She enjoyed meeting me, and thinks I'm very nice!

[LonelyPast]

you can always make a move. even with girls where it didnt pan out long term, its still the right move, it brought us together, more comfortable, confidence, and interest in her, its a spark. I meant it specifically for the op, where it seemed the girls liked him, but then changed there minds? I think he should be more bold, it shows his interest.

 

I can see how you might get the impression that I'm not making moves, what with all the self-analysis, history of introversion, and depression. With the girl I started this thread about, she'd already voiced concerns about kissing a guy with a beard, but I told her I wasn't going to shave it off for a first date, so we'd agreed in advance to just hug. Most of the time, I'm on the same page about being direct. On my date last Sunday we ended up kissing 5 or 6 times. I'm sure you'd have approved.

 

However, if you start recommending PUA books like "The Game" or "Double Your Dating" then I might have to punch you in the face. Just saying. ;-S

[LonelyPast]

You can often get a vibe with people who have a history of mental illness/are on medication. I have always been able to guess this for friends/co-workers (with confirmation later).

 

I've been thinking about this a lot over the last couple of days. I think you may be right. I've learned to live my life with depression, but it requires a lot of masking. I go out and try to be a positive and sociable person. Around friends and when engaged in activities I think it's a seamless fit (I'm actually happy), but around strangers It seems somewhat strained at times. For instance, today I went out and pulled weeds for an MLK service day thing at school. When actually out there doing work I got along with folks just fine and really found a grove doing a good thing. However, when we got back and listened to some lecture about misinterpreting MLK's quotes and how it applies to the concept of Ubuntu or some wishy-washy crap I couldn't keep a straight face any more. The students I was around all seemed so naive or filled with bro-isms that I wanted to vomit. The lecturer seemed like a burnt out middle-aged lady who was probably driving around town giving the same rehashed speech at every college in the area. I just couldn't be bothered to take any of it seriously. Rather than sharing my pessimism and negativity with those around me, I simply shut down and placed my head on the table in front of me. Eventually I got up and left. Though I certainly try harder than that on dates, I feel the same way at times. Perhaps it shows.

[desmondhume]

On my date last Sunday we ended up kissing 5 or 6 times. I'm sure you'd have approved.

 

Wait, so you do all that kissing and then she tells you that she's not feeling anything? Or she just disappears?

[LonelyPast]

Wait, so you do all that kissing and then she tells you that she's not feeling anything? Or she just disappears?

 

She just disappears. Finally got a text back today claiming her phone reset on her so she didn't get my message, but that she doesn't have time for a relationship regardless. I might even believe that one if I hadn't heard it a dozen times already!

[catfeeder]

[...] Around friends and when engaged in activities I think it's a seamless fit (I'm actually happy), but around strangers It seems somewhat strained at times.

 

True for most people.

 

For instance, today I went out and pulled weeds for an MLK service day thing at school. When actually out there doing work I got along with folks just fine and really found a grove doing a good thing.

 

That's great!

 

However, when we got back and listened to some lecture about misinterpreting MLK's quotes and how it applies to the concept of Ubuntu or some wishy-washy crap I couldn't keep a straight face any more. The students I was around all seemed so naive or filled with bro-isms that I wanted to vomit. The lecturer seemed like a burnt out middle-aged lady who was probably driving around town giving the same rehashed speech at every college in the area. I just couldn't be bothered to take any of it seriously.

 

Makes sense. Volunteers are to be thanked for their efforts, not fingerwagged. The minute I can picture koolaid being served, I'm outta there. That's not an anti-social trait, it's valuing your time.

 

Rather than sharing my pessimism and negativity with those around me, I simply shut down and placed my head on the table in front of me. Eventually I got up and left. Though I certainly try harder than that on dates, I feel the same way at times. Perhaps it shows.

 

Uhm... If your dates are picking your head up off a table, that's a problem. (j/k)

 

Has it occurred to you that with millions of people in the world, finding the right match is no picnic--especially for someone intelligent and with a reasonable amount of self respect?

 

I'd stop making your dates about impressing them--I'd make them about assessing whether your dates actually impress you.

 

If you're meeting girls who aren't able to relate to you, the problem may have more to do with their limitations and lack of capacity--not some deficiency in you.

 

That doesn't mean you should lower your bar, it probably means you should raise it. You're tired of the dating merry-go-round, so step off the thing unless someone truly impresses you by message and phone. I think you've been spinning your wheels meeting anyone who's willing to meet you. Skip that, and shoot for some simpatico before bothering. Adopt patience as your friend and hold out for someone who's not going to bore the hell out of you once your ability to hold up a mask wears thin.

 

I really don't think there's anything 'wrong' with you. I think you're impatient to meet someone, but the RIGHT one hasn't crossed your path yet. Nobody can guarantee that she will any time soon, either. So why not invest in living the way you want to live, and get used to the idea that singlehood for smart people often lasts one helluva lot longer than for those who can homogenize?

 

Head high.

