How to get my husband more involved financially

[hers]

Right that's why I don't want him to take responsibility--I truly don't mind doing it myself but I want him to be involved bc I do feel like a killjoy when I have to say no. We can do shopping trips plus buy stuff for the house plus get both cars' oil changed and he makes me feel bad man. It makes me think I'm doing something wrong. Which of course like I said sometimes I mess up but I'd like him to get my back at least and say hey, the student loan didn't get paid so I paid it.

[annie24]

well, part of it is just the reality that now you have a house, and a lot of things that your previous landlord took care of, you now have to take care of yourselves.

[camus154]

Your feeling bad when you have to say no is your issue, though, not his. Unless he's berating you for it or something, but that doesn't seem to be the case.

 

I'd just be matter of fact about it like someone else suggested, and if he has a problem with it, tell him he can start paying more attention like you ask him to.

[penelope13]

So this is about you wanting to control taking cares of the bill, yet have him check in case you forget something? That's usually not a system that works very well since it's an arbitrary occurrence that you might forget a bill one particular months. However you have both already decided that it doesn't make sense for you as a couple to have him take care of parts of the finances.

 

 

- How about setting up alerts for everything that is not an automatic payment. Only switch off the alert when you have taken care of that particular transaction.

[hers]

He doesn't berate per say but he does get irritated and acts as though I'm not handling it all appropriately but doesn't want to offer a solution.

[annie24]

He doesn't berate per say but he does get irritated and acts as though I'm not handling it all appropriately but doesn't want to offer a solution.

 

well, maybe the annoyance is not at you specifically, but at the general situation?

[HeatherB]

Right that's why I don't want him to take responsibility--I truly don't mind doing it myself but I want him to be involved bc I do feel like a killjoy when I have to say no. We can do shopping trips plus buy stuff for the house plus get both cars' oil changed and he makes me feel bad man. It makes me think I'm doing something wrong. Which of course like I said sometimes I mess up but I'd like him to get my back at least and say hey, the student loan didn't get paid so I paid it.

 

I totally understand why you want that. It definitely would be nice in an ideal relationship. But your man is just not the financial wizard you are and you can't turn him into one. This is one area where you'll be a lot happier if you just accept his ineptness and laugh about it instead of trying to fix him.

[hers]

But I don't really think its illogical though to expect him to at least pay attention to it. Is it?

[hers]

I totally understand why you want that. It definitely would be nice in an ideal relationship. But your man is just not the financial wizard you are and you can't turn him into one. This is one area where you'll be a lot happier if you just accept his ineptness and laugh about it instead of trying to fix him.

 

Ok in that case how do I get him to not be mad that the account is not what he thinks it should be?

[penelope13]

You either say it's a shared responsibility (and there are many ways how to organize that, it doesn't have to be 50/50) or it's the responsibility of one person and the other should be able to rely on that, in the same way as you are relying on him take care of the car - i.e division of labor as someone already mentioned.

 

If he doesn't like not knowing how much money there is - that should be the incentive for him to start checking at least the balances.

 

I know you don't want to go into this, but somehow your budget seems quite complicated with many subaccounts - maybe that makes it uncomfortable for him to check and know what your total credit at any given time is?

[HeatherB]

You tell him in advance what the accounts are. And if he gets mad, just say "Yeah, I know. You seem disappointed that we can't do what you wanted. Let's figure out how we can still get you what you want..." Then you let him know what the options are.

 

Don't take his upset too personally. And it's only illogical to expect someone to behave differently than they have in the past.

[annie24]

You tell him in advance what the accounts are. And if he gets mad, just say "Yeah, I know. You seem disappointed that we can't do what you wanted. Let's figure out how we can still get you what you want..." Then you let him know what the options are.

 

Don't take his upset too personally. And it's only illogical to expect someone to behave differently than they have in the past.

 

that's true - frame it into a positive way. ie, "we can't go out tonight to celebrate the promotion, but we can go Feb 1."

