She enjoyed meeting me, and thinks I'm very nice!

[Gilson]

I'm assuming that getting a date online takes more than just posting a photo and sending a message to say "Let's go out" though? Isn't there a bit of back and forth via email, IM or on the phone to see if you click with each other?

 

I think it's a fair assumption to assume when a woman checks your profile every day for a week (and this happens all the time even with attractive women), that they're be open to going out, at least once.

 

However, with that said, there's one woman who's "winked" at me and is "interested" and has "liked" one of my pictures, who has yet to respond to an email. There's another who "liked" one of my pictures who never responded to my email. It's also true that I've not responded at all to several who have done such things and several others who's emails weren't worth responding to.

[catfeeder]

[...] However, with that said, there's one woman who's "winked" at me and is "interested" and has "liked" one of my pictures, who has yet to respond to an email. There's another who "liked" one of my pictures who never responded to my email. [...]

 

Think of all that stuff as putting one another in a queue, because it's also reasonable to assume that people who are on a dating site are busy dating.

[LostInMyThoughts]

I actually meant have you gone out to a place, and ended up staying until closing, to the point that the staff kicked you out?

 

Have you tried Googling yourself? Maybe people are Googling you and finding out you share a striking resemblance with like a serial killer.

 

I don't know, seems like you should be getting on base more often, given your at bat percentage.

[LostInMyThoughts]

I'm assuming that getting a date online takes more than just posting a photo and sending a message to say "Let's go out" though? Isn't there a bit of back and forth via email, IM or on the phone to see if you click with each other?

 

If so, then the OP is hitting a home run in that area but has got a 30-0 average in his actual dates, so there's clearly something going wrong from point A to B. I've not tried online dating, though, so maybe I'm missing something?

 

Online dating is a numbers game. Women get lots of messages, so it's about saying something that makes them want to meet you. I've found that it only takes a few messages before suggesting to meet for coffee works. Most of the itme however, women don't respond to my initial messages.

 

Actually now that I think about it, perhaps your success with online dating is the problem. Your profile doesn't attract the right women--or rather, it's attracting the women for the wrong reasons.

 

Maybe experiment with your profile--such that the amount of responses for a first date goes down, potentially increasing the likelihood that a 2nd date will occur.

[Gilson]

I reworked my Match profile this time around. It used to be very long and very detailed. I cut it down to about 10 sentences and the number of interested parties has grown. I've only gone out twice though with two very very different women.

[Slimpee]

A few things: OP, I wonder if maybe you come off as kinda desperate. I don't mean pathetic, just maybe that women can tell you really want a gf. You seem to be REALLY down about your dating life. I can understand that but from my perspective, you are doing great: good job, healthy, attractive, smart, great hobbies, expanding social life, leadership positions, etc. Dude, you are KILLING it but maybe you're too focused on what you don't have: a girlfriend. Look at that list of positives and then look at that one thing you're lacking (according to past posts).

 

Life doesn't look too bad, does it?

 

Lemme ask you something: Are you doing all of that extra stuff just to attract women? If you are, i'd bet you come off as kinda desperate. If, however, you're doing it all so as to lead a fulfilling life, it seems like you'd be a pretty happy guy and that women would be naturally attracted to all the great things you have going for you.

 

I said something like this in another post and I think it may apply here: Don't live your life in order to find a woman; instead invite women to join you in living the great life you already live. It's a subtle, but critical, difference

 

Second, i dont like the advice about changing the things you do on a date. Well, not completely, but I feel that when people start asking if you're asking enough questions, laughing enough, playfully poking fun of her, touching her, doing this and doing that, you will be constantly gauging each and every action and reaction from both yourself and your date. Basically, you'll be so busy analyzing everything and wondering if you're doing it "right" or "messing it up" (i'm not sure either one of those exist, really) that you'll fail to just relax and enjoy yourself. link removed and you'll see what I mean...

[Ms Darcy]

About 25% of the time it's so obvious that neither one of us needs to say it, so we go our separate ways. Perhaps 50% of the time it's mutual. The other 25% of the time I'm caught off guard, since everything seemed to have gone great. These are the instances that really get to me.

 

Thanks!

 

If this is the case, then I would say you don't have much to worry about.

