to contact her then I will post here instead. Thanks for all the help and support everyone.

[winniethepooh]

or if I have urges to contact her then I will post here instead.

Good idea.

 

Thanks for all the help and support everyone.

Thanks for the update, and keep posting them.

 

Hang in there and good luck. You'll get there

[shackazu]

I just can't stop blaming myself. Of course for us breaking up in the first place, but I just keep envisioning how My last meeting with her could have been different. If I had just treated our walk on the beach as a date (as she did tell me that if I were to ask her on a date, she would go, she just didn't see us long term...), been funny and charming and confident, and then kissed her at the end--all her feelings would have flooded back with that hypothetical kiss. I just know it. And I ****ed myself over.

 

I haven't contacted her, so don't worry about that. It's been 9 days now as of today.

[Boomshine]

I just can't stop blaming myself. Of course for us breaking up in the first place, but I just keep envisioning how My last meeting with her could have been different.

 

It's okay to take blame, but don't beat yourself up for what is already past! Hindsight is 20/20, and I'm sure if we could all go back in time, we'd do something different. BUT, there's a valuable learning experience for you here! And as I told another person I was talking to last night, sometimes people really just have to make mistakes in life to learn. For example, if a toddler keeps trying to walk up to the oven while someone is cooking, and he wants to touch the burner, he's going to keep trying until he gets what he wants. You can spend your living days waiting until he grows out of it, or maybe just one time you let him touch so he learns his lesson, and you never have to worry about him wanting to touch the stove again.

 

If I had just treated our walk on the beach as a date (as she did tell me that if I were to ask her on a date, she would go, she just didn't see us long term...), been funny and charming and confident, and then kissed her at the end--all her feelings would have flooded back with that hypothetical kiss. I just know it. And I ****ed myself over.

 

You acted out of emotion. You did what your gut told you to do because you FELT it was right, instead of sitting down, clearing your mind, and getting to a point where you KNOW in your mind that your actions are right. I'm not saying that you should never act out of emotion, but when it comes to winning a girl over for the first time or the hundredth time, she's not going to fall for the guy who lets his emotions overwhelm him. And I'm also not saying that you should never be emotional, but we have to control our emotions. And she could tell you were acting out of fear, one of the worst emotions you can exhibit to a woman. Obviously everyone's afraid of something, but when you let that fear determine how you approach situations, it will of course only come back to bite you in the ass.

 

I'm not going to sit here and guilt trip you. We did try to tell you to play it cool, but you know that already. The important thing now is that you take this experience to heart and use it to help you grow, so you don't make this same mistake twice. I was broken up with in 2007 by a girl who I thought was phenomenal, but in the 3 months I was still speaking to her after the breakup, I did everything that I felt was right, because I didn't KNOW how to behave properly that might have actually given me a second chance.

 

I called her and texted her CONSTANTLY trying to ask questions and to see if I could get her to change her mind. I bombarded friends (mutual friends, at that) with question after question, trying to make sense of what had happened, because I was dumped without getting any sort of closure, and in my emotional state, I couldn't accept that this big change was happening in my life and yet I was left without a reason.

 

But I don't beat myself up over it. Instead, I used it as a very important life experience, and because of it, I acted in a MUCH better manner over my current breakup to prevent myself from digging a hole so deep that I'd be doomed to fail again. And now, I actually have a chance, depending on how her attraction toward me changes in the coming days.

 

I wouldn't say you've necessarily burnt this bridge yet. But you have to get back to a point of strength first if there's even going to be a chance. And the first step with that is ALWAYS time.

 

Regardless, my point here is, we're all human and we all make mistakes. No one is perfect, and no one should ever expect you to be perfect. In actuality, perfection in humans is ACCEPTING humans for what we are, mistakes, flaws and all. That's what love is too. Accepting someone fully, even for their downfalls, because when you break it down, we all really do have our downfalls. Every time you think of how things "could have went better," I want you to laugh at it and say to yourself, "Wow, I really messed that one up. Guess I'll never do that again."

 

I haven't contacted her, so don't worry about that. It's been 9 days now as of today.

 

Great, just keep on keeping on. You're going to get to your turning point. Everyone does. You'll feel yourself back on top of the world once again. And like I said, maybe some point down the road, she'll get a hold of you again. But it won't be until:

1. Some time has passed.

2. You've rebuilt yourself into your attractive ways.

3. You can say you want to be with her (if that will even be the case in the future), but you don't have this feeling of NEEDING her (which she'll be able to sense too).

 

But all that's something to be worry about when it's time to cross that bridge. For now, you simply need to focus on time. Let yourself heal. It sucks going through the day-to-day, but that's why I started frequenting these forums myself. I didn't have to inundate her with all my feelings. I came here, to a place of sanctuary, where I was able to actually write out all my feelings. In doing so, it made it so I didn't bottle my emotions and become a ticking time bomb for the next time I saw her. I would never suggest you bury your emotions, but you have to remember that acting upon them (especially the unattractive emotions like fear) isn't going to make her see you in a new light. She'll see it as weakness and highly unattractive in her eyes.

 

Again, this is the past though. Don't dwell on it. Learn to laugh at it and keep moving on. You can get back on your feet, and we're here to help you! ^.^