[journeynow]

The thing is we budget for everything. So that's why we don't have the discretionary funds like you would think. Like budgeting for dog expenses or hair cuts or oil changes. We have to plan for some of that stuff. It's not a big deal per paycheck but we aren't both gonna go get oil changes and hair cuts and take the dog the groomer all on the same paycheck, ya know? Gotta spread it out.

 

The thing is, dog expenses, hair cuts, oil changes, etc, are discretionary expenses. If you each have your own account for discretionary expenses, you can learn to cut your own hair, or barter for it, change your own oil, groom your own dog, and use your discretionary account for going out to dinner. Or, if you stick with the one discretionary account, add going out to dinner to it so that it is budgeted. If it is important to one of you, and there's just the joint acount, include it. It eases the frustration if it can be planned for.

[catfeeder]

I'd consider scheduling 2 nights a month where we'd pair up for a quick review of all accounts--followed by a bribe with something wonderful. A back rub, his favorite meal, a great glass of wine, whatever.

 

Over time it will be less about the accounts, more about the reward, and that's when I'd ask that next account night be followed by a reward he picks out for you.

[hers]

I think we are both feeling the crunch also bc we are still paying his grandfather back (he lent us money for the house). We have just at $1100 left to pay back by march 1. His grandfather said he doesn't care how often we pay him or how we pay him back. Just that we do. So I think a lot of what we are feeling interns of being overwhelmed is that this looming IOU is not really focused on but still is. Whatever extra we have left we send, though we aren't cleaning ourselves out. I think come march 1, after taxes are back, our raises are in effect, etc, we will feel better (I hope!)

 

I think I need to be more proactive about getting him involved so maybe setting aside some time each month would be good, in addition to still mentioning if anything changes.

[abitbroken]

Did his folks basically pay for everything when he was a teen? Or did he have a budgeted allowance or worked and when his money was gone it was gone and he couldn't cry to mom and dad if there was nothing left - or did mom and dad always fund him if he blew it on something dumb and he didn't have money for something he needed?

 

I think you need to give him a little more power over his own money. I think budgeting is great, but why not have you both take more each paycheck, with the understanding that you need to get your hair cut also with that money and you need to put gas in your own car. That way, if he blows it and is annoyed because his hair is getting too long or he doesn't quite have enough gas money for the week - he has to skip having lunch out at work and pack a sandwich, etc. Or live with it. He will learn the concept of where the money goes really quick by having this cash in hand and when its gone - that's that. It will not be fun asking a coworker for a ride or skipping his energy drink, but he'll learn really fast. There is not a lot of responsibility in it if he is not in charge of some necessities that directly affect him if gas and haircuts are automatically paid and covered through the main money.

 

Also, what if next time he wants a celebratory dinner, why not ask him to check the account and surprise you based on the money left if its the end of the pay period? If you have $10, well then suggest "hey, let's go to Baskin Robbins for an ice cream to celebrate" = we'll back a picnic and end up at B&R!" If he doesn't like that, then say "hey, i have got $5 to spare from my mad money, how about you?" and if he wants to go somewhere else badly enough, he'll look in his mad money and find a few dollars by not going out for lunch at work tomorrow.

 

Honestly, the only way he is going to "get" the concept is if he doesn't have a safety net if he blows through it. And you cant let him blow the bank account, so its a safe way to do it without being his mom.

[Fudgie]

I agree. He needs more control over his discretionary money. Let him figure it out on his own.

 

Say that once your date money is gone, you both can use your own discretionary money to go out. N and I don't have joint accounts and he makes more than I so when he wants to go out but I'm a bit low because I paid a lot of bills, I tell him that he will have to pay.

 

His idea, he pays. It will force him to budget himself.

[hers]

But that's why we do the discretionary cash. He rarely spends his.

 

It's not that he is spend-happy. At all. He doesn't care about all of that and can sit on money. It's that he just doesn't pay attention to what's going on in the account. To me there's a difference. He sits on his own cash for weeks and can sit on the cash in the account. But bc I do the bills and the groceries and such, he doesn't know what we have left. And that's what I'd like him to change. Just pay attention to the accounts. Look at the bank account, check the dry erase board to see what's paid, etc. just a glance is fine! Just know what's going on.