[MsAdorkable]

About 25% of the time it's so obvious that neither one of us needs to say it, so we go our separate ways. Perhaps 50% of the time it's mutual. The other 25% of the time I'm caught off guard, since everything seemed to have gone great. These are the instances that really get to me.

 

If only 1 out of 4 dates leave you wondering what the heck happened then you're doing better than most singles male or female. For some of us dating really is a numbers game, meaning we have to keep trying because we're not the lucky few that meet one person and everything just falls into place. You just have to keep getting back out there until you do find her.

[abitbroken]

I wonder if you like girls who like hiking, etc, why not join all the hiking clubs or boot camp types of groups out there for fun and who knows - there may be a woman there who you start to get to know and word will get around that you are single. A friend of mine met her boyfriend similarly. They both did all the different charity bike rides and races and kept noticing eachother and started talking. they weren't dating overnight, but started saying hi or having convos because they kept running into eachother.

[LoveSoDeep]

I agree those are some pretty good odds. On paper (or on the screen I guess) you seem like a catch so it must be something in person that's just not jiving with the women you meet. I think those that have suggested that maybe you are too "on" could be onto something I think at your age you might meet a lot of woemn who are just wanting to date and they get the sense tht you are more serious than that. However, it could just aseasily be something really small, the tone of your voice, your speech patterns your clothing style. Not that you have this problem but several of the guys I turned down after the first date....just struck me as too feminine....the way they talked and kind of just the quality of thier voice had me wondering if they were gay...I'm sure they had no idea they were coming accross this way...and I'm not saying that is your problem but it could be any number of things that in person are making you come accross in a way you never intended.

 

Maybe you just need an objective outsider to tell you what these women may be picking up on....like a dating coach or something.

[Patrick974]

Every time I open a thread from LonelyPast, I'm feeling I am reading my own life... it's crazy, but I can relate to many other stories from people here who are in their late 20's, in the online dating world and seem to never get past dating (which is easy, meeting up over a coffee, everybody can do this) and then start a relationship evolving in commitment someday. You bring up some good points (fighting in a RS, being clingy etc) I do not know how to help you. I think women advices are better for you anyway. At least you keep on trying, best of luck.

[LonelyPast]

Another date already?! I assume you're getting these dates online, so if you're having so much success attracting women with your photos and online chats, then have you ever looked at what you do so differently online vs. IRL?

 

Apples and oranges, but I do make efforts not to falsely represent myself in both mediums. If there's anything in particular which I'm doing wrong IRL, I'm at a complete loss to know about it. I've taken to calling dates which blew me off a couple weeks later and asking them for any specifics. None of them have revealed anything particularly illuminating. I've asked my friends and family if there's something off about me as well, but they only encourage me and tell me what a great catch I am, how I'm bound to find somebody eventually, how dating is a numbers game, and blah blah blah...

 

I don't think getting the dates is the hard part. It's getting the second date that is the hard part.

 

Indeed!

 

Think of all that stuff as putting one another in a queue, because it's also reasonable to assume that people who are on a dating site are busy dating.

 

This tends to be more of a woman's approach. As jealous and frustrated as it makes me to discuss it, some of you receive messages from interesting prospects faster than you're able to schedule them, and so you do end up with queues like that. I've talked to many women who've had to deactivate their profiles just to stop the influx of new messages! Most guys don't really have this problem, since women are rarely the ones to initiate. When we end up chatting with more women than we can schedule dates with, we simply stop messaging new ones. Once in a while we'll get a response from one of the queue types out of left field, usually 2 months after we sent the original message. This can be a bit of a turn-off though, as it feels like being some sort of dejected option, next in line for the selectivity chopping block.

 

I actually meant have you gone out to a place, and ended up staying until closing, to the point that the staff kicked you out?

 

Yes, why do you ask?

 

Have you tried Googling yourself? Maybe people are Googling you and finding out you share a striking resemblance with like a serial killer.

 

My name is Alex Johnson, and I don't use my dating user name for anything else. Good luck Googling that! lol. Also, I don't really have anything to hide. My Facebook page and dating profile are pretty much mirrors of each other.

