"not ready for a relationship" debate and rebounds...Kinda confused

[Anon333]

Okay, I guess I am thinking about all this stuff because of my current situation with a guy who I was seeing/sleeping with who JUST got out of a relationship. We had great times together, great chemistry, fun, and he really liked/likes me, he is just not ready for a relationship due to the trauma of his break up.

 

Here is where my general question comes in. I have been reading on line sights all about guys who say they are "not ready for a relationship", and many men and people on the forums say that this is a way of men just letting a woman down easy. That they make like you to an extent, but if they really liked you they would not let you get away and they would make it known. So that is a hard pill to swallow. However, the flip side is that men mean what they say and if they arent ready than it is possible they really arent. Still I think I agree that if a guy is REALLY into you, even if they just got out of a serious relationship, they'd still want to be with you...right???

 

The second part of this queation that got me thinking though, is that I have been looking up rebounds and how they are usually doomed if the guy isnt over their ex. So here is what is confusing.. Seems damned if you do damned if you dont. right? either he isnt ready for a relationship and he just isnt into you, or he is being honest and he really isnt ready. Or he is into you right after a relationship and it is most likely set up to fail......all of these things are making my head spin and I dont know what to believe or think anymore.....anyone else know what to think about this?

[Fudgie]

I think a guy can still like you even if he doesn't want a relationship with you. He just doesn't want to commit. But he likes you enough to see you and sleep with you and go out with you, etc.

 

It may be that he doesn't want to commit to YOU or just doesn't want to commit in general. The end result is that you're giving him the benefits of being in a relationship without the actual relationship.

 

Are you okay with that?

[Anon333]

So it is true that if they say they aren't ready for a relationship they just don't like you enough? But what I don't understand is the opposite scenario of wanting to be in a relationship with you right out of a recent breakup spells rebound.... So doesn't it seem it could ring true if they say they arent ready?

[annie24]

it's possible. it's also possible that he's dealing with some personal issues that make it impossible to commit to a relationship right now. though it's a bad trap to overanalyze it. best to just accept the "he's just not that into you" and move on.

[Ms Darcy]

Anon, your best bet is not to start off as a fwb with a guy and hope it will turn into more. Date guys with no sex and see where it goes.

[Slimpee]

I actually just ended a similar relationship. I liked the girl, found her to be very attractive (such a pretty face!), she's smart, funny, etc. On paper, it should have worked out great. But, I had a nagging feeling that I wasn't super "into" her and I found myself thinking about other women, wanting to flirt at bars, etc. (even though i suck at it and don't do it).

 

She wanted more of a commitment. I liked her, but at the end of the day, i wasn't comfortable making more of a commitment. I don't know why and it really bothers me but my mind told me that I was more into the physical side of things and that i'd probably hurt her if we got more serious.

 

To bring it back around to your question, I told her that I was scared about being hurt, like I was when I broke up with my last gf for similar reasons. Yes, i am scared of that, but what it comes down to is how I don't think i'm that into her...(sucks)

 

Good luck!

[abitbroken]

The problem isn't usually the guy not wanting a relationship - it is the girl deciding to ignore "I am not ready for a relationship" line and trying to convince herself that he seemed to like the sex, etc, so he must be lying. (Or the roles being reversed and the woman not wanting the relationship, etc.) Not ready means not ready. He is ready to just go out and have a good time but he doesn't want to jump into anything. You can choose to sleep with him and have your heart broken or you can choose to move on and meet someone else.

[Batya33]

Other than an ego thing I don't think it really matters. If you assume he is telling the truth then say to him "thanks for sharing that with me and if you are ever interested in being involved in a relationship with me, get in touch and if I'm still interested and available I'll consider it but please don't contact me unless you change your mind because it will make it harder for me to move on." I'd get over the "ego" part if at all possible because it just ends up getting you more confused and wasting time that could be spent moving on.

[Anon333]

Yes I understand this and thank you for the responses, but so many signs really do lead to him not being ready for a relationship due to being just out if a serious one. He said he needs time and space, and I said I do too to get over things with him now! Ugh. But I also made it clear I cannot do friends with benefits with him. And he says he wants to be friends. I'm not sure if this means he wants to get to know me more and is genuine, or hoping what I said about the fwb thing will be wrong. I do feel like everything he has said is legitimate and he is being honest with me. And yeah, maybe he does want to have fun and sleep with other people because he just got out of a relationship and isn't ready for anything serious. But I really don't blame him. He hasn't had time to get to know me, and we live in different cities right now, but in a month i will be moving there.

 

I am going to move on and hope to meet someone else, but it is hard not to have some hope for things in the future with this guy. I am hoping to try and be friends with him if it's not too difficult for me. And see if we can be more open and honest. I know I risk being hurt more but I'm willing to risk that.

[Anon333]

It just doesn't seem right to say to someone that you still don't know all that well, if you are ready for a relationship contact me. Does that ever happen? Seems like an ultimatum or like all or nothing, whereas relationships usually progress slowly and with less pressure I think. But I do understand that might be my last option if I can't be friends.

[abitbroken]

It just doesn't seem right to say to someone that you still don't know all that well, if you are ready for a relationship contact me. Does that ever happen? Seems like an ultimatum or like all or nothing, whereas relationships usually progress slowly and with less pressure I think. But I do understand that might be my last option if I can't be friends.

 

It does happen. if someone is not ready for dating then its reasonable to say to look me up when you are in a different frame of mind and ready to do so. Its not an ultimatum. Its setting a boundary. She does not want to sleep with a guy she is not dating. So she has a choice whether to leave him and find someone who really wants to date her or put up with FWB. he was clear what he (doesn't) want. So her hand is forced to make a choice. If he decides later that he is in a frame of mind for a relationship and dating, he can contact her and if she is single, maybe she will decide she wants to date him - but she might not be.