[Seraphim]

I am another one for this is who he is. My husband is EXACTLY the same way. He wants ZERO to do with paying bills. I have tried to show him what gets payed when and all I get is the Everybody Loves Raymond stare with drool coming out of his mouth he is so bored. All he wants to know is if the bills are covered and what is left. THAT IS IT. Do not give me a long song and dance, just pay the bills lady and let me know what we have left. However, he does know if I left or died he would be lost and his life would turn into a smoking crater. He is fine with that.

 

I think maybe that is where your husband is too and that is how he is. I don't think it is going to get very far going over it and over it and over it. I did that head banging. I just stopped doing it and accepted my fate. I am the money lady.

[annie24]

If he used the discretionary cash, would you two have been able to afford dinner?

[FYI]

It's a laziness about some men when it comes to being financially aware of what's going on and they would rather the woman to handle it. His involvement can actually help to save you both more money if you're the spender between the two of you. Two heads are always better than one. You could try to convince him that you're having trouble keeping track of everything and his help is duly appreciated.

[Huntress0527]

I didn't read all the posts so if I overlap I'm sorry. I think it's difficult for the person who doesn't handle the bills to get involved especially since you take care of all the bills. I also take care of all our money. I pretty much just tell my husband what's in our accounts and what bills are coming out for that week. I check the bank website probably every other day. I am also very against automatic payments only because when it's set you forget about it and then if there isn't enough money there is a chance of overdraft and then comes the fees. I like having total control over what date a payment comes out so I can plan for our paychecks. I am paid weekly while my husband is bi-weekly so watching the funds on the weeks where it's just my paycheck is crucial. We are at the point now where we have wriggle room and our budget isn't so tight.

[superfan]

I can imagine how frustrating this can be. I am guilty of sometimes 'forgetting' what is in my account or losing track of what I have spent and then looking at my account and going "why is there X much money here???"

 

My husband and I do not have autopay or direct debit for ANY of our bills - he would be OK with doing it that way (in fact he has suggested it a few times) but for me, I prefer not to because I forget these things too easily and might not budget my money around the amount coming out if I wasn't the one actually MAKING the payment myself...maybe I am more like your husband in that sense?

 

What works for us (and it may not work for you) is that the only account we have that is joint is our savings account which we don't touch unless absolutely necessary. We each have a chequing account and our paycheques from work go there. I give him half the rent money when I get paid and he writes the cheque to our landlady. It comes out of his account. Anything else we take turns on and/or split down the middle. It's a bit more work, but it forces us both to be involved and to know what is in BOTH of our accounts at all times. I am a bit more like your husband in that, sometimes I will suggest doing something and my husband will say "no, we only have so much in our accounts" and I might get annoyed - but not at him.

 

I don't think I am offering any solutions here per se, other than finding some way for him to take at least some responsibility, but if he is unlikely to do that, then I am not sure what else can be done, apart from informing him every time there is a bill paid, or groceries bought. Hopefully you sort it out though.

[LillyLooWho]

I don't think he's irritated at you, just at how quickly money goes. It really does go quickly....but I digress.... I just looked at my own account and was surprised that it was lower than I thought it would be so it happens with me but I can't get mad at anyone because it's just me. So I think you might be projecting a little his frustration onto you when it's just the situation he's upset about.

 

I remember years ago living with a boyfriend and I did all the bills because well, I'm controlling so I wanted to do it. He didn't care but my "control" made it so that he would always ask me for money or whatever. I felt like his mother but it was a situation I created so I couldn't blame him. I remember I told him to hang some Christmas cards on the wall and he was so worried he would do it "wrong" that he kept asking me if he was doing it right. Again, a situation of my own creation.

[Pinnacle]

It's a laziness about some people when it comes to being financially aware of what's going on and they would rather someone else to handle it. His involvement can actually help to save you both more money if you're the spender between the two of you. Two heads are always better than one. You could try to convince him that you're having trouble keeping track of everything and his help is duly appreciated.

 

Indeed. Indeed.