 

Actually now that I think about it, perhaps your success with online dating is the problem. Your profile doesn't attract the right women--or rather, it's attracting the women for the wrong reasons. Maybe experiment with your profile--such that the amount of responses for a first date goes down, potentially increasing the likelihood that a 2nd date will occur.

 

I've thought about that too. I don't feel like I'm stating or claiming anything on my profile that isn't true or that I might not be able to match up to in person though. As far as revealing negatives, there are only two big things which I've considered adding. First, I have a long history of clinical depression. This is irrelevant to a first date, and mentioning it has proven to be nothing but a shot to the foot. Secondly, I don't have a car yet, as I've opted to take public transportation until I've graduated from school. For all of my outdoor stuff in the mountains, I tend to carpool with friends or organized groups. It works. Unfortunately, when dating, this seems to be a massive turn-off to most women. I used to mention this on my profile, and my success at getting dates was perhaps 1/5th what it is right now. I'd like to think that if somebody actually got to know me before learning about my transportation situation, they'd be more forgiving, so I've taken that part off (as recommended by friends). This usually doesn't get brought up on a first date anyway, so I believe it's mostly irrelevant.

 

A few things: OP, I wonder if maybe you come off as kinda desperate. I don't mean pathetic, just maybe that women can tell you really want a gf. You seem to be REALLY down about your dating life. I can understand that but from my perspective, you are doing great: good job, healthy, attractive, smart, great hobbies, expanding social life, leadership positions, etc. Dude, you are KILLING it but maybe you're too focused on what you don't have: a girlfriend. Look at that list of positives and then look at that one thing you're lacking (according to past posts).

 

Life doesn't look too bad, does it?

 

Lemme ask you something: Are you doing all of that extra stuff just to attract women? If you are, i'd bet you come off as kinda desperate. If, however, you're doing it all so as to lead a fulfilling life, it seems like you'd be a pretty happy guy and that women would be naturally attracted to all the great things you have going for you.

 

I said something like this in another post and I think it may apply here: Don't live your life in order to find a woman; instead invite women to join you in living the great life you already live. It's a subtle, but critical, difference

 

I have a hunch that you've hit the nail on the head here. I do genuinely enjoy all the extra stuff in my life, but I can't help but hope that it will somehow lead me to or attract women as well. I'm not desperate, as I do my fair share of rejecting and filtering when things don't seem like they could lead anywhere. I just really want to experience a relationship with a woman with whom I have a mutual attraction. I want touch in my life. I want to have somebody there who cares in a way that friends can't. I want somebody to share goals with and motivate each other to achieve them. I don't want to be alone at the end of the day. These seem like perfectly natural desires to me, but perhaps I do want them too badly. After all, I've lived almost my entire adult life without them. It feels like a deficiency. I need to catch up. I need to recharge. I need warmth!

 

I'm not too socially oblivious to know that revealing all this too soon will scare women off. I've seen men called creepers, clingy, or "too nice." I know that most women in this day and age are out to play the field casually and in open relationships. I know the idea of wearing a "label" (having a boyfriend) seems too restrictive to most of them. The roles have definitely shifted from what they were pre-feminism. No matter how hard I try to shrug it off and be non-chalant, I'm afraid my true intentions of commitment are probably showing anyway. I'm perhaps too eager and too willing to take chances. My date on Sunday even called me romantic, as if it were some cheesy bad word with no place in the modern world. I don't think women trust in my ability to see reality if things don't work out. They think I'm stuck on some fairy tale vision of a perfect relationship, rather than simply aiming for that and letting it fall where it may. They're afraid they'd be stuck with me if and when things went wrong, so they are not willing to take those chances. They are not eager. They're too worried about the future to focus on any positives to be had in the here and now. They're just... cold.

 

Second, i dont like the advice about changing the things you do on a date. Well, not completely, but I feel that when people start asking if you're asking enough questions, laughing enough, playfully poking fun of her, touching her, doing this and doing that, you will be constantly gauging each and every action and reaction from both yourself and your date. Basically, you'll be so busy analyzing everything and wondering if you're doing it "right" or "messing it up" (i'm not sure either one of those exist, really) that you'll fail to just relax and enjoy yourself.