But no more of the FWB

[Anon333]

Im sorry for all these similar posts, I just have really racked my brain about what to do. I know I just need to walk away, but I believe he is telling the truth that he really needs time to get over his break up. And I wouldn't want to be with him if he wasnt over it anyway. But it is conflicting when you read online what "not ready for a relationship" means. Everyone says they are just not into you and letting you down easy. I can accept that as well too. But it is difficult when you know you had so much fun together, you know he likes you and is attracted to you and vice versa and yet you have to walk away from it. It is hard not to hope that down the road things could change.

 

I made it clear to him that I CAN NOT do friends with benefits with him. He still wants to stay in touch and wants to be friends. I dont know if that is because he is hoping it still might turn out friends with benefits? Or maybe he genuinely likes me and wants to get to know me while he is still working on sorting himself out? I dunno. after I told him I cant sleep with him anymore and I need space too now, he has contacted me on xmas wishing me a merry xmas and on New Years he was on the east coast and wished me a happy new years right after the ball dropped saying he had no one to kiss. My final words to him were that I wish him the best for the new year, I hope we can be friends in the future. He said he wants to be friends and see me in the future. Ugh!

 

Ive written too much again and I know I just need to walk away, it just would be easier for me to know if he just wasnt into me and using the not ready for a relationship as an excuse Id walk away. But I feel like he is wounded and does like me and needs time. I worry within that time he will meet someone else that is willing to be by his side more than me.

[Kamisaur]

I'm in a very similar situation. This guy I really fancy is fresh out of a relationship (I wasn't involved in that break up). He and I went to college together and I knew he had a huge crush on me back in the day. He told me recently that he was "infatuated" with me and I was "so out of his league" yet some days I feel like he is avoiding me.

 

Where do I strike a balance of my feelings and his both being the appropriate amount of attention? I know it's wrong to rush someone but is it fair to put myself through this situation. If I wanted an unfulfilling relationship, I would have stayed with my ex.

[abitbroken]

I know I just need to walk away, but I believe he is telling the truth that he really needs time to get over his break up.

 

he most likely is telling the truth - but the results are the same. No matter what you do, he does not want you to be his girlfriend. He wants something open. He is not going to tell a girl that is willing to have sex with him and will listen to him talk to go away. You have proved you are willing to give anything you can to him to keep him around rather than waiting for something to be mutual. He put his cards squarely on the table.

 

ut I feel like he is wounded and does like me and needs time.

 

He won't stop being wounded. Fooling around with you is distracting him from moving on. He cannot process his hurt or rebuild because he is not alone. He is busy with you. the best thing for you if you want a relationship is to tell him that you really want more and since he does not want that and is not ready, then you have to not spend time together and move on. It is hard for you to do so because you slept with him.

 

So stop having sex with him first off and stop doing datey things. It is possible down the road that he changes his tune and calls you and wants to date you. He may never. Its not about accusations or name calling but a simple discussion of how you really want different things and that you think its best to move on and if he ever decides he is ready to date and wants to date you, you'll see. But don't answer his calls right away. Don't go out for drinks with him, etc. Keep him at a distance and meet other people.

[Ms Darcy]

I made it clear to him that I CAN NOT do friends with benefits with him.

 

Ive written too much again and I know I just need to walk away, it just would be easier for me to know if he just wasnt into me and using the not ready for a relationship as an excuse Id walk away. But I feel like he is wounded and does like me and needs time. I worry within that time he will meet someone else that is willing to be by his side more than me.

 

You made it clear you don't do FWB ... is this after you had sex or before? Either way ... not much credibility if your actions don't follow your words.

 

Girl, I think you have to stop torturing yourself. He's not that into you. Who cares why? Let him figure out his feelings and then he knows how to find you.

[Batya33]

Agree with Ms. Darcy and that telling him what your boundaries are has nothing to do with an ultimatum. The truth might be somewhere in between -he's not ready for a serious relationship unless he met someone who really knocked his socks off. And of course would any guy in his right mind want to risk sabotaging a future relationship by having a sexual arrangement with the woman -obviously that has a high risk of all sorts of complications. I have one example of where it was true - my friend met a man at a bar many years ago. They danced and talked. He called her the next day and told her that he was just ending a relationship and wasn't ready for a relationship so could he call her in 2 months (it may have been one month but something like that). She said sure and didn't give him another thought. He called when he said he would and proposed 6 months later. They've been married 10 years.

[byanilla]

I understand where this guy is coming from. After getting out of a rocky break up, I wouldn't want to jump straight into another relationship, even if I liked another person. It's just the fear from the previous relationship has had a lot of impact on me.

[byanilla]

But, you shouldn't torture yourself by sleeping with him, even if he does like you. If you leave him and he realizes what he had lost, he'd come after you.

[mylolita]

Hey Anon,

 

Honestly, if he really wasn't ready for a relationship but really liked you, he would respect you and not have a casual thing with you to avoid hurting your feelings.

 

It sounds very much like bull**** to me! It's not nice for people to take! There could be a slim chance he is telling the truth, but if he is, whats he doing playing around with you if he's not ready? Surely a gentleman would get his head together and then persue you properly and ask you out.

 

Men completely obsess about women they fall for, they don't want anyone else having them and they never want them out of their sight, they persue them and they definitely want to make it exclusive as soon as possible. This guy seems like a phoney. I'd say call it off, cool it, and if he really is interested he'll come back to you when he's sorted his mental issues out and take you out on a date and properly get to know you.

 

In the mean time, the time you're wasting worrying over what this guy thinks of you is time wasted when you could be properly single and out there finding a guy who thinks the world of you and falls head over heels.

 

Best of luck!

 

-Lola x