[desmondhume]

Let me tell you, right now, at this very moment, I feel like totally giving up like you do, but neither of us can feel that way. It will only guarantee any future failure.

 

You seem to be a step ahead of me, at least being able to get dates. Both today and yesterday, I called friends to see if anyone wanted to hang out with me and go out and socialize. A few made excuses not to, and the rest didn't reply...and these are friends of several years, not even women I found online to date. So I say eff em and go out by myself, only to try and talk to new people and feel totally out of place.

 

It sucks so much. It seems so natural for everyone else. Both you and I seem like desirable guys that have a lot of good things going for us. Hell, I even kinda look like you too. It baffles us why this has been so difficult. I don't know if we have similar problems...like I said, you at least have dates to go on while I've just got myself, so we could be striking out at different points in the ball game. Still, I know that we can't find success unless we maintain an optimistic attitude. I feel like crap now, but next weekend when I go out to socialize again, I'll forget about the bad things and start fresh. You can't look at it as though you're 0 for 30. You need to see every date like it's opening day and you have a fresh clean record, not thinking about all your past strikeouts. I can't vouch that has worked for me yet, but I know for sure that maintaining an optimistic attitude is key.

 

Damn, way too many baseball references in this post, but it's all true. It would be cool to be able to get more hand-on advice from people here. You can only tell so much about yourself through a forum when so much depends on how you interact in person. One meeting in person is worth a thousand threads, said an ancient Chinese wiseman.

[Slimpee]

Do you see dating as a battle? As adversarial?

[Slimpee]

I'm not going to lie. This endless string of rejections has really eaten away at me over the years. Sometimes I fixate on a future where the roles are reversed, and I get to sit around picking, choosing, breaking hearts, and having my revenge for the inhumanity which I've been consistently shown. It may not ultimately pan out that way, but the thoughts provide an outlet in the interim.

 

 

This quote really bothers me for a few reasons: 1. It seems as if you feel "entitled" to "have" a woman. The world gives no guarantees and you have not been deprived of anything you "deserve". This is a tough truth but you're 28 and single...join the millions of other people around the world in the same boat. There is nothing "inhumane" about having relationship problems.

 

2. Let me ask you a question: If you knew that a date thought the same things, would you be excited about dating her? Be the positive type of person that you'd want in your life.

 

Unrelated note: I know why you want a significant other...we all do...but are you making it a focal point in your life? I feel like you're a prime candidate for "Just do your thing, live a life you enjoy, and the relationship will fall into place" advice. I am beginning to believe strongly that the harder you cling to the notion of having a significant other, the more it will elude you...

[allcity]

Lots of wise words from Slimpee!

 

It blows my mind how many men here at ENA are fixated on having a partner, as if they're incomplete human beings until they do. They even seem to feel like life owes them a happy relationship despite them not having any of the necessary skills (and in many cases not even making the effort to try and develop them) required to form a relationship. And then they blame all the women in the world for their failures. It's ridiculous!

 

Being single is a gift and relationships can take work. Don't assume that a relationship will complete you and make your life happy. The harsh truth is that you'll still be a depressed, unhappy, negative person…you'll just be one with a GF in your life. And without fixing your emotional problems, there's a high chance that your partner could end up leaving you anyway, due to the strain of having to emotionally prop you up all the time.

 

If you guys are this needy and obsessed about women now, imagine how hard you'll cling onto your GF when you finally do start a relationship. All your feelings of self-worth will be so tied up in her that she'll never be able to live up to those expectations. And then when/if she leaves because of it, you'll have a long way to fall because you'll have built yourself up to expect this woman to be the solution to all your emotional problems.

 

Work hard on yourself and your emotional issues and learn to make yourself more competent at flirting, seduction and whatever else and leave the relationships until you're emotionally mature enough to be able to realistically handle them. And THAT'S when you'll probably find opportunities just start falling into your lap. And if they don't, then at least you worked on being happy anyway!

[desmondhume]

Unrelated note: I know why you want a significant other...we all do...but are you making it a focal point in your life? I feel like you're a prime candidate for "Just do your thing, live a life you enjoy, and the relationship will fall into place" advice. I am beginning to believe strongly that the harder you cling to the notion of having a significant other, the more it will elude you...

 

I don't want to speak for him, but I've embraced this philosophy for years and it hasn't fallen into place. I love the idea of "Just do your thing, live a life you enjoy," because it allows me to accomplish tons of stuff that might have not been possible if I had a girlfriend. Being single for so long grants you a lot of free time. Some people choose to do nothing with it, others choose to only actively pursue dating, and others like me will use it for some bucket list purpose. I guess I could have been constantly chasing girls for years, but instead I devoted a lot of time to lots of different activities that I was passionate about.