 

I honestly don't think this is an issue any more. I've been doing this for years now, and feel like I have the mental room to relax and enjoy myself on dates, even though they never seem to end on the right note. I'm completely willing to analyze and change whatever behaviors I need to on the fly. I don't believe it renders me too preoccupied or nervous to have the date play out as I might hope. If anything, I've noticed that a lot of women tend to be even more nervous than me. I can tell when they're just blurting things out because they feel the need to say something, or try at a joke to prove they have a matching sense of humor. I can see them beating themselves up when they don't have an amazing answer to my questions. When I can see them squirming and feeling as if a sudden silence is all their own fault for not having anything to say, and it's all I can do to sit there knowingly and smile while bringing up a conversation topic to relieve them of the agony. I can see the self-judging and insecurity, and I try to comfort them, to show them that it's okay, to provide them an out. Perhaps this is just part of my eagerness to make things work. I suppose reassurance might just be boring. They need that sort of "Oh god, am I screwing this all up!? Does he still like me!?" tension to develop a romantic interest. Maybe I should just let them flounder, be nervous, and feel bad about themselves. That sort of discourtesy is certainly how I've been treated on dates in the past...

 

I wonder if you like girls who like hiking, etc, why not join all the hiking clubs or boot camp types of groups out there for fun and who knows - there may be a woman there who you start to get to know and word will get around that you are single.

 

I have tried, am trying, and will continue to try this. I've made lots of friends along the way, many of them female, very few of them single. Luck just hasn't been there for me in the real world since my last (only) relationship.

 

Maybe you just need an objective outsider to tell you what these women may be picking up on....like a dating coach or something.

 

This is mostly what my therapy sessions have boiled down to. We sit there brainstorming about what could be going on. I ask her what she thinks the problem might be, and like my friends she just shrugs her shoulders and tells me how awesome I am. I honestly wish she'd find more crap to call me on, ask the right questions, find the missing piece, or something like that.

 

Every time I open a thread from LonelyPast, I'm feeling I am reading my own life... it's crazy, but I can relate to many other stories from people here who are in their late 20's, in the online dating world and seem to never get past dating (which is easy, meeting up over a coffee, everybody can do this) and then start a relationship evolving in commitment someday. You bring up some good points (fighting in a RS, being clingy etc) I do not know how to help you. I think women advices are better for you anyway. At least you keep on trying, best of luck.

 

You too mate!

[allcity]

If everyone around you is telling you how awesome you are, including people that don't have to prop you up due to family/friendship obligations, and yet you're still striking out (I assume your latest date didn't work out?) then I reckon all you're missing is sexual chemistry/sexiness. It sounds to me like you're a nice guy, interesting, a decent conversationalist, got a good attitude etc and so if even the women that turn you down for a second date can't really put their finger on why, then it definitely sounds like you're one of those guys that women date and then tell their friends "He was really nice, but I just didn't feel it".

 

I've seen plenty of guys be the same way. They're perfect gentlemen and tick almost all of the right boxes, but they just don't have that edge that gets their date's heart's racing. It's not even that they're the stereotypical 'nice guys' either, as they're not wimpy guys that fawn all over their dates, put them on a pedestal and then whine about how they get nowhere. It's just that they lack the ability to flirt, tease and interact with their dates in a way that clearly marks them out as masculine and sexy. They're the kind of guys that fall into the friendzone all the time.

 

Even most of these guys I've met still have had relationships, so it's not like they (or you) have no chance of finding love. But if you want more success (and assuming I'm right about this), then definitely try working on that area of your interactions with your dates. If you're looking for a relationship, you need to be striking that balance where, at the end of a date, your date can already imagine jumping into bed with you and then also introducing you to her friends and family the next day. If you're just creating the latter feelings in her, then you might not get a second date (friendzoned).

 

That's just my opinion, though, based on guys I know that have had the same troubles. It sounds like you're 99% there...you're just lacking the sexiness.

[LoveSoDeep]

This is mostly what my therapy sessions have boiled down to. We sit there brainstorming about what could be going on. I ask her what she thinks the problem might be, and like my friends she just shrugs her shoulders and tells me how awesome I am. I honestly wish she'd find more crap to call me on, ask the right questions, find the missing piece, or something like that.

 

 

Here's the thing though and I've come to realize this....you are comfortable with your friends and your therapist so you probably act differtnly around them....also I'm guessing you have no interest in dating them so it just wouldn't be the same. You need a real outsider who's not afraid to tell you the truth. Heck if Ilived near you I'd offer to help just b/c I love a good mystery....Does one of your friends have say a cousin that they could fix you up with... soley for the purpose of the experiment? It could even be a married friend as long as thier husband doesn't mind...lol What you need is like on one of those dating shows where they set you up and then record your dates and tell you what might be going wrong....Actually Steve Harvey is doing it right now on his talk show he's finding one person from every state to help....maybe he could help you.

[Justnotsure]

Also, I was wondering about the age range of the women that you're looking for? I seem to recall in one of your posts that you're aiming for younger women in their early 20's? My apologies if that's not the case. While it's totally a generalization - women in their later 20's and 30's are much more open to the "nice guy" with lots of interests -- they've gone through the "I need to feel anxiety and uncertainty in order to be romantically interested" phase and may be more open to a relationship with a genuinely caring, drama-free person.

[Justnotsure]

Nevermind - I just read in another thread that you think women in their 30's deserve to pay, as they've apparently all been cold, heartless, horrible people in their 20's. So I would not target that age range, as your distaste would probably be readily apparent.

[MsAdorkable]

I wonder if this might be something that some of these one date ladies are picking up on. It sounds like you are leading an exciting life and actively working to move past your depression, but especially if you are on medication or spend large amounts of time in therapy you may be coming off strangely even if you don't mean too. I've dated clinically depressed guys before and often they seemed emotionally flat, distant, overly eager/too "on" or just in some other way unappealing. I'm not sure how you would fix that other than the suggestions already mentioned in this thread about relaxing and such. I also agree that it is not something that you should bring up right away with a new girl.

 

And yes the lack of a car is a huge turnoff to most women. You certainly have solid reasons for not making that investment right now which its up to you if you want to explain to a lady of interest, but it probably is better to let this come up at a later time. If public transit is great in your area then it shouldn't prevent you from dating. On the flip side of this I know plenty of women who either don't have cars or don't even know how to drive and have no trouble getting dates. Strange double standard that will probably never die.

[LonelyPast]

Nevermind - I just read in another thread that you think women in their 30's deserve to pay, as they've apparently all been cold, heartless, horrible people in their 20's. So I would not target that age range, as your distaste would probably be readily apparent.

 

I'm not going to lie. This endless string of rejections has really eaten away at me over the years. Sometimes I fixate on a future where the roles are reversed, and I get to sit around picking, choosing, breaking hearts, and having my revenge for the inhumanity which I've been consistently shown. It may not ultimately pan out that way, but the thoughts provide an outlet in the interim.

 

On a more productive note, I've decided to go back to the park for a volunteer event on MLK day where my latest date and I walked around and had fun last week. It was quite possibly the best first date I've ever had, and the fact that she's disappeared like all the others and ignored me since then (I left a text that evening and a message the next day) has me feeling quite wounded. Manual labor seems like a reasonable form of healing.

 

I'm headed back into the not trying phase of this endless cycle.

[Ms Darcy]

I've dated clinically depressed guys before and often they seemed emotionally flat, distant, overly eager/too "on" or just in some other way unappealing. I'm not sure how you would fix that other than the suggestions already mentioned in this thread about relaxing and such. I also agree that it is not something that you should bring up right away with a new girl.

 

Flat or socially inappropriate affect is exactly right. If I had to guess anything as a "problem" it would be this.

 

You can often get a vibe with people who have a history of mental illness/are on medication. I have always been able to guess this for friends/co-workers (with confirmation later).

 

That can be a turn-off and may explain why the one girl saw you as 'boring.'

[allcity]

I'm headed back into the not trying phase of this endless cycle.

 

Really sorry to hear that, man. Do you have any friends that are naturals when it comes to dating etc? Someone that can go out with you and give you genuine advice on where you're going wrong?

 

Like I said earlier, you're clearly just missing one piece of the puzzle. And having someone that can help you find out that one piece could change everything for you.