 

A relationship hasn't come from that, though. That doesn't mean I'll give up on the idea, because I enjoy the other benefits I reap from it that I mentioned, but this is a piece of advice I hear floating around a lot, and I really don't think it holds much merit in achieving a relationship, at least from my experience. I would of course like to one day have a girl I feel passionate about, but at the same time it's kind of cool to be single and do all the stuff I do, totally unchained. This past summer I had a cycling accident and suffered a pretty bad injury that took months to heal. I remember at some point while recovering being down, lonely, and generally tired of being stricken to a bed and thinking, "Hmm, it would be nice if I had a girlfriend right now to lift my spirits and support me through this annoying injury." But then I thought, "Nah, it's cool to do this all solo. It's more brutal and will make me a stronger man when I get past it and start riding again." I've taken that latter approach my whole life, and I'm down to do it as long as I will. All I'm saying is it would be nice to experience the other side for once - the tender and loving feeling of having someone there with you as opposed to the individual betterment and strength you get from being alone. I guess I could put it best through another cycling example - I ride alone most of the time, and I absolutely love exploring new paths through the country and seeing beautiful natural sights. I'll never stop doing this, even if I'll always be alone while doing it because I love doing it when I'm alone...but to have someone to share those experiences with...well, that would really be something.

[Slimpee]

The advice isn't meant to achieve a relationship...that's the subtle difference. It's about living a fulfilling life full of hobbies and people you enjoy. It doesn't mean that you don't want a significant other; that you wouldn't embrace the opportunity; it's just that you have a life that you enjoy even if you don't have that other person.

 

At the end of the day, however, everybody is different and sometimes things just don't happen when we want them to.

[MsAdorkable]

I think this is what many of us who've been single a long time are feeling. Sure we love our single lives and will continue to do so, but constantly being told to just enjoy our single lives and a relationship will just happen is irritating and years later nothing has happened. Yes we all need to be healthy and emotionally mature adults. Yes we all need to realize that a relationship isn't guaranteed and we're owed nothing. Yes the world will not end if we spend the rest of our lives single. But on the other hand few things happen with zero effort. If we aren't open to meeting someone, putting ourselves out there, trying new things etc then we're not helping ourselves become happily coupled.

[desmondhume]

The advice isn't meant to achieve a relationship...that's the subtle difference. It's about living a fulfilling life full of hobbies and people you enjoy. It doesn't mean that you don't want a significant other; that you wouldn't embrace the opportunity; it's just that you have a life that you enjoy even if you don't have that other person.

 

At the end of the day, however, everybody is different and sometimes things just don't happen when we want them to.

 

I know. We're on the same page, which is why I still follow that advice and think it's great, except for the part about how a relationship will fall into your lap eventually. Finding something you're passionate about and doing it for the love of doing it will make you happier than any person can, but it doesn't eliminate your desires for affection and companionship. I can discipline myself to not let these desires affect me and make me unhappy if they're not achieved, but I can't totally forget about them. Four years ago, I was pretty down and lonely. I decided that instead dwelling on it would get me nowhere and instead I would try something totally new, so I auditioned for a sketch comedy show. I quickly found that I loved acting and that I wasn't half bad for a beginner, so I vigorously pursued it for the next few years. Since then, I've been in dozens of shows and have even written a few myself. I was into music before I got into theater and film, and it's ended up making me a better singer and musician. The benefits of this choice I've made four years ago have been so fulfilling, and I never made a single choice related to acting/music just to get a girlfriend. However, it's been four years and no relationship of any sort has fallen in my lap. I'm not saying that was my purpose from the beginning, nor am I saying that will dissuade me from continuing to pursue this interest. I'm only stating a fact.

 

I think this is what many of us who've been single a long time are feeling. Sure we love our single lives and will continue to do so, but constantly being told to just enjoy our single lives and a relationship will just happen is irritating and years later nothing has happened. Yes we all need to be healthy and emotionally mature adults. Yes we all need to realize that a relationship isn't guaranteed and we're owed nothing. Yes the world will not end if we spend the rest of our lives single. But on the other hand few things happen with zero effort. If we aren't open to meeting someone, putting ourselves out there, trying new things etc then we're not helping ourselves become happily coupled.

 

I think being single and wanting to maybe not be single anymore isn't a bad thing nor does it make you needy or clingy. I've been single my whole life, but I consider myself a content and stable guy. Yes, I would like to feel strongly for a girl, but I've made it this far without an ounce of that kind of feeling, and I can make it however much longer. Obviously, I've learned to live this way and fulfill my life with other passions. Otherwise, I would be very depressed all the time.

[Gilson]

I'd rather be happy-coupled than happy-single.

[Gilson]

The advice isn't meant to achieve a relationship...that's the subtle difference. It's about living a fulfilling life full of hobbies and

 

During my last relationship, I have up a couple hobbies and sold a bunch of stuff off to lighten my load and in preparation to eventually move in together. Unfortunately I couldn't find work where she moved to and she finally grew impatient.

 

Fortunately I still have a couple hobbies and a lightened load. Also, I'm a little less materialistic now and I've paid off two credit cards and a line of credit since meeting her. Now, I go shopping once in a while to treat myself and just can't seem to spend money on anything for myself.