[theonlywater]

Really sorry to hear that, man. Do you have any friends that are naturals when it comes to dating etc? Someone that can go out with you and give you genuine advice on where you're going wrong?

 

Like I said earlier, you're clearly just missing one piece of the puzzle. And having someone that can help you find out that one piece could change everything for you.

 

I think it is one piece of the puzzle. are you putting the moves on any of these girls lonely? do you feel any chemistry with them? or are you more interested in the date, trying to have a good one? it could be your back-catalogue of bad dates and frustration thast stopping you from moving forward confidently? could you change something up? the girls are going out with you, they find you attractive and from there its UP TO YOU, likely some of them were hoping you'd sweep them off there feet... (maybe you two didnt click but 30x must be bad luck and just doesnt sound right) If you go for a nice date thats what they'll be left feeling. If you go for a sexy date you can make that spark haha no spark sometimes means exactly that no spark not a personality match but sometimes no spark = no moves, no confidence, no manliness, no fun, and if its like that you dont get a second date much and no girlfriend. keep trucking along, it could very well be you just havent met the right girl yet. it all of a sudden becomes much more easier when you two are both on the same page, but you still have to be confident and put all those bad dates aside and keep your spirits up. g/l

[Gilson]

...If you go for a sexy date you can make that spark haha no spark sometimes means exactly that no spark not a personality match but sometimes no spark = no moves, no confidence, no manliness, no fun, and if its like that you dont get a second date much and no girlfriend.l

 

Are women hoping for a man to make a move on an online-dating first date?? I mean, if I get as far as a date, is that what she's thinking?

 

I tend to treat these first dates as simply an opportunity to meet really and not much more. Afterall, there's not much of a chance to make a move on a coffee date is there?

 

The first woman I met online dating...we went out four times before she called if off due to a lack of chemistry. IMO, there was never a chance to make a move.

 

With the second woman I met, we dated for a year. We were both drunk at her place after the fourth date before I made a move and spent the night.

[LonelyPast]

Are women hoping for a man to make a move on an online-dating first date??

 

Generally yes. However, as you've observed, some of them really suck at providing openings when they're interested. I've found that if I don't make a move they end up whining about a lack of chemistry, ask if I want to make second date plans as just friends (I don't), or disappear inexplicably.

 

That being said, if I make a move (which I do when I'm interested), they always respond positively, I think it's going great, and then they tell me afterwards that I came on too strongly or disappear inexplicably.

 

To be perfectly honest, I wouldn't be surprised if they started disappearing inexplicably in the middle of the dates or when I kiss them as well. Just... *poof, VANISHED!* It might actually be easier that way. ;-/

[theonlywater]

Are women hoping for a man to make a move on an online-dating first date?? I mean, if I get as far as a date, is that what she's thinking?

 

I tend to treat these first dates as simply an opportunity to meet really and not much more. Afterall, there's not much of a chance to make a move on a coffee date is there?

 

The first woman I met online dating...we went out four times before she called if off due to a lack of chemistry. IMO, there was never a chance to make a move.

 

With the second woman I met, we dated for a year. We were both drunk at her place after the fourth date before I made a move and spent the night.

 

why not?

 

you'll never know what shes thinking, she could have just come of 3 dates, or its her very first date in a while.. you can always make a move. even with girls where it didnt pan out long term, its still the right move, it brought us together, more comfortable, confidence, and interest in her, its a spark. I meant it specifically for the op, where it seemed the girls liked him, but then changed there minds? I think he should be more bold, it shows his interest. with that girl with the four dates and no chemistry, it couldnt have hurt to make a move, why would it? she came out with you four times. hell perhaps if you hadnt of gotten drunk and made the moves on the last girl when you did, maybe that might have fizzled too? you never know, so its always best to do something, worst thing i ever did was i liked this one girl and yes i was nervous, i tried to just have a nice date- well i didnt make any moves and later she thought i was gay because i didnt make any moves. the girls kind of expect it.

[desmondhume]

You can often get a vibe with people who have a history of mental illness/are on medication. I have always been able to guess this for friends/co-workers (with confirmation later).

 

Even a history of mental illness? As in it's been >5 years since one's had to do treatment, you still think you could tell and it would be a turn-off?